992 word Military Peice - Writers Forum

Kai Dante · 10-18-2007, 09:23 PM

(Oops, typo in title) Hey guys, this is the prologue to my military novel. if you could read through it and point out some errors, that would be awesome. thanks.

Here Goes...

Prologue
A silent intruder stole through the dark, sticking to the shadows that surrounded a secret U.S compound which housed some of the most powerful weaponry known to mankind. This compound was miles from nowhere, with not even a single animal in sight. A slight desert breeze blew through the town, ruffling a few trees that lined the south entrance.

On the outside, the compound looked like a normal outback town. But once you stepped inside, it was a different matter altogether. Hi tech equipment lined the inside of every building like wallpaper, and the compound was guarded by a state of the art security system, and a group of 6 elite commandos. They were clad in fully black clothing and Kevlar armour, almost invisible in the night, and were armed with silenced Mp5SD-7 submachine guns, and silenced Colt .45 pistols.

As the intruder silently crept closer to the town, he set of a group of pressure pads, alerting the group of commandoes. The commandoes were deployed silently, and set out to track the intruder.

The commandoes split into two teams of three, and set off. One team was to confront the intruder, whilst the other was to set up in a covering position, in case of a gunfight. The first team of commandoes halted behind a bush, where the intruder had fallen. He was wearing torn, dirty clothes, and had many scratches and cuts on him. A smallish scar ran underneath his eye. The man moaned.
“Captain, this is Alpha team. We need to get this man inside. He needs medical attention. I am sending his photo now, to get his record from HQ.” The leader of Alpha team pulled out a small PDA, and took the man’s photo. A second later, the PDA beeped, and in an instant, the leader relaxed.
“This man, Al Humaq, is clean. Let’s get him inside.”

10 minutes later, Humaq was being attended to by the town’s doctor. When the doctor had finished, Alpha team came and took Humaq down to underground holding cells. Just as they arrived, their headpieces crackled to life.
“Alpha team, this is Bravo. Do you copy?”
“Copy Bravo”
“Alpha, get your lazy asses upstairs. Don’t worry about locking up Humaq; he was a decoy all along. As soon as you guys took him downstairs, a team of six Arabs appeared on our radar. Shit...Hurry the hell up, their coming now. Shoot Humaq...”
The line went dead. The leader of Alpha team pulled out his Colt, and shot Humaq clean through the forehead, the bullet passing through his frontal lobe, and exiting through his occipital lobe, the .45 bullet raking pieces of brain with it as it passed through.
“Alpha team lets move it.”
Alpha team sprinted up the stairs, and out into the open night’s sky. They could hear the loud bang of the Arabs AK-74’s, and just faintly, they could hear the Slit-slit-slit of the commandoes silenced Mp5’s.

One of the Alpha team members set out to turn alert the defence force of the raid on this secret base, whilst the other two approached the fire fight from behind. 8 intruders were counted, with four of them already killed by the automatic gunfire from Bravo team. Alpha team killed two of the remaining intruders with 4 bullets, double tapping them both in the back of the neck, cutting off their nerves so they didn’t fire any more bullets by reflex.
“Alpha, Bravo, come in.”
“Alpha, copy.”
“Bravo, copy.”
“Defence force has been notified, and they are sending 2 teams of 6 commandoes to mop up the mess. They will insert outside our base, and look for other teams of intruders. How many have we got left??”
“Bravo team count four dead, eight in total. Saw Alpha team knock off two, but not confirmed. Alpha Team, confirm?”
Nothing. Only static
“Alpha team, come in.”
“Base, this is Bravo, we’ve found Alpha team. Two dead, one missing.”
“Thanks Bravo, we have one Alpha with us. Rendezvous with him at the tanks. We think that some of the intruders are headed that way. Get there before they blow us all sky high.”
Bravo team moved out to the gas tanks that supplied the compound with heating in the winter months. The lone member of Alpha team was already waiting there.
“Let’s split up. 2 teams of two. Try not to fire any rounds off that could pierce the gas tanks. In fact, use your sidearms.” The leader of Bravo team pulled out his silenced Colt .45 pistol as he stepped into the fenced off enclosure. A gap large enough to step through had been cut into the wire.
“They’ve definitely been here. Where’s our bomb expert?”
“Here, Sir.” The remaining member of Alpha team stepped forwards. In his hand were his sidearm, and a bomb disposal kit.
“Let’s move.”
The two teams moved quickly and efficiently, searching the entire enclosure. Right at the very back corner, they saw a man huddled over what looked like a sizeable packet of C4 explosive.
The leader of Bravo team stepped silently towards the man, who was too involved in his work to notice the 4 highly armed commandoes standing behind him. The leader grabbed him around the neck, and forced him to stand, whilst putting his gun to his captives head.
“Alpha, diffuse this bomb, now.”
“It’s too late,” the captive gasped, “the timer is set to go off approximately… NOW.” He pushed away from the leader of Bravo team, and leapt for the bomb. He pushed a small button on the side of the detonator attached to a 2 kilo packet of C4 high explosive. Suddenly, a display on the detonator jumped to life.
5…
4…
3…
2…
1…
The whole compound was destroyed at that instance, everything being incinerated.
Everything.

When the backup teams came 5 minutes later, they couldn’t believe their eyes. They began the long and tedious task, known as cleanup.

WriterJohnB · 10-19-2007, 06:34 AM

Not bad at all. I'd prefer to be in someone's POV, then it wouldn't "tell" so much.

Watch for repitition, overuse of silent and group, as noted.

A silent intruder stole through the dark, sticking to the shadows that surrounded a secret U.S compound which housed some of the most powerful weaponry known to mankind. This compound was miles from nowhere, with not even a single animal in sight. A slight desert breeze blew through the town, ruffling a few trees that lined the south entrance.

On the outside, the compound looked like a normal outback town. But once you stepped inside, it was a different matter altogether. Hi tech equipment lined the inside of every building like wallpaper, and the compound was guarded by a state of the art security system, and a group of 6 elite commandos. They were clad in fully black clothing and Kevlar armour, almost invisible in the night, and were armed with silenced Mp5SD-7 submachine guns, and silenced Colt .45 pistols. (fully is a pleonasm, an unnecessary word. If it's black, it's black; no need to elaborate.)

As the intruder silently crept closer to the town, he set of a group of pressure pads, alerting the group of commandoes. The commandoes were deployed silently, and set out to track the intruder.

“Alpha, get your lazy asses upstairs. Don’t worry about locking up Humaq; he was a decoy all along. As soon as you guys took him downstairs, a team of six Arabs appeared on our radar. Shit...Hurry the hell up, they'retheir coming now. Shoot Humaq...”
(Too much dialogue for an emergency situation - people talk in bursts when under stress.)
The line went dead. The leader of Alpha team pulled out his Colt, and shot Humaq clean through the forehead, the bullet passing through his frontal lobe, and exiting through his occipital lobe, the .45 bullet raking pieces of brain with it as it passed through.

One of the Alpha team members set out to turn alert the defence force of the raid on this secret base, (I can't make sense out of this phrase)

double tapping them both in the back of the neck, cutting off their nerves so they didn’t fire any more bullets by reflex. (This seems to be incredible accuracy and not something necessary. Dead people stop firing no matter how they're killed. {My opinion, only.})

In his hands were his sidearm, and a bomb disposal kit.

whilst putting his gun to his captive's head.

“It’s too late,” the captive gasped, “the timer is set to go off approximately… NOW.” He pushed away from the leader of Bravo team, and leapt for the bomb. He pushed a small button on the side of the detonator attached to a 2 kilo packet of C4 high explosive. Suddenly, a display on the detonator jumped to life. (It seems unlikely that the other 3 commandos wouldn't have blown the guy away before he set off the bomb. Why not just have the timer set it off?)
5…
4…
3…
2…
1…
The whole compound was destroyed at that instance, everything being incinerated. (I'd like more detail here, fireball, men being blown to bits, etc.)
Everything.

It's a good scene, but seems rushed. Slow down and describe the roses, the readers of this type of fiction want to know exactly what's happening.

Hope that helps.

JohnB

Taxiday · 10-20-2007, 06:39 PM

As a retired U.S. Army sergeant, I have many, many problems with this!
First off, it suggests an ineptutude on the part of the guard forces which is not only unblievable but insulting.
Second, the scene is not set. Where is this happening? I know of absolutely no "secret military installations" that just seem to sit in the middle of nowhere.
To my knowledge, I have never heard of any soldier carrying a "silenced Colt .45." They are simply not designed to have silencers. The semi or fully automatic weapons do.
And finally - I may be way off base but this seems to be an attempt to belittle or make light of the military personnel involved as if somehow the "Arab" - not really the right term - is far more capable than they.
Oh yeah - having been in combat situations with Aussies and Kiwis - I know them to be damned good, professional soldiers that I'd serve with any time or anywhere.