Revised Query - Writers Forum

Allen907 · 05-11-2007, 12:36 PM

First I'd like to say thankyou for the help i have received in the past.
Here is my new query and i would greatly appreciate your thoughts.

What is paradise? Mayn, Kat, and Hol have found that answer in each other and in their family. However, their perfect, paranormal summer is about to be set afire by an impossible threat.

Mayn, an old soul reborn, and his two best friends, Kat and Hol, abnormally gifted, fraternal twin sisters, are looking forward to starting their eighth grade summer break. After having repressed and controlled their incredible talents for the last ten months of school, the three friends are planning on a relaxing day of stretching out. They don’t get that chance. After a surprise visit and within a couple hours of arriving in their hotter than usual town, Hol and Kat’s grandfather is struck dead. As the rest of the town swelters under an early heat wave, Mayn, Kat, and Hol’s paradise burns under the fiery eyes of an ancient soul. In order to save themselves and their town from a strike-by-strike cull, they must use every talent and resource that they have, even if they are far too frightening and painful to contemplate using.

The Garden of Dreams is a 180,000 word, fantasy novel set in modern times. Though its three primary characters are fourteen, the themes of friendship, death, revenge, repressed memories, and burned bridges are meant for a mature audience who wants to know what lies beyond the living world.

This is of course missing the closing paragraph, but that will be crafted for each specific agent. What do you think of the meat of this query?

Cheers.

PS. Why can't i get this thing to indent the first line of a paragraph?

mammamaia · 05-11-2007, 06:23 PM

i'd dump that intro bit... you're not enticing readers to buy the book... you're supposed to be querying an agent... and they don't like teases... they want the facts... plus, it's rude to not address the agent in the opening and state why you're writing...

the synopsis paragraph could use some simplifying/clarifying, fewer adverbs and adjectives... and it's too vague... again, you seem to be trying to write a jacket blurb to hook book-buyers, not a synopsis meant to hook an agent...

and i doubt anyone will be interested in a 180k ms!... that's way too long for a first novel, even if it is fantasy... plus, i doubt 3 14-yr-old protags will appeal to the adult market, so you should stick to the YA-repping agents... jkr's success with her first hp was a fluke... an exception to the rule... stick to the rule, if you want to maximize your chances...

love and hugs, maia

Allen907 · 05-12-2007, 01:22 AM

Thanks. Your help is like a boot up the jaxy, but sometimes i need that.
How about the this, the revised revised query?

What is paradise? Mayn has found that answer in his best friends, Kat and Hol, more than a hundred years after his murder. The Garden of Dreams is a 180,000 word, fantasy novel set in modern times. It is about redemption, friendship, revenge, and what lies beyond the living world.

Mayn, an old soul with a fourteen-year-old body, and his two best friends, Kat and Hol, abnormally gifted, fraternal twin sisters, are looking forward to starting their eighth grade summer break. After having repressed and controlled their incredible talents for the last ten months of school, the three friends are planning on a relaxing day of stretching out. They don’t get that chance. After a surprise visit and within a couple hours of arriving in their hotter than usual town, Hol and Kat’s grandfather falls dead. When Mayn tells his best friends that Grandpa’s death was not naturally caused, but a deliberate attack, Kat and Hol react with a rage far stronger than their years. Mayn, terrified by the return of exactly the same rage he ran away from, tries to temper their lust for revenge, but Hol and Kat’s wisdom is also far stronger than their years. Revenge is all they have, as the only true defense is the destruction of this threat. With courage that emboldens Mayn, Hol and Kat fight along side him, but they quickly discover that the threat is an Ancient, the closest thing to a god that has ever existed. Mayn has no choice but to fight with all the rage of his century old, vengeance-laden past. Even that though, isn’t enough. In order to save the two people he loves more than anything in his long existence, he must call upon a long buried memory, but she might be more of a threat than the Ancient.

Though two of the primary characters are fourteen, the themes of friendship, death, revenge, repressed memories, and burned bridges are meant for a mature audience. Hol and Kat’s youth is an attempt to show that greatness can start at a very young age, and that the young can be looked up to. I wish I had something along these lines when I was fourteen.

mammamaia · 05-12-2007, 06:05 PM

still more likely to be tossed than read... too much wrong with it to list in the time i have... here's what a query letter for your book with maximum chance of interesting an agent would look like... you should be able to see what i've taken out and why:

Quote:

Dear Ms Jones,

As I see you are one of the most successful agents representing fantasy works, I am hoping you will consider taking on my completed 120,000 word novel, "The Garden of Dreams." Set in the present, it deals with redemption, friendship, revenge, and what may lie beyond the tangible world.

Mayn is an old soul in a fourteen-year-old's body. He and his two best friends, the abnormally-gifted fraternal twin sisters, Kat and Hol, look forward to starting their eighth grade summer break. Having repressed their talents during the school year, they plan a relaxing time of allowing them full reign. It turns out to be anything but. First, Hol and Kat’s grandfather falls dead. When Mayn tells them Grandpa’s death was not natural, but a deliberate attack, the girls are enraged and Mayn must temper their lust for revenge. In order to save the two people he loves most, Mayn calls up a specter from his past, who may be more of a threat than the killer, a god-figure known only as 'The Ancient."

Although the primary characters are teens, putting it squarely in the YA category, I believe this work could also attract adult readers. I will be happy to forward sample chapters or the complete ms on request. Thank you for your time.

Yours sincerely,

...as should be clear, you had way too much boring/repetitive detail in the synopsis part of the letter... and the whole thing must fit on a single page... you absolutely must cut your work down to an acceptable length, as well... 180k just won't go over as a first novel of an unknown writer... see my notes on that in prior post... hope this helps... m

Allen907 · 05-12-2007, 10:43 PM

Repetitive? Boring? WTF??? What you wrote ripped the emotional heart out of the synopsis. You bored me with my own creation.
Then, what's with the blatant ass licking intro? I'd be insulted, not to mention bored, if I had to read such an amateurish intro. What's wrong with the professional, get to the meat of the query, approach?
"...too much wrong with it to list in the time i have..." Then why the hell did you post anything. How the hell is a statement like that going to help anyone.
Also, I get that you don't think that 180K is going to work. Stop harping on it. I know it's big but this is a big story, one that I've worked damned hard at. It works at 180K and its staying there.
I know I'm raging right now, but I'm not going to take this back. Your critique was highly patronizing. I'd prefer to have had my post fall to the very bottom of the forum than for it to be hit with a such an uncaring, derogatory reply.

mammamaia · 05-13-2007, 07:41 PM

when you calm down and act like an intelligent adult, i'll be glad to explain what puzzles you about my suggested changes, if you really want to know...

Destroyer · 05-14-2007, 03:30 AM

You say that about the ages of the characters, but you can't always make it a YA novel. What if you have heavy violence and strong language? You can't put that on sale for kids.