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| Critique and Advice Works seeking critique, advice or assistance. |
04-19-2007, 02:50 AM
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#1
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Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 13
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Dancer (Poem)
As always, all critique, comments and feedback appreciated. Will return the favour. Please just give me a link to your work.
Yes, it is short...
passionately laying bare
the story
of another,
floodlights searing her shoulders
spins and leaps and pirouettes,
she twirls,
skin
sinew
and bone
the sound of her violent
rasping breath
drowning in the concerto
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04-19-2007, 05:58 AM
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#2
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Addict
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Birthplace of the Tudor Dynasty, UK
Gender: Male
Posts: 109
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Sorry, I know nothing about poetry. It was your handle that caught my eye. Shouldn't it be "stranger than thee" or have I totally missed the point?
Anyway, I like the poem, albeit I felt the quirky punctation was a distraction.
No harm done. I enjoyed the imagery.
__________________
I don't need an agent, I need a magician.
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04-19-2007, 06:21 AM
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#3
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Scribe
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Sydney
Gender: Male
Posts: 54
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...
Not a criticism... it seems there is something more passionate there, "passion" to open, "violence" towards the end and the dance... I think there is just a little more you need to draw out to really help us see and feel this passion. I think I know what you are describing, but I think the dancing and passion can be more powerful.
But not a criticism at all, just a point of view. PA
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04-19-2007, 03:28 PM
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#4
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Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 13
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BeyondPeru... *Sigh* My punctuation always seems to let me down but I'll work on it. Thanks for the comment. Oh, yes. My name was meant to be 'StrangerThanThee' but my friend already has that username (on a different forum) so I'm 'StrangerThanThou'.
PureAzure... Thanks for the comment and confirmation that I'm on the right track. I do plan to develop this a little more.
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04-19-2007, 06:55 PM
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#5
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Scribe
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Sydney
Gender: Male
Posts: 54
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...
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Stranger Than Thou
BeyondPeru... *Sigh* My punctuation always seems to let me down but I'll work on it. Thanks for the comment. Oh, yes. My name was meant to be 'StrangerThanThee' but my friend already has that username (on a different forum) so I'm 'StrangerThanThou'.
PureAzure... Thanks for the comment and confirmation that I'm on the right track. I do plan to develop this a little more.
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And you should! I don't know much about dance except that it is very emotive and the artist is dancing emotions and drama - perfect vehicle for poetry! PA |
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