horror story - Writers Forum

cirenosille · 05-11-2007, 07:37 PM

I've tried several times to get into writing, but I seem to have a hard time keeping on it. Thought maybe if i get some feed back it might help. This is only a start of a bigger story.

Rachael began to strain her eyes as she spotted what looked to be a furry animal down the path. She wondered if it could be a stray cat or pet of some sort. As she walked closer it became apparent that the thing was no pet, but it did look furry.
Her eyes fixated on the object, she didn't notice the log in the path. Kicking the log and stumbling forward she caught herself and straightened out. The woman was now standing right next to the furry object. As Rachael looked down she took notice of the pool of blood surrounding what could now clearly be described as the top half of someones head. Her voice paralyzed, she slowly started to back away not able to utter a sound.
A rustle from a bush near by caused the woman to jump, but it seemed to be nothing but the breeze. The oddness of the silence which gripped the forest did not phase Rachael until the sound came. A howling began to come from the right that slowly morphed into something horrid. There's no easy way to say what Rachael was hearing, but that which could be discerned was the throat ripping screams of tortured souls. As Rachael turned to run, an invisible force seized her up.
-----------------

Jim was sitting in his father's old leather chair, the place he always took his naps after dinner. He awoke to his wife walking through the front door, as he usually does. Their routine was the same as every other day, he would sleep while she would go for a walk in the woods behind the ranch-style home they bought a few years back.
"Hey hun, see any woodland creatures out there?" Jim asked. That was Rachaels favorite thing to do, go silently down the paths and look for bits of wildlife to observe. One day she was so excited coming home to tell her husband about the little bunny that she followed to a nice little natural spring. The enthusiasm in her voice about how good the water tasted brought a smile to Jim's face as he was reminded about the relaxation the area brought the couple.
Rachael didn't answer her husbands question and just carried on into the kitchen. This was an odd moment for the man because he was always returned with a smile and a cheerful response. "Honey? How was your walk?" Jim asked again. Silence still lingered in the air. Then a gentle sobbing could be heard coming from the other room.
Jim stood up and headed towards the kitchen. He began to smile thinking that she just came across an injured animal somewhere. "Awww, was there a creature out there that couldn't be saved?" he asked as he turned the corner into the hall way. All set to comfort the caring woman he caught a glimpse of red on the carpet. I hope she didn't bring the thing in here, he thought to himself, imagining her carrying a small squirel into the house with her.
As he came closer to his wife, the sobbing abruptly stopped. Startled, Jim stopped for a second then continued on. He put his hand on Rachaels shoulder and pulled her slightly to turn his wife around.
"Oh...my god..." the man muttered. The person that Jim looked like his wife, but one eye was missing and the other one had the lids cut off. There was also a hole in her right cheek and a hazy purple, black smoke was drifting out of it.
The demon began to grin. There was no Rachael in the thing Jim was now looking at, only a shell that was once his wife. Before the man could say anything more, a cold sensation was forming in his abdomin. The creature had jabbed a single finger into his gut. The shirt he wore was already burnt and frayed from his waste to his chest, and the flesh underneath was gray and cracked. His eyes were wide with disbelief but his vision was slowly draining of any light.
The demon began to utter what sounded like gurgling clicks of some strang tongue. For the sake of the reader, it would be translated as "The time has begun short one. The infinite breath of malevolence of our creator is seeping into this forsaken world and you are witness to the start of a marvelous stage in time." The demon then threw the man down as he slowly turned to ash.

The idea behind this story will be that there are leaks in the earth alllowing hell, if you will, to enter our world. Slowly the earth will be transformed but hero's will emerge to help the remaining populace of the world in certain areas.

Shawn · 05-11-2007, 07:39 PM

It is certainly horrifying.

donteatpoop · 05-11-2007, 10:01 PM

I think your premise for this is great. Very good idea that leaves plenty of room for you to work with.

Some of the narration seemed a bit unnatural to me, though. For instance:

Quote:

As Rachael turned to run, an invisible force seized her up.

Aside from the word "up" at the end detracting from the potential horror of what had just happened, I think it would have been better to expand upon this. Remember that with horror (and most writing, actually) there should be some description of the emotions involved. For instance, what was she feeling (fear undoubtedly, but use some clues rather than coming right out and saying it: hairs standing on end, a chill up the spine, a hard swallow, a drain of color from the face, etc.)

In the same paragraph, I found this sentence to be a bit difficult to read:

Quote:

A howling began to come from the right that slowly morphed into something horrid.

How exactly can a sound morph into something horrid? A little more detail should clear this up. You could easily make it a dark smoke that takes form, or a shadow, or whatever.

Hope that helps.

cirenosille · 05-11-2007, 10:25 PM

thankyou for the comments. this is exactly the feed back i need. this is also the first writing, so i haven't gone over and tweaked anything yet. thankyou again

hideaway · 05-12-2007, 10:23 AM

Rachael began to strain her eyes as she spotted what looked to be a furry animal down the path. She wondered if it could be a stray cat or pet of some sort. As she walked closer it became apparent that the thing was no pet, but it did look furry.

You need some pointers here to tell us if it is day or night and whether she is in a forest or on the street; the "strain her eyes" tells me that it might be dark or twilight, while "the path" could be a suburban path.
The wondering about a stray cat or pet also hints that Rachael is on a suburban path rather than in a forest.
You might change "down the path" to something like "on the path ahead" or "on the trail ahead".
You probably don't need "furry" before "animal".
You might leave out "but it did look furry".
You could change "the thing" to "it".

Her eyes fixated on the object, she didn't notice the log in the path. Kicking the log and stumbling forward she caught herself and straightened out. The woman was now standing right next to the furry object. As Rachael looked down she took notice of the pool of blood surrounding what could now clearly be described as the top half of someones head. Her voice paralyzed, she slowly started to back away not able to utter a sound.

"The woman" would be better as "She".
You don't need to say "As Rachael looked down she took notice of ..." - instead you could just say that there was a pool of blood, because it will be obvious to the reader that this is what Rachael can see.
Should be "someone's".
You mention "furry" and "object" too many times in the first two paragraphs.

A rustle from a bush near by caused the woman to jump, but it seemed to be nothing but the breeze. The oddness of the silence which gripped the forest did not phase Rachael until the sound came. A howling began to come from the right that slowly morphed into something horrid. There's no easy way to say what Rachael was hearing, but that which could be discerned was the throat ripping screams of tortured souls. As Rachael turned to run, an invisible force seized her up.

Should be "nearby".
The use of "the woman" does not work here.
Although you are discussing the silence, by saying that Rachael is not phased at this point in the story somewhat contradicts the prior statement where she was so startled that her voice was paralyzed. Is she in shock or not?
Change "from the right" to "from her right" or don't mention a direction at all.
"was....screams" should be "were.... screams"
Remove "the" from before "throat".
Do you need "of tortured souls"? How would anyone know what they sound like?
Remove "up" from the end of the last sentence.

Jim was sitting in his father's old leather chair, the place he always took his naps after dinner. He awoke to his wife walking through the front door, as he usually does. Their routine was the same as every other day, he would sleep while she would go for a walk in the woods behind the ranch-style home they bought a few years back.

By saying that it was his father's chair, it makes Jim not sound old enough to be someone who would take a nap after dinner...? Leave out the detail about it being his father's chair.
The second sentence can be read to suggest that the wife is male.
"every other day" means "every second day" but you seem to be using it here to mean every day?
"a few years back" sounds too casual - maybe use "ago" instead of "back".

That's probably enough for now.