My first ever chapter one, be honest... - Writers Forum

laurelinuk · 05-14-2007, 05:06 PM

Hi all,

I have been writing forever but this is my first attempt at a novel, and this is the pre-edited first chapter (no name for novel as yet):

1

Ash ran through the field as fast as he possibly could. The knee high grass was whipping his bare legs and his chest was heaving with the exertion. Over the slight mound, only twenty yards ahead, he could see the castle towering in the distance after a steep downwards slope and another five hundred yards of waving grass.

Behind him the ground shook under the pounding of hooves. Ash looked back to see the rider crouched low and steady on the saddle. Looking around, and seeing no shelter, he realised that there was only one thing left to do. Without hesitation Ash took run to the edge of the slope and leapt forwards, determined to escape the rider.

His right foot touched solid ground first, but it didn’t remain solid. As the earth of the slope crumbled under the pressure of Ash’s enthusiastic descent he went flying into a full body roll, from the top of the slope, right to the bottom. There were great slabs of stone jutting sporadically down that slope, severed tree trunks and great holes where animals had clearly burrowed- just the things to crack bones and break them if a foot were to get caught whilst the rest of the body continued on its journey. Fortunately luck was with Ash and on this occasion he escaped with minor cuts and bruises. His pride remained in tact as well, at least for a short while.

The rider didn’t seem relieved by Ash’s healthy condition. The man had leapt from his steed and was attempting the downwards trip in a more dignified fashion, foot first and using his hands to steady himself. Unfortunately he ended up at the bottom with his cloak arranged haphazardly around his head and his linen hose a most unpleasant shade of brown.

As the rider examined his clothing in dismay Ash said jovially “At least they didn’t rip in the backside sir, a man must maintain his dignity.” And with that he was running again, straight for the castle. The rider, face contorting with incredulous anger, looked set to follow until he realised that his horse, which he had left at the top of the slope in his eagerness to catch Ash, was in need of catching and he was left with the unpleasant task of getting back up the slope alone.

“We will be having words Master Ash!” he bellowed, “And you had better scrub your eyes boy!” The rider turned from the fleeing young man and started up the slope with grim resolution etched in his features.

Ash, hearing the rider’s parting words knew it wouldn’t be long until he saw Anselm Sawyer again. He thought with despair, “Why did I talk about his backside?”

Critique welcome!

Laurel

mammamaia · 05-14-2007, 05:54 PM

you lose the drama of the action by using the wrong verb form, too many words and cliches... 'less is more' is still the best axiom for writers to follow... compare what you have there with this:

Quote:

Ash ran as fast as he could. Knee-high grass whipped his bare legs bloody and his chest heaved, lungs needing more air to keep him going. The castle reared up ahead of him. A low mound, then a steep downward slope and another five hundred yards of punishing grass was all that separated them. Could he make it?

give us the drama of his experience, not just the boring physical details... hope this helps...

love and hugs, maia

laurelinuk · 05-14-2007, 06:11 PM

I like you, very honest!

mammamaia · 05-15-2007, 06:06 PM

so glad you can appreciate honesty!... some don't, sorry to say... i'm here for you any time you want help... just drop me a line...

love and hugs, m
maia3maia@hotmail.com