Color of Twlilight - Writers Forum

tailchaser · 05-24-2007, 06:57 AM

ok then, if you bother to read this really long thing, i would appreciate it if you bothered to critique it. and dont say, Its good, I like it, because that dosent do me or you any good. when you post, tell me what was good and what was bad. by the time everyone who reads this finishes with my story, i want this thing ripped to shreds. apathy is your best friend in my threads.

(1) page

Prologue

No one born within the month of darkness could possibly live for the Darkness takes who the darkness wants, and Tiasai belongs to the Darkness. ~~Lord Ezeraz

Thought crystal

Date: Sacreden 119th – Tiasai 3rd, 2998

My dreams are now haunted with them, their room, their words…its all I know anymore. Sometimes I dream of my life before the soldiers came. I see the sunlight and smell the sweet blossoming flowers. The stream plays about in its bed creating a beautiful melody that lulls me gently to sleep.

I wake, in the dream, to the sight of the burning forest, the screams of my family and friends. The river runs with the blood of hundreds and smoke fills the air. Terror…that is all I feel…terror of not knowing what has happened, terror of not knowing why, terror because of the strange iron clad people standing before me…

It is several moments before I realize I’m awake, and a few more to realize I’m still alive. I’m not sure what is worse. To be awake is to suffer from chains that bind, whips that cut, the liquid and iron that burns, the tests that leave me in so much pain that I can not sleep, and questions that have no end. And yet to be alive is to be in constant fear of them and to wonder when they will come for me again.

The familiar thoughts fill my head; the wish to die, the wish to live, the wondering of what they want from me, and the hope that they may be kind enough today to bring food.

The final question is answered as the ironclad door swing open and a sentinel brings in a tray with food on it. He sets it down and leaves. I stare, open mouthed, at the amount of food they have given me. I cautiously smell the food, attempting to detect some kind of poison, but the delectable sent of garlic bread, fresh cantaloupe, crispy bacon, and other assorted foods is all that fills my nose.

I think, perhaps this is something that can’t be smelled or tasted. Perhaps they wish for me to suffer more. But even as I push the tray away, I begin to have second thoughts. It has been several days since I had eaten and the desire for food was stronger than ever.

I tentatively taste it and it’s perfect. It seems that they have decided to show some kindness to me after all. I am surprised day after day as this continues. They bring delicious meals to me three times a day and have even moved me to a more comfortable room. But I know the true…my end is upon me.

They bring me from my room for the first time in two weeks. I am carried in an iron chest where there is barely enough room to lie down in. The sound of horse’s hooves and the creaking wheels is all I hear.

Finally it comes to an end and the lid is opened. A guard lifts me out of the chest and carries me to a dais. All around are priests cloaked in black and silver. A rhythmic chant emanates from everywhere it seems.

They lay me on the dais, and a ceremony begins. I finally understand what their question meant. I finely know what they wanted from me.

So the stories where true…the darkness is alive…and the darkness is me

But I do not resist my fate. Let them have their darkness, at least this way I can escape from the world and forget all that has come.

However…some have said that the darkness still thinks, still has a will of its own…maybe…maybe I can…be free…at…last…

They will know my name…

tailchaser · 05-24-2007, 06:59 AM

(5) pages

I

It once was a grand city…

Valeion was no stranger to death, in his seventeen years of service to Lord Ezeraz he had grown accustom to it. But in all that time, he had never laid eyes on such a spectacle of devastation.

He stood quietly for a moment surveying the landscape as a gentle rain fell upon him. Metal rods protruded from bizarre chunks of ashen grey rocks lay strewn about the streets and within the buildings. Glass, a rare commodity in his land, lay strew about the city like so many jagged pebbles strew about an endless beach of steel and stone. Many buildings had been burned or demolished in the war that had ended the city’s glory days, but some still stood giving tantalizing hints as to how the people once lived. A few strange metal polls still stood with arms reaching out over the street, for what purpose Valeion could not guess. Towers of steel stood as silent sentinels over the carnage, the lone survivors who gave testimony to a once wondrous civilization. The city was desolate, but in a peaceful sort of way, as if it had accepted its fate and was content to watch time come and consume it little by little.

“Archon, where have you sent me?” Valeion whispered quietly.

“This place, Neophyte, is where I will be sending you on your mission,” replied the Archon telepathically, “This simulation is to help you understand their world better.”

“It seems so…dead.”

“That’s because it is,” the Archon replied dryly, “Now be off on your mission.”

Valeion sighed deeply and started walking in the general direction of what he decided to be Left. He made his way carefully through the ruined street stepping over strew pipes and stone and through the shattered glass.

Turning into an ally he saw an odd structure about as tall as himself made entirely of steel plates. He crept up cautiously, inspecting the windows that still had remnants of glass in them. There were seats inside of it and the one on the right hand side had an odd wheel-like device in front of it. It’s bizarre, he though as he examined what seemed to be leather on the seats, with how rich and powerful this country must have been, you would think they could protect themselves.

He backed away from the thing and kept walking towards the next street. This one had many buildings packed close together, each about the same height and width, but created with completely different styles giving it an overall feeling of comfort. Here the street was more intact, its buildings mostly unharmed, whereas the previous one looked like an earth-wyrm had had a conniption fit and decided to lay waste to everything in the general direction of Forth.

Valeion bent his head forth and jerked back in an effort to remove his long white hair from his eyes. As his head came up, he spotted a solitary bird sitting upon the windowsill of the most damaged building. Standing there staring at the bird, he reflected on what the Archon had said before he left: There will not be a living thing in that place except for the girl. Once you find her, however, you will have to defend her.

Is it possible, Valeion though with concern, that the Archon was only talking about people?

“Archon, can you respond?”

Valeion waited for a response, but none came. He walked forward apprehensively, darting glances from side to side, and all the while the bird remained still and glared at him. Valeion carefully crouched down to pick up a stone, all the while staring at the bird. It suddenly dawned on him that the bird was fake, probably made of porcelain. He shook his head and threw the rock at it anyways.

Lightning erupted from the sky and the deafening explosion of thunder rent the air and the stone blew the bird apart. Valeion, startled by the explosion, leapt into the air and made a mad dash for the doorway. He bounded through it and barricaded himself behind what seemed to be a bar table. It took him several moments to realize how foolish he had been to run like a scared kitten from the thunder.

Laughing quietly, he rose and examined the inside. The back wall was completely gone and a stream of muddy water made its way through the room and out into the street beyond. Overturned tables and chairs lay in pieces on the floor and a mountain of shattered glass enveloped part of the bar against the wall. A picture of a naked woman lying on a sofa was the only thing that had been left completely intact, though it seemed that time would claim it for itself.

Another flash of lightning illuminated a staircase against the far wall. Valeion began to ascend cautiously trying not to break the weak steps. Near the top his foot slipped on the slimy step and he fell headlong into the room.

Raising his head he looked down a dark hallway with doors on either side. A repulsive smell of decaying bodies lay thick in the air bringing about a wave of nausea. This wasn’t some simulation, he was in hell. He had died in his sleep and was in hell.

“Archon, can you respond!” Valeion shouted as he stood up. He waited for a tense minute for a response, but none came.

He covered his mouth with one hand and drew his sword. He walked slowly up to the first door and hesitated for a moment, then kicked it in. The old wood blew apart as if a bolder had been thrown at it. What he saw inside nearly made him vomit.

There will not be a living thing in that place…except for the girl…

There was never a time that Valeion could recall in which he had seen such carnage before. Body parts lay everywhere. Some hung from the ceiling, were impaled by board and glass, and some were twisted into grotesque shapes; a ring of arms with hands grasping bloody ends, legs delicately balanced to form a three dimensional star, and still other parts piled together to make a bizarre and horrid monster-like figure.

Valeion stumbled back in horror at what he saw. Images of a burning town floated to the surface of his mind. The sight of his mother being sliced open in front of him, his father trying to defend him and being murdered, the house on fire, the cat being whipped-

“NO!” he shouted clutching at his head as if in pain. He ran blindly down the stairs as much as to get away from the room as from his own mind.

He missed a step and groped blindly for the railing, which came away in his hands. He fell down the remaining steps and hit his head on an upturned table top. As darkness began to overtake him, he was vaguely aware of a slight pain in his left arm.

Just as he slipped into unconsciousness, he saw a girl kneeling next to him. Her voice called to him…wake up…please, wake up. The dim light, gentle sound of rain, and the girl, all faded into nothing.

His vision faded in and out as he opened his eyes. Surrounded by darkness, all he could tell was that he was in another building now and that the rain was still falling.. He blinked and now he was staring out a window into an overcast sky. A ruined tower top could just be seen from his view point. His eyes grew heavy again and he closed them for only what he thought was only a brief moment, but when they opened once more, he was surrounded by the darkness of night again.

Slowly he raised his body into a sitting position. Dizziness threatened to overtake him as he painfully clambered to his feet. He stumbled to the window, almost falling several times, and looked out onto the city that was now lit by millions of stars.

A quite groan punctured the silence making him jump. He whipped around ready for a rotten corpse to come staggering into the room, wildly flailing its arms about trying to get at him…but it was only the girl turning over in her sleep.

He chuckled at his foolishness, surly the Archon would never face him against those creatures. Still he did wonder why the Archon had not taken him out of the simulation yet, and why he hadn’t responded to Valeion’s call.

“Archon, can you respond?” Valeion asked in a whisper so the girl wouldn’t wake. He waited for several moments hopping that he would hear his master’s familiar voice, but all that came to him was the gentle night breeze.

Quietly, he stepped away from the window and walked to where the girl slept. Her long, auburn hair fanned out on the bed beneath her giving her a sort of surreal appearance. The calmness that played about her face seemed to mask a fathomless sorrow. Valeion assumed that she was the last survivor of this city and had witnessed all the horrors that had transpired here.

The girl stirred in her sleep, and Valeion watched a single tear fall from her eye. Not even in sleep can she rest, he thought sadly. It pained him greatly to see this fragile little girl being consumed by nightmares he knew must be unbearable. He walked over to where he had been sleeping and pulled the blanket off, then went over and laid it over the girl. A few moments past as he watched her, then a slight smile crossed her face and she stirred a little, drawing the blanket close about her.

I wonder just what this girl had gone through, he thought as he walked back to the window, just looking at this place; it makes a person wonder just what kind of darkness would have wrought such destruction.

Darkness; the word brought forth a shudder. Darkness was used to describe something that people didn’t understand. It was the strange power that could be used to create or destroy things at will, the creatures that roamed the night and struck terror into the hearts of men with a single look of their yellow eyes, the country of Espur from which the dread empire ruled, and even the old crone down the road that wandered the streets muttering to herself. Yes, all of these where darkness…but Valeion was plagued by a special darkness that most called guilt. But for him, it was far more than just that.

The sound of the girl moving again brought him back to his senses. A small groan escaped the girl as she sat up in the bed, clutching at the blanket with one hand and rubbing a sleepy eye with the other. She looked at him for a moment as if not comprehending what she saw, and then she gasped and leapt from the bed.

“You’re awake! Oh my gosh, I didn’t think you were going to wake up at all!” She spoke in way that Valeion had never heard, using many words to describe something so small. She went on talking animatedly of how he had been asleep for two days, and how she had worried if he would make it through another day, and other things of that sort. But even though her language was strange, he found it rather pleasant to hear, sort of like crystals being blown together by a gentle breeze.

She calmed for a moment and he noticed that even within this dank, dark, sinister place, her smile lit up the room. He felt different around her somehow in a way he couldn’t describe. He thought at first that he might be at calm, but it didn’t seem to be the right word.

“Hey, did you hear me?”

The question brought him back to the room, “Uh, no. Sorry. My mind was astray.”

She laughed, “Alright then. So what’s your name?”

“Valeion,” he said, smiling. The question seemed odd to him, not because of what she asked, but how she asked. It should be ‘Can you state your name’. I know that the Archon doesn’t speak like that, so how does she?

“Mine is…” she faltered for a moment. The joyful smile that had brought the room to life was now replaced by a look of sorrow so profound that Valeion almost expected the rain to fall again.

“What’s bothering you?” Valeion asked the girl. The strange feeling inside changed to one of sadness, and yet unlike any sadness he had ever felt.

The girl was silent for a long moment, eyes downcast. The she whispered, “I…can’t remember it.”

She walked back to the bed and sat down, her face displaying confusion and sorrow. Valeion remembered someone once saying to him, “A person without their name might as well be dust in the wind.” But that had been advice for him when he went on his first mission into Espur. He had never imagined it like this. A glanced out the window again at the desolate city, perhaps that’s all she really is anymore…just dust in the wind.

“Well then, do you remember any names at all?” he asked gently, walking to the bed to sit next to her.

She didn’t say anything for a long moment, just continued looking at the floor. But then her face brightened, “Aries,” she said smiling, “I don’t remember where I heard that name, but it’s familiar.”

“Then we shall call you Aries,” he said with a laugh, and Aries’s smile brought a leaping sense of joy to his heart. But the joy was slightly dampened when he remember that this girl did not, in fact, exist.

Now he stood atop the building, gazing out across the ruins. He had discovered there were hundreds of house-like places just like the one he had woken up in inside this tower. Some had 3 to five rooms, and others where just single rooms. Back home he had often seen many houses crammed together on a single square, but this was rather ridicules; why would people live in houses that were on top of other houses?

But that question was ignored in favor of more important question such as why the Archon still hadn’t contacted him. Every few minutes Valeion called out to the Archon, but without any faith that he would get a response.

Something had gone wrong, that much was obvious. This was supposed to get him ready for his mission. There wasn’t supposed to be any dead bodies lying about in building and on the streets, and once he found the girl there was supposed to be a small army that would show up and oppose him. The whole idea had been tactics, but now all that had somehow screwed up.

“Valeion…respond…valie…spond,” the fuzzy incomplete words jolted Valeion out of his thoughts and he instantly responded.

“Archon! I respond. What’s happening?”

“Cant…well…get out…Valeion…and run.” The words were barely audible, but Valeion heard the fear in the Archon’s voice. It was impossible for him to leave the simulation unless he completed the simulation or the Archon brought him back. But since the Archon could barely communicate, that probably wouldn’t happen. And then there was the fact that his mind was literally inside the darkness.

Most people of his world thought the darkness was composed of emotional energies and did not have a will of its own. But there were the few people who had come face to face with the darkness and knew its terrible power, and of those few, only four in history had come back to tell the tale, two had survived more than a month afterwards, and only one of those had not gone insane.

Valeion was that one, and the darkness would not let him live a second time.

tailchaser · 05-24-2007, 07:04 AM

8 pages

II

The Rogue of the Darkness

Valeion dashed blindly down the stairs, his heart racing. The hallways began to grow dark, but this time the shadows seemed to be alive. As he ran he saw what little light there had been disappear as large black clouds covered the sky. He ran down a dozen or so floors before he got back to the room they had been staying in.

Aries was lying on her bed, just as he had left her. The sound of rain entered into the room, invading his senses with its monotonous humming.

Quietly he shut the door and walked over to the sleeping girl. He hesitated a moment, wondering if he should really wake her, but fear nagged at him mind. Just as he went to touch her, lightning flashed, and something strange happen to her. Parts of her skin were illuminated by the flash, but a strange pattern of swirls that covered her arm and face, were not.

Valeion stood for a moment then lowered his hand tentatively. He willed a ball of light into existence and stared in slight horror and confusion for a long while at the girl.

The steady light revealed the strange markings again. At first, it simply looked like normal skin without light shining on it…and the rest with light. But slowly, the skin turned darker. Swirls of black began to spread all along her left arm and face. Valeion staggered back letting the ball hang over her and the Tendrils of Darkness continued to form.

Aries stirred from sleep and sat up. She blinked a few times before she realized that she was staring right into the ball of light. Then she screamed and scrambled away from the light. Valeion’s will died and the light went out. The girl stood shaking, teas streaming down her face. Valeion could see that her left arm and half her face now had the swirling black marks on them.

He stood for a moment, unsure of what to do. But then the girl made up his mind for him. She ran past him and into the hallway.

“Wait!” he called after her. He chased her down the hallway, but she was fast. By the time he got to the ground floor, she was no where to be seen.

“Aries! ARIES!” he called her name again and again, but no response ever came.

The searched all around the ruined building, but all he found was the same broken emptiness. He wandered the streets in a daze for a while, wondering why she had run, what those marks were from, and where she was now.

Looking around, he suddenly noticed that the buildings were normal size now, and there was less destruction here. He glanced back at the core of the ruined city, the dark clouds giving it the appearance of many tall old men cast into shadows.

He sat down for a moment wondering about the city. The only truly unpleasant thing, and he shuddered as he thought of it, were the bodies in that room. But overall, it was beautiful in a sad way. Everything was dead here, but it was content in being so. Valeion lay down in the middle of the road and let the rain fall onto his face.

The world around began to grow quite. He hurriedly got to his feet when he noticed that the rain wasn’t making a sound. He jumped into a puddle hard, felt and saw the water explode around his feet, but there was no sound.

Felling a strange presence behind him, he turned. It was as if his memories had come to life before him. The Darkness reached across the sky in the same swirling pattern, consuming the light.

Now the Archon’s warning was clear to him, and now it was too late. The girl was gone…or is she?

The voice was not his and Valeion did the only thing he could think of; he ran.

Strange echoes began to sound thorough the city while everything else remained silent. The Darkness consumed the sky, but everything seemed to be lit from an inner glow. It had consumed the entire city in utter darkness and he saw strange symbols in purple light etched into the seemingly infinite darkness.

The rain was gone now and sound returned, but there was no wind, no temperature that he could tell…nothing. He called again for the girl telling her to come to him, but she was nowhere to be found. The world had gone insane around him, and he was lost forever inside of it.

“Turn,” said a deep melodic voice behind him. Valeion stopped and turned slowly, fearful of what he would see. There stood an iron golem about his size; crimson eyes glowed behind the steel mask. “So you dared to come after the Lady again, did you?”

Again? What does he mean? Valeion could only assume that this golem was talking about Aries, but why?

“I don’t know you.” He said carefully.

The eyes flashed purple for a moment, “Is that so? I distinctly remember you and I remember what you did. But it doesn’t matter, you won’t escape from me again,” he suddenly reached for Valeion and jerked him off the ground. Valeion hung limply from the golem’s huge hands, staring straight into its burning eyes.

“You won’t even struggle? How pathetic,” Valeion was thrown into the side of a building. The wall fell apart as if a bolder had just been thrown at it. He lay there for a while watching the golem move on into the city. As he tried to sit up, his eyes started moving involuntarily to one side, back to the center, and move again. The world spun, and he fell away once more into darkness.

“Twice now I’ve passed out,” he muttered as he stepped out of the ruined house, “That’s something I just don’t do.” His still felt weak and dizzy, but he had to find the girl now more than ever. What did it matter that she had the markings of the Darkness on her, she needed help and he would find her.

He scanned the area around him. The center of the city was ablaze in brilliant white fire, buildings around him were smashed to pieces, and little remained of the great tower where he had woken up in that morning.

There were only 5 sections of buildings between him and the fire, and it was spreading fast. She was either captured, killed, or she escaped, Valeion thought, but it doesn’t matter now…I failed…there no way to find her –

His thoughts were cut short as eight very large, very angry lizard-like beings came running out of the ally. One turned its head, saw Valeion, and didn’t even pause before changing course.

“Dies it would! Dies it would!” the beasts shrieked as the lunged for him. He rolled into a side ally and ran. Around him buildings began to crumble as the beasts chased him. The darkness above him turned crimson and when he emerged onto a street, a column of flame erupted from inside a building, incinerating it in seconds.

He looked around him and saw that he was trapped by the creatures on all possible sides. The sky now burned with an inner fire, and the buildings all around were cloaked in white flame. The ground shook and cracked forcing Valeion to his knees.

“Did you think I would just leave you like that,” the deep voice of the golem sounded as if it were all around Valeion, “No…no, I have better things for you.”

Valeion stared up into the eyes of the golem, knowing that he would die in this place. The archon would not be here to save him this time.

“Now then, let’s see what you have to offer,” the golem reached out and placed his hand on Valeion’s head and darkness invaded his mind.

Sunlight…pure, warm, sunlight. Valeion sat high on a hill gazing out at the distant mountains. The sound of someone’s heavy breathing brought him back from his dreams. He turned to his sister Seidia clambering up the hill, her face shining with sweat from the long climb.

“Vale, mother wants you home,” she gasped as she stood over him, hands on her knees, “I’ve been searching for you all afternoon, so you better listen to me this time!”

“Oh calm down. I’ll get to it when I get to it,” Valeion said waving his sister away impatiently, “Besides; it’s to hot out to help in the garden. And besides, what else do you have to do all afternoon?”

“Why you little brat!” she said hotly, “For your information I have a lot of things I could have done, but oh no! You just have to go and waste my time don’t you!”

The image flickered a moment and was gone. Valeion felt his head turning from side to side, but there was only blackness.

So this is how the day started? How amusing, said the golems voice in his head. Your pathetic town was destroyed on such a normal day! The golems laughter filled his ears, and Valeion wanted nothing more than to kill the golem.

Those memories are mine!

Ha, ha, ha…you only wish they where yours. But if you remember…their mine to…

“Well I’m not really wasting your time. You’re wasting your own time,” Valeion rolled away as his sister tried to kick him.

Laughing, the two of them raced each other down the hill, each trying to trip the other. Finally they collapsed in a heap gasping for air at the bottom of the hill.

Then their mother came out looking at them disapprovingly, “So you thought you would skip out on chores did you? Well you have another thing coming.”

Valeion shook his head as he stood and brushed himself off, “Mother surly you can understand, I’m only twelve years of age and I have to play sometime in my life. If you had your way I wouldn’t have left this yard until you where dead and nothing but bones in the earth.”

She looked at him sternly for a moment than laughed. He never did take things seriously, but that was probably the best thing about him.

Dam you…leave it alone…

What’s wrong Vale, said the golem in a mocking tone, don’t you like to see your family again? A deep grumbling laugh resounded throughout his mind, Well then, shall we go forward a ways?

The sound of crickets and the warm night air kept Valeion awake that night. He tossed about restlessly as dreams invaded his waking mind. He had half-dreamed before, the name he gave the experience of ones mind dreaming while still awake, and it was always a miserable experience. No mater how tired he was, he could not fall into peaceful sleep.

Finally he couldn’t take the torment of his dreams anymore and quietly walked outside to get some cold water from the well.

It took him several moments after his drink to realize that the crickets where quiet. He glanced about nervously wondering what had made the dam things so quiet. An owl called out into the night making Valeion jump in surprise. He turned his head to look into the oak tree and saw a star go out. A moment later two more went out.

An odd humming sound reached his ears and send shivers down his spine. Then a terrifying scream came from inside his house. Valeion sprinted for the house.

The door swung open just as he reached it. There in his path stood the golem.

The memory became fuzzy then snapped back into focus.

“I am the Rogue of the Darkness. I own this land and all that is in it.”

Valeion found that he could speak now; it was not longer a memory, but a conversation.

“Did you destroy the city?” he asked furiously.

“Of course! Who else could bring about such wonderful destruction?”

Valeion tried to force himself to move, to launch himself at the Rogue, but all was frozen in time. As they stared into each others eyes the world became dark and disappeared. Valeion felt nothing but hatred towards this thing. It was the Rogue who destroyed this town and everyone’s lives in it. It was the Rogue who had probably taken the bodies of the people, out of boredom, and destroyed them to create those sick designs in that house.

“You will die…I will find a way…”

The golem laughed at Valeion as he disappeared, “I'm sure you will find a way.”

tailchaser · 05-24-2007, 07:07 AM

The gentle sound of rain filled his ears. All around him was the ruined city once again, but now all the demons were gone and the sky was devoid of darkness. He stood and shook himself, wondering just what was happening. He turned around to look once more at the towering ruins and found himself staring straight into the eyes of a young boy. He stumbled backwards in shock.

“Who are you?” Valeion asked in surprise. The boy was only about five and a half feet tall and had sandy blond hair that waved about his face in an un-natural way.

The boy smiled and pointed to his left. Valeion looked and saw the now empty shell of the golem. The golem was a mere child? He thought incredulously, how could this kid do something like this…

“Well at least you understand that much,” the Rogue scoffed, “Now then, my minions have left us alone…I think we should play a little game,” the boy laughed as he sat down on a slanting piece of stone.

He relaxed for a moment and closed his eyes. Valeion was about to draw his sword when the boys eyes snapped open, “Right then, you have two hours to find the Darkness. I, of course, will be hunting you. Once you have her, you must kill her to win.”

“But that’s not what I’m here for,” Valeion growled at the boy and tightened his grip on his sword.

The boy looked at him in confusion, “Your not here to kill her? Then what would you do? Make her suffer? Starve her? Put her on display?” then with a sly smile, the Rogue added, “Force her to have—”

“Enough!” Valeion roared at the Rogue, “You will be the only one to suffer here!” He launched himself at the boy, sword drawn. But the boy simply vanished as he reached him.

“That’s not very sportsmanlike now is it?” said the boy from a rooftop behind Valeion.

“Sportsmanlike? What the hell is that supposed to mean?” he said in a growling voice, but the Rogue shook his head and disappeared without a word.

Valeion cursed and wondered how he was supposed to find the girl. Now that he knew she was alive he was more determined than ever to save her.

An hour had passed and he hadn’t seen any sign of Aries or the Rogue. He was desperate now, feeling sure that something terrible would happen if he didn’t find her. The darkness was beginning to loose its purple symbols and patches were turning grey. He figured once the Darkness was gone, so would the girl.

He heard a moaning sound coming from his right. He looked down a darkened ally way as saw a figure strapped to a board. Valeion rushed down the ally and saw that it was Aries, her cloths in torn and her hair mostly cut off. There were several gashes in her side and one on her leg. Valeion found it surprising that she was still alive.

She tried to raise her head to look at him, but he stayed her with a gentle touch. Quickly he untied her and she fell limply into his arms.

"You are strange Vale," came the cool voice of the Rogue, "I could have sworn that you had vowed revenge on the Darkness, have you changed your mind?"

"This girl has nothing to do with that," he said without turning around, focusing on lifting the girl without injuring her further. He noticed that the marks had left her, but at the edges of the wounds something dark stirred, which he did his best to ignore.

“You do know that this time,” the boy said, “I will kill you.”

Valeion stopped for a moment and turned to look at the sandy haired boy; though at first glance one would never think of this boy as being evil, his eyes where cold and mocking.

“Why do you wish for my death,” Valeion said glaring at the Rogue, “What will that do for you? All I want is to help this girl, is there something wrong with that?”

The boy was quite for a moment as he surveyed Valeion holding the girl in his arms. Finally he looked up at the fading darkness and said, “You know who that girl is, don’t you? She is the Darkness, and I am her keeper.”

There was silence for a moment. Valeion sighed and whispered, “This girl was kind to me. She helped me when I fell down some stairs and didn’t wake up for several days. I owe this girl my life,” he stood with the girl in his arms and looked at the Rogue defiantly, “So it doesn’t matter what she is, and I shall protect her with all the strength I have!”

The Rogue shook his head and sighed, “As you wish.”

The boy disappeared for a moment, and then Valeion heard the crashing of the golem approaching them. He sprinted for the exit of the ally trying not to hurt the girl. As he emerged he had to duck as a huge iron arm swung for his face. He ran as fast as he could, but the golem was gaining.

“What’s wrong Vale, are you afraid?” The golem laughed as Valeion stumbled and almost dropped Aries.

He saw what looked like a ruined church to his left and dashed inside. The golem stopped outside and waited until Valeion had reached the far end of the chapel. The golem opened up and the boy jumped out. He took one slow step into the church, and then another. Looking down, Valeion saw that the wounds had almost healed. He knew that nothing on his world could heal something like bad, that quickly.

He had to accept it now; the girl was the darkness. He set her gently down on the floor, drew his sword, and advanced cautiously towards the Rogue.

Don’t kill him, Valeion jumped. That voice was the same one he had heard when he was looking for Aries. But he had more important things to think about.

“You are no match for me,” the Rogue said calmly, “I just don’t understand humans. They take on challenges that they can’t win, they protect people even when they don’t know them, they are foolish,” he spat as he said these last words, “How do you live with yourselves, honestly.”

“And you are too sure of yourself,” Valeion retorted.

“Oh yeah, well you don’t understand sarcasm,” replied the Rogue with a smirk.

Valeion looked at him quizzically, not comprehending the strange word or the tone in his voice. But he did not he did not have time to wonder for the Rogue had jumped into the air and landed on one of the beams that spanned the ceiling. Somehow he flipped so he was standing on the beam up side down.

“The wonderful thing about me, is that I'm the only me,” the Rogue said as he launched himself headfirst at Valeion.

Valeion dodged the attack and swung his sword at the descending boy. The blow sliced him in half, but did not slow the assault. The two parts slammed into the floor and wooden boards splintered and flew into the air. The parts lay quietly for a moment in their craters, but then they started to squirm towards each other. Valeion watched, horrified, as the pieces merged and became the boy once more.

“Is that all? Well now you know don’t you…I can not be killed by the likes of you,” there was cold anger burning in the boys eyes. He reached behind him and pulled a sword hilt. A silver blade materialized from nowhere and the boy smiled at Valeion with cold hatred, “However that did hurt.”

The Rogue moved with such speed that Valeion had trouble defending himself as he was forced back towards Aries.

“What’s wrong?” the Rogue taunted, “Not as good as you though then?”

The Rogue disappeared suddenly and Valeion swung at nothing. He looked up, expecting to see the boy preparing to pounce. But then the floor shook and he fell back just before the boy burst through the floor, sword first. He had always known when to run, and this was the perfect time.

He looked behind him to see the girl hiding in a stair way motioning for him to follow. As he was standing, the Rogue took the flat side of his sword and hooked it under his feet making him fall back down. Valeion rolled over and concentrated his will at the Rogue. A giant fireball hit him in the chest, burning his tunic away.

Valeion scrambled to his feet and the Rogue howled in pain and darted toward the stairs.

“You can’t hide forever!” raged the Rogue, “This realm is ours!”

“Come on,” Aries whispered pulling on his hand. They quickly made their way up the stairs and found themselves in an attic. A large hole in the roof and a fallen beam provided them a quick escape. Valeion helped the girl up first and then clambered out himself.

As they jumped onto the nearest roof top they heard an inhuman shriek and saw a column of white fire blaze forth from the center of the church. They ran as fast as they could, stumbling a little down the stairs of the building. They heard more fire erupting behind them but did not stop to look until they found a dilapidated house that provided enough cover for them.

They could barely see the boy with his melted skin, but they saw the white fire blaze forth from his mouth. The Rogue stumbled away in the opposite direction, occasionally destroying a building in his path.

“Let’s go,” the girl said, her voice shaking.

Valeion nodded and took her hand as they walked cautiously out of the house and towards the outskirts of the city.

Here the destruction was moderate. A few houses still remained intact while others had broken windows or walls missing. Behind them the sounds of the boy’s screaming grew farther away.

They reached a place where the ground was open except for some twisted heaps of metal. Dead trees surrounded the place that must have looked nice at some point.

Aries looked around and said, “It used to look like this, you know…before they came…”

Valeion nodded and looked around. A feeling of deep sadness came from within him that he could not explain; it was almost like he had lived here once.

Aries turned to him and asked, “Thank you…I'm sorry I ran away. I was afraid.”

“I understand,” he said gently, looking at the girl standing before him. He felt something wet touch his face. He lifted his gaze to see the last of the darkness vanishing. Snow fell gently down from the sky and Valeion turned around to see the fire in the city die away completely and leave only the lonely city in its wake.

Valieon, I can now respond. The machine is fixed and I'm pulling you out.

“Wait!” Valeion cried, “Not yet! This girl—”

Never mind her. You have to get out before this thing shuts down again.

“Who are you talking to?” Aries asked, concerned.

“The Archon, he’s going to withdraw me,” his eyes were wide with panic and Aries was afraid, “Find a place to stay Aries, I’ll come back when I can.”

Valeion felt the strange sensation of being pulled out of his skin once more as the Archon began to withdraw him. Aries’s eyes grew wide with fear and she reached forward and hugged him tightly.

“Don’t go, please,” she said as a tear rolled down her cheek.

“I’ll come back,” and then he was gone, and Aries was left alone again.

Valeion opened his eyes and saw as the lid of his chamber was lifted off. There stood the archon with his long black hair and piercing eyes. He smiled at Valeion and held out his hand to help him up.

“Good work in there,” he said in his smooth voice. The black robes he always wore flowed around him as he walked back to the controls, “You managed to survive yet again, Neophyte. That was quite amazing work.”

“I have to go back in,” Valeion said with a trace of panic in his voice, “Please Archon, let me go.”

The Archon stopped smiling and looked at Valeion, “What do you mean?”

Valeion swallowed hard and said, “I have to bring her back. She’s still stuck in there.”

The Archon glared at him menacingly, “The only reason we can still see her is that this machine isn’t working correctly. That girl doesn’t exist, Valeion.”

Valeion opened his mouth to beg the Archon to let him go back, but realized that it was useless, “Yes Archon, I’m sorry.” He bowed his head and requested to return to his room to rest. Once the Archon had granted him permission, Valeion walked to his room.

He could not get the girl out of his mind no matter how hard he tried. Something told him to go back, to plead with his life for hers, but he knew it was futile.

The door swung open as he reached his room and there stood his overly large cat, E’atus, waiting for him patiently.

He bent down to stroke the cats white fur and said, “I hope you have been well, my friend.”

He walked on in to the dark room that was his home. He willed the lights on and a dim glow came from the ceiling. All was just as he had left it before the simulation began.

He undressed and lay down on the bed, thinking about what would happen to the girl. E’atus jumped up beside him and lay there purring away until, at last, Valeion fell asleep.

Go back, came a thought echoing in his mind, but it never reached him in his dreams.

and now you are done! congradulations! yeah i know, it took alot of posts to get it on here, but the stupid thing only lets me put something with 20000 charecters. i would make a bad joke now but its 6 in the morning...

ProudestMonkey · 05-24-2007, 11:08 AM

I appreciate you wanting to share your story with us, but I doubt anyone will want to read through all of that. Maybe you should give it to us in excerpts, stuff you are having trouble with, etc.

WriterJohnB · 05-24-2007, 11:53 AM

WAAY too much to expect someone to crit at one time. But it didn't really matter because you began to lose me even before the story shorted.

I had to read this sentence 3 times to make sense of it. I'll guarantee you that if I were an editor, I'd immediately toss a manuscript that couldn't even get the first sentence right.

No one born within the month of darkness could possibly live for the Darkness takes who the darkness wants, and Tiasai belongs to the Darkness.

It needs a comma after "live." A small error, I grant you, but give the assistant editors - those who read the slush pile entries - any excuse to toss a ms., they do. It gets them through the stack a whole lot quicker, so they can go home and have a beer.

You have to hook an editor or reader almost immediately, to keep them reading.

Okay, on to other things.

We start out in a pleasant dream and then he awakens in a terrifying dream and then later he realizes he's awake and in a cell. At this point, I have no idea if he's awake in the dream or really awake.

Then the "sentinel" brings in his food. This would be a guard. A sentinel who is one who stays in one place and watches for danger, a sentry is the same, but he patrols instead of staying static.

Here, you jump abruptly out of the scene and move days ahead:

I tentatively taste it and it’s perfect. It seems that they have decided to show some kindness to me after all. I am surprised day after day as this continues. They bring delicious meals to me three times a day and have even moved me to a more comfortable room. But I know the true…my end is upon me.

"true" should be truth. Logically, I can't believe your protagonist can be so stupid as to fear poison. They have him IMPRISONED, there is no need for a devious poisoning. They can kill him at any point, by any method, including the obvious one, starvation.

They lay me on the dais, and a ceremony begins. I finally understand what their question meant.

Here, I'm confused again. Earlier, they asked him questions (plural) and this implies only one question was asked. I didn't go on to the second section.

I don't mean to be cruel; I'm responding as a reader first-of-all, and these are things that take me out of the story. If I didn't give an honest opinion, I'd be wasting my time (and yours.) And, don't forget, every first draft has problems; else there would only be one draft. To put it in perspective, I belong to a serious writers' group and they ripped my chapter to shreds at last night's meeting. I welcomed it and have already made revisions. It's now much improved.

But I couldn't tell you how many stories I've read that open with this imprisonment scene. You're going to need to add some zip.

On the good side, the writing is good, you just need to go over your own work with a critical eye. I hope this is of help.

Kaila · 05-24-2007, 11:55 AM

Oh well done, you held my attention to the very end, although there were those moments when I could not contemplate even continuing. Your style fluxates wildly between amazingly brilliant and captavating through to dull and boring.

Ok here we go. Occassionally you use the wrong word tense wise, such as "lay" instead of "laid". This puts one off of reading and certainly needs correcting to avoid the interruption of flow.

At times the story is most confusing and one can't disconcern exactly whats happening within it. On top of this some of the paragraphs are small and almost meaningless.

Although we get a good feeling for Vale - I would consider changing that name, it is tricky on the mind - we don't always understand his decisions or anything about him. However I like this guy, his got style and is a brilliant character, not in anyway flat at all.

You've got good description and I really felt at times like I was connected as such to the story, I just couldn't stop, it was so captivating.

I would recommend trying to make the story more clear all the way through, describe things better so we don't get confused. Explain why Vale thinks certain things such as about the Golem, such as in the church.

On the whole, its very good.

Ah yes the first sentence about Darkness made very little sense, I had to read it a few times to get it and even then, it was very off-putting.

Also as said above which I completely forgot about. That imprisonment scene...needs some major work.

Azmakna · 05-24-2007, 11:58 AM

just post one page.

tailchaser · 05-24-2007, 06:54 PM

ok then i now have some time to responed to you guys and thanks for your detailed critiques.

ok there are times when I forget to put a comma and stuff, and yeah there are a few tense issues (unintentional). But i do want to point out something about the first part.

My dreams are now haunted with them, their room, their words…its all I know anymore. Sometimes I dream of my life before the soldiers came. I see the sunlight and smell the sweet blossoming flowers. The stream plays about in its bed creating a beautiful melody that lulls me gently to sleep.

I wake, in the dream, to the sight of the burning forest, the screams of my family and friends. The river runs with the blood of hundreds and smoke fills the air. Terror…that is all I feel…terror of not knowing what has happened, terror of not knowing why, terror because of the strange iron clad people standing before me…

This is the first part of the thing. Notice how it says, My dreams are now haunted with them. The rest of it is discribing the dream. Also note the elipsis which indicates that something is fading out.

the part with the food, that isnt days ahead. its right after the person wakes up. There is no paragraph break because the subject is still the same: food. It simply tells what happens day after day from that day on.

also, DO NOT ASSUME! This is a very dangerous thing to do. a Prologue often doesnt make sence when you first read it and when you read the first few chapters. It often plays a large part of the story and explains stuff and gets people thinking.

The prologue is told in a first person voice which indicates that it is NOT part of the imidiate story. Also the voice is completly diferent (undesisive, fearfull, ect). Notice how the girl runs away when Valeion (Vale for short) sees the marks of darkness on her. Also knowtice that he does not fight the golems hand when the golem picks him up. The prologue is told from the girls point of view, a bit of foreshadowing that her past will be important to her future.

The word Sentinal is properly used in this book. Notice how Vale does not know what the word hear means, and he uses the word Respond instead. there are other things like that such as the directions (Our= North, South, East, West. Theirs=Forth, Back, Right, Left). Their language is slightly diferent from ours as you can see since the girl talks as we do.

Thanks for the thing about the quote. i did fix that so it makes sence.

As for my change from briliant to boring. every story has that. In this there are moments of calm and moments of exitment. however i do aggree that i need some work on a few parts.

As for question vs. questions. The charecter is being asked questions before, but when the charecter is put on the dais they remember a specific question and they now understand more.

But anyways, thank you all for you contribution and i will revise my story some more ^^. Hopefully the next time i post a part of this i wont have to explain so much ^^

Kaila · 05-24-2007, 08:16 PM

Oh yes I agree that sometimes a Prologue won't make much sense to a reader until further on in a book, but the fact of the matter is that the Prologue is actually confusing in its own right. If we're confused by it, it needs changing.

Right that was the other think I forgot to mention. If they use Left instead of our West then you need to make this clear. It lost me completely. I shouldn't have to think about what it means, that stops me focusing on the actual writing.

Mmmm I'd have to disagree. Each story has its weak points but these are always further on or nobody would read it, and not often of such varying degrees throughout a whole piece! If it gets boring nobody continues, if its weaker but still holds interest they will. Its not that the moments of calm are boring but that the way it is being said and what it is, is boring.

Right well if you've had to tell us this, revise it, change it, meld it to your will. ^__^ Good luck, this has soo much potential, it could be brilliantly good.

Silver_ · 10-16-2007, 08:33 PM

*Found and couldn't resist commenting.*

Yes I know it is old, but it is worth it.

Firstly, I'm afraid I have to disagree with those who want only the first page. I hate it when that happens, all you can criticise is the grammar, and really, that isn't any use. Anyone can do that, and a spell check can do the worst of it. You can't get a general feel for the story, which means that I would have lost interest immediately. Critique should be how the story flows, how good the idea and plot is, how well it is portrayed, the use of language throughout the story. You cannot get that from the first page, end of story.

Now, on to business. I'd say you have a great story in the works there tailchaser. It catches me, and draws me inside your world. I gather that the prolouge is meant to feel confusing, so I don't have a problem with that. Plenty of books start out with some obscure prophecy or summat, and when you realise what they were on about it suddenly makes a great deal of sense, and the sense of understanding all of a sudden and seeing how it all led up to this point is fun.

Valeion/Valerion. I'm afraid I keep reading it as the latter, probably because it doesn't have any strong pronounciation in it.

Sometimes things feel too quick, too simple, e.g., battle at the church. It happens quickly, fast, and extremely cleanly. I don't get a feel for the desperate battle it should be.

Character portrayal is very good, I empathise and emphasise with him. The man named Archon(His title or name?) seems interesting, especially this simulation going wrong. It leads me in and gets me interested in him too.

Poisining the captive at the beginning prolouge? Yes, they could simply execute him, but anyone'd be suspicious of anything apparently nice after being treated as he was before. It is too sudden, and wouldn't make sense to the captive.

And apart from grammar errors, and some minor continuation errors it is clear you'd be well on the way to becoming an author. ^__^ Pity you haven't posted more, I'm addicted now. :p

Ps: Kaila, didn't know you had an account here. xP