Narrative Introduction I did for School - Writers Forum

dturnbull · 05-10-2007, 06:43 AM

So I had to write a Narrative for English at school (I'm 16, in Year 11), but the thing is I thought it was due weeks ago, so I thought of the idea, and also typed it (I'm quite a fast typer) in like 2 hours, but it turned out it was due till last week.

Well I got my narrative back today and according to my teacher it was one of the best in the class (not a massive class, but I'm definitely not one of the top students) and she even said it was "beautifully written".

I won't past the whole story here, but I was hoping to see other peoples opinions on the introduction, as thats probably my favourite part of the story, and the part I put most thought into.

Quote:

Sitting in the corner of the local diner was a man, alone. No one acknowledged his existence, or ever wondered why this dark figure would hide-away in this same dimmed corner, every night of the week until closing time. But if anyone had asked him, Gero Myers, he would have told them the truth. He had been betrayed, and was now homeless, unhoused, and forgotten.

And here is also the conclusion to the story:

Quote:

As the dark figure walked outside, no one even glanced at him and his tattered clothes. The early morning air made him shiver as he walked down the broken road, acknowledging no one, never saying a word, keeping his silence.

Destroyer · 05-10-2007, 07:12 AM

Lucky you. My creative writing stuff was crap. I'm not good at writing about things I don't want to write about.
It's good though. Good use of language. I'd have to read the rest of it to give a proper opinion though.

hideaway · 05-10-2007, 07:20 AM

I think it's good. It's easy to read.

The only bit I don't like is this sentence:
But if anyone had asked him, Gero Myers, he would have told them the truth.
It's clumsy where you mention his name surrounded by "him" and "he". It might be better as this (or some other arrangement):
But if anyone had asked, Gero Myers would have told them the truth.
or
But if anyone had asked him, Gero Myers would have told them the truth.
or just not mention his name until later.

My favourite part is in the second sentence:
hide-away
Just brilliant!

chris54321 · 05-10-2007, 10:48 AM

It's alright, well written to a point. Basically you clearly have a good grasp of the language, but that's only half of writing. I think you're a bit comma-happy is the only thing I'd say about the exerpt.

To be able to say whether something is good or not requires a bit more text, though. My dad has a good command of the English language but he's no writer; he couldn't plot or characterise if he was paid to do it. You may well be capable of that but I couldn't comment on it based on what you've posted.

It's a good enough start, particularly for a 16 year old, probably a bit better than what I put out at that age - but now you've proved you can spell and string sentences together well enough, go and make something with them. Write a short story and post it up so people can give you useful criticism on your writing