Holden Blake

This is a short extract from a piece I'm working on. It may come across as a bit wierd, but it's written in the pov of a character who himself is a bit wierd (to say the very least). Anyway please tell me what you think.

All of a sudden I wanted fear, I wanted anxiety. So I stood up, shoved the sword down my trouser leg and was off. Walking down the street I passed terrace upon terrace, all stacked together in one big winding row that finished off at the gates of the lead factory.

I kept my head down and every so often was greeted with the howling of a decrepit mutt in one of the ramshackle gardens. The footpath was parched, caked in dust from the two great big chimney stacks that loomed over the compound wall. I could feel myself grow hot under the collar.

It was a shameful path, kind of like the queue to the breadline. I looked up and realised the factory was still a good hundred yards off so I decided to up the pace. The problem was I'd failed to take into accountance the thirty eight inch sword that was lodged in my trousers.

I became aware of the bade cutting into my leg as I attempted to move more freely. It wasn’t long before I felt a vein of wetness trickle down into one of my shoes. The pain was minor, so minor that I became disillusioned by it. So I trudged forwards, harder, and sure enough the pain increased to a much more satisfying level. I could feel my leg getting wetter and wetter and inside and I was growing whet along with it. The excitement was becoming unbearable with each step, my foot slowly immersing as my shoe filled up with warm liquid sludge.

Finally, large globules of blood began to splatter over onto the ground where the thirsty cobbles lapped it down into the crevices. The sight of the blood was tantalising, I could almost smell it, taste it even. Without thinking, I griped the handle hard with both hands and pulled it up, falling over onto my knees. The factory wall was within touching distance and I was now, more than ever, itching for a fight.

Azmakna

wooo wooo woooooooo, my head just exploded! lol. never ever start a story with 'all of a sudden' in fact try to avoid it totally. too many words with too many conflicting rhythms. its like you just crashed through the reference section in the library with a bull dozer. take every unnecessary word out and i'll read it again...

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Holden Blake

^ Ok, thanks for the advice there. The only thing I'm finding difficult is that I'm trying to write it in pov form and the character who is speaking is known to use a lot of unnecessary descriptive. Also this is not the start of the story but an extract.

broadwayenthusiast

I liked it, and since your character is intentionally eccentric, there isn't much to change. I would advise you to paragraph it, though, instead of having just one giant clump of text. Makes for a better read.

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Azmakna

well actually i've read it again and i think i was a little harsh. i think the beginning put me off a little. i stand corrected though! Broadway is right and i was wrong... but there are a few unneccesary words in there

__________________
don't count me a blank page
waiting to be written on,
see me as a written page
waiting to be photocopied.

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Holden Blake

Thanks, and your right about the packed sentences, always been a problem of mine..

Azmakna

it's a nice problem to have. it's always easier to cut away than add

__________________
don't count me a blank page
waiting to be written on,
see me as a written page
waiting to be photocopied.

http://www.writersbeat.com

Alex44

Someone with experience with a sword would never shove it into their pants. Also like someone else said you probably shouldn't start with 'All of a sudden'.

Last thing: You shouldn't have to tell us the character is weird, it should be understandable to us by reading it. Think about if it were published, nowhere in the book/magazine or whatever will it be telling readers that. It should be portrayed in a way that we can tell his personality, or want to learn more about his personality by continuing to read.

Overall I thought it was pretty good.

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