A modern day bit of writing (Rather dark, mainly scene/character building, 588 words) - Writers Forum

DavidGil · 07-03-2007, 10:22 AM

Edit: Az. I took the vast majority of it on board and made the decision to start the piece where he's in the queue, thus lessening the time he's outside. I'll see if I can apply the same to the rest of the piece now as I didn't notice a lot in previous read throughs. Many thanks again.

The thrill of the hunt dies with the quarry. Yet even now I find myself invigorated as the time to find another quarry dawns. The nightlife of Los Angeles was always ripe for fulfilling needs. Long queues of people waited outside the many clubs that he'd passed. The crowds were impatient to get inside as the eager anticipation to party reached a fever pitch. The night was also something else however, not just a place where people could have their needs fulfilled.

Standing in the queue, the patter of the rain beat down on the hood of his coat. His purpose was singular. A blonde stood two places in advance down the queue. She was stunning and stood out amongst the people as plain as day in the haze that the downpour had created. Her legs were long and she wore a tight mini-skirt allowing her to show them off in all their enticing glory. So alluring they are, his thoughts wandered. Two other women accompanied her on either side.

The group of women were allowed entry and his turn came to enter afterwards. The bouncer who greeted him was a heavily built man. The bouncer scrutinised him closely. He let the coat’s hood fall back. Finally, the bald headed bouncer nodded. “Go on in. You’ll be searched first then pay for your ticket at the counter.”

He nodded. “I will do so.”

Entering, he caught a glimpse of the blonde for a second. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a tall coloured man approaching. “Empty your pockets.”

He did as he was bid; emptying his possessions into a silver tray on a table. His possessions were a pair of black gloves, keys and a wallet. The coloured man patted him down, searching. Once satisfied, the man pointed to the counter to the left and spoke. “Alright, gather your belongings. Make sure to leave your coat in the coat check.”

He nodded again, gathering his possessions. The woman behind the counter was pretty, with tanned skin. He did his business and left, taking his ticket and depositing it in the coat check. His eagerness to see the blonde reached a boiling a point, on entering the club, with the dance music beating loudly. Many danced to the music and the lighting threw multi-coloured lights onto the floor.

(Original ended here)

He worked his way to the bar, sliding in between different groups of people on the way. His throat pined for a cool drink of Budweiser to take away the dryness. The bartender was growing old, his hair beginning to recede. He ordered the drink and faced the dance floor so that he had a good view. Sure enough, the blonde was there with her friends and she danced with a man that was youthful and full of life in his dancing. He stood near the bar simply watching, letting his thoughts meander not letting the fact that she was with someone else unnerve him.

A woman to the side wearing a black dress with brown hair paid him some heed, he noted out of the corner of his eye. Taking a draught from his drink, he turned to look at her momentarily. She was pretty enough yet she wasn’t the one.

“Alone are you?” she asked as his gaze returned to the blonde.

“No.”

“With the blonde then?” she pressed persistently, noticing his attention was elsewhere.

“Yes, she’s dancing with a friend of mine.” He faced her again for a second, noting that her hair was dry.

She nodded. “Not sure I’d let her dance like that with someone so good looking,” she said leaving.

He watched her leave, not bothered by the comment. He was happy to be rid of her. She’d only served to distract him.

The process of watching continued until the early hours of the morning, as closing time neared. She left and he gathered his belongings, following. The street as he emerged outside was quiet though several drunks lurked. The rain had miraculously ceased. Apart from the odd drunk throwing up or making some noise, there was silence apart from the sounds of his footsteps. He kept his distance all the time, following. The only time he stopped was when the group of women had paused and split, saying goodbye to each other. He had kept to the shadows, unnoticed.

Eventually the trailing reached a climax, with the blonde stopping outside the old steps of her house. He scanned the surroundings noting no one was around. The only light of the area as he approached to illuminate his presence was the flickering of the odd street light. This is perfect. He seized the opportunity, moving forwards rather quickly as the blonde fiddled with her handbag trying to retrieve her keys.

The blonde was never aware of his presence until he was right there, beside her.

****

John groaned, with the sound of the phone ringing in his ears disturbing his slumber. His girlfriend turned restlessly beside him. “It’ll most likely be for you,” she said tiredly opening her eyes briefly.

“Fucking work…” he grumbled, guessing. John let her arm drop to the bed from his chest, sitting up and reached to pick up the phone. “Hello?” He rubbed his eyes with his right hand trying to wake up. His head was pounding and a sickly feeling lingered in his gut.

“Haven’t woke you, have I John? You lazy bastard.”

The voice was instantly recognisable much to his dismay, though his thoughts had been correct. Captain Graham Johnson. He hated the Captain and his work at this moment. “You weren’t the one drinking last night,” he answered forcing the words out knowing what was coming.

“Correct and I don’t give you a day off to get pissed. I need you in work, so you’d better sort yourself out.”

“It’s my day off Cap…”

“I need your arse here. We’re overworked and I have no-one else to handle this case that cropped up,” said the Captain cutting him off. “I’ll give you the briefing when you arrive.”

“Fine,” he conceded giving up any hopes of having the day off.

“Good. I haven’t got all day to wait for you either.”

He was about to respond with a snappy retort until the phone line went dead. “Who the hell does he think he is…” he snapped quietly to himself putting the phone down.

His girlfriend stirred wearily again, wrapping the bed covers around her as she sat up and leaned on the cushion stretching and yawning softly. “You have to leave?”

John didn’t answer straight away. He looked to the alarm clock on the bedside table and saw that the time indicated that it was one in the daytime. He looked over his shoulder. “Yes… I have to Karen. One in the sodding afternoon,” he answered standing and stretching.

“I’ll get you a coffee and some toast,” Karen said groggily leaving the bed and putting her night gown on.

“Thanks. I’ll get a shower.”

Picking up his clothes, gun and badge from the side of the bed, he entered the bathroom and ran the shower water. Stepping in, the water was cold to the touch. He shivered slightly and his skin tingled. The water went from cold to soothing as the initial shivers passed helping to partly cleanse the hangover. Feeling slightly better, he turned the shower off. He dried himself thoroughly and dressed. His clothes weren’t the typical policemen uniform but ordinary instead. The shirt was white, with traces of pale blue stripes. He slipped on denim jeans, dark blue in colour. He tidied his hair before leaving the confines of the bathroom.

The smell of buttered toast was welcome. Karen finished off the coffee. “You’re a star Karen,” he said walking over to her and wrapping his arm around her waist. He kissed her cheek gently. He’d been with her for a few months and he was growing used to having her around. It beat the lonely life he had before. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“You’d be a damned sight messier.”

He chuckled slightly conceding the point, removing his arm from her. “That’s true.” Normally, he wouldn’t have found anything to be amused about but she had cured that aspect of his life as well. He took his time with the coffee yet devoured his toast. “I’d best get going Karen,” he said wiping his mouth.

“Take care of yourself and I hope you won’t be home too late.”

“You and I both,” he nearly swore. “I’ll take care.”

He took the apartment block elevator down to the parking lot and retrieved his car. He drove away, dismayed slightly that the day wasn’t sunny and bright. Bit much to ask for some sun, coming up to winter I guess. He sighed; passing the rain drenched streets and people with umbrellas.

Precinct Eleven was his destination. It wasn’t far from his home and was in fact, nearby. He pulled up in the parking lot outside and exited, locking up. Entering the building, he indeed found that the offices of the station bustled with activity, so it was a small comfort that the Captain hadn’t lied; though the Captain was always known for being honest.

He ignored the odd stares from his work colleagues though he greeted them when they tried to say hello. He just wanted the day over with as quickly as possible so he could get back home. His determined march took him to the Captain’s office in prompt time. He banged on the door and the Captain who was a coloured man with short hair and a black beard, opened in answer.

“Come in.”

He entered hurriedly. “What’s so important you have to call me in on my day off?”

“You look like shit. Sit down,” the Captain responded ignoring the question.

John took a seat, on the opposite side of the Captain at his desk. “Thanks. I’ll take that as a compliment coming from you.” In retrospect though he’d never say it, John thought he still at least looked better than the Captain did.

The Captain rummaged in his desk, producing a file after a few moments with John waiting impatiently. “This is what’s so important.” The Captain tossed the file to John.

John opened the file. It was a typical sight he saw. Nothing overly complicated at least for now. “I see nothing complicated. You couldn’t have put some young rookie on this instead of me? It seems routine and I could have taken over tomorrow when I came in for work.”

The Captain wore a rare smirk. “Liz! Come in!”

John turned wondering if the day could get any worse. A woman came in who was well dressed and closed the door behind her. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me Captain? I don’t have time to work with a rookie and I really don’t want a woman as a partner.”

“I can hold my own thank you very much.”

John looked back to her again from the Captain. “I’m sure you can. No disrespect intended,” he said dryly.

“Do I ever joke?”

“No. You damn well don’t,” retorted John answering the Captain’s question. He would be surprised if the sour faced Captain smiled even once before he died.

“Liz, meet John.” The Captain pointed to Liz, looking at John. “John, meet Liz. Play nice and I'm sure you'll grow to like each other."

John stood and offered to shake Liz’s hand under duress. “I’m absolutely ecstatic to meet you.”

Liz grudgingly shook his hand. “Likewise.”

“Anymore out of you John and I’ll have your badge. That was uncalled for. Am I clear?”

“Crystal,” John snapped turning back to the Captain. “Are we done? I’d like to get back home sometime today where I was supposed to be.”

“Go on, get your arse out of here. I’m sick of the sight of you and your moaning.”

I wouldn’t be moaning if you didn’t call me in on my day off, you old bastard. He gathered the file and left the office, without signalling for Liz to follow him. He couldn’t care either way though she did indeed follow in his shadow.

It wasn’t until they’d reached the parking lot, that he finally noticed Liz for the first time. He paused by the car. “You’re new?”

“New to homicide. You’re the great John Blake?” Liz asked with disdain.

“Yes. People never live up to high expectations. Sorry to disappoint you but you may grow to like me.”

“We’ll see.”

“Just do as I tell you and you’ll be fine Liz. Get in before I drive off.”

He opened the car door and entered along with Liz. "Pass me the file so I can read while we drive?" Liz asked.

"Sure but there isn't much to read." He passed the file to her, putting his foot down on the peddle.

WriterJohnB · 07-03-2007, 12:15 PM

The thrill of the hunt dies with the quarry. Yet, even now I find myself invigorated as the time to find another quarry dawns. The nightlife of Los Angeles was always ripe for whatever needs you needed fulfilling. With this night being one of the better ones for him, it said something. Long queues of people waited outside the many clubs that he passed. Sometimes patiently and other times impatiently to get inside as the eager anticipation to party reached a fever pitch. The night was also something else however, not just a place where you could have your needs fulfilled.

You change from first to second to third person in three sentences and then shift again at the end. It's confusing
Not a complete sentence

Waiting in the pouring rain, his anguish began to build. The one he waited for was late. His purpose was singular, entirely so. He didn’t enjoy standing in the rain and its patter on his raincoat’s hood began to annoy him. With the anguish continuing to build, he licked the water away that dripped down onto his face in preparation. Then it happened. The moment he had been waiting for, studying the crowd intently who queued outside a particular night club across the street. A blonde appeared, stunning and standing out amongst the people as plain as day in the hazy atmosphere of the night that the downpour had created. Her legs were long and she wore a tight mini-skirt allowing her to show them off in all their enticing glory. So alluring they are.

sentence structure - His anguish is waiting, according to this
Not a complete sentence, and moment is studying
Sentence structure again - the water is dripping down in preparation.

It's choppy and hard to read, but that's just a matter of correcting grammar. Look up dangling participle - when a modifier, usually at the start of a sentence, changes the intended meaning of a later phrase, or something to that effect.

You give no hint of the plot, conflict or theme in this brief snippet, so I can't comment on the story itself, but it seems to be shuffling toward something. Maybe you could give us a hint in what you've already posted?

Hope that helps,

JohnB

DavidGil · 07-03-2007, 01:10 PM

Cheers for the comments John. I think most of your points are valid but I'm not too sure about the second sentence with I.

Basically because I'm writing his own thoughts down where it's italicised but that said, if it confuses then I do definately need to rewrite it. I looked up what you suggested as well and think I've cracked it so I'll rework the sentences around that. I know there were quite a few comments, but as long as there wasn't many redundant words in it, then I'm quite happy as that was quite a big problem in the near 3000 word piece I posted. So as long as the words are useful despite grammar being poor, I'm happy.

Regarding where the story is going, I'm not one to plan ahead. I intend to finish this scene and maybe the second one posting it here. The basics of it:

The story opens up with someone that's short of a few screws. He follows the blonde and kills her eventually. Though I don't intend to go into detail of the actual act. Then I pick up afterwards with the story in the police station and then take it from there. Not sure how it will progress from that point onwards but I'm going to try to portray the killer and the cop respectively. I kept the pov character from this snippet nameless for that reason though I could give him some form of nickname maybe. So basically keeping my cards close right now.

It'll be hard like I said but I want to give it a go and besides, its a different sort of thing from fantasy.

Raging_Hopeful · 07-03-2007, 01:28 PM

Predatory attitudes toward women is a VERY overdone approach, so if you're going to use it, you'll have to work hard to hold your audience's attention. There are some issues with sentence structure and grammar which WriterJohn has pointed out...

Is this going to be vampire/werewolf/supernatural being story? Or a serial killer account? Cuz if so, I would choose another introduction, something original and unexpected. So far, you're playing into a typecast that doesn't do your writing justice.

Quote:

So as long as the words are useful despite grammar being poor, I'm happy.

I would hope you would take more pride in your work... "good enough" is never good enough if you hope to craft work worth reading. Strive for excellence in all that you do.

Keep writing and sharing!!

DavidGil · 07-03-2007, 02:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raging_Hopeful

I would hope you would take more pride in your work... "good enough" is never good enough if you hope to craft work worth reading. Strive for excellence in all that you do.

I most likely worded that wrong but what I meant:

I'm still learning to put it simply. I didn't mean I don't take pride or I don't want my work to be as good as it can be but simply that with still learning, if my work has improved with critiques then I'm happy. Redundancy of words basically making the piece longer than it should be has been problematic.

Hopefully that makes sense anyway.

Regarding the question, I'm more leaning towards the serial killer approach but with the way I've started, I think it's pretty open either way. The beginnings/hooks are what I struggle with.

So I'll try to work around falling down the road you mentioned. At least I can say I don't read these kind of things. *grins* Only have the movies to go off.

I'll definately carry on posting as well and will finish off this scene and the next, posting it here.

DavidGil · 07-04-2007, 09:20 AM

Okay, making one last post to say I've finished what I said I'd post. Unless someone makes suggestions, asks questions etc.

So far, I'm really enjoying this piece and the second scene was written quite fast. I'm willing to post the third scene when it's wrote if people want to read it 'but' I know that will be hard to write as I have no idea of how to go about describing crime scenes etc. Besides, you will hardly reach the conclusion of the story with posts here. Hence why I'm inclined to not post more until later in the work.

Regarding where the story is going, I think I've made up my mind:

The plot will be basic I think and cliche like you mentioned Raging, at least at it's basic core. However, I would indeed like to work around that if there are any suggestions.

What I want to focus on isn't hooking the reader with action or tight plotting but rather with the characters. I put a lot into the dialogue for the copper in the second scene or well, tried to make it snappy and bring his personality through in that. So hopefully I've made the copper seem somewhat interesting at the very least right now and I will need to do the same with the baddie. Though I think there'll be quite a bit less dialogue where he's involved.

Also, I think the second scene should be mostly free of grammar mistakes if not entirely. At least I hope so anyways as I thought I did a good job with the writing.

PS: Raging and John, pm me if you ever want me to look at any of your work and I'll gladly do so. Really appreciated the comments. Just in case I don't catch any work you put up.

Edit: Also popped in where the original post ended so its easy to find the next bits. About the dialogue, though I think I've done well with it. I'm not sure if it's correct for America. If not, I'll either change the setting or find out what the differences are in how Americans talk.

Azmakna · 07-04-2007, 08:03 PM

bumped for tomorrow

Azmakna · 07-05-2007, 12:19 PM

[quote]

The thrill of the hunt dies with the quarry. Yet, even now I find myself invigorated as the time to find another quarry dawns. The nightlife of Los Angeles was always ripe for whatever needs people needed fulfilling. With this night being one of the better ones for this, it said something. Long queues of people waited outside the many clubs that he passed. The crowds were both patient and impatient to get inside as the eager anticipation to party reached a fever pitch. The night was also something else however, not just a place where people could have their needs fulfilled.

great opening line! try ending it with 'needs' needs a little clarification. i would does it really matter that pick one or the other, or just they waited.

His anguish grew, waiting in the pouring rain. The one he waited for was late. His purpose was singular, entirely so. He didn’t enjoy standing in the rain and its patter on his raincoat’s hood began to annoy him. With his anguish continuing to build, water dripped down onto his face and he licked it away in preparation. What he waited for happened and the time he spent studying the crowd across the street intently, paid off. A blonde appeared, stunning and standing out amongst the people as plain as day in the hazy atmosphere of the night that the downpour had created. Her legs were long and she wore a tight mini-skirt allowing her to show them off in all their enticing glory. So alluring they are.

lose this. 'building' you are teasing the reader here to anticipate the event that follows, but because it is past tense, it makes the time of the event vague. try a different approach here 'haze' much grander. A car pulled him from his trance while passing him by, nearly engulfing him in a wave of water kicked up from the road as it sped past. He hadn’t realised until now that she was with two other women yet they didn’t hold any form of admiration unlike the blonde did. She was his and the only one for him at this moment of time. He joined the queue, two places back from the blonde.

lose 'nearly'. 'engulfing' is too much here, 'wave too. we have only just seen her. fundamental error here. 'of time' is implicit to moment. (Yeeeee! that was the very first critique i ever had -- 'very' and 'ever' being second and third lol)

The woman disappeared with her friends inside and his turn came to enter after one other person had been allowed entry. The bouncer who greeted him was a heavily built man, as a body builder would be. The bouncer was chewing gum, eyeing him up and down in close scrutiny. He let the coat’s hood fall down his back, showing the bouncer his face. Finally, the bald headed bouncer nodded. “Go on in. You’ll be searched first then pay for the ticket at the counter.”

simplify. you still can't resist stretching some sentences unnecessarily. 'scrutinizing him' it sounds better written 'hood of the coat' i wouldn't give the bouncer as much description. he's bald, broad and chewing gum. is that a stereotype.

He nodded in turn. “I will make sure I do.”

Entering, he caught a brief glimpse of the woman leave in unison with her friends into the club itself. A tall coloured man approached from the corner of his eye. “Empty your pockets.”

what is a glimpse? how big is his eye?!

He did as he was bid; emptying his possessions into a silver tray propped up by a table underneath. His possessions were minimal, a collection of vital everyday things. They were comprised of his wallet, which was black in colour and his keys. The searching began, the coloured man patting him down thoroughly. Once satisfied, the man pointed to the counter to the left and spoke. “Alright, gather your belongings. Make sure to leave your coat in the coat check.”

'on a table'! you have definitely removed stacks of unwanted adjectives and adverbs, but there are still quite a lot of unwanted complications. remember anything that modifies a verb is adverbial and anything that modifies a noun is adjectival. gets complicated, don't it! i struggle with this one myself.

you tell us, then show us.

He nodded again, gathering what little belongings he possessed. The woman behind the counter was pretty, with tanned skin. He did his business and left, taking his ticket and depositing his raincoat in the coat check. His eagerness to see the blonde welled to a boiling point on entering the club proper, with the dance music beating loudly with many dancing to it on the multicoloured dance floor.

you mean the lights threw light onto the dance floor? to be honest i would lose two thirds of the scene above. get me into that club quickly and simply. (/quote)

i'll leave it that for the time being. GOOD NEWS: you have achieved what you set out to do with reducing irrelevant adjectives and adverbs. BAD NEWS: instead of driving you deeper, it has lead to you over examine simple scenes. lol... don't dispair David, it will get worse before it gets better. you know i never comment on story, there are plenty of other posters here who will do that. keep going!!!
hope you still love me after this LOLOLOL

Truth-Teller · 07-05-2007, 12:23 PM

Man, talk about boredom.

I found your piece utterly lackluster and boring, I apologize.

DavidGil · 07-05-2007, 12:39 PM

Az, cheers for the critique and I could never hate you.

I'd made quite a few edits already on the first scene, especially after John posted. Obviously I had hardly caught a lot of the faults. I'm hoping the second scene is better, as I tried to get the copper from A-B in as quick a time as possible. With as little description as needed.

Truth:

At least you live up to your nickname. Thanks for being honest.

However, I can see why it would seem boring. I'm not intending for it to be action and I tried to do something new with it. I guess I over-described the scene and such.

No need to apologise either.

Edit: Always does give me problems the beginning.

I also retract the original statement to Truth. So, if anyone is or was going to respond based on his comments, I wouldn't bother.

DavidGil · 07-07-2007, 09:02 AM

Edit: Many thanks Az for the nitpicks. Glad to hear everything is much tighter.

A brief excerpt from chapter 3, which I'm just starting to work on so I don't expect it to be perfect. However, there's a certain atmosphere I'm trying to create. This is the baddies second pov and I'm trying to start bringing out his character now. So, mainly I'm just wondering about your thoughts regarding it, not taking into account it's very rough right now as I'm sure even if it's rough, you can get the gist of it. I'm trying to write differently with his scenes as well.

The apartment was small and dilapidated. The plastered bare walls and several of the furnishings were covered with the grime of neglect. Clothes were strewn across the floor and flies buzzed around an old pizza box. The windows were covered by thin curtains, flapping in the strong wind.

He sat by a table, in the centre of the room. The gloves were piled neatly together, which lay in stark contrast to the rest of the room. He picked them up and pressed them against his cheek, then smelt them trying to remember the scent of the blonde. He laid them back down in an orderly fashion after a moment, his attention diverted elsewhere. A newspaper was laid in front of him and his hands stroked the photo of the blonde. There was an odd sense of pride filling him though there was also a hint of sadness in his heart. The sadness came from the fact that he’d never be able to look at her face again in the flesh, which was instead relegated to this lifeless photo. The pride came from the deed itself and especially from reading the article.

A name caught his attention in the write-up, John Blake. He pored over the name, memorising what the cop looked like. He remembered reading several articles in the past about the cop’s accomplishments. “I know you,” he said in a husky voice.

He knew instantly this game of cat and mouse would be good and one that he would relish.

Azmakna · 07-07-2007, 12:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DavidGil

A brief excerpt from chapter 3, which I'm just starting to work on so I don't expect it to be perfect. However, there's a certain atmosphere I'm trying to create. This is the baddies second pov and I'm trying to start bringing out his character now. So, mainly I'm just wondering about your thoughts regarding it, not taking into account it's very rough right now as I'm sure even if it's rough, you can get the gist of it. I'm trying to write differently with his scenes as well.

The apartment was small and dilapidated. The plastered bare walls and several of the furnishings were covered with the grime of neglect. Clothes were strewn across the floor carelessly and flies buzzed around an old pizza box. The windows were each covered by thin curtains, flapping in the strong wind.

keep your eye out! strewn suggests careless. lose this

He sat by a table, in the centre of the room. He glanced over to the black gloves in remembrance, which lay in stark contrast to the rest of the room piled neatly together. He picked them up and pressed them against his cheek, then smelt them trying to remember the scent of the blonde. He laid them back down in an orderly fashion after a moment, diverting his attention elsewhere. A newspaper was laid in front of him and his hands stroked the photo of the blonde. There was an odd sense of pride filling him though there was also a hint of sadness in his heart. The sadness came from the fact that he’d never be able to look at her face again in the flesh, which was instead relegated to this lifeless photo. The pride came from the deed itself and especially from reading the article.

is the room itself piled neatly? make this more active. his attention deverted. it's still passive but more active than what you have written.

A name caught his attention in the write-up, John Blake. He pored over the name, memorising what the cop looked like. He remembered reading several articles in the past about the cop’s accomplishments. “I know you,” he said in a husky voice.

He knew instantly this game of cat and mouse would be good and one that he would relish.

that is much tighter... and it still retains your individual voice. well done

~Kouryuu~ · 07-08-2007, 07:55 AM

Quote:

“No buts John. I need your arse here.

I'd lose the 'No buts' bit. 'I need you arse here.' is really brilliant on it's own!

Quote:

“Liz, meet John.” The Captain pointed to Liz, looking at John. “John, meet Liz. Play nice with each other. I’m sure you’ll grow to like each other.”

Repetition of 'each other'. Maybe you could find another way of saying the last line?

Quote:

“Just do as I tell you and you’ll be fine, Liz. Get in before I drive off.”

I liked that! xD Made me laugh!

I think everybody else has summed this up pretty well! :] I enjoyed reading throught it immensely. It's got tonnes of potential. With the 'women hating', as a reader I'd like to know why. Has he had a female partner before? Did she betray him? Is he just sexist in the work place? Was he screwed over by his wife or lover in that past? If it's coming later, I'll keep reading cos that's an interesting part of his character! ^_~

I think your dialogue could use a little 'bump' though. Most of its all good, but some also seem flat. Do you say them out loud in the accent of your character, like me? That helps, if you dont. Oh, another thing, what nationality is John? Has he lived in the city his whole life?

Really like the first bit with that man stalking the blonde woman!! :] Kudos for that!

Very interesting piece, David. I hope there is more! And I hope my comments help! I disagree with Truth. Didnt find this boring at all. I can see it has lots of potential! :]

DavidGil · 07-08-2007, 08:33 AM

Many thanks for the critique Kouryuu.

Glad to hear you liked it also.

The dialogue I'm tad dissapointed about, put most of my effort into making it sharp and such. But I'll see if I can work around it.

Regarding the dialogue accent, I admittedly don't read it out to myself. The only experimentation I've ever done was with sterotypical dwarves in some early fantasy stories:

Where are ye goin'?

If'n ye go down' tha' way, ye'll be dea' fer sure ye bleedin' fool.

I'll cleave yer skull!

Where's me bleedin' drin'?

Thats the limit of my dialogue accents so far I've ever used.

So I'll try the tip, thanks.

Regarding John, I don't ask my characters questions. I just write them down and work it in slowly. In answer though:

Just in the workplace. I'll try to work the reasoning in later.

Edit: Two extra dwarf bits I had/have a fondness for using (though I dont write in fantasy steroetypes anymore): "If I touch the dwarves beard, you owe me some money."

"If ye even try ta touch me bear' boy, I'll axe ye clea' an' good'. Dunnae ye doubt tha'!"

"Just roll dwarf down the hill." "His legs are too short to keep up."

Mainly comic relief I've ever used dwarves for, which is relatively rare in my works. Also no worries about the dialogue bit. I'm happy to have something else to work on

~Kouryuu~ · 07-08-2007, 08:49 AM

Lmao!! xD Loved the dwarf bit!! Haha!!

I am sorry if I disappointed you. WAsn't my intention. It's not bad at all! And not all of it! Just some of it really sounded a bit detatched. Ntohing to worry about greatly!!! :]