Is this boring? - Writers Forum

Trackerlou · 10-12-2007, 12:22 PM

A snippet from my 6th chapter...I fear it is a boring piece but I'm unsure as to whether I should scrap it and move her on to the next important part...please tell me if you find it boring (also, if you start reading and stop before the end because it's too boring please tell me that too).
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The next morning began with the ear piercing sound of Veronica’s alarm clock. Through the tangled mess of bed sheets and duvet covers, emerged a weary arm, reaching blindly for the bedside table. After a few seconds of fumbling around in the dark, Veronica managed to find the snooze button and promptly dozed off back to sleep.

“Veronica, come on...you’ll be late for work...and that alarm is doing my head in!” Leah called through the bedroom door.
Veronica rose dozily from her slumber and made her way into the kitchen were Leah now stood buttering toast.
“Do you want me to put you some in?” she asked, poking an opened loaf of bread.
“Yeah, thanks” Veronica began to make herself a cup of tea after noticing a freshly boiled kettle.
“Good night?” asked Leah with a smile.
“Yeah, you?”
“Yeah it was great, you should’ve come...”

Veronica retrieved her toast from the grill and began to cover it in butter whilst a tea bag sat floating in a cup of hot water on the work surface. She began to recall events from the previous night in her head. The exciting atmosphere of the Ruby Tavern, the noise, the drinks and the laughs she shared with the band for the first time. Last night she had felt a part of the band. She felt she had got to know them so much more as friends rather than professional colleagues and that had meant so much, especially after having doubts that she would ever “truly” fit in.

She recalled a conversation with Tina, where she had learnt of the friendships shared amongst London’s music scene. The mention of Stake was exciting, a real band that had really toured the world, done magazine interviews and lived the rock and roll lifestyle. Although Stake enjoyed somewhat of a cult following, they were not really famous. The average Joe on the street wouldn’t have a clue who they were but amongst the rock scene, they were practically known as the saviours of British rock music.

Then there was Urban Wires. A less known band who was apparently often billed as “the next big thing” “the most exciting band to emerge from London this year” and “the next Oasis”. The guys had seemed so friendly that Veronica hoped she would see more of them and was looking forward to watching them play live.

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P.S should also add that this is not a final draft, so there may be some typos.

RomanticRose · 10-12-2007, 01:36 PM

It's really hard to judge boring from such a small snippet. A lot depends on context. Just how important are these bands to the storyline? The whole tea and toast thing really doesn't advance plot or characterize the speakers, so I might question how important this bit is.

Since you admitted it is a first draft, I ignored some grammar and syntax issues.

Just my tuppence,
rose

Doctor Snuff · 10-12-2007, 01:59 PM

I dunno...I agree wih RR in thats its tough to judge. I think if the characters in it are in a band than its kind of a cool. As a fan I always thiink its kind of neat to see my favorite bands doing normal 'mundane' things, so if it comes across like this that'd be cool. Btw its pretty short so if there are two really interesting parts which sandwhich this than that would be more than fine as writers often alternate conflict scenes w/ scenes of calam and order to give the reader a breather of sorts.

SilverC · 10-13-2007, 09:31 AM

Too short to properly judge. The only criticism I have is the dialogue. It would be so much more crisp without all the extra descriptions. The reader doesn't really need to know what they are doing every second.

ExarionUniverse19 · 10-13-2007, 10:37 AM

I agree with the above poster that the passage is a little too "cute" -- that is, we don't really need to know the intimate details of Veronica's sleep habits. Or maybe it's just me and my inability to write in a clever manner.

The part about the bands is good, though. It's tough to judge when I don't know how it fits in with the story, but I don't see it as boring.

Trackerlou · 10-13-2007, 11:32 AM

Thanks for the advice

Here is the rest of the chapter...just to explain, Veronica is in a band and the whole story is centered around the music industry so the part about the bands is very relevant. The is from where the first snippet left off.

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”I kind of met someone last night” announced Leah suddenly. She had finished her toast and was now leant against the work top cradling her cup of tea. Veronica turned to face her immediately.
“Really? Do tell...” she asked enthusiastically, a smile breaking out across her face.
“His names’ Simon, he’s a student”
“Oh Lea...I’m glad for you! Do you have his number?”
“yeah and he has mine, we were talking for hours on the phone last night after I got home...well, early hours of this morning I suppose it would’ve been, he’s really sweet...” Leah stopped herself abruptly “How about you? You usually end up meeting someone on a night out, what’s his name this time?” she joked.
“You say that as if I just go with anyone!” protested Veronica. Her mind wandered back to the previous night and for a moment...an image of Chris emerged in her mind, his bright eyes, his jet black hair and his boyish cheeky grin...
“Nah, I didn’t meet anyone myself” said Veronica quickly, forcing the image away from her head.

“Anyway” she continued “fancy coming to a gig with me tonight?”
“Who’s playing?” asked Leah, who was now heading into the hallway in search of her shoes.
“Urban Wires...” Veronica recognised a look of disinterest in Leah’s reaction “it’s free...” she added.
“Free? How come?”
“I...well Tina knows the band; they can get us backstage passes and everything.”
“Well I suppose if it’s free we may as well....look Roni, I’m going to be late for work, I’ll see you tonight, yeah?”
“Ok, see ya later...I said we’d be there for 7.30pm by the way!” replied Veronica, realising too that she was running late.

After finishing off a slice of toast and taking a final gulp of her tea (which burnt her lip in the process) Veronica headed out of the door. She spent the day half heartedly going about her work. Her mind was firmly on the band, Tina and the girls and the impending gig which, if she was honest, was exciting her the most. On her tea break, Veronica tried hard to engage in conversation with her colleagues but the latest blockbuster to be shown at the cinema was the last thing she wanted to discuss. She wanted to tell them all to shut up, tell them all she was in a band and show off about her backstage passes for the Urban Wires gig but she knew nobody would be interested.

Finally, the little wall clock behind the till clicked onto 5pm.Veronica collected her handbag and coat from the staffroom before waving a hasty goodbye to her workmates and rushing off home. The streets were always busy at this time, but today was a Saturday, and it was rush hour. The city was packed full of people leaving work, all wanting to get home that bit faster than the person in front of them. Car horns sounded in every direction whilst cyclists kept their heads down as they passed through the traffic that cluttered up the roads.

It was another hour and 45 minutes before Veronica stepped foot in the flat. Immediately, she felt the heat from the gas fire in the living room which meant that Leah was already home. After hanging up her coat in the hallway, Veronica wandered into the warm, inviting living room. Leah was lying on the sofa clutching the phone in one hand and eating a packet of crisps with the other. From the secretive tone of the conversation, Veronica assumed she must be talking to the guy she had met last night, Simon. Bearing this in mind, she decided to busy herself in the kitchen taking the odd peek into the living room, trying to catch snippets of the conversation. She didn’t hear much but one thing Leah said was caught by Veronica’s ears. What did Leah mean when she had said “I will see you tonight”? Had she invited Simon along too or had she actually forgotten about the gig?

She waited patiently for the conversation to end, in which time the poor kettle had been boiled three times. Finally, Leah wandered into the kitchen wearing a huge grin.
“He’s taking me out for a meal!” she beamed, oblivious to Veronica’s suspicious expression.
“Tonight?” asked Veronica.
“Yeah, he’s booked a table for 8pm”
“What about the gig?”
Leah looked slightly uncomfortable and was blatantly trying to think of a quick excuse as she went over to the kettle and switched it to boil for the fourth time.
“Oh....I completely forgot about that...” she insisted.
“How could you forget? I only told you about it this morning”
“He’d already booked the table, what could I do? Anyway, you’ll still have the others to go with...” argued Leah.
“Every time I try and include you with the band you don’t wanna know, like last night...” Veronica was trying hard not to let this erupt into an argument but she couldn’t deny she was annoyed. Leah seemed to be getting wound up too as she slammed a mug onto the work surface with much more force than was needed.

“What’s up? Don’t like it now that I have a life of my own?” spat Leah as she turned to face Veronica in anger.
“I’m not going to get into an argument with you, just don’t whinge at me when you decide I never include you in anything, I offered at least.” Veronica left the kitchen and grabbed a few items of clothing from Leah’s wardrobe. The tension between them both was started to become an issue but Veronica had been looking forward to the gig all day and was determined to leave the flat in a good mood.

Just as she pulled up her black sparkly jeans, Veronica heard the doorbell. It was 6.30pm and Tina had arranged to pick Veronica up in her taxi on the way to the gig at 7pm. As she listened through the bedroom wall, she heard Leah speak through the intercom then recognised her footsteps nearing the bedroom door.
“Veronica, you mate is here, you better go and let her in.”
Veronica fastened her jeans, slung a big, woolly sweater over herself and ran down the stairs. Tina stood on the doorstep of the old, Georgian house shivering.
“You gonna let me in then? Sorry I’m a bit early, was a nightmare getting a taxi, the only one they had was for 6.15pm. You don’t mind do you?”
“Course not! Come in...” Veronica said as she ushered Tina inside, shutting the door behind her.

As they walked up the stairs Veronica explained to Tina that Leah had made plans and wouldn’t be able to attend the gig as planned. She expected Tina to say something on the subject, mention that it was the second time she’d “had plans” or moan about unreliable friends but to her surprise, she stayed strangely quiet on the subject. Instead, she simply said “oh, that’s a shame.”

As they reached the entrance to the flat, Veronica began to worry about Leah’s reaction when she met Tina for the first time. She was sure there would be a hostile reception but was unsure as to how Tina would react. She began to imagine Tina spitting out lyrics to one of her most offensive songs in response to a less than friendly Leah. Her nerves were beginning to fray slightly.

Opening the flat door, Veronica invited Tina to go through first whilst she closed the door behind her. “I’m just going to change my top...how we getting there by the way if there’s no taxi’s?” enquired Veronica as she hid behind the bedroom door to take off the woolly jumper she had thrown on 5 minutes earlier.
“Tube!” replied Tina, as if the answer should have been obvious.
A few minutes later, Veronica emerged wearing a different top. This one was marble grey with slashes to the waist, showing off her petite figure. She had managed to turn a £10 top into an expensive looking designer outfit, simply by adding a few bits of cheap jewellery to her arms and neckline.

“Oh, I like your top! Where did you get it?” Tina asked in awe.
“Camden market...a tenner” Veronica replied.

The girls went into the living room where Leah sat painting her toe nails. She looked up as Tina passed her and smiled.
Veronica took the opportunity to introduce Tina and Leah to one another and was relieved Leah was being friendly.
“Leah, This is...”
“Hi, I’m Tina”
Leah took the hand which Tina had outstretched to her confidently and shook it kindly. “I’m Leah” she replied with a smile.

Veronica’s heart began to relax until Tina continued the conversation like a bull in a china shop.
“So, how come you’re not coming tonight? It will be a laugh...and you could’ve met the guys from Urban Wires”
Leah glanced at Veronica as if suspecting her of prompting Tina to question her.
“Someone arranged to take me out for a meal, couldn’t really get out of it” Leah replied, breaking off eye contact and concentrating stubbornly on her nails.
“oh...I’m starting to think you’re avoiding us that’s all. Will you come and watch our first gig with Veronica playing guitar?” she interrogated.
“Course” Leah replied begrudgingly, again glancing at Veronica.

Veronica had had enough of the conversation and wanted to leave the flat, and the situation as soon as possible. She was annoyed at Leah for cancelling on her but the last thing she wanted was for her to think she had put her band mates up to harassing her.
“Shall we set off?” she asked Tina as she stood up and put on her leather jacket, giving Tina very little choice about it at all.
“Erm...Ok” Tina replied, joining Veronica as she made her way into the hallway.
“Cya later Lea” called Veronica as she slipped on her black, heeled boots.

“What did you do that for?” asked Veronica as the two girls walked along the dimly lit street towards the tube station.
“Do what?”
“Go on at Leah like that, why didn’t you just ask me before we went in?”
“Why ask you about Leah when I can ask her directly? I don’t like to talk about a person behind their backs...which is why I never said anything to you” replied Tina, almost innocently.

Trackerlou · 10-13-2007, 11:34 AM

Also want to add, I do see what people are saying regarding over describing the surroundings. I'm still learning how to "show" rather than tell and I know I go a bit OTT sometimes. Most of that I will take out.

Amadeus · 10-13-2007, 02:51 PM

What I like about this is the use of of detail, such as teabags and sparkly jeans; it is very vivid. I'd like more of this!

TimK · 10-13-2007, 11:57 PM

It could be more interesting. I didn't finish the whole chapter. Two things I would consider based on what I did read:

1. Punch up the style a little. They do not need to smile so much, they do not need to engage in small-talk, and you don't need to use words like "whilst."

2. Waking up in the morning is boring. Give it a twist, even if a cliche. For instance, Veronica doesn't want to wake up because she has a hangover. And besides, she wants to pretend she doesn't remember what happened to give her a hangover.

Hope this helps,
-TimK

Doctor Snuff · 10-15-2007, 02:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trackerlou

Also want to add, I do see what people are saying regarding over describing the surroundings. I'm still learning how to "show" rather than tell and I know I go a bit OTT sometimes. Most of that I will take out.

Yea thats the nail on the head sort to speak. Youre on the right track if you're waitig for further drafts to clean it up, from where you are now, just let the story flow. BTW I felt those two sections work well together.

Doctor Snuff · 10-15-2007, 02:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TimK

It could be more interesting. I didn't finish the whole chapter. Two things I would consider based on what I did read:

1. Punch up the style a little. They do not need to smile so much, they do not need to engage in small-talk, and you don't need to use words like "whilst."

2. Waking up in the morning is boring. Give it a twist, even if a cliche. For instance, Veronica doesn't want to wake up because she has a hangover. And besides, she wants to pretend she doesn't remember what happened to give her a hangover.

Hope this helps,
-TimK

1. you can use whilst but this isnt the time and place for it

2. its a good point, having her fall out of bed, or having a pet jump up and ransack the scene are good examples too.