numai.stea

Its choppy, and I'm working on it. I was just hoping for some feedback; ideas and suggestions would be appreciated.

Chapter One

Heather Andrews woke up sweating, her head pounding painfully. She had just had the most peculiar dream, yet she could not remember what it had been about. Her whole body hurt, and she felt as if she had been running for miles. She sat up in her bed, shrouded in darkness. Comforting darkness. Glancing over towards the clock resting on her bedside table, she read that it was exactly eleven o’clock in the morning. Grumbling, she lay back down on the bed, and stared up at nothing. Her bedroom had no window, so no matter what time of day it was, her room was always dark, and she liked it that way. It made it easy for her to sleep whenever she wanted. Besides, the sunlight made her eyes hurt. It was a large room, with hardly anything in it at all. The bed upon which she lay was not very large, but extremely comfortable.

Her head sinking into an equally as comfortable pillow, Heather closed her eyes. It was the third of August, she thought to herself. Since, of course, yesterday had been the second. Today was going to be a good day, she knew, because it was her day off, and she could lay here in her darkness for as long as she wanted. Which proved to be not very long.

Heather sat up, and swung her legs off the bed. She hit her shin on something in the dark, and gasped out in surprise. Again, she thought to herself. Every morning, she hit that same leg on that same stand beside her bed. Her hand slid down her leg to rub that same spot. The feeling of her hand rubbing through the green cotton of her pants was strangely relaxing. Using her other hand, Heather felt around the stand, until she found what she was looking for. With a soft click, the lamp came on, filling the room with yellow light, but only enough for her to see where she was going.

It was her day off. What was she going to do today? She thought about it as she stood up and walked towards one of the three doors in her bare room. It was very rarely she took a day off...the girl that takes her place on those days is VERY unreliable and clumsy; not someone Heather wants running her bar. But, Heather didn’t have the heart to fire the poor girl, who was not much younger than Heather herself.

‘Second Star to the Right’, was the name of the bar Heather’s father had once owned. Why it was named that was unknown to Heather, and forever will be. She had never known her father to be into Peter Pan, and the bar happened to be on the left side of the street, when entering the city. But she loved it there, and as far as she knew, the people there loved her. Of course, if everyone knew she was only nineteen, there might be some problems. Therefore, no one over the age of twenty ever found out.

Opening the door now before her, Heather walked into the small blue bathroom. She smiled at herself in the mirror, and followed up with a funny face. Giggling, Heather turned on the sink, and searched the bathroom for a cloth. Washing her face was Heather’s plan, and she figured she might brush her teeth as well, depending on what was for breakfast. If was going to be good, she will have some, and brush later. If not, she’ll just brush now. It then occurred to Heather that in order to find out what was for breakfast, she would have to go out and check. So, shrugging, she decided to brush her teeth now anyway.

Heather looked in the mirror and smiled at herself once again. She loved her smile, so she smiled a lot. Heather had creamy, medium coloured skin, and long dark brown hair. Un-brushed, her hair looked like a tangled mess, but when she did brush it, she knew it would look amazing. Heather knew she was pretty, but tried to not make a deal about it. Yet even though she loved her looks, she hated her eyes. Her dark brown eyes (“Spanish eyes”, her father used to call them) had been an inheritance from her mother, and Heather felt they made her look like she was on drugs. She felt as if her eyes made her less pretty.

Naturally, everyone else loved her eyes.

“You have beautiful eyes,” Her mother used to tell her, “quit moping around about them, and smile. Make them shine.” Heather felt her lip tremble as her mother’s voice echoed through her mind, but the moment passed quickly, and soon Heather was smothering her face with a wet washcloth.

Stepping out of the bathroom about ten minutes later, her face washed and teeth brushed, Heather went back to her bed and sat. She tried to remember the dream she had woken up from earlier. Closing her eyes, she focused on the pain she had felt not too long ago.

‘I will forgive you...’She could pull no pictures out from her mind. Only the voice: faint, and muffled. Confused, she stood back up, and decided she would let it be. It was, after all, just a dream.

“Just a dream,” she confirmed for herself aloud, before exiting her bedroom. As soon as Heather opened her door she could smell eggs, bacon, and toast. Two eggs at that, along with one slice of toast, and four strips of bacon. She knew the routine well. Quite often was the same breakfast prepared for her, and Heather never grew tired of it.

“Good morning,” a voice from the kitchen called. Heather smiled. She loved that voice. Her best friend had that kind of soft and quiet, yet strong voice that people adore. Many times previously people have asked her if she sang. Heather had never heard the girl sing in her life.

“Kaaaylaa…” Heather rang cheerfully. She crossed the living room and entered the small, sad excuse for a kitchen, and sat at the two-person table. Her place was already set: Two eggs, a slice of toast, four strips of bacon, and orange juice. Classic. Across the table, Kayla Foster sat in her place. She had giggled silently when Heather rang her name; she loved it when Heather did that. She loved a lot of the things Heather did. She didn’t even have a problem with the things Heather didn’t do.

“You’re not hungry?” Heather asked, breaking her yolks. Kayla had not set herself a place. She shook her head.

“No. I’m not hungry.” In truth, Kayla felt sick. The previous night had been a sleepless one. She was kept awake by her refusal to dream. Her dreams had been all the same lately, and they made her nervous. Unlike Heather, Kayla always remembered her dreams, as well as the details she wished not to ever discuss.

Heather smiled at her, and ate. She had learned long ago not to press on about Kayla’s habits and moods. She was, and had forever been, a very private person.

‘We couldn’t run away...’ Again, Heather heard a voice from her dream. She dropped her fork, and sat silently. Once more, she tried to pull out more memory of her dream, with no success. Kayla started at her.

“Is everything okay?” Kayla asked, whispering. Heather shook her head quickly, and began to eat again.

“Of course everything is okay.”

“You looked scared.”

“Did I?”

“Yes.” Kayla started to make Heather nervous.

“I just had some deja vu, that’s all,” Heather lied. Kayla had caught the annoyance in her voice, so she dropped it.

“When do you work today?” Heather asked, hoping to change the subject.

Never. I was fired. “They decided last minute to give me a day off,” Kayla answered. She had been a waitress at a fancy restaurant on Main Street. Le Happiness, it was called, and it always bothered her that the owners had two languages in such a simple name. Kayla had been fired the previous evening for her clumsiness. She wasn’t a clumsy person, and she hadn’t been that night. She had just been tired. However, she wasn’t about to tell Heather that she had lost her job. Heather nodded, and took a gulp of her orange juice.

“Right on, we can spend the day together,” Heather suggested. Kayla shrugged.

“Maybe. I have to do a few things first.”

“Like?”

“Well, we’re out of some stuff...I need to run out and pick them up.”

“Oh. Well, I could do that.” Kayla shook her head. She knew how Heather enjoyed being home alone, if only for a few moments. Besides, Heather could never remember what to get. Kayla said so. Heather laughed, nearly upsetting her juice.

“That’s not true, you tell me to get milk, and I come home with that.”

“Well, we often need more than just milk. Milk does us no good when I have to do the dishes,” Kayla stated, rolling her eyes. “Speaking of that…” She stood up, and started to gather up Heather’s dishes. Heather quickly protested.

“Go away,” Kayla laughed, shoving Heather out of the kitchen, “no more broken dishes!”

Heather shrugged, seating herself on the small sofa in the living room. The room’s walls were a dark cream colour, and the sunlight shone in through the balcony doors, warming and lighting up the apartment. Heather winced at the light, and turned to the sofa. She noticed a basket filled with folded laundry on the cushions. Laundry that she had promised to take care of. Heather sighed, and called out to Kayla.

“I said I would do it.”

“I know...but I decided I would.”

“But last night? Kayla!”

“Look, I couldn’t sleep!” Kayla stated harshly, and Heather went silent. The sound of dishes clattering roughly jumped Heather, and she then regretted saying anything. She knew that Kayla didn’t sleep well. She knew she should just let her be. Let her do what she wanted. Heather almost felt saved when the phone rang. She jumped up quickly to answer it, and didn’t even read the phone to see whom it was.

“Hey,” she said once she picked up the phone. A small giggle replied. She recognized it immediately. It was Camryn.

“Hey Heather! What are you doing there?”

“It’s my day off,” Heather looked towards the kitchen. It was silent in there.
“Oh, is it? Well. Um, what’s Kayla doing?”

“Nothing,” Heather said, and it was probably true. “Why?”

“Oh, no reason, I guess.” Camryn was hiding something from her. Heather could feel it. Whenever she gave that as a reply, it always meant that Camryn was hiding something. Of course, it had something to do with Kayla. Camryn Marsh was part of what kept Heather and Kayla together, and she knew it. Whenever Kayla had something to say, she told Camryn. Kayla never had the spirit to tell Heather, and Camryn would be the one to hint the problems to Heather, who then fixed them. Unfortunately, it was the same thing with Heather. Whenever Camryn called to talk to Kayla, it always meant there was some discussion going on Heather wasn’t supposed to know about. Sometimes about her, but other times, Heather knew, about...other things. There was only so much Heather could do.

“Heather?”

“Hmm?” Heather shook out of her reverie.

“I said: I’ll let you go.”

“Oh. Wait, why?”

“What?”

“Why let me go? You just called!”

“Well I, you know.”

Heather said nothing.

“I shouldn’t really be calling. You know how it is here.” Heather nodded. Camryn worked for a newspaper as a reporter’s assistant and photographer. She was always busy: when she wasn’t out with her camera taking pictures of a story, she was at the office fetching coffee for her employer.

“Heather?”

“I nodded.”

“Oh.”

“So, we’re here all day. Give us a call?”

“You bet. Talk to you later, Heather.” She hung up the phone. Only for a moment, did it occur to Heather that Camryn didn’t ask why Kayla was home.

“Heather? I’m going out now.” Heather spun around. Kayla was already at the door, ready to leave. Her eyes were dark. Heather nodded.

“Okay, see you.” Kayla opened the door, and left quickly. Heather held her breath until the door clicked shut, and then fell over into the cushions.

__________________
"Jog on, jog on,
the foot-path way,
And merrily hent the stile-a:
A merry-heart goes all the day,
your sad tires in a mile-a."
--Autolycus A Winter's Tale

numai.stea

Kayla hurried down the hallway, ignoring the people around her. She couldn’t wait to get outside; she needed fresh air. She felt bad for snapping at Heather, but she couldn’t help it. Why did Heather have to be so curious? What did it matter that Kayla did the laundry? She reached the elevator, and pressed the button for the main floor. Kayla had done the laundry because she had to do something. She couldn’t sit up all night without keeping herself occupied. But how could she explain that to Heather? She could explain that to Camryn easy. She could explain a lot to Camryn.

Kayla had had a dream while she was in the kitchen. It wasn’t the first time she had had that dream, but it was the first time she’d had it while she was awake. That bothered her. They were starting to get longer, clearer, and more persistent. Furthermore, today it had been clearer than ever. She could see and feel everything, as if it was truly happening, and she hadn’t been at all confused.

She had been in a large, dark room—a cold room. The walls were stone, and she had known where she was. She was in the basement of a very large house. She had started walking forward, and the more she walked, the more the room lit up. Before long, she could see that she was walking towards an altar, and candles—dozens of them—surrounded her. Sitting in front of the altar was a girl. She was crying. Kayla had started to cry too.

In reality, the elevator opened up, and Kayla went inside. There were a few more people in there with her, but she ignored them too.

‘Kayla, I’m sorry,’ the girl had said. Kayla had shaken her head, and knelt down to hold her, but as she did so, blood started to appear on the girl’s hands.

‘Why did you leave me?’ The girl started screaming at her, and it was usually around that time when Kayla woke up. However, this time, she hadn’t. Instead, she had to watch as the ground opened up before her, swallowing the altar. A pair of hands had reached out, pulling the girl into the engulfing darkness. Kayla had sat there, not being able to save her.

What had scared Kayla most about the dream was, the girl had been Heather.

Chapter Two





Heather dropped her book to the sound of knocking on the door. Curious, she moved herself off the couch. Who could be here? All her friends were either at work, or away. Heather smiled. Maybe it was Camryn for a surprise drop in. Before opening the door, Heather quickly ran her fingers through her dark hair, and flattened out her pyjamas. She wanted to look at least decent.

She opened up the door quickly, and almost closed it again when she saw what was on the other side. A boy, not much older than she, stood in the doorway, white as a sheet. He was shaking, and only with a closer look did Heather recognize who it was. He had short, light brown hair, with bangs that covered his currently wide blue eyes. It was someone Heather had went to school with, and one she hadn’t seen for over a year.

“Jacob?” She asked, and the boy jumped at his name. Jacob Brown had been a star player on the school hockey team. He and Heather had never been friends. They just knew each other. Why he was here confused Heather, but not nearly as much as his physical appearance did. He was usually, from what she remembered, a clean, well-kept person. He certainly didn’t appear to be now. His clothes were wrinkled and dirty, and both of his shoes were untied.

Jacob said nothing, but instead reached out to her for support. She stepped back, and he nearly fell over.

“Jacob? Jesus! What’s wrong with you?” Heather exclaimed.

“I had to come to you,” he replied, his voice shaky and nervous. Heather felt a new sympathy for him. Something awful must have happened.

“What for?” She started to question, as she wrapped her arms around him. His body was cold, and he continued to shake. She brought him inside, looking down the corridor before closing the door behind them. She sat him on the couch, and sat herself on the chair across from him. She watched him look around nervously. Heather instantly felt an odd excitement build up inside of her.

“Jacob...what’s wrong?”

He looked quickly at her, eyes wide. The two made eye contact for a moment, but then he looked away, a whine escaping his lips. Heather impatiently rolled her eyes, and decided to seat herself beside him. This seemed to relax him, but not much. She placed a hand on his knee, and used her other one to force him to face her.

“It wasn’t my idea, I refused,” he muttered to her. Heather nodded, though she was terribly confused. Sweat was dripping down the poor boy’s face, and he was still shivering. The guy was terrified, but for what reason?

“Jake,” Heather said to him softly, brushing his bangs away from his face. They were damp with sweat. “Why are you here?”

He said nothing for a moment, his eyes darting through the room. He reminded Heather of a mad man searching for a way out.

“Tell her to go away…” Jacob whispered to himself, hiding his face in his hands. Heather grumbled to herself, and stood up. She was about to walk away towards the kitchen, when he suddenly grabbed her wrist. She gasped. His grip was very hard. She looked down at him. He stared up at her with wide, terrified eyes.

“Don’t leave me,” he pleaded, releasing her. “I need you to listen to me.”

“Well, if you start talking to me, I’ll listen,” Heather snapped. She didn’t mean to, but he was frustrating her. Jacob nodded, and she sat back down. He finally started to talk to her, his voice quick and scattered; and she had to strain her ears to actually hear him.

“Alex and I were headed out on a road trip. Hockey season was out, and we’re both unemployed... I suppose our parents gave us money to get rid of us.” Heather nodded. Alexander Crain and Jacob had both been star players. Unfortunately, neither boy had really been able to take up any other skill. After graduation, they had continued to play the game for the Holmesville team, and even coach the Junior Boy’s Hockey team. Heather had never really been close to Jacob, or the team at all, but she had been with Alexander.

Alex and Heather had grown up together. They had had a classic girl/boy-next-door relationship. Then, sadly, Heather had to move to a different part of town, and things broke away. They both moved on, but they had never lost contact. Up until graduation, the two had still been close friends. But after that, they had only seen each other once or twice.

“I was driving, and he was videotaping everything. That was something we had agreed on doing: Videotaping our whole trip.” He stopped talking, and Heather thought he wasn’t going to start up again. However, after a few silent moments passed, he did.

“Along the road…” he dragged his words. “There were two hitchhikers: Ronnie and Robbie.” Heather flinched at the names. Her movement stopped Jacob, who jumped and spun around toward the door. It was to his obvious relief, that the door was still closed.

“Ronnie and Robbie?” Heather echoed. Jacob nodded, and Heather groaned. Ronald Fletcher and Robert Johnston had also been her friends through high school. They were troublemakers, and never up to any good. They were also jerks, and Heather could never understand why she had been a friend to them in the first place. Robbie had even liked her for two years, a fact which only after graduation disgusted her.

“I thought they both moved away last winter.”

“We thought they did too. We were going to pass them…but Alex told me to stop,” his voice died off into a whine, and again Heather felt extreme sympathy towards him. She placed a hand on his shoulder, and he continued, slower.

“When Alex suddenly told me to stop and pick them up, I was confused. We both hated them, but he was always one to try to impress. He told me that he wanted to catch them on tape doing something stupid. That didn’t make any sense to me, but it was his car, so I picked them up.” Heather nodded. She still didn’t understand what was happening, but she listened intently.

“They didn’t have anything with them. When I asked where they were going, all they said was ‘wherever you are’. That pissed me off, but what could I say? They’re smaller than me, but they scare me.”

Heather nodded again. Both of them were as skinny as sticks, yet no one had ever dared to mess with them. Along with the fact that they were a weasel and a rat capable of getting anyone into trouble, they were also the children of two of the most respected, richest families in Holmesville. They had power; just none of it was physical.

“I kept driving. I don’t know when Alex planned to drop them off, but he acted as if he didn’t at all. He was taping them fighting in the back seat, for whatever reason. Suddenly Ronnie screamed out for me to stop the car. The boys had started talking about the big house up on the hill, the one you hear all the rumours about…” he stopped again, this time to stare straight into nothing. Heather held her breath. He winced, before turning back to look at her.

“ I should have kept driving,” he whispered. “I know I should have.”

But Alex made you stay. Heather was starting to understand. Alexander had indeed always been one to impress. He never let go a dare, or a challenge. That had always been his weakness.

“What happened Jacob? That’s all you need to tell me.”

Jacob whimpered again, and wiped the sweat away from his forehead. He had started to lean back and forth on the couch, his body still shaking.

“We were dared to go in with the video camera,” he stated, his voice so harsh that Heather couldn’t help but lean away from him.

“And Alex agreed,” Heather finished. Jacob nodded. He leaned his face towards hers to the point where Heather could feel his heavy breathing on her face.

__________________
"Jog on, jog on,
the foot-path way,
And merrily hent the stile-a:
A merry-heart goes all the day,
your sad tires in a mile-a."
--Autolycus A Winter's Tale

Powderedtoastman

Her head sinking into an equally as comfortable pillow

Consider changing to something like; her head sank back into the warm, inviting pillow



She hit her shin on something in the dark, and gasped out in surprise. Again

Consider changing the comma after again to a full stop?



It was her day off.

Consider deleting, as you already mention it’s her day off earlier.


She thought about it as she stood up and walked towards one of the three doors in her bare room.

Be more specific on the door, where it is, where it goes? Is it a bathroom or living room door? Is it south or west facing?



Opening the door now before her,

Consider changing to; opening the door, the reader will, more likely than not, piece together that it is the door mentioned earlier, no need to simplify TOO much, otherwise it will read like a script or an old text adventure game.


Washing her face was Heather’s plan, and she figured she might brush her teeth as well, depending on what was for breakfast. If was going to be good, she will have some, and brush later. If not, she’ll just brush now. It then occurred to Heather that in order to find out what was for breakfast, she would have to go out and check. So, shrugging, she decided to brush her teeth now anyway.

I’d redo this in a different format, more like; heather planned on having a quick wash, and then brushing her teeth, before going down for breakfast.
She grabbed the toothbrush from its holder, and clawed around in the medicine cabinet, eventually finding the rolled up remains of the toothpaste tube.


“quit moping around about them, and smile. Make them shine.”

Perhaps change to getting upset about them/ moaning about them.


Heather went back to her bed and sat.

Consider changing to; Heather went back to her room and sat on the bed.


She didn’t even have a problem with the things Heather didn’t do.


Remove this line? I found it difficult to understand at first, and I think others may too. Perhaps not.

All in all, I think this was a really good start to a story, I've highlighted where i think you could make changes etc, but by no means am I an expert! I'm a newbie on here, looking for critique on my work too

I'll keep checking back for updates, but, you have yourself a new fan!