boygenius

Here's an excerpt from the beginning of what I hope will turn out to be a sci-fi novel, my first. I hope it's not too long.

Thanks for your time.

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Alvin awoke with a start. His mind was numb. His replayed his dream over and over again to be sure he had gotten it right. He saw a small person, too small to have ever existed in reality, laughing and playing with others like him.

A child, he heard his mind say.

“A child,” he said aloud, uncertain of how the word should sound.

“Children.”

The words meant something to him, but he couldn’t quite place them. He closed his eyes tensely, and again replayed the dream. A small person, about half the size of a normal human with a somehow newer, brighter looking face than most, was running towards others of its kind. They were of varying sizes, although most were half to two-thirds normal height. Others were nearly normal height, although they, too had that quality of newness, of innocence about them.

Alvin relaxed, opened his eyes and realized he was supposed to have been at the lab ten minutes ago. All thoughts of “children” were put out of his mind as he dressed. He walked over to the red and white concentric circles on the floor in the corner of his room and stood there for a moment. He saw the usual heat shimmers appear, then recede and then he was in the familiar surroundings of the Tohu Healing Lab.

About two dozen other people were milling about, some wearing the traditional gold and red healers robes, others wearing the grey drab generally associated with the working class of the world. Alvin arrived with the ornate red and green robes of a healer and the silver scarf signifying his position as chief healer.

The other healers all nodded in acknowledgment upon his arrival. None called attention to his tardiness. The technicians in grey, as per tradition, kept moving about, kept to themselves, making no sign they had even noticed Alvin’s arrival. The lower classes were only permitted to acknowledge a higher class, when addressed directly. Alvin usually made it a point to directly address most, on most occasions, but today he was a little busier than normal, with an unusual number of cold cases in the lab.

“This is our second level five this week, Healer Clarke,” said a young female healer as Alvin approached the gurney on which her unconscious patient lay. “Male. Aged 32. 5’ 7”. Originally from Athens, living here in Madrid for the past 400 years. No history of frigidis in his immediate or extended family.”

“When did he come in?” Alvin asked.

“Just this morning. A family member brought him in about an hour ago. He was like this, blueing and unconscious.”

“You’ve performed Infervus, I suppose.”

She nodded.

“With how many?” he asked.

“All of us.”

“Well, let’s try again. I’ll lead.”

The female healer closed her eyes and signaled the others to approach. When they were evenly spaced around the patient Alvin closed his eyes. The other healers did the same, as did the technicians standing against the lab’s back wall -- away from the action, yet close enough for their thermal energy to contribute to the ritual.

The lights dimmed. A soft droning sound began to envelop all in the room. A warmth spread from Alvin’s hands, his arms now outstretched over the patients chest. The warmth cascaded downward in visible reddish waves. The thermal energy gathered from all those in the room was channeled through Alvin. It spread upward from the patients chest to his pasty white face and downward to his large shoeless feet. It spread outward along the patients arms and then throughout the lab, coating the faces of all in the room with a shiny red glare.

With his eyes still closed, Alvin spoke the words that would summon the healing power and direct it to the body laying below his hands.

“We the healers of Kos, call the healing power of warmth. We respectfully request the aid of the Guardians to bring warmth and life to those in need before us. We now invoke the sacred word you taught us so long ago, to summon your help.”

“Infervus,” said all the healers in unison.

“Commodo,” replied the technicians.

“Infervus,” they said again.

“Commodo.”

As Alvin lowered his hands now touching the patients chest, the radiant warmth became concentrated in them, and the patient. The room returned to a dim, colorless darkness while the body in front of the healers became a more intensely glowing red.

“Curar,” Alvin said softly as the light began to recede back into the chief healer’s hands, first from the patient’s head, then arms and lower extremities and finally the chest.

“Curar,” he said again, almost inaudibly.

A coolness, or rather a lack of healing warmth, returned to the lab. The lighting again became bright, cold and fluorescent as the healers and technicians opened their eyes. The ceremony lasted only three or four minutes, but it always exhausted Alvin to the point where he felt he needed sleep. He couldn’t of course, not with the workload before him. He wondered whether the others felt the same draining of energy, the coldness, the heaviness he felt. Or, was he the only one. Perhaps it was his age. He was older than most healers at 67, but had been born just two years before.

When Alvin looked down, the patient was gone. The other healers were going about their business as if nothing had happened. They were tending to other patients, as if there had been no Infervus ceremony performed here only seconds before. The technicians were milling about, carrying items to healers, performing the commonplace, routine tasks and rituals assigned to them. No one seemed to have noticed that the patient they had just been working on had not been healed, had in fact disappeared. Alvin was standing in the middle of the lab, which seemed to start swirling around him now. Was he turning or was the room turning?

“Death,” he heard himself say as the room spun faster.

“Child,” he mumbled, as his legs gave way.

Then blackness, nothingness.

smilinghelps

boygenius, I noticed this hasn't been commented on--and I thought I'd let you know about the forum since you're new.

We have a great forum with some very talented writers here. But feedback is easier to get when you give it. While I'm not criticizing the fact that you've posted, you may want to mill through the forum, read some other posts and add comments to get to know some of the writers. We all want our work reviewed and its the give and take method that keeps us all striving to be our best.

That being said, I found this piece to be very interesting. I'm not a sci-fi fanatic, but this kept my interest and was well put together. Keep writing and posting and read a lot too. That's the best way to learn.

Good luck!

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"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day."
E. B. White

boygenius

Thanks for the feedback and the tip. I'll look around and try to make some comments.

Crow

I'll return later to give this post a more thorough reading. But in the meanwhile...

Never never never should this phrase ever be used under any circumstances. I'm not even sure how many cliche rules this single sentence breaks. I wrote a post on this very sentence in another forum a while back which I will post again here:

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JHB

Sci-fi?

Crow

Firstly, your description of the healing ritual and its mysterious effects are interesting. The biggest problem--I have no idea what this story is about. Your title "Memories of Death" obviously suggests the subject matter, but the story bears little to no clues to whatever kind of message you're trying to convey.

You wrote that you're hoping to turn this opening into a full novel, and if that's the case then perhaps this rather bizarre opening will develop further meaning in subsequent chapters. But as it stands now it's largely confusing and frustrating to read. What is it about? What are you trying to say?

Who is they? You go from "A" to "They" in a single sentence without explaining that there are other people in your character's dream. Also, your descriptions "newer, brighter looking" are awkward. The English language is rich with descriptive words. Use them. One characteristic that makes Sci-fi such a treat is that out of all the genres of literature it tends to remain the one most endowed with nuanced vocabulary. If this dream here is such a strange event, make the words reflect that.

Overall, this is not a bad piece. It just seems that there is much more to the story that you haven't told. However, that alone is not reason enough to confuse your readers. Your story here is a scene. A scene perhaps in a much larger story, true. But like a link in the chain, each scene must be complete, or else the whole story can unravel.

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The Cloaked Stranger

You actually did indicate there were other people:

A small person, about half the size of a normal human with a somehow newer, brighter looking face than most, was running towards others of its kind. They were of varying sizes, although most were half to two-thirds normal height. Others were nearly normal height, although they, too had that quality of newness, of innocence about them.

And I disagree with the "each scene must be complete" argument -- sometimes novels work quite well when they dump you into the middle of a world or plot and then fill in the background later. Sometimes it creates suspense, especially in a mystery. The point is, does your story have to do that? You always need a reason.

A good example of what I mean is The Sparrow, by Mary Doria Russel, which is also sci-fi. She starts with one timeline, and goes back to what was long before it, and gradually interweaves the events until it all makes sense. But you're in the dark about how the late world of chapter one was caused by the earlier world of chapter two until much later. The truth isn't out in the open until the end of the novel, but it's how it's done that makes it worth reading.