I've finished my book. - Page 2 - Writers Forum

mammamaia · 05-10-2007, 08:07 PM

Quote:

You seem to be explaining how I can improve the actual plot outline. That's not what I'm after. I want to know how to improve the synopsis, the smaller bit underneath the plot.

huh?... the latter is exactly what i did do, isn't it?!

Quote:

that's not bad at all, if you mean it for inclusion in a query... i'd correct a couple of goofs, but overall, it's what would interest agents/publishers, imo... here's how i'd fix it:

Quote:
Jade Evett's parents are dead, she's on her own, and has just discovered she's been equipped with some rather frightening powers. Add to that, she is living a lie and her only friend is about to 'out' her. Discovering that her origins are much more exotic than she could imagine, to survive she must elude police, alien spies, murderous insects, psychotic schoolfriendsand the most feared man in the cosmos--her own father.

so, how does that not help you improve the bit?

Destroyer · 05-11-2007, 03:36 AM

I wasn't necessarily referring to everyone's suggestions. I apologise if I sounded like I was.

HarryG · 05-11-2007, 01:12 PM

The first synopsis was too long, the second one is much better. You have a good writing style and I wouldn’t be put off by unnecessary criticism, even though the critics may be acting with the best of intentions. And, what a story! Good luck with it.

Destroyer · 05-14-2007, 04:20 AM

Revised version:

Jade Evett is fourteen, believes she’s an orphan and has only one friend in the whole of London. She has also just discovered that she is psychic, and not the kind that just reads minds. In fact, Jade is the only hope to end a devastating war that no one even knows about.
After all, that’s what her creator was thinking. Now he's come to find her, and he isn't alone. Before she even knows what's happening, everyone is after Jade, from psychotic classmates to alien spies and giant insects.
But that's not the worst part. The Destroyer has come to Earth, and he's looking for her. He is the most feared man in the entire cosmos, and there is one thing on his mind: his terrifying plans for her.
Now Jade is on the run. The police have linked her to a series of murders, for which she is responsible. Her own father, the most feared man alive is after her, and her only friend wants to take her away from her home. With her new powers tearing her apart from the inside, and aliens trying to kill her, Jade is going to find it very hard indeed to keep her freedom, and her life.

mammamaia · 05-14-2007, 06:35 PM

that's much better, but it reads like a jacket blurb, not a synopsis one would send to an agent or publisher... if the former is what you want, ok... but if you intend this for the latter, you'll have to give the specifics of what actually takes place, not just hint at it with teasers...

agents and editors need to know what happens, so they can decide if the book is worth taking on, or not... they don't want to be teased to read further, as they haven't the time for such stuff... they have only the time it takes to scan your query or synopsis, to make up their minds whether to take it or toss it... don't lose your only shot at them, being cute or coy...

Cran · 05-15-2007, 12:23 AM

Hi Destroyer,
I'm glad you noted the orphan/father contradiction in the earlier version, and have moved to amend that ...

and not the kind that just reads minds. -

mammamaia is right; a bit of clarity about Jade's psychic abilities would carry more weight than a vague indication of what she is not ...

After all, that’s what her creator was thinking. Now he's come to find her, and he isn't alone... The Destroyer has come to Earth, and he's looking for her. He is the most feared man in the entire cosmos, and there is one thing on his mind: his terrifying plans for her... Her own father, the most feared man alive is after her, and her only friend wants to take her away from her home. -

"her creator" suggests she is an artificial construct ...

from looking at the earlier explanations, her creator, the Destroyer, and her own father are all the same individual ... in other words, you've used three sentences to say the same thing, but worded in such a way as to suggest that these are different characters - that kind of misdirection might not go down so well if you are successful with your query ...

Before she even knows what's happening, everyone is after Jade, from psychotic classmates to alien spies and giant insects.
I'd lose the part in red; it's not necessary ... the rest of the statement is sharp.

Now Jade is on the run. The police have linked her to a series of murders, for which she is responsible.
Again, I'd lose the "now" ... the verb sets the tense anyway ...
and the last bit is unnecessary - if you must indicate her culpability, then simplify the statement - She is wanted by the police for a series of murders.

With her new powers tearing her apart from the inside, and aliens trying to kill her, Jade is going to find it very hard indeed to keep her freedom, and her life.
This is a fine summation of her personal plotline, assuming that her "new powers" are clarified ... try and keep your tense consistent within the sentence - "Jade finds it very hard ..."

edited to add: what's still needed is the "big picture" summation - a few words about the "unknown war", and where the Earth fits into it ... ?

Destroyer · 05-15-2007, 04:20 AM

Again, revised.

Jade Evett is fourteen, believes she’s an orphan and has only one friend in the whole of London. She has also just discovered that she is psychic. She can kill with her mind.
The rest of the truth is much worse.
There is a war in the galaxy, one that the human race is lucky to have avoided. Jade is the only one who can end it and restore peace. She is a genetically engineered killing machine, constructed solely for the benefit of one man, Nallus Jenk. Now he's come to find her, and he isn't alone. Everyone is after Jade, from psychotic classmates to alien spies and giant insects.
But that's not the worst part. Jenk has a powerful ally. The Destroyer has come to Earth, and he's looking for her. He is the most feared man in the entire cosmos, and there is one thing on his mind: his terrifying plans for her.
Now Jade is on the run. She is wanted by the police concerning a series of murders. Her own father, the most feared man alive is after her, and her only friend wants to take her away from her home. With her powers tearing her apart from the inside, and aliens trying to kill her, Jade is finding it very hard indeed to keep her freedom, and her life.

For the record, the "Destroyer" and her "creator" are two different people. They just happen to be working together. The Destroyer is her father. Her creator is simply the man who engineered her. And of course I took your advice. That's what I wanted.

Destroyer · 05-17-2007, 03:44 AM

I'm going to assume that people are happy with this and that i should go with it.

mammamaia · 05-17-2007, 07:59 PM

i wouldn't assume that... it could just be that no one cares to comment further... and a majority opinion here does not necessarily mean the majority are right... or are knowledgeable enough to be right... i would suggest many corrections/deletions/improvements be made in this before sending it to any agents or publishers, but since the work has violent content, i can't help you with it...

Destroyer · 05-18-2007, 03:39 AM

Well, I'll go with it anyway. I'll let you know if they like it.