An Alternative Love Story - Writers Forum

ScribbleMonster · 07-30-2007, 08:39 AM

We were given a brief of an alternative love story, where it's not just plain sailing. Would you mind critiqueing this for me please?

Ultimate Trust

I loved him the very first moment I saw him. He was so graceful, slender white tipped legs, chestnut muscles rippling with latent power, ears pricked forward, eye’s bright. I rode him and I swear I died and went to heaven, he was magnificent. I bought him. I couldn’t not; who could walk away from perfection?

The honeymoon period didn’t last; in fact it didn’t really start. We arrived with the lorry on the Saturday afternoon. After three hours Sarah and I had blisters and rope burns on our hands, thistle and nettle pricks on our legs and our arms had been wrenched out of their sockets more times than we could remember by the rearing idiot who refused to go in the lorry. When we finally got him home he refused to go in a stable and jumped on my foot breaking two bones. It was not an auspicious start.
I gave him a few weeks to settle in, he had 22 acres of fields to play in, 15 other horses to get to know and I felt he could do without the stress of being ridden for a couple of weeks. Besides, my foot hurt. The first time we hacked out all was well until we entered the local woods. It was so peaceful, the sun twinkled through the young green leaves dappling the track before us, the Blackbirds sung, the Rooks cawed and somewhere high above a Red Kite shrieked. The bracken rustled with the passage of small unknown creatures, bliss. I was relaxed, enjoying the feel of my horse beneath me, the sun warming the gentle spring breeze that was encouraging the yellow cowslips to wave at us as we ambled past. I relaxed too much and we were off at a flat gallop. He stuck his head between his knees and bucked vertical, how I stayed on is beyond me but I did, leaning back, stood in the stirrups hauling for all I was worth but he didn’t stop. He just careened headlong through the woods towards the road. I was really starting to panic by the time I finally pulled him up not less than 50 yards from the road. My legs were like jelly, my heart thumped somewhere between my chest and my mouth, and my breath came in great gasps down my dry throat trying to match the demand my muscles were making on my lungs. I shook the rest of the way back to the yard whilst he danced sideways up the road, very pleased with himself.
He bucked me off so many times I stopped counting, broke both my feet in 6 months, knocked me out cold in the stable one morning and left me sitting in casualty with a hayseed under my eyelid! I became sure I had bought the wrong horse and although I still loved his wonderful elegance and the way he gleamed like the last embers on a winter fire when the sun caught him, I hated his attitude and was scared to ride him.
An entire year of bruises, bites, bolting and bucking followed. Not one to give up easily I was pottering nervously in the ménage one day when I suddenly felt him soften and his back came up under me. He gave me three strides in perfect self carriage. Over the next few months this became a trend until we could do a whole schooling session in outline, extensions and collections followed, then some lateral work. I started to trust him and felt we were, at last beginning to build a bond. We entered some dressage competitions, gradually building our marks until one day we actually won! I still found hacking out stressful and quite scary but we kept at it.
I joined some of the other owners in the school when they were playing Chase Me Charlie, a jumping game where the jump starts small and goes up in increments of 3 inches. If you clear the jump you go on to the next round. If you knock it down you go the side of the school and watch. Sarah was the queen of show jumping at our yard, her horse Lucky was a jumping machine and would pop over 4 foot easily. They lowered the jump to 18 inches for us. I trotted toward the pole, feigning confidence and flew over it. Unfortunately I wasn’t attached to my horse.
“Right, get back on and ride him into the jump, he’s taking the piss” Sarah bellowed at me over the laughter of the others. I did as I was told and we went over the jump together. It was messy and uncomfortable but we did it. The pole went up to 2 foot, then 2’3”. At 2’6” I noticed he was starting to make a nice shape and bascule slightly over the jump. By 3’3” it was just Sarah and I left in and he was jumping rather nicely. We both made it over 4 foot and called it a truce. The next weekend Sarah took us to the Rogate cross country course. I found I had a fantastic little eventer.
There was no stopping us after that. We evented whenever we could, enjoying ourselves, becoming a team. When we weren’t riding I spent time with him in the stable or in the field. I revised for my exams in the middle of a 6 acre field whilst he rummaged through my bags, stole my sandwiches and finally lay down close to me sunbathing whilst I studied.
The bond between a woman and her horse is an amazing thing. It runs so deep in both parties and is love, commitment, trust, belief, all those things and more. It can give the darkest of days a spark of sunshine and make the stresses of the world disappear like the mist on an autumn morning when the sun gets up. It is unconditional and cannot be broken.

Then came the day when he showed me ultimate trust. The day he broke my heart and shattered my life. That was the day, a glorious July afternoon, when he laid down in the field next to me, put his head in my lap and died.

Fossy · 07-30-2007, 09:33 AM

Aww, that's just too sad; too, too sad. Have tears in my eyes writing this.

I can't see anything really wrong with this apart from a bit of punctuation, cos I wasn't really concentrating, as the story had me too intrigued. So IMO if you can do that, then don't worry too much about anything else other than the fact that you hooked me in, the story flowed really well and PLEASE tell me you made a mistake with the ending - please?

ScribbleMonster · 07-30-2007, 09:37 AM

Hi Fossy

No mistake. My boy died with his head in my lap on the 20th July 3 years ago.

Paige Turner · 07-30-2007, 09:50 AM

I read this on a whim, and I think I'll be sorry for a few days that I did.
You wrote it very well, and obviously know what you are writing about.
It's one thing to make your reader feel emotions, but it's another thing altogether to make your reader feel that there is no way the story cannot be true. You succeeded on both counts, and beautifully.
I don't think I would fault you if I could, and I can't.
And I'm sorry for your loss but surely he left you with something special allowing you to hold him as he passed.
I don't know how you're inclined, but it would make for an amazing full length story.
Good, good job.

BlackWolf · 07-30-2007, 09:51 AM

The ending was the best part (I don't mean that nastily, just that it was the best written). There are some punctuation mistakes, but they are minor. A few more commas in some places, a few less in other places and you're good to go.

ScribbleMonster · 07-30-2007, 09:56 AM

Hi Paigeturner, thankyou and I'm sorry.

He left me with a lot, including the ability to sit a buck and stay on at all costs! Not all of the story is true but the bare bones are. I really don't think I could write a longer piece about him; I think it would kill me.

Thanks Blackwolf, punctuation is something I never really got a handle on, some bits stuck, some didn't.

Charlie_Eleanor · 07-30-2007, 12:13 PM

Really beautiful, scribble.

Fossy · 07-30-2007, 06:22 PM

Yes, I too am very sorry for such a terrible loss. You have certainly written this from your heart. Change nothing in this, it's perfect as it stands. I didn't realise it was a true story and yes the ending is the best part, but it's still bloody sad, it still made me cry, darn it.