Charlie_Eleanor

I know a lot of people do not do the blog thing, but I just wanted to let people know who are willing that I have written a tun of stuff on Tears of the Sparrow this weekend, and it came out to 12,885 words so there is no way I am going to post it. However, if anyone has the time and would like to read it I would be most appreciative of any critique you have. This is still in the draft phase so I am looking more for content critique than gramatical critiques.

Thanks you so much, and have a great night!

PS-The link to my blog is in my signature

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Mike

Charlie, I will comment first on the prologue.

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How can silence be perfect? Do you mean that there is no other noise to be heard? Or perhaps Spearwa hears no noise, not even the noise of the water streaming by..?

Grove should be lowercased.

I can't imagine a stream being very deep. When i lived in the mountains for half a year, I took baths from streams - it hurts to dive in, trust me. I can see maybe diving into a river, but a stream? There are rocks.

"Penetrated" seems to be an awkward choice of words. How can water penetrate her body? - I know you don't mean this literally; you mean it more in a subjective sense, but still....

Huh? Wait a minute. We were just there with Spearwa and then we're suddenly with a 'mother.' Is it Spearwa's mother or...? This shift makes things really confusing.

In this paragaph, you need to focus more on 'it.' You can use paragraph breaks to amplify the feeling.

You write "breathe" a lot, which is a verb when it should be the noun: breath. Maybe you mean "breathing" in some places and "breath" in others.

Another awkward transition.

"Reezin bark" - is this a made-up tree?

now it's daytime. Time is whooshing by. First, when we are there with Spearwa, i'm not sure what time it is. Then it's dark with 'the mother.' Now it's day with Enock.

For the rest of the prologue, I think it's really apparent that Enock will find the child. I found myself skipping along, knowing that he'd find it because we already know that she's there. What I think you could do is delete the previous sections and then just write from Enock's perspective. This way, we are just as surprised as he is when he finds the child.

Charlie_Eleanor

I will take your suggestions into consideration. I agree with some, but not so much with others. I think most readers would understand 'perfect silence,' but I do agree that the 'dove into the stream' thing is a little ackward. Since the prologue is a prologue I allowed it to jump around to an extent. The different time passages are seperated by paragraph borders, and each time is meant to represent a different characters perspective. All of the holes are filled in as you go through the story. I do see your point, but I'm not sure if I want this to be so easy on the reader. I think a prologue is supposed to hook you, and I don't think it being simple will hook anyone. I want the reader to say, "What the?" and then keep reading.

However, I know I will rewrite this section a hundred times before I'm finished.

Thank you so much for your time! It is really appreciated.

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Mike

Mm..sure. Just keep in mind that when the reader says, "What the," it's because they are appallingly intrigued and actually physically want to swallow the book down in one go, or they're utterly confused and proceed to skim around a little before putting the book back on that bookshelf.

My opinion is that you don't need a prologue. Really, you can fill in that information through backstory so easily. However, it's your story so you preside over its creation, not me. Just keep writing, that's all.

Paige Turner

Maybe you could say 'she slipped into the stream' because I really liked that part and I don't think you should take from it.
That is all. Carry on.

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i thank You God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

Charlie_Eleanor

Thanks Paige Turner, I like that suggestion. I also like Mike's suggestion of splitting the prologue up through the story. I might try that. Thank you both.

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Andrew Carson

I love the way you right. One thing i will say though is that when you describe her going into the water i would not use the word "penetrated" because i really like that section and it just did not seem right for me. Of course it may feel right for you but that is just me. However i loved it. As for the prologue i actually liked it! i think it added that bit of extra suspence.