Lokk's Dream - Writers Forum

Charlie_Eleanor · 05-08-2007, 12:15 PM

Hi everyone. Below I have posted my newest contribution to my story Tears of the Sparrow. The entry does not require much knowledge of the background in the story, however, if it intrigues you I would ask that you visit my blog (the link is in my signature) and read more of the story.

This section helps to explain the background of a very dark character named Lokk. It is a dream he is having of his youth. I would like to warn you that it might be a little disturbing to some people, but I really wanted to go for shock value.

I am excited to see what others think. Thank you so much for your time!!::::

The air in the castle was chill. A young boy walked down the hall, his foot steps echoing off of the bare stone. When he reached the door he stopped and took a deep breath. Lokk’s Uncle had told him that this day would change his life forever. He opened the door.

Inside his Uncle and the Divinite Brahm stood next to a table where a pregnant woman lay on her back. A mid-wife held the woman’s hand in an attempt to calm her. She was deep within the throws of labor.

“Are you ready?” his Uncle asked.

“Yes Uncle. What is the test?” Lokk responded.

“The child within this womb is the spawn of darkness. The woman used a seeing bowl while she was pregnant and demons were able to infiltrate the babe’s soul. He must die upon entering this world. This you must do, Lokk. If you perform this act you will be binding yourself to me, and proving your loyalty. Do you understand?” Lokk couldn’t believe what his uncle was saying. The woman was beginning to push, and the crest of a child’s head protruded from within her thighs. He wanted to be loyal to his Uncle, but to kill a defenseless child? His Uncle saw the doubt in his face, “Know this. If you are unable to do my bidding it will be a testimony of your weakness, and that is something I will not tolerate. You will share the deathbed of this child.” With that the Uncle handed him a dagger. The crooked blade was covered in rust. Lokk looked on it with fear.

“Now! The child has been born! Now is the time to destroy the demon,” Brahm screamed. The mother was crying, “Please, please don’t. He is an innocent soul.”

“Shut up, whore!” Brahm spat, “Now Lokk, it is the time to choose your destiny. Become the War Lord you were meant to be or join the body of this infant to be eaten by the worms of the earth.”

The baby lay on the table between the woman’s bloody legs. It was a boy. He did not cry. Lokk raised the blade. Perhaps, he thought. Perhaps it is better to kill him now. He plunged the dagger into the child’s heart. In an instant the world seemed to change. Colors were dim and shadows larger. The room was silent but for the mother’s moans. Brahm put his hand to the woman’s forehead, “Now child, you have been cleansed of your iniquities. The King’s mercy is great, is it not?” The statement was not a question. It was a command.

“Yes,” the woman whispered. “All praise and honor be to the King of the New World.”

Thank you again!

rosenthalpiano · 05-08-2007, 12:26 PM

Well written, gets the point across, might be a little short. Only major grammar nitpick I could find was this:

Quote:

Inside his Uncle and the Divinite Brahm stood next to a table where a pregnant woman lay on her back.

Without a comma after "Inside" it makes it seem like ... well, I think you know what I mean.

Charlie_Eleanor · 05-08-2007, 01:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rosenthalpiano

Well written, gets the point across, might be a little short. Only major grammar nitpick I could find was this:

Without a comma after "Inside" it makes it seem like ... well, I think you know what I mean.
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Thanks Rosen for pointing that out. The dream will be explained later in the story. That is why I kept it short.

Thanks again!

WriterJohnB · 05-08-2007, 02:19 PM

I liked it. The tension was good and so was the writing. I wonder, though, if you give the stabbing short shrift. Wouldn't such an important event in a youngster's life rate more than this? In an instant the world seemed to change. Colors were dim and shadows larger.

Keep it up.

JohnB

Charlie_Eleanor · 05-08-2007, 02:26 PM

Thanks John. I will think about expounding on that.