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| Critique and Advice Works seeking critique, advice or assistance. |
05-14-2007, 06:38 PM
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#1
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Writer
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: BC Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 31
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The Last Vampire
This is the opening to a story that I am currently working on.
What I posted is just the opening to it. Give me your honest thoughts?
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05-15-2007, 08:55 AM
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#2
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Swadlincote, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 923
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OK, first thing: post it straight up. Attatchments just mean less people will read it. Honest.
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Undercover by the nights ever sanctified shadows, the beast uncovered himself
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Don't use undercover and uncover in the same sentence. Change one of them.
Should be "Sun's". And you may want to change "nectar", it just doesn't seem right.
By the way, the "Suns/Sun's thing is all the way through the story.
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savage that was convinced of killing.
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"convinced" doesn't really go here. Maybe something different...
Quote:
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large embellishing compass stood.
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Change "embellishing". Maybe just "embellished", or just mention what the compass is embellishing.
I can see what you're aiming for, but "goofed" is neither right here, or a real word. Maybe "befuddled" or "confused"
I haven't mentioned the spelling mistakes I found, and the apostrophe misuse I've mentioned before.
Other than that, a good premise. An interesting, introspective look into the mind of a Vampire.
Oh, and by the way, was this any any chance inspired by The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion? 
Last edited by Rahvin : 05-15-2007 at 08:58 AM.
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05-15-2007, 04:36 PM
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#3
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Writer
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: BC Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 31
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Yea...some of it is...
BUt I did do some spelling touchups last night and some sentances that didn't make sence or had an uneccissary word. So I have fixed up some of it. And thanks for the advice.
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05-15-2007, 05:10 PM
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#4
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Grimsby, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,866
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post it here please 
__________________
don't count me a blank page
waiting to be written on,
see me as a written page
waiting to be photocopied.
http://www.writersbeat.com
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