I Think It Began With Sex - Writers Forum

crystalsecretin · 10-09-2007, 05:33 PM

This is the beginning to the story I'm working on right now. It's mostly true, but I'm going to write things how I want them to be, so I suppose it's actually fiction. Anyway, here's the roughie I have so far.

Paul dates the most vile girls in the entire world.

That was the only thought that was running through my mind as I spit a mouthful of blood onto the concrete and struggled to gather my legs beneath me. I ran my tongue across my top teeth; thankful to find them all intact, but another blow to the stomach cut my fleeting moment of relief short. Fingers wound themselves into my hair and yanked my face upward; I knew what was coming and jerked my face away just as a fist grazed off my left eyebrow. I heard an annoyed grunt, then was heaved into a half-crouch and thrown backward, arms flailing. The brick wall she threw me into scraped the hell out of my elbows, but I was grateful to find it. At least I was finally standing up.

I was getting my ass way kicked.

I planted my feet and braced myself against the wall, trying to blink the blood out of my eyes. My head hurt, my mouth hurt, my stomach hurt. Everything fucking hurt. My shirt was ripped and I was bleeding from so many places I looked like I’d been splatter-painted with the stuff. Shaking a stray tangle of blood-soaked hair off my forehead, I raised my arms in front of my face just in time to catch a clumsily thrown punch from my assailant and divert it away from my already fucked-up face.

She was getting tired. She was getting clumsy. She was getting weak.

I struck out quickly, raking my fingernails across her face. She howled and fell back a few feet. The gouges I’d taken out of her cheek were already filling with blood and it was dribbling down her chin and onto the shoulder of her tank top.

For a second she just stood there, bleeding and looking confused like a Kool-Aid stained toddler who needed a nap. I almost felt bad for her, but there’s no room for pity in a situation like this. As I advanced on her, forcing her to the ground, I wondered…

How did this fight even begin?

I drove one of my knees into her chest, pinning her, and slammed the butt of my hand into her nose. The noise her skull made against the pavement seemed to hang in the air. It was a heavy thud like someone dropping a rock on sand. She made a low mewing noise, and then her struggling stopped. I heaved myself off of her and skipped backward as a pool of blood formed around her head.

How did it begin? I was reasonably sure it had all begun with sex. Which is ironic, I thought as I lit a cigarette and sank down on the curb, because chances were that I was totally fucked.

crystalsecretin · 10-09-2007, 06:15 PM

I was actually thinking some of those same corrections as I was re-reading this.

Thanks!

Oracle · 10-09-2007, 10:29 PM

Wow! Aside from the issues already mentioned, I love it!
I'd like to give some constructive feedback, but I think Wordweaver covered it.

I just wanted to say that at the end, when she lit that cigarette, it totally made me think of Quentin Terantino... It sounds like a scene right out of his movies. I love his stuff, so consider that a compliment.

lin · 10-09-2007, 11:06 PM

This is very cool. It starts off right, moves along very well.

I don't see much wrong with it. KoolAid-stained might work better: it's a bitch hyphenating stuff that already has a hyphen.

Look, no to start any bitchfights here, but let me tell you as a professional writer for many years, that you should ignore the comments by word-weaver.

If you need any verification for that, fine, here it is:

Gathering legs is unusual, might be worth replacing, but not really necessary. I'd call it a good evocation of the scattered awarness you're in when getting your shit kicked. Think it over, but don't worry about it.

He's right about the semi-colon.

"Shaking" is NOT a dangling modifier. It goes directly to the subject of the sentence. "Shaking my head, I went on." Not a problem. It doesn't have to agree with the other verbs....it's a participial modifier.

The repetition is NOT needless. Duh. It's a choral, refain type of thing. A very common device. And effective here. Don't mess it with it or I'll come to SacDemento and scratch your gas tank.

The tank top thing....whatever? There' no question what is meant. You could change it to strap, I guess.

There is NO tense problem in the cited sentence. It moves from a statement in the time of the event to a generalization. No problemo.

"I told him there is no such thing as Santa Claus." Do you have to change the verb to be to past there? Of course not. Stet.

Good to see you on the forum. You're a strong writer and I hope we see more of you.
I did this mostly because I don't know where you are at in your development and seeing two people on a site agree with those lame corrections might make you wonder. Don't wonder. You're fine.

Let me suggest that when you get this finished--r even have a section that can stand alone--that you run it by the gangsters at Thug Lit
It's right up their alley, so far.

Doctor Snuff · 10-10-2007, 11:00 AM

Harsh. Well I don't want to really rile anyone for no reason but I will say this, I agreed with portions of what each of them had to say, but I guess the moral here that you should never listen to a 100% of what someone tell you and you should never ignore 100% of what someone tell you transversly.

enron1982 · 10-10-2007, 12:04 PM

That's a wicked good title. It drew me to the story immediately. Def. don't change the title, but that can also be a large order, as your story now needs to live up to its great title. Keep with it.

lin · 10-10-2007, 12:09 PM

The comments I made about participle, tense and repetition are not advanced pro stuff. They are taught in high school English class.

The idea that there is a tense lapse in that sentence is ridiculous.
Or that the participle is misplaced.
Just ask an English teacher.

Regarding the repeated phrase....read some books. See what you see.
Try Vonnegut for a quick lesson in the values of repetition.

Hawke · 10-10-2007, 03:12 PM

Moderator's note: I've just deleted a few antagonistic posts. Hopefully this thread can resume in a tactful, tasteful direction.

crystalsecretin · 10-10-2007, 03:53 PM

That is all I wanted in the first place.

lin · 10-11-2007, 12:13 AM

Good stuff. Show us more.

Mike C · 10-11-2007, 05:00 AM

Good start, I agree with Lin's comments particularly in regard to repetitions, etc. and gathering legs works well for me.

Mr Sci Fi · 10-11-2007, 01:23 PM

Hi Crystal,

Welcome to the forums and congratulations on writing a story. Hopefully I may be of some insight.

As a small piece, it doesn't really do anything for me. The fight sequence feels a bit too drawn out with descriptions that you could do away with, as an above poster already pointed out. (i.e. Shaking a lock of hair from your forehead.) I guess it's just a personal style, but I prefer the bigger picture rather than insignificant descriptions and actions.

As far as repitition, I guess it's a matter of style. I'm not too fond of it, but then again I've never been fond of repitition to begin with. If you say something once you've no need to say it again, unless you are as insecure as to assume that you didn't properly present your idea clearly enough, so repeating it is necessary.

Gathering legs can work either way I suppose. No real problem with it, but I can see how it can confuse some.

Like I said, this didn't do much for me mainly because of its length. I can see the message you are trying to convey with it, but you said that it's part of a larger piece so I'm interested in that.

I think the guy above covered the grammatical corrections, and there were very few to correct to begin with.

Nice job.

Doctor Snuff · 10-11-2007, 01:53 PM

I don't know about all that, afterall if boil that whole thing down into. "I had a fight with that girl who had been messin around with my man yesterday. I killed her, now what do I do." You'll have people here calling you unimaginative and lazy. I like what you did, the best part about reading is when you read something that just gives you chills, for whatever reason, and you can't give that to someone by glazing over a subject, and I can't really think of a situasion where you would want to glaze over an action sequence if it is a major story point, this one obviously is.

DavidGil · 10-11-2007, 02:36 PM

There is one comment I want to make regarding this and it is where quite a bit of fuss has been kicked up, the repetition. People can feel free to correct me on it but I'm going to stick by my view I think.

I think a lot of writing boils down to cutting when editing and the only way I can see that being kept in personally is if it fits the character/narrator. Otherwise my suggestion would be:

She was getting tired, clumsy and weak.

Much tighter isn't it and loses several words?

I don't comment on content but I will always try to restructure what is said in critiques I give out to try and say the same in less words. Anyways, just wanted to throw it in, you may or may not agree. It's your work at the end of the day.

lin · 10-11-2007, 03:03 PM

You don't score points with word counts. It's a very effective way to do things that writers have done forever.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with it.

Your suggested "improvement" is, basically, tired, clumsy and weak in comparison.