Prologue. 1st half 2nd draft - Writers Forum

Andrew Carson · 04-30-2007, 11:44 AM

hi, this is my second draft of my prologue. It is only the first half beacuse i want to get this bit right first before moving on. It is my first real peice of writing so all critique is welcome. Thank you

Prologue

Night once again took the city of Lyn. Light blue rays of the moon made the castle glow, peace was now at hand. Ethan stood, he was pondering on life and how things can change so quickly. He grinned to himself, if only he had gone to the west like the others, maybe things would have been different. If only he had gone with his family and his friends to safety, to peace. However that was not possible, after all he was an eastern warrior, they would not give up or let people take their land without a fight. The cold nights silence was broken.

“Ethan, you still on duty!”

“Yep, I got to go check the outer gates before I can go home.” He looked towards the gate, the golden trimmings glinting in the moons light. In these walls everything seems so safe, so peaceful. Ethan hated the thought of leaving these walls, it is not safe. Johannas looked inpatient, he was flicking a coin. The coin spinning in the air and landing, then going back up spinning was calming. Then Johannas dropped it, as it fell it made a large clunking sound.

“Come on Ethan, how am I to get completely hammered before sunrise if you have to stand ere watching nothing!” His eyes looked pleading at Ethan, so Ethan began to walk away from his post. He wrapped his black coat tighter around him, it was a cold night. He flicked up his collar and shrank into it; Johannas followed looking back towards the tavern to his right. Houses were all crammed closely together down the small cobbled streets, making it hard for someone not to notice the lack of a guard.

They walked a fast pace down the winding streets, faces peered out windows looking at what was happening. It was strange to people lurking outside after dark, it was no longer a time for peaceful walks and romantic nights Ethan turned back to Johannas, fear was in his eyes, not for himself but for his friend,

“Stay here, we are near the gate and you must not come out with me. Stay, I will be quick.” He looked at Johannas waiting for him to promise to stay; he actually started to sweat a little.

“Stay! Ha, you are crazy. Why would I miss my one chance to see the green fields again? The way things used to be, the jungle on the horizon, I fear not of what you do.”

“Maybe you should, maybe you should not but as a friend I ask you to stay.” Now Ethan’s heart was pounding.

“Fine, I’ll stay”

“Thank you” Ethan’s heart began to slow down again, his friend was a priest not a warrior. How could he protect himself? Ethan turned back towards the Gates, he shouted at the guard standing at the top. The guard looked down towards Ethan with a confused look, he pointed out beyond the fields of Yen and towards the jungle.

“You, checking out there aren’t you?” He spoke with confidence and did not even look at Johannas.

“Yep, I am sorry that I am so early …” before he could think of an excuse he was interrupted,

“Don’t worry about that! I know how you feel, but I would like you check the jungle carefully. I think I saw movement, not sure but it still makes me uneasy.” He then made a quick glance at Johannas, his eyes went cold with hatred and then just as quickly as came they went leaving his eyes a dirty brown colour.

“Of course, please could you open the gates,” Ethan stood back as the gates were opened. As they opened the world was once again revealed, showing the lush green fields swaying in the winds. The cold was getting more bitter and once again Ethan tightened his coat around him. He took one glance back at Johannas; he was a priest who still believed there was hope!

Ethan took long strides out into the night, leaving the safety of the city behind him. As he walked he could feel the grass smooth down under his feet, so long since feet have walked these lands. The grass was slightly wet with the evening dew; this made everything seem so pretty. It was another clear night with only a few eagles flying high over the fields. Ethan took time take all of this in for in several minutes he would be back in the built up city, once again he would have to stop the brawls in pubs. That was no role for a warrior, but he thought him self lucky that he had not yet had to face the fears that other warriors had.

He quickly approached the woods now. Fear crept up on him; the desire to run was slowly indulging him. This was not right, never before had such a strong urge overcome him yet as he thought this he was backing away from the jungle. It felt as though something was inside him bringing new feeling into his body. Sweat broke out he pulled out his sword and fought the mental urge to put it away. He took steps towards the jungle slowly at first but then getting faster. He brushed leaves away, he was in.

He looked around but could see nothing in the darkness, just shadows of trees. He overcame his fear and delved deeper into the jungle. His sword out in front of him, guiding the way. He was not used to needing his sword unsheathed, it felt frightening yet at the same time exhilarating. Blood pumped through his body faster than ever as took his steps into the forest.

Crack.

Ethan spun around, he could not see past his hand. He cursed himself for being so brave and started back. At first it was a walk then he found himself sprinting through the forest for his life. Fear over took him and he was just running his sword still out. Suddenly the cold was gone and he felt nothing but fear. Not the fear you feel when you’re scared as a child but a real fear a fear which is uncontrollable.

When he was close to the gates they were already opening. Several guards stood waiting for his return. Each of them with their swords unsheathed and looking nervous as if all hell was to break lose.

Ethan met them panting from his run. His hands were on his knees, bent over trying to catch his breath. The chill of the night came back with sudden speed. He looked each of the men’s faces in front of him. Guilt rushed through him.

“Don’t worry there is nothing, I just freaked out. There is nothing there” The men looked slightly relieved, but still looked scared.

“We have been ordered to check the forest anyway. We can not risk an attack.” No said anymore, they just marched solemnly out of the gate and into the fields. The guard at the top just watching and most likely praying. Ethan looked behind him to see Johannas looking at him for a second, almost as if he could see right inside Ethan’s very heart. Then he burst out with sudden laughter, he was bent over double and crying. Ethan caught only but a few breaths in between fits.

“owww… you… and then …!” he then sniffed the rest of his tears before turning and saying as if his little laughing fit had never happened,

“Right, time for a drink I think!” An other giggle then he walked towards the tavern. Ethan stood for a second wondering what had made him burst out in such fits of laughter. He then sniggered to himself before following his friend.

Charlie_Eleanor · 04-30-2007, 01:51 PM

I really think this was good, and am interested to see more. It seems to me that the prologue needs to be read over, because there are some basic things that were a little confusing. I went through and pointed them out. I like the character of Ethan. He appears to be brave, but is still a human being. I also like the tension you are creating within the city walls.

Can’t wait to read more!

PS-I didn’t mean to butcher what you wrote. I just appreciate it when people do this kind of stuff for me. I understand if you don’t want to change everything I suggest. You will never be able to make 100% of your readers happy. Still, I hope it helps. (It is so long, I am putting it in another post.)

Charlie_Eleanor · 04-30-2007, 01:51 PM

Night once again took the city of Lyn. Light blue rays of the moon made the castle glow,(<Not sure that this should be one sentence.>) peace was now at hand. Ethan stood, he was pondering on life (<This has difficulty flowing. Perhaps: Ethan stood, pondering life and how things…)and how things can change so quickly. He grinned to himself, if only he had gone to the west like the others, maybe things would have been different (Again, I’m not sure if these three thoughts should all be one sentence.). If only he had gone with his family and his friends to safety, to peace. However, that was not possible, (New sentence: After all, he was….) after all he was an eastern warrior, (eastern warrior and would not give up…)they would not give up or let people take their land without a fight. The cold night’s silence was broken.

“Ethan, you still on duty?”

“Yep, I got to go check the outer gates before I can go home.” He looked towards the gate, the golden trimmings glinting in the moons light. In these walls everything seemed so safe, so peaceful. Ethan hated the thought of leaving these walls (You don’t need to say these walls, perhaps just say them. You also do not need to reinfasise that the outside world is unsafe. That is already clear. But if you decide to leave the next statement in make sure to put it in past tense as the previous statement is “it was not safe.”), it is not safe. Johannas (Johannes Brahms is spelled with an ‘E’, but I’m sure it doesn’t matter however you want to spell it.) looked inpatient, he was flicking a coin. (Something about the following sentences is odd. I like the concept you are trying to create, but the sentence needs to be smoother.)The coin spinning in the air and landing, then going back up spinning was calming. Then Johannas dropped it, as it fell it made a large clunking sound.

“Come on Ethan, how am I to get completely hammered before sunrise if you have to stand ere watching nothing!(I guess my ‘Christian’ views make me wonder why a priest would want to get hammered. But, hey, there are a lot of Christians who get hammered all the time)” His eyes looked pleading at Ethan, (Again, I think this shouldn’t be one sentence. Perhaps: Ethan pitied the priest who had been stuck within the walls all day, so he…. Something to that extent.) so Ethan began to walk away from his post. He wrapped his black coat tighter around him, (Two sentences?) it was a cold night. He flicked up his collar and shrank into it; Johannas followed looking back towards the tavern to his right. Houses were all (I don’t think you need the word all here) crammed closely together down the small cobbled streets, (I might be ignorant, but I’m not sure how houses being crammed close together would make it easy to notice the guard was missing? Maybe there is a better way to say this?>)making it hard for someone not to notice the lack of a guard.

They walked a fast pace down the winding streets, faces peered out windows looking at what was happening. It was strange to (see) people lurking outside after dark, it was no longer a time for peaceful walks and romantic nights. Ethan turned back to Johannas, fear was in his eyes (Don’t think you need the was here…Perhaps: “Ethan turned his face to Johannas, Fear in his eyes, not for…), not for himself but for his friend,

(I think it odd that he would wait so long to tell him to stay. Wouldn’t he have said that in the beginning? Maybe add something about him realizing his friend would be in danger if he followed. Or say, when they neared the gate he turned to his friend. Something to indicate the circumstances have changed.) “Stay here. We are near the gate and you must not come out with me. Stay, I will be quick.” He looked at Johannas, waiting for him to promise to stay; (Who is sweating. I wouldn’t use the word actually. Perhaps: He started to sweat from anxiety, something that was normally out of his character…or something) he actually started to sweat a little.

“Stay! Ha, you are crazy. Why would I miss my one chance to see the green fields again? The way things used to be, the jungle on the horizon. I fear not of what you do.”

“Maybe you should, maybe you should not. But, as a friend I ask you to stay.” Now Ethan’s heart was pounding.

“Fine, I’ll stay”

“Thank you.” Ethan’s heart began to slow down again (perhaps you should say calm down, instead of slow down.), (Again, I think this should be its own sentence>)his friend was a priest not a warrior. How could he protect himself? Ethan turned back towards the Gates, he shouted at the guard standing at the top. The guard looked down towards Ethan with a confused look, he pointed out beyond the fields of Yen and towards the jungle.

“You, checking out there aren’t you?” He spoke with confidence (I’m not sure why he would be filled with confidence when he just looked at him with a confused face?) and did not even look (Perhaps just put that he ignored Johannas.) at Johannas.

“Yep, I am sorry that I am so early, but…” before he could think of an excuse he was interrupted,

“Don’t worry about that! I know how you feel, but I would like you to check the jungle carefully. I think I saw movement, not sure but it still makes me uneasy.” He then made a quick glance at Johannas, his eyes went cold with hatred, and then, just as quickly,changed back to their normal dirty brown color. (This sentence didn’t flow.) as came they went leaving his eyes a dirty brown colour.

“Of course. Please, could you open the gates?” Ethan stood back as the gates were opened (You just used the word open. This might be a good place to add some detail. Perhaps: “Ethan stood back, as the wooden gates creaked under the pressure of the chain that pulled them from their normal position”). As they opened the world was once again revealed, showing (perhaps revealing instead of showing.) the lush green fields swaying in the winds. The cold was getting bitterer, and once again Ethan tightened his coat around him. He took one glance back at Johannas; he was a priest who still believed there was hope! (something about this is odd and sudden. Perhaps: He took on last glance at Johannas; How could this man still believe there was hope?)

Ethan took long strides out into the night, leaving the safety of the city behind him. As he walked he could feel the grass smooth down under (Use beneath instead of down under) his feet, (Don’t understand why these are combined. Should be two sentences) so long since feet have walked these lands. The grass was slightly wet with the evening dew; (I wouldn’t use the word this. Instead say, “It made everything seem so pretty.” And, pretty is weak word. Maybe use striking, or something.” this made everything seem so pretty. It was another clear night with only a few eagles flying high over the fields. Ethan took time to take all of it in for in several minutes(<don’t know why you say ‘took time’ and then ‘several minutes,’ perhaps: Ethan took several minutes to take it all in.)He would soon be back in the built up city. Once again he would have to deal with the mediocre task of stopping brawls in pubs. That was no role for a warrior, but he thought him self lucky that he had not yet had to face the fears that other warriors had.

Charlie_Eleanor · 04-30-2007, 01:52 PM

(I don’t know if you should describe him as ‘quickly’ approaching the woods when he was just taking several minutes to take it all in. Perhaps: The woods seem to spring upon him, or something.) He quickly approached the woods now. Fear crept upon him; the desire to run was (You don’t need to use the word was here.) slowly indulging (are you sure this shouldn’t be enticing instead of indulging?) him. This was not right, (Suggest two sentences.) never before had such a strong urge overcome him (<this doesn’t make since. Perhaps: “such a strong urge overcome him. Yet, he found himself backing away….”)yet as he thought this he was backing away from the jungle. It felt as though something was inside him bringing new feeling into his body (<I see what you are trying to say, but it doesn’t work. Perhaps: It was like something had possessed him.). Sweat broke out (Suggest: He began to sweat again, and he pulled out his sword) he pulled out his sword and fought the mental urge to put it away (I don’t understand why he would want to put it away? Maybe there is a better way to say this?). He (may I suggest: “he forced himself to step toward the jungle. He moved slowly at first, but soon the adrenaline of the fear pushed him into a sprint) took steps towards the jungle slowly at first but then getting faster. He brushed leaves away, (I think this would be stronger if it was two sentences: He brushed the leaves away. Ethan was inside.) he was in.

He looked around but could see nothing (could not see anything…) in the darkness, (I would use the word ‘only’ instead of just.) just shadows of trees. He overcame his fear and delved deeper into the jungle. (We have already talked about overcoming his fear, perhaps leave this last sentence out, and introduce a new aspect of fear, or something.) His sword out in front of him, guiding the way. He was not used to needing his sword (just use the word ‘it’ as in: H was not used to it being unsheathed, and it felt frightening and invigorating at the same time.) unsheathed, it felt frightening yet at the same time exhilarating. Blood pumped through his body faster than ever, as (he stepped instead of as he took his steps) took his steps into the forest.

Crack.

Ethan spun around (to look at what had caused the noise, but he could…), he could not see past his hand. (Suggest, “Cursing himself for the attempt of bravery, he started back.) He cursed himself for being so brave and started back. (Suggest: Where was the field? ((Or something showing he is lost))..For an instant he went mad, and began to run franticly for what he thought might be the edge of the trees.>>)At first it was a walk then he found himself sprinting through the forest for his life. Fear over took him and he was just running his sword still out. Suddenly the (I don’t think you should put Suddenly. We knew the fear had been overwhelming him. Just put: The cold was gone…)cold was gone and he felt nothing but fear. Not the fear you feel when you’re scared as a child but a real fear a fear which is uncontrollable.

(Doesn’t feel right. Perhaps: The gates opened as he neared the city.) When he was close to the gates they were already opening. Several guards stood waiting for his return. Each of them with their swords unsheathed and looking nervous as if all hell was to break lose.

Ethan met them, panting from his run. (Suggest: He bent over, hands on his knees, as he tried to catch his breath.) His hands were on his knees, bent over trying to catch his breath. The chill of the night came back with sudden speed. He looked at each of the men’s faces in front of him. Guilt rushed through him.

“Don’t worry there is nothing, I just freaked out. There is nothing there.” The men looked slightly relieved, but still looked (don’t need to say looked here just: but still scared (and I would replace scared with frightened or something.))scared.

“We have been ordered to check the forest anyway. We can not risk an attack.” Noone said anymore, they just marched solemnly out of the gate and into the fields. The guard at the top just watching and most likely praying (<<<This is awkward). Ethan looked behind him to see Johannas looking at him for a second, almost as if he could see right inside Ethan’s very heart (<<<This is also awkward. Perhaps: Ethan looked at Johannas. The priests eyes examined him, as if they were looking directly into his heart.). Then he burst out with sudden laughter, he was bent over double and crying. Ethan caught only but a few breaths in between fits (<<I understand what you are saying here, and I like it However, it is hard to understand. Perhaps: The tension within released suddenly, and Ethan burst out in laughter. He doubled over, tears coming to his eyes as the fits of laughter racked his body.)

“owww… you… and then …!” he then sniffed the rest of his tears before turning and saying as if his little laughing fit had never happened, (Okay, I’m confused, who was laughing?

“Right, time for a drink I think!” An other giggle then he walked towards the tavern. Ethan stood for a second wondering what had made him burst out in such fits of laughter. He then sniggered to himself before following h

Rahvin · 04-30-2007, 05:06 PM

Good writing. Nothing I can really add to the criticism past what Charlie Eleanor has already pointed out. The charcterisation of Ethan is good as well, and the build-up of tension is effectively done.

Andrew Carson · 05-01-2007, 08:43 AM

thank you very much for helping me. I will certainly get straight to work on it. Your ideas are great. The laughing bit the end i will work hard to get that right and the coin flicking, aswel as the rest. Do you think the idea with the preist works? Or should i make him more serious and almost like a guide and a mentor of Ethan?

Charlie_Eleanor · 05-01-2007, 09:35 AM

At first I was like, what the heck, this priest doesn't act like a priest at all. But then I realized how 'human' is mannerisms made him, and you have to think; if the world really got that f'd up then holly people like priests would probably be a lot more 'down to eart.'

I really liked it.

Well Done.

Andrew Carson · 05-01-2007, 09:39 AM

Once again thank you, ill work on it and post the next bit up with the improvements of section one. It would be great if you could have a read because you helped me soooooo much on the first section. Anyway i will get writing and post it in the next few days. One last thing, is it too long for a prologue should i just make it chapter one?

Charlie_Eleanor · 05-01-2007, 09:46 AM

I don't know. I don't think it is about length (of course some people may disagree with me.) It depends on where your story goes from here. If this is the beginning of a chronological sequence, then I think it should be a chapter. But if you want to begin your story with something totally different, then I think this should be a Prologue. It is all up to you

Andrew Carson · 05-01-2007, 01:40 PM

well i will have to think about it because the plot is somewhat... undecided yet. Well there are two options one would leave this as a prologue and a side story or the other as a main plot. Personaly i have a clear image of Ethan now and i know where i could take it. Still, not quite sure!

Andrew Carson · 05-01-2007, 02:06 PM

ok, i have now finished the first bit of the draft and will leave it alone for a while, now the for the scond half!

Charlie_Eleanor · 05-01-2007, 02:08 PM

Yay! I don't know why but I felt like saying that.