lovefool

Today in english class we had to read "Once More To The Lake" by E.B. White and then write a short short story copying his use of "and". He uses it a little more than 20 times on one page so I decided to stay around that number. Just wanted to know what people thought.




I rest my hands on the podium as the announcer booms my name across the auditorium. They know my politics and my opinions and the animal I tack up next to my name at debates. A roomful of people that have already memorized my words and curse my name to their neighbors and pets and friends. Nevertheless, I swish my tongue around in my mouth and space out the words that have been boiling there for weeks. They sizzle hot and pop; with difficulty and force I shove them out and release them tenderly into the hostility of the crowd.

They consider my speech and the syllables that spell out my stances on touché issues. Eyes frown and brows furrow and they cough in disagreement. With a hurry shifting of papers I dip my feet back into their end of the pool; a pool with piranhas that slit politicians to fragments and reveal their vacuum of a heart that sucks a country dry. To sway the crowd towards me I let the podium fall out from under me and walk. At first I am shuffling my feet about the stage and then I am taking heavy strides and at last my mechanical legs become light and blithe. My hands, emoting every feeling that swells inside of me, move around in the auditoriums empty space. To catch any crowd’s attention you need more than mere logic and truth. My words continue to spit out onto the floor (leaving puddles where my feet once trailed) but, now, I allow them to drip with patriotism and something a “true” American might say.

The people, as “terrorists” and “freedom” spills from my lips, jump up (suddenly!) from their firm seats and dive into me. They swim past my words of “war” and “Iraq”; cutting themselves on sharp consonants and crackling vowels, leaving behind a tiny bit of sympathy and empathy (for those poor, poor oppressed peoples) here and there. I shove a handful more of my feelings into their heads. They sink back into their seats with weighty sighs and reconsider me.

kkwriterchick

i liked it! i liked your metaphors and such. i'm not sure what kind of feedback you were looking for, but either way i enjoyed reading. some parts were a bit corny, in my opinion.

~Kristen

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Adam Lewis

Sorry to say, maybe I am just tired but I had very little idea what that was about, giving a speech no one listening until you throw out staple patriotism?
very descriptive and though I was really confused and lost i wanted to keep reading, so on that front awesome!
probably just me though as I have a tendency to start letting the images conjured by the words take my imagination off to other places, often not where the story is going but into my own fantasy, most times I will re-read whole chapter when suddenly I realize I wasn’t following the book, but using it to spark my own imagination!

Oh I am a crazy ol' man

Adam

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lovefool

Thanks Kristen. I can see how some of the parts sounded corny.

He (or she) is basically a politician who's giving a speech to a room of people that don't agree with his views and positions. So he sways them to his side with emotion and patriotism. I was just basing it off of politicians that use pure emotion to gain support. They simply appeal to their audiences sympathy and empathy when it comes to issues.

Adam Lewis

Yeah I re-read it today and think my head was just outta it the other day, I like it good job, and nice work on the "and" inserts I googled E.B White and think you have done a sweet job on it!

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C.V. Reynolds

I almost didn't reply, because I didn't know if I could really add anything. I decided to anyway.

This story sounds like a clever song. That might seem like a weird comment, but I can actually hear it, like the "talky" parts of certain Chiodos songs.

I like its choice of words and how you made them seem natural. I also like that the story did not beat the reader over the head with what it was supposed to mean. It was more smooth.

Malone

Nice work with the assignment given, although under other circumstances you could remove some of those "and"'s. Wonderful imagery.

lovefool

I am going to get rid of some of the ands. Thanks for the comments