To be critiqued...please - Writers Forum

CelticCricket · 10-20-2007, 06:08 PM

Quote:

“My dad challenged me yesterday.”

Alexis pushed her potato salad from one side of her plate to the other. “Challenged you how?”“He told me he was going to win the fishing plaque this year. I reminded him that I had to defend my title as reigning angler. So it is a personal challenge of sorts.”

“You going to let him win?” Max mumbled through a mouth full of hot dog.

“I don’t know yet. I thought about keeping it close until the end. Then maybe somehow I can snag my line or something like that to keep me from going.”

“How about we add a new rule this year? Like you have to, either, remain in your boat or on the land to qualify. No one can be in the water. If you fall in, then you are disqualified.”

“Lexxie, you are a genius! I love it. And that in turn will give me a wide range of ideas to get disqualified.” Kalen jumped up from his side of the table and gave his cousin a hug. He lingered close for a couple minutes until Max spoke up.

“Dude, your mom is like watching you like a hawk. I advise you to sit back down before she figures things out and the whole camping trip gets ruined.”

“Thanks, man.” Kalen sat back down.

“Aside from the fishing tourney tomorrow and your plans to overthrow your own winning streak…” Max gave a long pause. “When do you intend to tell your folks about—“ He nodded at his sister then back at Kalen.

“I have a feeling that it will be sooner than I want. My mom is not stupid. It won’t take her long to figure it out if we don’t keep ourselves in check. I wouldn’t be surprised—“

“—if it came out by the weekend.” Alexis finished for him.

“Woman, you need to stop that.” Kalen laughed. “I ain’t used to someone finishing my sentences for me. It’s like you are in my head again…Just like earlier today.”

“She does it to me all the time, dude. You’ll get used to it in no time. Trust me. Anyway…I am going to head to bed. Got a big day ahead of us.”

“You going to join in the tourney?”

“Heck no! I am going to be in control of the camcorder. We’ll want some documentation of your downfall as reigning family fisherman.”

“All right, Cuz. I’ll see you in the morning then.”

“Night.” Max shot back over his shoulder.

“I guess I should go too, K. We don’t need to bring any attention our way.” She stood up and started to reach for her plate.

“Lexxie, wait.”

She paused, waiting for him to go on.

“Are you sure you want to bunk with your parents? I mean, Max told me what happened when you told them and that they are still distant from you.”

“I am sure, K. It is something my parents and I have to work through together. I want them to understand and have their support in my decision to be with you. I can’t accomplish that if I avoid them.”

“Okay. If it gets to where you can’t deal with it anymore, my tent is your tent.”

“Thank you, K. I appreciate it.” Her gaze held his for a moment as if to secretly tell him that she loved him before she bid him good night.

~~*~~

George couldn’t help but notice the way his wife was watching their son like a hawk watched its prey. He knew if he did not interfere, that his son would not be able to have any carefree fun with the rest of the family.

“Doris, would you quit watching that boy like a hawk? Let him have some fun for crying out loud.”

“George, you don’t understand. It is not right.”

“What is not right?”

“There is something going on between him and Alexis. I just know it. I can feel it in my bones. The way they—“

“Jesus alive, woman! They are just having harmless fun together. Don’t you ever recall connecting with a cousin of yours like that? Kalen and Alexis are doing nothing but having fun. Things will go back to normal after everyone goes home.”

“No, we were not allowed to play with our male cousins. It was females with females and males with the males. Our parents wouldn’t have it any other way. But, I still think—“

‘You think way too much, woman. Now come to bed. We need our rest for the tournament tomorrow.” George patted the empty side of the bed.

Finally admitting defeat for the night, Doris got ready for bed and joined her husband. She made a mental note to talk to Alexis and Kalen about their improper behavior towards each other. However, Doris knew there was more depth to what she saw concerning her own little secret she never had the heart to tell her son. As sleep began to overtake her, she vowed to herself that he must never know for fear that he would ruin his life.

~~*~~

Able to sleep better than the previous night, Kalen woke up at six-thirty before anyone else had a chance to get up. He rekindled the fire with fresh firewood coaxing the bright red embers to catch hold. Once the fire took on a life of its own, he added a couple more logs, and then headed off into the dense forest to enjoy Mother Nature.

With the crackling fire in the distance, he heard various types of bird calls. A sparrow was calling for its mate. A goose honked at her goslings trying to get them to follow her to the pond. A woodpecker continuously pecked at a nearby tree trying its best to make a hole to get some grub.

Then he heard a branch snap. Turning around he saw Alexis sneaking up behind him. A pained look covered her face.

“Sorry, K. I didn’t mean to disturb you.”

“It’s okay. I was just sitting here and enjoying the birds talking. I usually do this when I am home. I sit in my neck of the woods and watch and listen to Mother Nature’s children. It is so peaceful.”

“I bet it is. I have always wanted to take a time out and enjoy the simple pleasures of the world around me, but I never found the extra time.”

“Come here.” He motioned for her to stand in front of him. “Now close your eyes and relax.”

Alexis did as she was told. She heard the fire crackle. Trees creaked as if to tell her the weight they held on a daily basis was heavier than what was thought. Leaves rustled as the wind blew through them. Then she heard the birds go about their business as Kalen had heard them.

“It’s beautiful.” She gasped, afraid any sound would cause it to disappear.

Kalen wrapped his arms around her middle and tugged her closer to him. Then he whispered in her ear, “Now open your eyes and drink in the colors.”

Once again Alexis did as se was commanded. She sucked in her breathe afraid to breath. “Oh my—Kalen, I never thought—“ Tears began to stream down her cheeks.

“Alexis?”

He watched as his cousin rushed out into the middle of the flowered patch and spread out her arms as she turned in small circles. “I can feel it, K. I can feel the life coursing through it all. The trees are alive. The ferns are alive. I can even feel the pulse of the dirt from the earth. And the colors—Kalen, they were dull and bland when I first arrived. Now—“ She stopped in her tracks.

“Now?”

“Now they are all vibrant and—alive!” She laughed. “I never would have thought is possible to see such beauty in a place like this. I don’t want to ever leave now.”

“Baby, you have connected with Mother Nature. She wanted to share her beauty with you. She wanted you to be able to take delight in something new, yet simple.”

“And don’t forget ‘intoxicating’.” Alexis made her way back to her cousin as if she was in a trance. She laid her palms against his chest feeling his heart beat speed up under her touch. Then she pushed up with her toes leaning in for a kiss.

Mesmerized, he closed the span of mere inches by kissing her fully on the lips. Yes, intoxicating…” he breathed into her awaiting mouth.

They stepped apart and straightened themselves so no one would think anything of the ordinary once the spell wore off. Alexis regained enough of her senses to focus on something else other than her feelings for her cousin.

“Does this happen to you when you go in your woods?”

“What part?”

“Everything but the girl and kissing part.” She shyly stated with a small laugh. “The part where you connect with Mother Nature.”

“Actually, I sit and visit with Genovefa.” Kalen began his trek back towards the campsite with his cousin ahead of him.

“Geno—vefa?” She stopped dead in her tracks.

“Yes. She helps me connect with the earth. I love being able to just sit and listen to all of her creatures that scurry about around me.”

“Really?”

“Well you just witnessed it for yourself, didn’t you?”

“Yes and is was wondrous.” Alexis grabbed hold of Kalen’s arm as he walked past her. She fell in step beside him, making occasional stops to laugh at the quirky mishaps her cousin told her he had while trying to get in touch with his Goddesses.

I am, also, wondering what genre or sub-genre this chapter will put you in the mind of? It has elements of romance mixed with New Age (or Wiccan/Pagan) based passages throughout the whole novel. I am stumped and don't want to say it is JUST a romance and be rejected cause they (the publishers) see it as something else.

Thanks in advance!!

Fossy · 10-20-2007, 07:19 PM

It would be easier to read if it were formatted in verdana. As to the genre, it sounds like romantic fantasy.

CelticCricket · 10-20-2007, 07:51 PM

Well, it was easier just to make the font bigger. LOL. I hope that is better now.

Now, I will try to keep in mind about it being a possible Romantic Fantasy.