J.S.S

For my final project at college this year I have decided to do a book cover and two pages of story to go with it. I have just completed the blurb to go on the book cover and was wondering if you could give me some opinions and advice on it. I shall also post the two pages of story for you to look over when I finish them. Thanks in advance.


Victor Dante is a man on the cusp of sanity. He leads a life attending fancy parties, drinking excessive amounts of wine, indulging in opium and partaking of the fine cuisine of the noble and rich. He drifts through life using his wealth and power to gradually destroy him self until one day when he awakes to find himself in a sinister forest filled with nightmarish hell creatures.
To escape this twisted place Victor must journey through the circles of the forest to reach the bloodied tree stump at the centre where the heart of the forest lay. As he descends deeper into the forest his sanity begins to disintegrate and he is left with a choice, reach the heart or let the forest eat him.

sixlivesdown

The things you write after this don't justify why he's on the cusp of sanity. He lives a frivolous life, but nothing you say indicates why he's bordering on insanity. He's bordering on...nothingness. It sounds like a good line to start the blurb with, but only if you can back it up.

Sorry, but this seems really random. Why is he using his wealth and power to gradually destroy himself? Most people use their wealth and power to build themselves up. Do you mean that his wealth and power IS gradually destroying him?

Quote:

To escape this twisted place Victor must journey through the circles of the forest to reach the bloodied tree stump at the centre where the heart of the forest lay

Why will reaching this bloodied tree stump help him at all? And how does he know that he has to reach it?

Quote:

As he descends deeper into the forest his sanity begins to disintegrate and he is left with a choice, reach the heart or let the forest eat him.

Again, this just seems really random. Why will it eat him again?


I think that it has possibility, but I'd need to see more of it. Also, what genre do you expect this to be? Horror, fantasy, or dark fantasy?

Kwhitener

Sounds like Heart of Darkness meets Dante's Inferno.

J.S.S

I did intend for it to be like Dante's Inferno with the circles of the forest representing levels of his sanity but I didn't intend it to sound like Heart of Darkness for I have never heard of it.

J.S.S

Ok reworked it explaining it more and taking in the notes give by sixlivesdown. Please give further notes and criticism for I would really like to get this perfect.

Victor Dante is a man who leads a life attending fancy parties, drinking excessive amounts of wine, indulging in opium and partaking of the fine cuisine of the noble and rich. Victor is unaware that his rich glossy 19th century lifestyle is gradually destroying him and the drugs and alcohol he devours are slowly pushing his sanity to the edge.
One day Victor awakes to find himself in a sinister forest filled with nightmarish hell creatures and it is soon revealed that the vile place in which he finds himself is a manifestation of his ever-diminishing sanity.
To escape the forest and restore his mentality Victor must journey through the many circles of his personal hell and reach the bloodied stump where the heart of the forest lie before his sanity completely slips.

archer88iv

Heart of Darkness is only like 70-something pages. May as well give 'er a read.

__________________
-J

J.S.S

I shall look into it.

sixlivesdown

Okay, I'm back again. This one reads much better to me.

Just a couple of things.



This sentence feels convoluted to me. Here's how I'd word it (though you don't have to agree with me): Victor Dante is a man who leads a life of indulgences and excess. He attends countless fancy parties, indulges in endless amounts of wine, opium, and the fine cuisine of the noble and rich.

I think you're just trying to shove too much into one sentence, that's all.

I really like the next bit; it really explains things for me.


And just one nitpicky thing:



There should probably be a comma after mentality, and lie should be lies. Here's how I'd reword it (again, just my opinion)"To escape the forest and restore his sanity (I think that sounds better, again, just my opinion), Victor must journey through the many circles of his personal hell to reach the bloodied stump at the heart of the forest before he loses his sanity completely."


Hope this helps

J.S.S

It helps a lot, thanks.

Holden Blake