The end of the party - Writers Forum

Trackerlou · 10-20-2007, 10:02 AM

Was looking for some opinions on this. It's a small part of a much larger story but I want this scene to be realistic and avoid it being cheesy. Please tell me what you think.
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The flat suddenly seemed very quiet, and Veronica’s head seemed to be spinning more than it was when there was noise to distract her. She glanced over to Tina and Pete, both of whom now looked as though they were sleeping and tried to focus her eyes on the clock, she could see the outline of it, along with a few dots resembling numbers but she was unable to see what time it said.

“Oh, Jesus...” moaned Chris as he stretched his neck backwards and rubbed his face with his hands. He’d clearly had enough but Veronica didn’t feel like moving. She knew that however bad she felt now was nothing compared to how she would feel if she stood up.
“D’ya want me to phone a taxi” she asked, without looking at Chris.
“Nah, stay here...you may as well, Tina and Pete are” he replied, taking a quick glance across the room where the pair of them lay snuggled up asleep. “D’ya want a coffee?” he continued, standing wearily and stumbling into the kitchen.
“Actually, I might try and get some sleep...” Veronica said.

Chris came back into the living room wearing the grin that had been absent from his face since he began to drink heavily. “Come here...” he requested, looking directly at Veronica.

She stood up slowly, massaged her forehead with one hand before pulling back her hair from her face and walked over to Chris, who was standing in the kitchen doorway.
“You had a good night?” he asked quietly.
Veronica looked up at his face and was reminded of the feelings she had experienced when she saw him perform on the stage, despite the effects of alcohol slurring his speech, his eyes were still as bright and piercing as ever.
“It’s been great...” she replied.

Chris’ grin seemed to disappear and was replaced instead with a warm smile. He lifted his hand slowly and pushed Veronica’s hair out of her face. Veronica wanted to reach forward and touch his lips with hers but she knew the amount of alcohol in her blood stream would either cause her to nut him or worse, be sick over him. So instead, she waited, feeling the warmth of his hand on her face.

“You’re a beautiful lass Veronica, you really are.." Chris said.
Veronica didn’t know how to answer or how to reply so instead, she smiled warmly at him.

Chris took a hold of Veronica’s hand and left the kitchen, she followed him steadily trying hard to focus on where she was walking and what she was trying to avoid. Within a few seconds she found herself in a bedroom, she realised it must he Chris’ bedroom as he’d already said it was a one bedroomed flat. She couldn’t make much of it out through her dazed eyes but she was aware at least, of the large king-sized bed lying in the middle of the room. Her alcohol influenced mind began arguing with itself. It told her first to turn around and walk out, she knew this situation wasn't an ideal one but then...did she care? She liked Chris, had she been sober would she still want to leave? She glanced at him as he walked to the far side of the room and closed the curtains before heading back over to where she stood.
“Sit down...” he offered as he sat on the edge of the bed himself.
Veronica no longer cared what was going to happen; even if she did sleep with Chris would it really be so terrible? She was attracted to him anyway and it was clear he liked her too....so they were drunk but did that make much difference? She sat down next to him and he placed his arm around her shoulder. She rested her head on him as she felt her eyes closing and her mind switching off. She felt Chris shuffle around a little before guiding her backwards until she was lying flat on the bed, then he kissed her, lightly on the forehead...

And then the lights went out.

sdavis2k · 10-20-2007, 05:37 PM

She glanced over to Tina and Pete, both of whom now looked as though they were sleeping and tried to focus her eyes on the clock, she could see the outline of it, along with a few dots resembling numbers but she was unable to see what time it said. Horribly long and confusing sentence. Veronica glances and Pete and Tina and than focuses on the clock. Where is the clock ? Shouldn't she need to turn her head to see it since she was previously looking at people ?

“Nah, stay here...you may as well, since Tina and Pete are” he replied, taking a quick glance across the room where the pair of them lay snuggled up asleep. You've had two separate people glance at Tina and Pete, try a different word in place of glance, it seems repeatative.

In the next bit you lose me. I know Veronica doesn't want to stand up and wants to go to sleep, Chris leaves. Does she fall asleep ? You just have him return and her get up and follow him. It doesn't seem like any time has pasted here, so shouldn't Veronica still want to sleep ? If time has pasted have Veronica ask "How long was I out for ?" before following him. Also he never really woke her up, he spoke and she complied. It just seems to flow awkward there.

Overall an interesting piece, though I admit not my cup of tea, but it was enjoyable.