biggles

Standing in muck above their knees as the rain poured down, the Erodoes gazed on in anticipation of the sheet race from a distance of at least 500 metres. Half covered by overhanging branches from the Willow trees beyond the fold, Electrodo, the leader of the Erodoes, was sitting slouched over the muddy ridge and smiling widely upon the flat slippery surface he hoped might send him down amongst the throng of supporters eagerly awaiting a finish for the race.
"SET RACE" shouted the caretaker of Ingelara creek- "set , GO!" and with a torrent of whispers and innuendo the race startled forward.
Electrodo cheated his way ahead by spreading his wide body over the arms of his two lieutenants and with a slow steady grunt as if he had some uncomfortable wind to pass, he flattened himself to an easy lead. A great wake of mud sloshed into the faces of Derodo and Spirodo, leaving the two lieutenants grimacing under furrowed brows and spinning out of control down the slippery slope after Electrodo and just in front of the others in the race. The crowd stretched their lumpy heads forward and cheered loudly and chortled as the rain pelted down on the mud creeping up to their swollen bellies.

Charlie_Eleanor

See if you can make sense of this?

Well, the first thing I think when I see this is "Please, oh please, go space it out into paragraphs."

I think that would help it make since. I don't mean to be rude, it would just be easier to read.

.................................................

It is okay. I would reread and rewrite. Would this make since to you? I can understand what your words mean, but there is a since of run-on and excessive information and description. Sometimes less is more.

You have a good place to start, so have fun!

Well Done.

__________________

Dan

Asking whether or not something makes "sense" is entirely too vague, especially when given such a small sample. I understand what you're saying in the passage, so I guess it makes sense in that, uh, sense. Care to be more specific regarding what you're looking for?

By the way, thanks for proving my point that "writing what you know" is pure BS (unless you're a member of the Erodoes or friends with Electrodo, in which case I wholeheartedly apologize).

__________________
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biggles

It's not only what I know, it's what I live- out in the Australian bush and these fictional characters represent the eroded gullies which have become more and more prevalent in our environment as well as the drought conditions
making matters worse.

Ethan IV

It wasn't that easy to read, and just seemed odd IMO. Not odd in an intriguing way that interests me, but just plain odd.

MiloDaePesdan

H'lo biggles.

There's a problem with the flow. The larger sentences tend to run on and, if I were to read this aloud, I'd run out of breath. Break them up.

I.e.

----
Standing in muck above their knees as the rain poured down, the Erodoes gazed on in anticipation of the sheet race from a distance of at least 500 metres. Half covered by overhanging branches from the Willow trees beyond the fold, Electrodo, the leader of the Erodoes, was sitting slouched over a muddy ridge. He smiled widely upon the flat slippery surface he hoped might send him down amongst the throng of supporters eagerly awaiting a finish for the race.
-----
You gave enough cues for me to picture this. Because of the omniscient POV you did a headjump between sentence one and two, and that jarred me. IMO you should just focus on Electrodo's perspective.

About that 'write what you know' you've been expounding around here. You're arguing for firsthand experience versus theoretical imaginings. I agree, because it does enrich a person's writing. It gives a sense as if the author had been there and done that in the story. Not an easy thing to do going the research route.

But, done well, there's nothing wrong with imagination.



Milo

__________________

biggles

Yes, the timing is wrong and the delivery is strange and tedious.
The story which has 7 chapters in all and almost complete will
need to be trashed but that will probably be the best decision
in order to get it right.

Dan

Oh, so you know of and live amongst these mythical characters and tribes? No. That's like saying I'd know about the undead if I lived next to the cemetery. You're using a setting that you're familiar with (and is important to you) to tell a fictional story. Bear in mind, there's nothing wrong with that. You're taking a kernel of an idea and running with it.

This is exactly why "write what you know" is such bad advice. If you were to write only what you know of this subject, it would be a non-fiction account of your personal experiences in these gullies.

But what do I know? I just write common stuff.

__________________
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Charlie_Eleanor

Biggles:

there is no need to 'trash' the story.' You have just come to the really hard part of writing, editing. There is potential in the story, but no matter how good the writer is there will always be room for improvement.

__________________

biggles

I'm not going to trash it altogether but I am going to rewrite it.
This is the third chapter and the only one I haven't completely given up on:

Chapter 3: Victory Party

The sky was purple orange and the full moon faced forward as a massive and transfixing presence in the east. A large flock of birds could be heard circling in a swimming cyclic motion, coming and then going for what seemed many minutes between the surrounding silence above. Down in the gully, the firelight glowed from behind the twisted barbed wire, woven in and around an old red ute lying on it's side. A seat made of piled rusted corrugated iron and dead animal bones was constructed over the old wreck. Gunshots echoed in the distance and the night air seemed lifted up, vibrantly moist and clear.

Electrodo with help from his lieutenants clambered up the pile of rubbish that was his throne and without noticing Eleceda, let out a noisy belch that echoed down into the gully signaling the commencement of celebrations. The erodoes picked up what bits of scrap metal they could find to clang together above their heads as they twisted and stretched their lumpy bodies toward the music of the night.

Eleceda hung in the shadows below and behind her father's throne. There for a while, since recovering from the race, she inspected long bottles containing amber liquid which had been haphazardly thrown, some empty and some not, down the southern end of the gully. One by one she checked them for their contents tipping what was there over her head. By the time everyone had assembled, she had drenched herself with so much liquid her neck
became soggy, her brain foggy and her step very wobbly. Noticing the clan approach she clumsily hid the bottles in rabbit holes built along the gully wall.
Letting out a long sigh Eleceda proceeded, as best she could, towards the growing party crowd.

Truth-Teller

This makes...

absolutely NO sense.

biggles

Can you be specific or is every sentence a puzzle?

Synopsis prob won't help either

‘Erodoes and The Rillo-wisp’ is a fantasy tale about invaders of the Australian Bush.

The Erodoes are sludge like creatures who live in the eroded gullies on farms around Southern New South Wales, Australia. Their enslaved clan, the Rillo-wisp, are mutated feral inhabitants used as beacons by the ruling clan to further depredate the land.

The environment continues to strive for balance as the ruling and enslaved clans secretly battle against the odds. It would take a very evolved and brave Rillo-wisp to break free of the gully masters and use special powers to help reverse the effects of a co-destructive existence.

While it appears neither clan can exist without the other, only their surroundings and what lies beyond can decide a more or less likely outcome.

Truth-Teller

I do not understand what the hell the point of the story is?

What is the point?

Truth-Teller

Why don't you write like this, next time?

Tell us the story, don't preach.

And get to the point.

biggles

That is a synopsis- you were reading excerpts, that's why. I wasn't preaching. Get to what point?