Untitled fantasy piece seeking harsh critiques - Page 2 - Writers Forum

AtlanteanTapir · 07-19-2007, 07:50 PM

Great story, I have to say. BUT.

I feel he is too comfortable with his already lifestyle

he has an accent im pretty sure is from his oldself. how did he remember that, and not how to hunt?

just my opinion, great job.

Johnna · 07-19-2007, 07:57 PM

Thanks.

He is comfortable because when he lost his memory, it didn't effect (affect?) his way of thinking, his speech, the way he walks, how he treats his sister (except for those few moments). I didn't actually notice an accent. I just wrote it the way he talks in my head, as if he were dictating to me.

Things he doesn't remember include hunting, his family, childhood memories, his villages, etc. Things he made a conscious effort to learn or remember.

If you're going to bring up the fact that he remembered how to play the harmonica... Don't worry about it just yet.

Anyway, thanks again.

Mystery · 07-25-2007, 09:23 AM

Bumping this and reserving spot to give critique since I owe you one.

Emmett89 · 07-28-2007, 11:50 PM

"He had never seen a pine tree before—or had he? He couldn't remember"

I really don't like that line. If he could remember the term of a pine tree, I think it's safe to say he's seen one before.

Some of the time when he's by himself (looking for firewood, etc..) he says things out loud, cursing himself, things like that. What about having him think these things in his head, try to delve deeper into what it would be like for a person to lose his memory. Make him a tad more confused, he seemed to adapt too quickly to some things.

Insomnia stories are always fairly interesting, hopefully this one doesn't fall into the cliche of slowly remembering and then exacting justice on whomever wronged him/his family.

Good start though!

Johnna · 07-29-2007, 12:03 AM

Thanks, Emmett. I'll fix that line and work on what you suggested.

As for him slowly regaining his memory, I doubt he'll regain it at all. At this point, I don't see it happening. We will, however, find out why the village was attacked.

Mystery, thanks for the bump and looking forward to that critique.

Johnna · 07-30-2007, 09:56 PM

Murder it with critiques, please. I'm afraid this chapter might be too short. Thoughts/comments?

Chapter Three

Rev twisted around, trying to see her back in the mirror. The dress was a little too big on her, but she didn't mind much. Her mama always dressed her in inelegant trouser-and-tunic combinations that made people stare. Rev didn't really know why, except that all the other little girls wore skirts. She thought that the dress looked pretty on her, but the shoes pinched her feet.

"Oh, how lovely you are," Byli said, tugging on the hem of the dress.

"Thank you, ma'am," Rev said, remembering her manners. "Byli, do you know what's wrong with Xavie?"

Byli turned her head, but Rev could still see her frown. "I'm not rightly sure, sweetie pie. He's just... having a hard time just now."

"Because he don't remember anything," Rev said. She immediately clapped her hands over her mouth, eyes wide. She wasn't supposed to tell!

"Don't remember anything? What do you mean?" Byli asked, kneeling down to look Rev in the eyes. Rev lowered her lashes, veiling her eyes. Mama had always told her not to look anyone in the eye because they'd get mad. Rev had discovered the truth of this statement after she had made eyes contact with one of the red and white soldiers before they had come to the village, although the 'why' behind it puzzled her.

"Don't mean nothing, ma'am," she said vaguely.

"Come on, tell me, child," Byli urged. "If you tell me, maybe I can help."

Rev bit her lip, trying not to cry. She didn't want Xavie to be mad at her. Before all of this had happened, he had been so nice. Everyone in the village had called him a good boy, that he could keep his temper reigned so well. But the new Xavie... He yelled and tugged and got angry for no reason. She wanted her old brother back.

"He can't remember anything afore yesterday," she whispered. "Since he woke up... He's different."

"Did anything happen that night before?"

"The village... Men shot at the village."

"Do you remember anything else, baby?"

"Xavie dropped me. I thought he got shot, but he was fine in the morning, 'cept for not remembering." Rev twisted her skirt uncomfortably. "Scuse me, ma'am, but I wanna go down and see him."

"Alright, then," Byli said. She stood and offered Rev her hand. They walked down the stairs together and entered the kitchen.

Xavie stood abruptly when Rev entered with Byli. Immediately he went to his knees in front of her and whispered, for her ears only, "Please forgive me, honey. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'm getting help. See?" He motioned to Keph. "I promise I'll never, ever hurt you again, alright? I promise."

Rev stared him in the eye for a moment before throwing her arms around his neck in a hug. He patted her back, sighing with relief. When she released him, he stood and said, "I've told you everything, Keph. Can you help me?"

Keph dithered a bit, fiddling with the collar of his tunic. "I don't rightly think so," he told Xavie. "But I don't think it's safe for you to go out into the world alone with the girl."

"We can't stay here," Xavie said. "You're all in danger."

Keph and Harym exchanged uneasy glances. "You could leave little Rev here," Harym suggested.

"No!" Rev said loudly, clinging to Xavie's hand. "No, no, no!" She stamped her foot for emphasis.

"Hush," Xavie said. "We're not going to be separated."

"Well," Keph said abruptly, standing. "There's nothing for it. I'll escort you to Eltya so you can find a better healer. I daresay I'm not the best."

"We can't ask you to abandon your life for us," Xavie said.

"Ah, what life?" Keph said with a smile. "No family, no work. It'll be fun."

"If you say so," Xavie conceded doubtfully.

Rev tugged his hand. He bent down and she whispered, "Xavie, I don't want him to come. I don't like him." Xavie glanced at Keph, who looked politely puzzled as Rev glared at him.

"Don't be silly," Xavie murmured. "He's going to help us." Rev made an indignant noise and pulled her hand away to cross her arms, but she kept her silence.

"I'll just nip home first, then," Keph said. "Got to pick up some things. I'll meet you at the crossroads. Just follow the road past the farm and you'll see it." He nodded briskly and left the house.

Silence followed Keph's exit. Byli busied herself finding and packing a bag for Xavie to carry. Harym dithered about in the kitchen for a few minutes before taking Rev into the front room to read her a story.

Xavie stood against the kitchen wall, out of Byli's way, watching as she wrapped up various foodstuffs for him.

"Xavie," she said, not looking at him. "You'd best take care of that sweet little girl because rest assured if she is hurt in any way, I will send Harym to hunt you down and beat you bloody on my behalf."

Xavie blinked. That was quite a threat, coming from this frail-looking woman. "Yes, ma'am," he said.

"Good." She stopped talking then, and when she turned to him to hand him the full bag, she was all smiles. "I hope you have a good trip. Thomik's luck." Xavie nodded and thanked her as he accepted the bag and slung it onto his back.

"Rev, it's time," Xavie said as he walked into the front room.

"Alright," she said. "'Bye, Harym! Bye, Byli!" She jumped off of Harym's knee and ran to Xavie, taking his hand.

"You be careful now," Byli said as they walked out the door.

"Yes, ma'am," they replied in unison. Rev waved once more before Xavie shut the door behind them and led the way back to the road.

A half mile down the road, the land turned to forest again. Rev skipped along happily, humming a little tune that Xavie vaguely remembered. This gave him hope; perhaps he was regaining his memory. However, by the time they reached the crossroad, he realized that the tune was the same one he had played on the harmonica the day before.

Keph awaited them in the middle of the intersection, arms crossed. His eyes darted around and his fingers twitched, tapping out a rhythm on his thigh. Xavie stopped short before Keph noticed them and put a hand on Rev's shoulder. She looked at him and he motioned for her to follow him. He led her into the underbrush that lined the road, and he crouched down.

"Something's not right," he whispered. "I want you to climb that tree," he pointed to a nearby tree with low branches. "And you don't come down unless you hear me whistling that tune you were just singing."

"Yes, sir," Rev agreed softly. She scampered away and swung into the tree. When she was out of sight, Xavie returned to the road and walked towards Keph, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"Where's the girl?" Keph snapped as soon as Xavie came near. "We—I thought she was coming with you."

"She's on her way," Xavie said. "I promised to wait here for her."'

"She should be here!" Keph said desperately. "No—wait--!" Xavie stared in horror as a bolt abruptly took Keph in the chest. The small man fell, gasping, clutching at it.

Xavie spun around as men in red and white livery burst from the trees and surrounded him. He drew his daggers clumsily, but he already knew that, unlike the harmonica, he would not be able to use the daggers properly.

"Drop your weapons," one of the men snapped. Xavie obeyed, his heart hammering.

The liveried men were dressed for intimidation. They wore black greaves and gauntlets, along with matching masked helms. Their quivers were full of barbed bolts that were more than sufficient for piercing armor.

One of the men lowered his bow and stepped forward. He wore an open black coat over his livery; a captain's badge was pinned to the breast. Removing a length of rope from his belt, he said sharply, "Hands in front of you." Xavie didn't move. He still wasn't sure what kind of person he was, but he was certain that he wasn't going to concede to this man's wishes.

"In front!" the officer shouted. Xavie looked around at the bows leveled at his chest and despair welled up in him. He was going to die here because there was no way he was going to give up and raise his hands.

Tension filled the air. Xavie's mind was racing with plans; his eyes darted, searching for escape routes. Before he could act on any of his half-baked ideas, he noticed that the officer wasn't looking at him anymore. The man's gaze—along with every other soldier's—was focused behind Xavie, who spun about.

Rev stood in front of one of the soldiers, inside the circle. Her red-orange eyes were wide, and she held the man's gaze. Xavie watched incredulously as the soldier tossed his bow behind himself with a clatter. He slowly dropped to the ground, not stopping until he lay on his side, curled into a ball. His staring eyes focused on nothing.

"Witch," whispered the officer. "She's the one. The wi—Get her!"

The soldiers jumped to obey, but Rev turned her piercing gaze on them. The men stopped as if they had hit an invisible wall. Xavie watched, mystified and a little frightened, as one by one the men tossed away their bows and sat down, staring blankly into space. Finally only the officer was left.

"W-witch," he stammered. Rev looked at him, but he didn't seem to be affected by her eyes as the others were. He leveled his bow at her chest, face dripping sweat.

"Put the bow down," Xavie said softly. He stepped towards the man, a hand peaceably out in front of him. When the man swung around suddenly, a manic glint in his eye, and squeezed the trigger, Xavie was too stunned to react.

The bolt slammed into his chest just below his collarbone. He was thrown back from the force of being shot from only a few feet away. Landing heavily on his back, he noticed briefly that the sky that day was perfect, clear and blue. He vaguely heard Rev scream and the officer shout something, but then his eyes fluttered closed and the voices faded into silence.

Thanks for reading.

blodren · 07-31-2007, 03:31 AM

If it's blue, it's my general thoughts. There's a small red thing which is just pointing out a gramatical error that I noticed. Double check it, though. I may have passed English with an A, but it certainly wasn't because of my grammar skills (or my spelling).

Blodren

Quote:

Originally Posted by Johnna

Thanks to everyone who read and commented. Here's chapter two. Harsh critiques, please. This is unedited, so excuse a typo here or there.

Chapter Two

The sound of footsteps and shouts woke Xavie. It was still dark, but false dawn turned the sky a deep bluish-grey. A tremor of fear wracked through him. Whoever was shouting for whatever reason, he had a very bad feeling in the pit of his stomach.

If they're looking for someone, why are they shouting? They might as well dress themselves in yellow and dance through the forest as they try and track something.

The fire had long since gone out. Xavie hurriedly kicked dried leaves over the ashes and gathered up his meager belongings. Glancing around once more, he took hold of a low branch of the tree that had been his shelter and pulled himself up.

He climbed until he came upon Rev, asleep in a cradle of branches. Placing a hand over her mouth, he shook her gently. When her eyes flew open, he put a finger to his lips.

Bringing his mouth close to her ear, he whispered, "There are people down there and I don't think they're friendly." She nodded; he removed his hand.

Xavie winced as Rev moved to perch precariously further out on a bare branch. She turned her gaze to the ground and Xavie saw her grip tighten on the branch as two men came into view below them.

The men were dressed in dirty red and white livery, and they were armed with swords and light crossbows. One of them bent close to the ground and said something softly to his companion. The other man nodded. Xavie held his breath. If they looked up, Rev was in plain view.

Both swords and crossbows? That's slightly abnormal from what i've read and seen elsewhere. If they have crossbows, they're more than likely skilled with daggars, but not swords. A large hunting daggar might fit better here.

The men looked around, bending to look under bushes and glancing behind trees. They gave up the search when shouts sounded in the distance, and Xavie let out a sigh of relief as they walked away.

Rev inched her way back to him and looked at him with wide eyes. "I'm scared, brother," she whispered. "Those were the men from the village. I remember their clothes. All matching."

Xavie put a hand on her shoulder. "Then we'd best stay clear of them. We'll wait here until dawn and then move on. Go back to sleep." Rev nodded and climbed back into her little nest; she fell into a fitful sleep quickly. Xavie wondered at how she could sleep in a tree. He didn't dare close his eyes for fear of falling out.

He watched the sky. It was slowly turning brighter, the bluish-grey turning to pale grey to light blue. In the west, the sun rose, painting the heavens a lovely pinkish-orange. Birds began to chirp and nocturnal animals settled down.

I'm assuming you meant for the sun to rise in the west. Just thought i'd bring it up since you said you haven't edited it yet.

By the time the sun crested the trees, Xavie felt secure enough to move on. He woke Rev and they climbed down from the tree. Xavie lifted the girl to his shoulders. He made his way back to the river and began walking along it once more.

Why are they traveling in daylight? That makes them easiest to spot.

"I'm hungry," Rev complained.

"Maybe we'll find some people to buy food from today," Xavie said.

"Why don't you just hunt?" she grumbled. "My stomach hurts."

"I don't know how to hunt," Xavie informed her. She made an indignant noise.

"How can you have forgotten everything? It's just not... not right," she said. "You were the best hunter in the village! Why do you think you carry hunting daggers?"

"We'll walk until noon. Can you hold out until then?" Xavie didn't want to take the time to stop and try to remember how to hunt. They had lost enough time the night before.

"I guess," she told him with a sigh.

Another small point (and I may be wrong, depends on what he's going to hunt) but deer tend to bed down during the heat of the day and it'd be most difficult to hunt them then. Xavie may have forgotten that, but Rev would know some things if her big brother was the best hunter in the village.

Taking heart in her steadfastness, he picked up the pace.

The river curved a little as they walked; soon they were heading north rather than east. The sun climbed higher and higher, heating the air and making Xavie sweat. He didn't stop, though. Walking helped him think, and he tried to puzzle out what exactly was going on.

If Rev's word could be trusted—and he had to trust her, for he had no one else—then the men in livery had been tracking them since they had fled the village. What was so special about him—or Rev—to warrant such a chase? Maybe they were mage-hunters. Did such a thing exist? Perhaps they had something that belonged to the soldiers' employer. What did they have? A harmonica, some silver, a necklace. Nothing special. The only way he would find out, he concluded, would be to inquire more of Rev.

However, before he had a chance to do so, they came upon a bridge. It was built of sturdy logs and arced high above the river, which had been growing steadily wider.

"What d'you think?" Xavie said. "Across?"

"Maybe there's people on the other side," Rev told him. "Can I walk now?" He lifted her down and she turned to look up at him. "Will you hunt yet?"

Possibly use he set her down rathar than he lifted her down?

"Not quite," Xavie said. "I'm sorry, but we need to find people." Rev sighed but didn't argue. Xavie took her hand and they walked across the bridge.

On the other side, a cobblestone path led away fro the bridge. Xavie vaguely wondered why there was a path on one side of the bridge but not the other, but pushed the thought from his head. At least Rev's feet weren't in danger from the smooth stones.

After only a quarter mile, they finally came upon a farm. Fields stretched for miles into the distance, and Xavie was a little shocked at the abrupt transition from forest to farmland. The sun seemed to shine brighter and the sky seemed bluer.

You changed time as far as years go and the sun rising in the west. You may be better off changing distances as well.

"Come on, Xavie," Rev urged, tugging his hand. Realizing he had stopped dead in the middle of the road, Xavie allowed her to pull him along to the farmhouse that was the center of the cleared land.

Assuming this'll be cleared up later, the whole enhancement of his sight. Don't want to ruin it if you include why later in the story.

The house didn't have much area, but it was at least three stories high, not including an attic. Xavie looked up at it, impressed. He had never seen anything like it. Or maybe he had. He couldn't remember.

The ground floor was surrounded by a porch. As Xavie and Rev stepped onto it, heading for the front door, a man walked around the corner to their right and started at the sight of them. They both turned, to look at him.

Xavie was silent for a moment as he took in the farmer's odd appearance. The man wore calf length pants and a long vest that was left open to display his grey-haired chest. His head was bald, but he sported thick grey mustaches. His eyes were brownish-yellow, and they glowed slightly. In one hand he carried a bloody axe; in the other he held the dripping head of a pig. Blood coated his hands to the wrists.

"Uhm, hello there," Xavie said, taken aback. "I—That is, we—"

"Well this ain't a sight for innocent eyes," the farmer muttered. He walked back around the corner, and when he returned, the pig's head and axe were gone and his hands were clean. "You gave me a fright, you did. Where're you from? How'd you get here?"

"Harym?" A shrill voice permeated the air from inside the house. "Harym, who you talking to?"

"Not rightly sure," the farmer—Harym—replied. "I'm Harym Marilka. Right nice to meet folks traveling, Master..."

"Xaviema Kavoir," Rev said. She pulled her hand free of Xavie's and walked closer to Harym, placing her hands on her hips and tilting her head back to look at him. Xavie noticed that she kept her lashes lowered, as if she were shy, which completely contradicted her bold stance. "And I'm Revya Kavoir. He's my brother. Do you have anything to eat?"

I like the way you described her here. 'Xavie noticed that she kept her lashes lowered, as if she were shy, which completely contradicted her bold stance.' That stands out at me for some reason.

"Direct little thing, ain't you?" Harym said, smoothing his mustaches to cover a smile. "For a pretty little thing like you, I sure do have something. You get on right in the house and talk to the lady in there. Tell her you're hungry." Rev nodded briskly at him and obeyed.

Once the door closed behind her, Harym looked at Xavie. "Listen, Master Kavoir," he said, his voice serious. "My family's right lawful folk. Sweet little girl like that don’t need to be in the middle of no kind of trouble man such as you might get into, and we don't need no soldiers at our door."

Xavie looked away, his face set grimly. "I can't give you any reassurances that you won't find soldiers at your door," he said slowly. "But so long as she gets fed, we won't be here to be found come sundown."

Harym looked him over from head to toe before smiling and saying, "Well, sir, I daresay she won’t be the only one fed. I don’t know what kind of trouble you're in, and I don't rightly care to know, but I was a wild young man myself and I know how it is to be on the wrong side of the law and hungry to boot. Get on in there and sit yourself down."

"Thank you, Master Marilka." Xavie nodded to him and went through the door behind him.

Anyone would be concerned about his house and land so it was good to see they took a moment here and talked. Don't fully understand why he freely gave away food. Unless he's in on something. It's just something that isn't normally done.

The inside of the house was tidy and clean. It was also the kind of place one might find comfort. Xavie, however, found no comfort. He only felt nervous at being so confined, with no escape route.

"Well," said that same high pitched voice that had shouted earlier. "You must be Xavie."

The speaker was a woman standing in the doorway of an adjoining room. She was tall, with long, straight dirty blonde hair and dull green eyes. Her toothy smile was anything but dull, and she beckoned to him before disappearing into the other room.

blodren · 07-31-2007, 03:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Johnna

(continued)

Xavie followed. The room was a kitchen, full of heat and steam and good smells. Rev sat at the table happily munching bread and tiny carrots with one hand and sipping from a mug with the other. He sat down across from her, awkwardly perched on the edge of his seat.

Try heat, steam and good smells. You don't need both ands there; it may even be grammatically incorrect, i'm not certain.

"How d'you like your coffee?" the woman asked, glancing at him over her shoulder.

"Uhm... Black?" Xavie ventured.

"No!" Rev said. "With milk. He always takes it with milk, Byli."

"With milk, then," Xavie conceded. Byli looked at him strangely.

"What, you can't remember what you like?" she said, only half-joking, as she handed him a cup.

"No, he—" Rev began, but Xavie cut her off.

"Of course I can," he said. "Rev likes her little game." He gave Rev a meaningful look and thanked Byli. Sipping, he grimaced at the taste. He liked this stuff?

Harym came in just then, and Byli grinned at him before kissing his cheek. "You tribute that pig head?" she asked. Xavie wondered what she meant by that. Harym obviously knew, because he answered, "Of course, proper and nice, like you taught." Byli nodded firmly at him before shooing him to the table.

"So after you have lunch, you gonna stay a while?" he asked Xavie.

"No, I don't think so," he answered. "I was wondering, though, if you might have any kind of shoes that might fit Rev? She's been barefoot for a while now, and—"

"I have just the thing," Byli interrupted. "Rym, go upstairs and bring down Kam's old shoes... And her black dress. Go, man, go, don't just sit there!" Harym sighed but stood with a groan and left.

She seems extremely motherly for just meeting Rev and Xavie.

In his absence, Byli put plates loaded with meat, potatoes, bread, and various vegetables in front of Rev and Xavie. Xavie was halfway done by the time Harym returned.

"These?" he asked Byli, holding up the requested items.

"Yes, good man. Now sit and eat." She served him as well and took the dress and shoes from him. "This won't do. It's all torn up. I can fix it in a moment, though. Revya, when you're done, come on up to the second floor, sweetling." Rev nodded, eyes intent on her plate, and Byli left.

Xavie concentrated on his food, trying not to make eye contact with Harym. The man was kind enough, but Xavie was suspicious of him. Why had he given them food so quickly? Why was he being so kind? He gained nothing from helping them. What if he was working for the soldiers? What if they had charged him with killing Xavie and Rev?

At that thought, Xavie stood so abruptly his chair fell over, banging loudly on the floor.

"Xavie?" Rev said in alarm.

"Stop eating," Xavie told her. "C'mon, we're leaving."

"What? I'm hungry!" she whined. "Lemme finish!"

"It's not good food, Rev," he said firmly. "It's time to go!"

"Now wait just a moment," Harym said, standing up and holding his hands peaceably out towards Xavie. "What's wrong with the food? Did Byli cook it wrong?"

"You can drop the act, man," Xavie said, striding around the table and wrenching Rev out of her chair by the arm. She cried out in pain, and Harym stopped being peaceful. He took a step forward, reared back, and punched Xavie in the face.

Xavie went down, causing Rev to fall. She cried out again, and Harym picked her up.

"I don't know what's a matter with you, but I ain't gonna stand by and let you hurt this girl! Nuh-uh." Harym set Rev down and said, "Go on upstairs, baby. Byli'll get you all dressed." Rev scampered from the room, sniffling, and Harym turned back to Xavie.

Xavie had pushed himself to his feet and was staring wide-eyed at the farmer, blood pouring freely from his nose. "R-Rev? Oh, gods, what've I done?" he muttered. "Harym, you'd best take me to a madhouse, 'cause I've gone crazy."

"I can see that," Harym said calmly. "Now why don't you just sit yourself down and I'll call a healer."

"Yes. Yes, that would be fine," Xavie said dazedly. He collapsed into a chair, running his fingers through his hair and sighing heavily. Harym walked over to the window over the stove and Xavie was startled to see a tinge of yellow color the air around his hands. He muttered something, made an odd gesture with his fingers, and returned to the table.

I'm anxious to read your reasoning behind his mood swings.

Xavie stared at him in confusion as he unconcernedly returned to eating. Wasn't he going to call a healer?

Then Xavie remembered about magic. Was everyone in this crazy place a mage?

Harym took his time about eating, and just as he finished, a knock sounded at the front door.

"Ah, there he is," he said, standing up. He walked into the front room. Xavie heard low voices for a moment before Harym returned, leading another man.

The first thing Xavie noticed was that the man was tiny; his head didn't top Harym's shoulder, and Xavie doubted he was chest-high on Xavie himself. Other than that, he had lank black hair and dull orange eyes. He dressed in brown tunic and trousers. Xavie was glad not everyone dressed so oddly as Harym.

I read your third chapter before commenting here so I caught this point. Rev had orange eyes when she was, i'm assuming, using magic. Does one's eyes take on an orange coloring over time, or is he using a weaker magic at the moment?

Harym and the other man sat down across the table from Xavie. "This is Keph," he told Xavie. "Keph, Xaviema."

"Just Xavie," Xavie corrected. "Can—can you help me?" He didn't like sounding so vulnerable, but there was nothing he could do about it when he was so scared of himself that his hands were shaking.

"Hopefully," Keph said in a baritone voice that was surprising coming from someone his size. "Tell me your symptoms."

Xavie glanced at Harym, still slightly nervous about revealing that he had no memory. He decided, however, that he had no choice. With a sigh, he began to tell them everything.

Thanks for reading.

blodren · 07-31-2007, 03:56 AM

I'd hate to murder it with critiques, since I like it overall, but i'm doing my best to bludgeon it for you. Here's the last part with my comments for you. Hope they help.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Johnna

Murder it with critiques, please. I'm afraid this chapter might be too short. Thoughts/comments?

Chapter Three

Rev twisted around, trying to see her back in the mirror. The dress was a little too big on her, but she didn't mind much. Her mama always dressed her in inelegant trouser-and-tunic combinations that made people stare. Rev didn't really know why, except that all the other little girls wore skirts. She thought that the dress looked pretty on her, but the shoes pinched her feet.

"Oh, how lovely you are," Byli said, tugging on the hem of the dress.

"Thank you, ma'am," Rev said, remembering her manners. "Byli, do you know what's wrong with Xavie?"

Byli turned her head, but Rev could still see her frown. "I'm not rightly sure, sweetie pie. He's just... having a hard time just now."

"Because he don't remember anything," Rev said. She immediately clapped her hands over her mouth, eyes wide. She wasn't supposed to tell!

"Don't remember anything? What do you mean?" Byli asked, kneeling down to look Rev in the eyes. Rev lowered her lashes, veiling her eyes. Mama had always told her not to look anyone in the eye because they'd get mad. Rev had discovered the truth of this statement after she had made eyes contact with one of the red and white soldiers before they had come to the village, although the 'why' behind it puzzled her.

Always questioning. I'm glad you're keeping a common theme with Rev.

"Don't mean nothing, ma'am," she said vaguely.

"Come on, tell me, child," Byli urged. "If you tell me, maybe I can help."

Rev bit her lip, trying not to cry. She didn't want Xavie to be mad at her. Before all of this had happened, he had been so nice. Everyone in the village had called him a good boy, that he could keep his temper reigned so well. But the new Xavie... He yelled and tugged and got angry for no reason. She wanted her old brother back.

"He can't remember anything afore yesterday," she whispered. "Since he woke up... He's different."

"Did anything happen that night before?"

"The village... Men shot at the village."

"Do you remember anything else, baby?"

"Xavie dropped me. I thought he got shot, but he was fine in the morning, 'cept for not remembering." Rev twisted her skirt uncomfortably. "Scuse me, ma'am, but I wanna go down and see him."

Accent fits what i'd expect for where they seem to come from (a small village along the countryside).

"Alright, then," Byli said. She stood and offered Rev her hand. They walked down the stairs together and entered the kitchen.

Xavie stood abruptly when Rev entered with Byli. Immediately he went to his knees in front of her and whispered, for her ears only, "Please forgive me, honey. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'm getting help. See?" He motioned to Keph. "I promise I'll never, ever hurt you again, alright? I promise."

He's awfully concerned for someone who claims to be his sister. If he doesn't remember, why is he so overly concerned like this?

Rev stared him in the eye for a moment before throwing her arms around his neck in a hug. He patted her back, sighing with relief. When she released him, he stood and said, "I've told you everything, Keph. Can you help me?"

Keph dithered a bit, fiddling with the collar of his tunic. "I don't rightly think so," he told Xavie. "But I don't think it's safe for you to go out into the world alone with the girl."

He's nervous about something. Gives me the impression that he's up to something. I like that you tied that in.

"We can't stay here," Xavie said. "You're all in danger."

Keph and Harym exchanged uneasy glances. "You could leave little Rev here," Harym suggested.

"No!" Rev said loudly, clinging to Xavie's hand. "No, no, no!" She stamped her foot for emphasis.

"Hush," Xavie said. "We're not going to be separated."

Just that over caring about his sister point again.

"Well," Keph said abruptly, standing. "There's nothing for it. I'll escort you to Eltya so you can find a better healer. I daresay I'm not the best."

"We can't ask you to abandon your life for us," Xavie said.

"Ah, what life?" Keph said with a smile. "No family, no work. It'll be fun."

"If you say so," Xavie conceded doubtfully.

Rev tugged his hand. He bent down and she whispered, "Xavie, I don't want him to come. I don't like him." Xavie glanced at Keph, who looked politely puzzled as Rev glared at him.

"Don't be silly," Xavie murmured. "He's going to help us." Rev made an indignant noise and pulled her hand away to cross her arms, but she kept her silence.

"I'll just nip home first, then," Keph said. "Got to pick up some things. I'll meet you at the crossroads. Just follow the road past the farm and you'll see it." He nodded briskly and left the house.

Silence followed Keph's exit. Byli busied herself finding and packing a bag for Xavie to carry. Harym dithered about in the kitchen for a few minutes before taking Rev into the front room to read her a story.

Xavie stood against the kitchen wall, out of Byli's way, watching as she wrapped up various foodstuffs for him.

"Xavie," she said, not looking at him. "You'd best take care of that sweet little girl because rest assured if she is hurt in any way, I will send Harym to hunt you down and beat you bloody on my behalf."

Xavie blinked. That was quite a threat, coming from this frail-looking woman. "Yes, ma'am," he said.

"Good." She stopped talking then, and when she turned to him to hand him the full bag, she was all smiles. "I hope you have a good trip. Thomik's luck." Xavie nodded and thanked her as he accepted the bag and slung it onto his back.

"Rev, it's time," Xavie said as he walked into the front room.

"Alright," she said. "'Bye, Harym! Bye, Byli!" She jumped off of Harym's knee and ran to Xavie, taking his hand.

"You be careful now," Byli said as they walked out the door.

"Yes, ma'am," they replied in unison. Rev waved once more before Xavie shut the door behind them and led the way back to the road.

A half mile down the road, the land turned to forest again. Rev skipped along happily, humming a little tune that Xavie vaguely remembered. This gave him hope; perhaps he was regaining his memory. However, by the time they reached the crossroad, he realized that the tune was the same one he had played on the harmonica the day before.

Just the distance point again in case you decide to change it. I'm pointing out another spot I found mile at.

Keph awaited them in the middle of the intersection, arms crossed. His eyes darted around and his fingers twitched, tapping out a rhythm on his thigh. Xavie stopped short before Keph noticed them and put a hand on Rev's shoulder. She looked at him and he motioned for her to follow him. He led her into the underbrush that lined the road, and he crouched down.

"Something's not right," he whispered. "I want you to climb that tree," he pointed to a nearby tree with low branches. "And you don't come down unless you hear me whistling that tune you were just singing."

"Yes, sir," Rev agreed softly. She scampered away and swung into the tree. When she was out of sight, Xavie returned to the road and walked towards Keph, shoving his hands in his pockets.

'Yes sir'?

"Where's the girl?" Keph snapped as soon as Xavie came near. "We—I thought she was coming with you."

"She's on her way," Xavie said. "I promised to wait here for her."'

"She should be here!" Keph said desperately. "No—wait--!" Xavie stared in horror as a bolt abruptly took Keph in the chest. The small man fell, gasping, clutching at it.

Xavie spun around as men in red and white livery burst from the trees and surrounded him. He drew his daggers clumsily, but he already knew that, unlike the harmonica, he would not be able to use the daggers properly.

"Drop your weapons," one of the men snapped. Xavie obeyed, his heart hammering.

'Drop your weapons' so he drops a daggar. You stated before how he had multiple on him. Quoting from what Rev said 'Why do you think you carry hunting knives.' Are the others hidden away, then?

The liveried men were dressed for intimidation. They wore black greaves and gauntlets, along with matching masked helms. Their quivers were full of barbed bolts that were more than sufficient for piercing armor.

One of the men lowered his bow and stepped forward. He wore an open black coat over his livery; a captain's badge was pinned to the breast. Removing a length of rope from his belt, he said sharply, "Hands in front of you." Xavie didn't move. He still wasn't sure what kind of person he was, but he was certain that he wasn't going to concede to this man's wishes.

How should we know that it's a captain's badge? A badge maybe, but does it have 'captain' written across it in big, bold, red letters or something?

"In front!" the officer shouted. Xavie looked around at the bows leveled at his chest and despair welled up in him. He was going to die here because there was no way he was going to give up and raise his hands.

Tension filled the air. Xavie's mind was racing with plans; his eyes darted, searching for escape routes. Before he could act on any of his half-baked ideas, he noticed that the officer wasn't looking at him anymore. The man's gaze—along with every other soldier's—was focused behind Xavie, who spun about.

Rev stood in front of one of the soldiers, inside the circle. Her red-orange eyes were wide, and she held the man's gaze. Xavie watched incredulously as the soldier tossed his bow behind himself with a clatter. He slowly dropped to the ground, not stopping until he lay on his side, curled into a ball. His staring eyes focused on nothing.

"Witch," whispered the officer. "She's the one. The wi—Get her!"

The soldiers jumped to obey, but Rev turned her piercing gaze on them. The men stopped as if they had hit an invisible wall. Xavie watched, mystified and a little frightened, as one by one the men tossed away their bows and sat down, staring blankly into space. Finally only the officer was left.

"W-witch," he stammered. Rev looked at him, but he didn't seem to be affected by her eyes as the others were. He leveled his bow at her chest, face dripping sweat.

"Put the bow down," Xavie said softly. He stepped towards the man, a hand peaceably out in front of him. When the man swung around suddenly, a manic glint in his eye, and squeezed the trigger, Xavie was too stunned to react.

I take back what I said earlier about him having battle knowledge. That was the stupidest thing he could have done except for attacking his sister himself.

The bolt slammed into his chest just below his collarbone. He was thrown back from the force of being shot from only a few feet away. Landing heavily on his back, he noticed briefly that the sky that day was perfect, clear and blue. He vaguely heard Rev scream and the officer shout something, but then his eyes fluttered closed and the voices faded into silence.

Thanks for reading.

It's true that the chapter is shorter, but I don't see that being a major problem. I notice that sometimes in books, but it's never a major thing unless there's three or four chapters in a row like that. I hope that helps you get over your comment fear. Can't wait to read more.

Blodren

Johnna · 07-31-2007, 03:56 AM

Now that's the kind of critique I'm talking about!

As for the things you pointed out like the men shouting, carrying swords, and Rev telling Xavie to hunt, (and the grammar stuff) looking back, it would definitely make sense to change that stuff. Thanks for pointing it out.

The sun rises in the west in my world.

As for them traveling in daylight, well, I didn't think about that. I think I might just let them be stupid at that point.

When you say "enhancement of his sight"... That was completely unintentional. It just seemed to be clearer; his eyes didn't get better. I'll clear that up.

"I like the way you described her here. 'Xavie noticed that she kept her lashes lowered, as if she were shy, which completely contradicted her bold stance.' That stands out at me for some reason."

I'm glad you noticed. Her eyes are important.

Byli and Harym are just nice people, not used to being threatened. They see these two kids on the run and they want to help just because they feel sorry for them. They kind of dislike soldiers because soldiers never come into their wood and mess with them for any GOOD reason, but these kids are like neighbors, friends... They relate to them well.

As for the eyes... Strong mages have yellow eyes. The weaker they are, the darker their eyes are. (Xavie has orange eyes because he's a weak mage; Rev has red-orange eyes because she's a mix between a mage and a witch, which I assume you caught if you've read chapter three. Witches have red or pink eyes.) In my world, and this is a direct quote from my other novel, "magic manifests itself in one's eyes".

Thanks for the critique, it's been very helpful.

Johnna · 07-31-2007, 04:02 AM

Reply to the second critique:

"Yes, sir": Her mama raised her polite! What's wrong with "yes, sir"? She says "yes, ma'am"...

He dropped both daggers when the man ordered him to. I'll clear it up.

He couldn't have known it was a captain's badge... Oops. *sheepish*

Even though he has no memory, Xavie's still Rev's older brother. He has an inherent protectiveness in him that has nothing to do with memory.

At the end, I wanted to make him do something stupid. I guess it worked!

Again, thanks for the critique!

biggles · 07-31-2007, 05:11 AM

Yeah I do. It's too hollywood cutesy- too obvious. Every single step of fantasy can be expected. The little girl's braveness and her brother's strength seemingly played down reeks of vomit. shmaltz