Grim

I'm Not All Right
(This is a C&P from Short Stories (my first attempt). It's sketchy at best, but I don't see it getting any better without outside advice. Thanks for reading.)


“It’s important to stay positive.”

“I know.”

“Have you been taking your medication?”

“Yeah.” Usually. Did I take it today?

“So what’s on your mind? What can I do to help?”

“I’m worried about Marcy. She seems distracted lately – she’s been hanging around with this guy I don’t know. His name is Robert.”

“Well, have you asked about him? Maybe they’re work friends.”

I shake my head. That’s bullshit, and she knows it, “All she ever does is talk about work and he's never been brought up before. They’re always meeting on the weekend. Going to some movie, or a poetry reading, or some shit. She’s got no right to do this to me.”

“John, have you talked to her about this? Maybe there’s something you don’t know about.”

“No. Her life is her life. If she wants to go parading the town her with little man-meat, then let her. We’ll see who’s having such a good goddamn time when hubby walks in on them one day.”

“John… You have to take control of this fear. What do you think your wife’s doing right now?”

“I don’t know.”

“Just take a guess. Any old thing she might be doing. It doesn’t matter if you’re right or not. Just try to think reasonably.”

“……”

“John.”

Maybe I should call her. If I call, then I’ll know for sure. None of this guessing shit.

“Can I use your phone?”

Malinda looks startled for a second, and then recedes back into shrink mode, looking like she was expecting this question ever since she got her diploma two weeks ago.

“You don’t need the phone John.” She laces her fingers together, her wedding ring sparkling a million kinds of brilliant, “I’m trying to help you. If you have to call, it’s defeating the purpose. The only way we’re going to get through this is to stick together, and you have to be honest with me.”

“Why don’t you have your own office yet, Linda? You seem smart enough. Why is the agency holding out?”

She smiles very faintly. She thinks it’s amusing that I’m asking questions. I’ve never done this before. I’m really opening up. Really breaking through.

“We all have to pay our dues John. We all have to work hard to better ourselves. Where is your medication right now?”

I poured them down the drain. When did I stand back up? Malinda is looking at me like I’m crazy.

“John. Your pills, John. You said you were still taking them. Is Marcy keeping them for you, back at home?”

“Do you think Marcy cares enough about me to keep track of that shit?”

She flinches when I say shit. Pretentious. Big Bad John, the whiney little, “Shit!”

Maria winces again. She’s trying so hard -- trying not to look scared.

“John… John, how did you find my house?”

What a stupid question, “Jesus Marcy. Maybe you’re the one that should be on the pills. We live together, for Christ’s sake! Have you forgotten that? Forgotten me?!”

“John, I’m not Marcy, I’m Linda! I’m here to help you. Please, let me just get the phone for you!” She tries to get up, to reach for the phone, but her ankle is cuffed to the sofa. I heft my Louisville slugger.

“Where is he? Still in my bed?”

“John! Ther'e no one else here!”

I throw all my weight into it.

Don’t ever lie to me.

_____

Across town, Robert rolls off of Marcy, sweat falling from his brow, his muscles still twitching from the effort. He flicks a glance at his watch, and Marcy pats his belly, “Just chill. He’ll be gone for at least another hour.”

“The guy freaks me out, okay? Why can’t you just get your own place?”

“He's my brother Rob. He just needs help." She chews her lip, idly watching the ceiling fan, pulling the sheets up above her breasts, “I think he’s getting better anyway. He says he’s been taking his pills. And he told me that he was going to see his therapist. You just have to be patient. Once he figures his life out, I’ll tell him that we want to move in together. It’ll be fine, you’ll see.”

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Due on Maple Street

Am I supposed to be confused to who Maria, Marcy, Linda, and Malinda are? That could be intent reflecting on his state of mind, or is it choppy edit (if it is I mean, hey we all have our quirks, I have a tendency to tense phase really bad, going from present to past)The conversation feels almost tense enough but it needs more than conversation.You need to tell us what is going on beyond the words, where are they, what do they look like, what is their demeanor. You did a decent job of getting into his character, he seems erratic and distraught and it wouldn't take much for us to believe that Rob should be worried about this guy walking in.
So mostly, I would just add the non conversation parts, put the world in that isn't dialogue, other than that it isn't bad. I found it interesting overall, I just wanted to know more about what was going on. Its a pretty decent start.

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I know that evening's empire has returned into sand, vanished from my hand, left me blindly here to stand but still not sleeping

Critique is always welcome. I will try to return the favor.

subtlesoda

This is all opinion of the reader, so in contrast to Due, I thought this was fine left alone. I wasn't confused, though other readers could be, and to be fair I did read this at a slow pace.

Also, the characterization of someone gone insane (or still insane) is really good. I don't want to ask how you know this incase you've had personal experience with someone, but either way if you have or have done research it shows. Good job.

Grim

Thank you both very much for the kind reviews and advice. Due, I understand how the multiple female names could become confusing. I was trying to convey that his mind was gradually slipping, turning Linda into Marcy, taking it step by step through name changes -- looking back on it, I think there's a better way to do that, and I thank you for showing me the flaw. I hadn't thought to bring much physical description into it, but there might be a way to make it fit into the overall story. I'll roll the idea around a bit. Again, thanks very much, and I hope to return the favor.

Subtle - No worries there. I've never had any close friends that have had such a condition, but I know of a few who have, and I used to know what it was like to be insecure. It was an attempt to combine the two, and I think it worked out okay, from your review. thanks so much for the review, and I'll look forward to getting back with you.

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sdavis2k

Grim

Sdavis - Well holy cow. I've read over this story nine times, and I never noticed that severe typo. Thank you, and fixed.

As for Robert, they have had some chance meetings, John just doesn't know for certain that he and Marcy are together, which is the root of his fear. But I see how that sentence sort of condemns itself. When I get back, I'll switch up the wording. Good catch.

You've spotted some pretty good cracks in the wall, and it's greatly appreciated. Looking forward to applying them soon, and hope to return the favor.

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