Constant Control - Writers Forum

dukiex3 · 05-13-2007, 06:21 PM

Hey, I just started writing a piece of work a few days ago, and was wondering if anyone had any comments/critiques.

Walking briskly across the room, he contemplated every action over and over, over and over. Everything was in sync, two heart beats to every tick of the clock. Unusually fast, yes, but nonetheless something to hold on to. He wasn't used to this; routine had always been his thing, spontaneity always seemed a danger. The ticking of the clock provided comfort, but he realized that in no way does comfort equate to survival. With no choice left, he gathered every piece of courage that lingered in his being, stopped walking and cocked his head sideways to get a clear view of the clock. Was it possible for time to freeze? He stood there watching keenly, waiting to hear the familiar tick. His entire stay in the room was dependent on that tick, where had it gone? His sanity was dependent on that tick. Control was what he was known for; everything was always under control. Always sharp, he was quick to mentally criticize his mistakes. So that was the problem with constant control, its absence renders you helpless. Incredulously, he crouched on his knees and once again peered at the clock. The longer it remained stagnant, the more he felt his life escape him. Devastated, the man closed his eyes and held his breath; there it was, that familiarity of the tick. The noise that once gave him reassurance became the birth to his downfall.

Would you want to continue reading?

Rahvin · 05-15-2007, 09:05 AM

I wouldn't continue reading, but that has nothing to do with your writing, just my personal tastes.

Pretty introspective, but it sets the character out nicely. We immediately get a picture of what he is like from the first sentence onwards, so well done on the introduction.

If I liked that kind of stuff, I'd continure reading. Honest.

Well, actually, it's too short to say if the overall thing is good or not, so hey, maybe I'll be surprised.

Azmakna · 05-15-2007, 09:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dukiex3

Hey, I just started writing a piece of work a few days ago, and was wondering if anyone had any comments/critiques.

Walking briskly across the room, he contemplated every action over and over, over and over. Everything was in sync, two heart beats to every tick of the clock. Unusually fast, yes, but nonetheless something to hold on to. He wasn't used to this; routine had always been his thing, spontaneity always seemed a danger. The ticking of the clock provided comfort, but he realized that in no way does comfort equate to survival. With no choice left, he gathered every piece of courage that lingered in his being, stopped walking and cocked his head sideways to get a clear view of the clock. Was it possible for time to freeze? He stood there watching keenly, waiting to hear the familiar tick. His entire stay in the room was dependent on that tick, where had it gone? His sanity was dependent on that tick. Control was what he was known for; everything was always under control. Always sharp, he was quick to mentally criticize his mistakes. So that was the problem with constant control, its absence renders you helpless. Incredulously, he crouched on his knees and once again peered at the clock. The longer it remained stagnant, the more he felt his life escape him. Devastated, the man closed his eyes and held his breath; there it was, that familiarity of the tick. The noise that once gave him reassurance became the birth to his downfall.

its not that you can't do this, its that you have to have a really good reason to. lost my train of thought here. rethink. piece? your need for verbage let you down here. simplify. the transition from heartbeat/two ticks to this has gone missing. smooth it out that sounds odd

LOVED IT! yes its a bit long for what you meant, yes its introspective, but hell its gripping in a strange way. i take it you were just flexing your creative muscle here? keep it up. overwrite as much as you like, its easier to cut away than to pad.

Would you want to continue reading?

No, is the short answer, but thats because it's like a tiny, wee, short storyyyy. when you do decide to write another piece, try encapsulating everything you have written here in three sentences