Zalika - a little introduction - Writers Forum

shanghai_nobody · 05-16-2007, 07:19 PM

This is just a small part of a book I plan to write. This is actually the beginning of the second chapter, but with a little work I feel it could be more effective as the opening of the book. Any critique and advice is welcome. Anyone taking the time to review this can be assured I will return the favour. Thanks

Daryl woke with an instant sigh of relief, he felt as if his hangover of fear had been lifted from him like a heavy veil that had been suffocating him. His shoulders no longer sagged due to lack of sleep, neither did he have to peel the sweat soaked bedsheets from his body.
He reached to rub at his eyes to check if this was a dream – he stopped, his hand faltered in it's movements Nothing wrong with a few more moments of ignorant bliss, if he was dreaming he would soon be plummeted back into an abysmal world of foul moods, weary muscles and a brain barely working on auto-pilot.

He rolled over the sheets were soothingly cool due to a light breeze floating through an open window, with no reason to get up he slumped back down into the bed in a motionless daze. Minutes fleeted by with a careless wave in a day that seemed perfect and void from the barriers of time that would end it. The risk of rolling over seemed like such a dramatic movement in a relaxing day, the sun seeped through his eyelids like partially opened blinds – the soft heat of the sun massaging at his muscles with fingers made of light.
It was the smell first that alerted his senses to the unusual surroundings. For the simple fact everyone knew the indescribable smell of there own house – it was the ambiguous smell of home, and he knew Diana's perfume immediately; subtle in it's smell, potent in it's attraction. This mixed in with the feeling of the sheets on his skin and scores of other little things let him know he was not in his own bed. It was like his senses had kick started again and were eager to prove there worth to him after a dull phase of meandering through life taking notice of nothing and no one.

He groaned as he moved to sit up he stopped half way at the sight of Diana standing in the door way a warm half smile on her face
“Morning” his voice was rough after it's long over due sleeping break. Neither was his mouth dry, his mumbled pleas during his nightmares would leave his tongue like sun soaked cardboard, waking with a tongue yearning for water.
But the nightmares had not stalked his sleep, in fact whenever he tried to remember anything from the previous night his mind would draw a blank.

broadwayenthusiast · 05-17-2007, 03:49 PM

Alright, here's what I think:
Personally, I hate when books open with a character awaking [unless a dream/nightmare was introduced beforehand]. It is overdone and loses the reader's interest. Who wants to read a page of someone uneventfully waking up? I don't mean to be harsh, but generally I like my books starting with action or dialogue.

shanghai_nobody · 05-17-2007, 05:24 PM

As I said this is actually the second chapter, the first chapter explains the nightmare and such and some action thrown. But thanks for the feedback.

ArcticFox · 05-18-2007, 01:18 AM

Just to add to broadwayenthusiast's comment, it could stand to use a little more flesh in the beginning of it. As a second chapter it could work, but in my opinion as a beginning it's a little abrubt.

sticklefidds · 05-18-2007, 06:25 AM

There's nothing inherently wrong, I think, with waking up as a start. Well, I would say that because my own starts that way too - but then so does Ian McEwan's 'Saturday', not to mention the setting out on a new day start to 'Ulysses'. But perhaps a little tightening up is called for, aiming for the immediate grab of attention that seems to be so vital these days. Just a few suggestions, but see what you think.

Daryl woke with an instant sigh of relief: the hangover of fear, like a heavy, suffocating veil, had been lifted from him. His shoulders no longer sagged due to lack of sleep; neither did he have to peel the sweat-soaked bedsheets from his body.
His hand reached to rub his eyes to check if this was a dream – then faltered in its movement: Nothing wrong with a few more moments of ignorant bliss. If he was dreaming he would soon be plummeted back into an abysmal world of foul moods, weary muscles and a barely working brain on auto-pilot.

I also wonder if 'due to lack of sleep' is really necessary, as presumably this will become clearer later. And 'abysmal' is somewhat redundant given the rest of the sentence. It made me think of 'abyssal' though, which does add something (but is of course completey different, and may not correspond at all to what you want).

As I say, these suggestions need not be taken on board, as they concern matters of style, and everyone's is different. But the general point is that each word has to contribute, and cutting and revision need to be ruthless. Finally, I've amended some of the punctuation, because unless you've got a deliberate reason to flout the rules, then they're best abided by. And no literary licence can allow a person to write 'it's' when they mean 'its'.

What you have is an intriguing situation, which could, as you say, make for a good first chapter. Just needs that extra bit of picking at.

All the best.