Charlie_Eleanor

Hi all! I know a lot of you have reviewed my previouis attempts at a prologue for my story Tears of the Sparrow. Well, I think I have finally come up with one that suits my desires and am ready for some of that good old constructive critisizm! I have changed up the order a bit, and I think it flows a little better. Thank you for your time!:

Enock awoke with a sore head. The night had been filled with cloudy dreams and premonitions. He decided to clear his thoughts by collecting Reezin bark for his midday tea. Of course the best Reezin bark in the area was in the Grove, but such a long walk might be too much for him. He hated to admit it, but his back and legs were not as strong as they used to be.

“Hmph!” He puffed aloud as he grabbed his cloak and walking stick. Mere age would not deter him from a walk on such a beautiful day! If anything, it would do him some good.

The town was peaceful at this hour. Only a few villagers congregated outside of the huts, and the smell of breakfast filled the air. The trees overhead shaded the dwellings from the blistering heat of day. Enock smiled at the flowers that had begun to bloom on the roofs. Their beautiful colors weaved a peaceful magic through the town of Cunaie. The people's simplicity made living there a sweet respite in comparison to the chaos that dueled in the southern reaches of Natur. The village was located high in the Northeastern corner of the Kingdom and was usually spared the political and controversial concerns of the land.

While passing through the fields, Enock began to regret his decision of walking to the Grove. His body cried out for rest as the sun mercilessly beat down upon his back. Ahead was the old tree with the strange hollow. That would provide sufficient shade. As he approached he noticed a small blue bundle within. Picking it up he realized it was a child. Her eyes were closed in a deep slumber, and her breath was so quiet that anyone else would think she was dead.

“Child,” Enock spoke softly, “child wake up.” She opened her eyes wide at the sound of a foreign voice. As soon as Enock saw the gray eyes he knew who she was. “It will be okay, little one,” he assured her, trying to conceal the overwhelming concern he was beginning to feel.

Night came upon Falca suddenly. She held the child close as the cold air traversed her clothes. Becoming aware that something was following, she glanced back, but night’s cloak concealed whatever it was. She started to run towards the farm. Her breath grew short, her bones felt brittle beneath the weight of the child, and she knew her fragile body couldn’t continue like this for long. She could hear it breathing, and realized it would soon be within eyesight. The child. A tree lay ahead. Is that a hollow on the far side of it? Yes, the baby will have a chance there. She quickly wrapped the sleeping babe in her shawl and placed her in the dark concave. Free from her burden the mother ran with a new burst of energy. Away from the child. Her breath paused in anticipation as the creature passed the tree. It did not see, and continued after her.

It was on her heals as she neared the wood. The trees waved their limbs, pleading for her to run faster to their safety. From the village only a whimper of a cry was heard, and Spearwa slept quietly in the hollow through the night.

The stillness woke her.

Perfect silence surrounded the Grove. Spearwa lifted her head from the cold packed earth and touched her cheeks where tears had left their mark. The dream had been so vivid and real. She glanced at the stream, and the cool water beckoned to her tired mind. The sound of it playing on the pebbles reminded her of rebirth and renewal. Pollen danced in the air as she removed her tunic and boots. Exhaling, she stepped into the stream. Tranquil water lapped against her bare skin, and doubt filled her mind.

No one will ever understand. Her mother's word crept into her thoughts, ‘Change is never easy.' She moved to the midst of the stream where it was the deepest, and sat down with her knees to her chin. Spearwa could feel the liquid washing the dirt from her body. It seemed to penetrate and cleanse her body and soul.

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Andrew Carson

Well let me start off by saying nice one. It is a massive improvement to the last one i read. There are bits which i think work really well. For instance Enock is great, i love the way he is old yet still determined to just carry on and not let that hold his life back. I admire that in people. Also the way that you go backwards to the woman is very nice, it just adds more drama and suspence. All in all well done and i look forward in reading your next bit!!

Charlie_Eleanor

Thank you Andrew. That is what I was hoping to hear, that it was an improvement. I have a lot more of the story on my blog (link in my signature) if you would like to read more of it. It is too big to post here.

Thanks again!

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Andrew Carson

cool i will definatly be reading that. I was taken in by the story and have to say i love it!! can't wait to read more