Just a few opening sentences - Writers Forum

Argus86 · 05-06-2007, 08:55 PM

So, i've given in and finally decided to start work on my novel, though i'm very critical and unsure of my first words. Could you help me make a judgmenet on them?

Chapter 1: In Lieu of Slumber

Though many hours had passed since moon and stars did rule the sky and sun chased night away, Carl continued dreaming. He was young again and standing at the foot of his childhood home. Twilight enveloped the surrounding woodland and fog slouched upon the ground. It was dilapidated, much more than he remembered. Rotten shutters hung by single hinges on either side of the open door and chips of white paint fell like snow from its sides. So many memories in this place; so few of them good. He moved towards the house, hesitant to devote himself to a single course of action. The shadow that flowed from within it frightened him. Its long silenced voice called out to him. It creaked and moved and ached with age, and longed to be inhabited again.

Xion Night · 05-06-2007, 09:12 PM

Quote:

"Though many hours had passed since moon and stars did rule the sky and sun chased night away, Carl continued dreaming.

"Stars did rule" sounds very strange. I think it would be much simpler if you just said the stars ruled.

rosenthalpiano · 05-06-2007, 09:42 PM

It's well written and everything (with a few minor exceptions) but what I'm concerned about is that you start off your story with a dream. It might be wiser to start off with something that has basis in reality, but I could be entirely wrong because I don't know yet where you're going with this.

As mentioned by Xion, the first sentence is a little awkward. I suggest writing it this way: Though many hours had passed since the moon and stars had ruled the sky and the sun had chased night away, Carl continued dreaming.

Right off the bat, be aware that with this sentence you are establishing an omniscient point of view. The reason is that if Carl is dreaming (unless dreams function differently in the world you are trying to create) he would not be aware that it is already morning. Nothing wrong with this POV though; I like using it as well. Just thought I'd point it out though, because I don't know if it was your intention or not.

Quote:

He was young again and standing at the foot of his childhood home.

The word foot just doesn't work for me. Usually when the word is used in this way, I immediately think of something that has altitude, like a mountain or a tower. Unless Carl's childhood home was a mountain or tower, I suggest using something like entryway or entrance or gate.

Quote:

The shadow that flowed from within it frightened him.

The it can be omitted. I also suggest you show how Carl sees the shadow. Through a window? It can only add to the description, which is a good thing.

Quote:

Its long silenced voice called out to him. It creaked and moved and ached with age, and longed to be inhabited again.

After the previous sentence about the shadow, it's ambiguous what the it is referring to: the shadow, or the house? You need to clarify this somehow. Though the second sentence here does clarify it because the reader will probably figure out that a shadow wouldn't creak with age, that clarity comes a little too late because confusion has already set in.

Hope I've helped.

Argus86 · 05-06-2007, 09:59 PM

Ok, hows this, I think its a good mixture of what i would like to keep and what you suggested. I left the "foot" part in because i'm still trying to think of a better way to say it but heres what i've got so far:

Though many hours had passed since moon and stars had ruled the sky and sun chased night away, Carl continued dreaming. He was young again and standing at the foot of his childhood home. Twilight enveloped the surrounding woodland and fog slouched upon the ground. It was dilapidated, much more than he remembered. Rotten shutters hung by single hinges on either side of the open door and chips of white paint fell like snow from its sides. So many memories in this place; so few of them good. He moved towards the house, hesitant to devote himself to a single course of action. Its long silenced voice called out to him. It creaked and moaned and ached with age, and longed to be inhabited again. A creeping shadow veiled its innards and crept forth from every corner and before Carl could react it spilled out onto the ground before him. Fear seized his spine as it came ever closer.

I think thats a little more clear. Thanks for the comments thus far. Rosenthalpiano, you've been espeically helpful on every single post i've put up these last couple of days. I really appreciate it.

rosenthalpiano · 05-06-2007, 10:22 PM

Much better. I didn't think about reordering the sentences at the end, but that was very effective in removing the syntactical confusion. Only nit I can think of is this:

Quote:

A creeping shadow veiled its innards and crept forth from every corner and before Carl could react it spilled out onto the ground before him.

Get rid of the second and and just start a new sentence with Before.

ChrisF · 05-07-2007, 07:47 AM

And perhaps then change it to: "Before Carl could react it spilled out onto the ground in front of him." to eliminate the word repetition.

Rob · 05-07-2007, 08:19 AM

Honestly, I see little point in putting up the first paragraph of a novel and asking for feedback. I would suggest you get stuck into writing at this point and ask for feedback when you have something more substantial.

Cheers,
Rob

Argus86 · 05-07-2007, 10:39 AM

Such is my insecurity Rob. This would be my first novel. Up to this point i've just done short stories and poetry. So while you might see little point in putting up the first paragraph, to me it makes a great deal of sense. Aside from being a confidence booster it also helps me feel like I'm heading in the right direction.

hideaway · 05-08-2007, 09:38 AM

1. Remove the first sentence completely.

2. you mention the childhood home, then jump to woodland and fog, and then you use "It was dilapidated..." despite having jumped away from the subject of the home, so maybe change "It" to "The shack" or something.

3. why are chips of paint falling like snow?? If they were doing that all the time, there wouldn't be any paint left on the house after all this time.

4. "creaked and moaned and ached" - that might be overdoing the description.

5. remove "as it came even closer" from the last sentence.

6. write.

fiona · 05-08-2007, 05:34 PM

I'd remove the last sentence, so you could open it up some more. I like the rest a lot

chris54321 · 05-08-2007, 05:43 PM

Argus, I've written two novels now. One was 75,000 words, the other was 115,000 and I'm rewriting it so I can hopefully get it published. A few words of advice:

Don't be critical, don't look back. Just write the novel, and keep writing. You'll probably find that you'll get 10,000 words in and then you're writing a different story to the one you started, and you'll have to rewrite the beginning when you're done so it fits. Don't fret over your start, or any other part of the book, till you're done writing. Then you can rewrite at your lesuire and make it perfect. First draft, just get it written. The characters will tell the story, the plot will come to life as they do.

Writing a novel is hard work, so have no illusions about that. Once you get a reasonably long piece going, people aren't generally going to want to read it because it'll take too much time. Be confident with your writing, because you won't get much support once you're in the thick of it. But you probably won't want people to read it, anyway - you'll be aware of how the story's changed, how the language isn't quite as polished as you wanted it to be, but if you spend your time polishing what you've written instead of writing what comes next you'll never get it done.

Having said that, if it was easy then it probably wouldn't be worth doing and I don't mean to discourage you from it. Just don't worry about it too much, go out and do it. I understand that having people say your work is good is important, especially to a new writer, but don't put too much weight on it. If you write only to impress other people, you'll have a hard time with a novel.

Argus86 · 05-08-2007, 10:20 PM

Wow Chris, that helps a lot. I guess you're right. It's just hard not to worry. I don't even know if the way that i write will work for Novels. I don't seem to have the skills to push the story forward, which is why up till now i've done short short stories. But i suppose that if i didn't try i wouldn't get anywhere, and to get better i have to write, even if i don't like it.

Thanks again, your words and your encouragment have helped quite a bit!