Chapter 1 - Writers Forum

JethroWashington · 05-01-2007, 07:15 PM

Story further down!!
(I messed up when first posting this peice I forgot to edit before actually posting the story so
STORY further down!!)
thanks,
Stephen

Charlie_Eleanor · 05-01-2007, 08:34 PM

I really wanted to like this, but it became so difficult to read that I stopped half way through. There are just so many typos, etc. I don't think you are a bad writer, but I do think you are selling yourself short if you don't read through your work before posting it. I hope that you go through it, make some adjustments, and post it again, because I look forward to reading it. I think you could have a good bases for something interesting.

JethroWashington · 05-01-2007, 08:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Charlie_Eleanor

I really wanted to like this, but it became so difficult to read that I stopped half way through. There are just so many typos, etc. I don't think you are a bad writer, but I do think you are selling yourself short if you don't read through your work before posting it. I hope that you go through it, make some adjustments, and post it again, because I look forward to reading it. I think you could have a good bases for something interesting.

Thank you for telling me this..
I will go over it right now .. and correct all my typos and probably redo some things..
thanks alot for telling me i am nto a bad writer :-P that makes me feel good..

Stephen.

Charlie_Eleanor · 05-01-2007, 08:58 PM

Haha, yes, you really shouldn't feel bad. I can't wait to read it once you are finished!!

JethroWashington · 05-01-2007, 09:26 PM

Ignorance is bliss they say, but I however have a different view on it entirely. Ignorance to me is a double sided coin. On one side you have a person that has the knowledge but ignores it. However on the other side you have a person that doesn’t have the Knowledge at all. Ignorance might be a double sided coin, however deceit is not. The topic of deceit is a dangerous one, it endangers lives. Deceit is defiantly intentional anyone practicing this art is not always evil when they start. In Webster’s Dictionary the definition of deceit is as fallows " A statement or act intended to deceive." this definition I believe does not go into full detail of what deceit can do to a person place or even a country. In this book I will be trying to depict what Deceit can really do. As a reader I ask you to keep your eyes open, your imaginations prone and your mind alert. For I believe you will need all three to fully capture the evilness of deceit and it’s uncanny down fall.

"Wake up John", his mother screamed, being impatient as usual for him to get up take a shower then get ready for school. John then slowly rolled himself over from his previous belly side down position and yelled back." Alright stop yelling at me I am up!" He then sat up yawned and began to walk towards his bathroom once inside he took off his black PJ's and hopped into the shower. While he was in the shower John’s mother "Nancy "( or as her close friends called her by her middle name "Steph") began to make breakfast, this morning it was eggs, bacon, and a tall glass of orange juice. Nancy then rummaged around the kitchen for ingredients, once she found the ingredient she was looking for her next action would be to methodically shake two times into the skillet and then turn around to find another. She did this a total of four times before her hand slipped then accidentally dropped a spice known as cinnamon all over her pink and white suit, at this she shouted, "Damn" then went back to cooking.

After John had finished taking a shower he heard his mother say the curse word and yelled back abruptly," that'll be 25 cents". His mother not hearing him because of his resounding position in the attic of his two story modern house (the attic being converted into a room for John) of course, John had chosen this room because he wanted to be away from his two older brothers, and one younger sister. There names were ( in order from oldest to youngest) Nick, Alford(al), and Whitney (Whit or Kate) John also had a brother that died at birth his mother , and father rarely talked about him but his name was Zachary Colton Long. Nick, and Al were both 2 years older than him (being fraternal Twins Al was a little taller and lengthy and nick was about average size and had a regular body type to match) they were 17 and his baby sister Kate was 1 year younger than John, her age was 14 she had shoulder length blonde hair, blue eye's and was a fairly pretty young lady.

After John finished drying off and combed his short, thick black hair. He then dressed himself in the clothes that he had set out the night before ( a black t shirt that read " Rock on " with a large guitar in the middle and a drum set in the back drop , also some blue jeans and red flip-flops) then he grabbed his one strapped black back pack and shouldered it. Not knowing that he forgot to put up his homework from the night before. Then he hurried down the stairs and grabbed his breakfast really fast as he shoved it down his throat he yelled a goodbye to his mom and gave her a quick hug ,then he ran out to his brother blue Honda civic that had a wing on the back and slick looking rims.

After he jumped in he found out that his brothers had accidentally put gum on there passenger side seat, and now John had it stuck unknowingly to the bottom of his jeans. Nick then started the car and began to drive out of his L shaped drive way accidentally hitting the two bushes that marked the exit; he then made his way to school. The conversation in the car was abrupt and went something like this. “Hey bro's how ya doing"? His two twin brothers then responded instantly," Good" they then looked to one another and began to attempt to land a punch on one another's chest. Al having longer arms than Nick landed the punch first and his twin became Angered then said “Drive" in a fairly loud stern sort of way.

When the three brothers arrived at school John's mind finally clicked and he realized that he forgot his homework at home .He then ran his hands down the back pocket of his jeans ( a habit that he has when John Worries) and found out that a sticky substance had been protruding from them. His friend Eric approached him and began a short greeting in which the beginning words were a simple "Wats Up?" Eric then hit John on the left arm and walked off. John however resented the fact that Eric had even touched him then he took his fist and grazed Eric's left arm. Eric being a more heavy weight type of guy felt nothing and simply walked the other direction in his slow paced walk that defined his usually jolly good mood. John however being a more slender type of guy just stood there on the checker style tiles with his hand rubbing his left arm that Eric had just punched.

A short while after the school bell rang signaling the start of a new school day. The first bell also gave way to a peculiar teacher that went down the hall ways in his green suit (that he wore EVERY day) and shouted ,Get to Class” to unsuspecting students that lingered in the hall way. However the students reacted to this teacher with laughs rather than disciplined action because the teacher had a apparent split in the pants of his green suit and his tie was missing on this day. John almost immediately became entrapped by the sudden movement of a regular school day. However the movement of a regular school day was all but slow. It included crowded hallway’s, packed staircases , and even sometimes chain linked gates the janitors had forgotten to put up from the previous night. John's day consisted of talking to friends during the 5 minute passing period and then rushing to class. During class he would usually stare at the teachers head and some times make jokes with his friends of other people or himself, but today was different in his 3rd period art class a new student was introduced to the class her name was Alice Parton . John immediately fell in love with Alice, but unfortunately love in this case was to lead to his downfall with the rest of society. The class went by fast as Mrs. Patricia taught how to make a perfect circle. John stared at Alice and when the majestic Alice took note John quickly looked the other way.

After the 1hour class ended John went up to Alice to introduce himself .He did so in a exasperated fashion being entranced by her beauty he forgot to say any words. So Alice just stared at him and then picked up his Id and looked at his name the words then flew out of her mouth like a baby bird returning to its nest after its first flight, " Bonjure John nice to meet you I am Alice " Alice took one last good look at John then ran back into the multitude of students rushing to get to class. After Alice had left John seemingly became awakened and began once more rushing off to class one hand in his pocket, the other holding textbooks. John's mind however was in a completely different place in fact he was begining to imagining him and Alice holding hands and walking down the hall together.

I redid my Story.. here it is
(i took out a whole entire like 2-3 paragrahs at the end.. but it is revised)
I HOPE YOU LIKE IT!!!
Stephen.

Andrew Carson · 05-02-2007, 03:55 AM

Well let me firstly say... what an intro! Fantastic i loved that! that got me reading.
"had a brother that died at birth, his mother and father rarely talked..."
On this bit put the commer after birth. Also not sure about all the brackets. Maybe use them everynow and again but not so often.

"fell in love with Alice," maybe try saying he thought she looked amazing or something. I just don't know about using the word love, it is strong for a first encounter. Or perhaps say he "thought" he had fallen in love with her.

"words then flew out of her mouth like a baby bird returning to its nest after its first flight," Not sure about this it feels, strange. Not sure maybe repharse it or something. Just not sure about it.

However i did like it and it kept me reading. I am looking forward to see this downfall which is mentioned in the intro and several times in the story. "Deceit" it sounds really interesting make sure i get to see it! I thought it was really well writen and WELL DONE! Also about being a good writer... you should be confident, i loved it

JethroWashington · 05-02-2007, 03:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andrew Carson

Well let me firstly say... what an intro! Fantastic i loved that! that got me reading.
"had a brother that died at birth, his mother and father rarely talked..."
On this bit put the commer after birth. Also not sure about all the brackets. Maybe use them everynow and again but not so often.

"fell in love with Alice," maybe try saying he thought she looked amazing or something. I just don't know about using the word love, it is strong for a first encounter. Or perhaps say he "thought" he had fallen in love with her.

"words then flew out of her mouth like a baby bird returning to its nest after its first flight," Not sure about this it feels, strange. Not sure maybe repharse it or something. Just not sure about it.

However i did like it and it kept me reading. I am looking forward to see this downfall which is mentioned in the intro and several times in the story. "Deceit" it sounds really interesting make sure i get to see it! I thought it was really well writen and WELL DONE! Also about being a good writer... you should be confident, i loved it

Thanks for your reply!! .. It has motivated me to actually start this project up again lol..
I just have to find my plot diagram and .. well revise it!!
but your advice is .. very helpful!!!
thanks again,
Stephen.
(P.S on my "words then flew out of her mouth like a baby bird returning to its nest after its first flight," .. Well teh truth is I usually dont use analogys and this is well my first time expermenting with them! thanks for helping me revise it though it saves me alot of time :-P .. Ill get my second chapter up next week if all goes well that is !! .. I promise you will be surprised at all the twists and turns this book will present.. Just pay close attention to the little events also the big ones then maybe just maybe you will beable to predict the characters next move :-P just warning lol)

Andrew Carson · 05-03-2007, 08:38 AM

I'am so glad that you are motivated... because well it was a fantastic peice.
you revise your diagram well becuse i am looking forward to see your next bit. Loved it mate well done Also don't worry about analogys... keep trying that is the only way to improve

J.S.S · 05-03-2007, 02:06 PM

I really liked the intro and thought it was going to go off into some kind of gangster story what with the speech about deceit, but I'm not sure the bit at the end of the intro where you brake the forth wall really works.
It flowed nicely but some bits were just to normal for me. I also don't see why the gum had to stick to his ass and I also don't get the repeating of "Alice and him holding hands" part. I hope you write more though because as I said it flowed quite nicely.

JethroWashington · 05-08-2007, 06:43 PM

so are y'all just waiting for my next post before Critiquing me ?? Cus i think i really need it lol
Any advice anyone :-P
Thanks to everyone who as allready given advice!!

JethroWashington · 05-08-2007, 09:01 PM

Chapter 2:Move
My family had just moved from Denton Texas, to Deer Park Texas. The reason for the move was because my Father was a CIA agent at the time and he was ordered to transfer so instead of moving to foreign countries or another state. He instead decided to work in Houston. When we considered living in Houston we saw the high crime rate so instead, we moved to deer park because of there “renowned” education, and forthcoming track team. In which, I was to immediately be apart of along with my 2 sisters Kate, and Anne.
The move was made in the waning days of March, and in fact my first day of school in Deer Park high school was April 1st.When I first arrived on campus I took notice of Deer Park’s oddities, which for me mainly was its larger size which I wasn’t really use to at the time because I had transferred from a little Catholic Private School named “St.Annes Catholic Private School”. The school really wasn’t all that catholic at all except for the uniforms which promoted apparently the “good” attitude of the students. This was not very apparent on me at all! In fact, I considered my self someone of a bad attitude when dealing with things rather than someone that the school would usually put out.
Well anyways my first day of Deer Park went fairly well being in 11th grade and all. In fact it seems I had drawn attention to my self that particular day. From a very interesting individual I would later know as “Honey”, “Sweetie”, or on occasion when he would wear his ridicules spiky hair due “Porky Pine John”. In fact that was the day I met John, and his renowned/weird personality… It was also in fact the day I began to lead him on, or as some would say well. Deceive him…

(P.S I hope you like it and this is just a work in progress I hope that chapter 2 will be well longer than what it is right now.. I will go on to chapter 3 which I pretty much have written but for now just ponder on some reasons I would put chapter 2 in here and most importantly of all
COMMENT!!!
Thanks a bundel,
Stephen.
BTW it is only like 324 words I am expecting to lengthen it to hopfully 1000.. :-P 1000 words per a chapter.. eh.. at least! that means i have some work ahead of me right lol? actually I lie i will lengthen it to just fill in some holes or infact I just might just lengthen it a little and leave it quite short so that the girl really isnt a full flegeded main character and i keep the view on the guy.. I dunno just give me your comments on my choices so I can be swayed to decided the best one ..)

J.S.S · 05-09-2007, 07:53 AM

To be honest I feel that this chapter is very weak in comparison to the first. It feels like you've rushed through it, the grammar needs looking over as does the spelling and I'm slightly dubious of the sentence/paragraph structure. Also I would refrain from using exclamation marks as I once read it is like laughing at your own joke.

JethroWashington · 05-09-2007, 03:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by J.S.S

To be honest I feel that this chapter is very weak in comparison to the first. It feels like you've rushed through it, the grammar needs looking over as does the spelling and I'm slightly dubious of the sentence/paragraph structure. Also I would refrain from using exclamation marks as I once read it is like laughing at your own joke.

thank you for your Critique i will go over it again and edit it accordingly.

Charlie_Eleanor · 05-09-2007, 03:13 PM

I still think this is a good start, but yes, it is a little weaker. Shows good potential as a ruff draft. Keep up the good work!