Synesthesia

This is the first chapter of what I'm considering to turn into my first complete manuscript. The genre of the book is science fiction, since that provides a challenge but also provides such a broad space to write about. I wish for any and all comments that someone who reviews this may have, however harsh.

Thinker, Chapter One (Arrival)

“I was a mercenary,” he croaked. “These days I am one of the Thinkers. Call me Ahran if you wish.”


Erika Merin took a double take quickly, blinking a few times. The lad before her was nearly physically flawless, but his voice sounded as if it were two hundred years old. She felt a slow crawl of flesh, spooked a bit inside.


“Ah, I am Humanist Diplomat Merin, a pleasure to see your city again so soon Ahran,” she replied as calmly as one could after an emotional ripple of unease had passed through her smallish frame.


She took a step forward to offer out her hand anyways. Even if the one she was required to meet touched her wrong in some way, she couldn't back out or avoid him. She was a diplomat to the separated cousins of humankind, and for this moment her duty was to soothe the concerns of new weapons production on the next planet over.


He didn't take it, as she expected but the gesture was to show friendless anyways. A Thinker never took a hand, since it was meaningless to them. All it provided was a possible contamination if one of them carried a disease and a waste of precious body energy. Their culture was about doing everything productively, thinking constantly to advance their sciences and arts.


A moment passed between them before he merely inclined his head and she returned her hand to her side. For a brief flash she thought she detected amusement before he simply turned about and began to stride away from the landing pad towards one of their towering structures.


“I apologize for not returning your offer, Ms. Merin, but the last time I tried it was very awkward and my grip was a tad too strong,” he spoke in his cracked voice, the amusement showing outwardly now.


“First time for everything you know. Besides, our race has prosthetic limbs available,” she replied, trying to return the humored tone and taking a little poke at him in turn.


They continued along the bridge from the landing pad to the tower head of them almost silently. Merin felt her long auburn hair lifting a tad from the lighter gravity. The walk felt strange for her as if the floor was a bit uneven, she looked down and noticed a small dip in the surface of the plastic pathway.


“Pardon me Ahran, but might I ask why there is an impression upon this bridge? Surely it could not be so old that the people passing over it have marked its surface so,” she inquired, a bit curious actually and the hint of disturbance from the man's voice passing as she found a new train of thought.


“So sorry not to sooner since I believe your people don't have have 'guideline' like this,” came the voice once again as he slowed his pace some, nearly causing her to bump into his lower back.


“Guildline? What does that mean? It doesn't look like anything too advanced really...” she spoked with an air of caution, the only thing the Thinkers seemed to do that was unproductive was show pride in their works.


“True, but the thought behind it was a bit beyond normal thinking I should say,” he replied in turn, the same eeriness coming into play again suddenly.


She looked town for a moment at a motion of his finger that was making sweeping gestures from the small flightship she had arrived on towards the seemingly solid wall of the smooth white tower that was their destination.


“This depression shows us the optimized route of travel upon our pathways, it saves us both time and energy. Plus you or a Thinker will feel the difference when they set foot off of it, and for us, it is a reminder that with each misstep, is wasted resources,” came the response, though without the creepy effect on her again. She began to suspect that when she heard that it signaled nervousness or minor irritation.


The explanation was plain, and Erika cursed herself internally since she might have made a 'misstep' in idle conversation. After all, if the Thinkers had sold humanity their space travel technology, and lived in an advanced state since Earth's old nation outlines were just being drawn, why would they make anything without a point?


Their footsteps continued to plod along the guideline in silence, the Thinker seemed to feel there was no more needed conversation until they got inside and Erika felt that she had blundered in one way or anything. Thinkers did not take easy offense but during a meeting they were known to pick apart every statement afterwards to ensure their contact was being truthful and their argument on whichever issue was solid.


“Hold,” he merely stated and raised a hand. She wondered what the signal to stop was about and if he was about to send her back to Earth, empty handed and in defeat. She blinked once as Ahran's hand motioned over to the side of the bridge with a single finger.


“What do...” was all she could get out before a thunderous whomp was heard and her sight was forced to look in the direction of his pointing finger. Her heart skipped a beat from the scene far below upon the wide space between two similar towers about a quarter of a kilometer away.


Erika could not believe the sight of what she was looking upon. A humanoid white monolith, a giant robotic figure standing at least thirty meters tall had just appeared into view between the buildings. The sunlight glinted off of its plating as it seemed to look about, even right for her for a moment before breaking into a gangly walk back out of sight.


“I meant to show you one of our walkers sooner, they're mostly kept in storage and serve as our supply carrying units,” he drawled on, as if distracted by the sight of one as well.


“But... how? Our sciences tell us that something of such mass couldn't move so well or even stand for that matter!” she choked out in amazement, her own people back on Earth were just beginning to toy with the idea of such things in reality.


“Simple, Diplomat Merin, we made them out of lighter substances and as you must realize, our gravity is a touch lighter than what you 'enjoy' at home,” came the smooth response as if it were no big deal at all, even though it was a sight Erika would not forget for the rest of her life.


The sound of soft footsteps leading away alerted her that it was time to stop gaping and hoping for it to come back into view. She turned about and quickly followed after him, coming back into pace just as their neared the enterence to the tower.


A quick hiss was heard as the door actually slid upwards and out of view, as if having sensed their approach. Chilled air slid across Erika's face and exposed arms and the Thinker seemed to actually relax some before they both stepped inwards.


Diplomat Merin's voice was taken away once more for a couple seconds as she noticed the room was simply, but elegantly decorated in a style that spoke of perfection. Other Thinkers were crossing this way and that between chairs, a few standing before flat set screens upon the walls.


“Welcome to the Sector of Peace, Merin, I hope that you do not mind the mess. Our recent cleaner passed away, so the dust hasn't been removed in about a good three days,” her contact spoke in what sounded like a disappointed air.


Erika merely blinked a few times, knowing she was in for a good deal of culture shock.

BeyondPeru

Hi. You're probably wondering why no one has responded to your first chapter. I suspect the reason is because it needs a bit of work. Maybe a lot. But that's the purpose of this forum, so you've come to the right place.
Although there is nothing remarkable, or otherwise, about this opening paragraph, my immediate reaction to "he croaked" is to wonder who croaked? You subsequently introduce his name and mention that he is nearly perfect, but you don't actually provide any information to enable us to picture him. You have missed a perfect opportunity to throw in a brief physical overview of the person doing the croaking, e.g. croaked the tall, stocky young man, squeezed into a purple leotard.
"Took a double take quickly" needs a rewrite for two reasons. "Took" and "take" so close together is jarring. Also, double-takes are always done quickly, so the word "quickly" is redundant. You would do better saying "did a double take".

I suspect "nearly physically flawless" is not as elegant as saying "nearly flawless, physically" because "nearly physically" sounds a bit odd.

Well done for remembering the subjunctive after "if". Sorry if that sounds patronizing.

"She felt a slow crawl of flesh" is drifting into difficult territory. One of the golden rules is "show not tell", and you've just broken it. If you are going to tell us what/how someone is feeling, you should, at least, show us first. For example, you might say "she shuddered, feeling her flesh crawl", so we can at least picture it. Having said that, isn't the crawling of flesh just a figure of speech? Unless you can show an event, you're best to omit it, or it will be forgotten and just serve to pad out the description. And you don't want to do that.

Remember, vigorous writing is what you're after. "Spooked a bit inside" can be reduced to "spooked inside" without losing anything. But what does it mean anyway? Is it possible to be spooked, but only on the inside? Surely you're just spooked?
I suspect you need a period/full stop after "Diplomat Merin", otherwise you are joining two independent clauses with a comma, which is incorrect.

You say "she replied...as one could...through her smallish frame". You've begun with her perspective, then jumped to an undefined person ("one"), then returned to her again. I think consistency is required here.

"Emotional ripple of unease" is a little pretentious. Is that the impression you want to give?
The vernacular is fine for speech, but not for narrative. Unfortunately, you've sprinkled this paragraph with it. "Offer out" doesn't sound right. "Offer" is probably better. "Anyways" is colloquial. "Touched her wrong" is just plain wrong. "The next planet over" sounds like slang.
The comma placement is wrong in the first sentence. It should read "He didn't take it as she expected, but..."

I'm sure you intended to write "friendliness", not "friendless".

"Anyways" has no place in narrative, unless the narrator should be perceived as a young child.

"A possible contamination" is probably better as "possible contamination".

You have forgotten the subjunctive after "if" this time. It should read "if one of them were carrying..." or "if one of them were to carry...".

Incorrect punctuation/formation further means it sounds like one of them might be carrying a disease AND a waste of precious body energy, which is nonsense.

"Their culture was about" is drifting into slang.
Omit "merely", it adds nothing.

There should be a comma after "For a brief flash".

"Their" as in "their" towering structures" is too vague. To whom, or to what, do the towers belong?
You need a comma after "the last time I tried". Consider omitting "a tad". Remember, you want vigorous writing. The comma after "too strong" should be a period/full stop unless you change "spoke" to a saying/telling word.
You're missing a comma after "everything".

Do you "take a poke at someone"? Is that correct? It doesn't sound quite right to me, but that could be a regional/cultural difference.

Consider replacing "in turn" with "in return". They didn't take turns, did they?
Apart from "head", which should be "ahead", you've also tacked "almost silently" on the end, when it should be "They continued, almost silently, along..."

Alert! Alert! You've used "felt" twice. Remember the "show not tell" rule.
"A bit curious" is bloated. She's either curious or she isn't. "A bit curious actually" sounds awful. In fact, have you read the rest of that sentence? It needs to be reworded, or better still, deleted.
"So sorry not to sooner"? Are you missing a verb? You're certainly missing something.

"Your people don't have have 'guideline'"? Are you sure you've read this through?

"Once again" can be reduced to "again".

"Slowed his pace some" is colloquial/vernacular and has no place in narrative. Remove "some" and it's fixed.
"Guildline"? Indeed, what DOES that mean? The previous paragraph mentioned a "GUIDEline".

She "spoked"? Are you sure you have read this?

The comma after "caution" should be a period/full stop, otherwise you're joining two independent clauses with a comma again. It is incorrect.

At this point, I shall stop; not because of the punctuation, and not because of the grammar. You're missing something vital--a hook.

You need to present a scenario that makes the reader want to continue reading, eager to find out how things will develop, otherwise they'll begin to wonder if anything exciting is ever going to happen.

Even if you don't jump into the "action" immediately, you need, at least, to offer the promise of something intriguing. I read through to the end of the chapter, but found nothing to indicate that something vaguely interesting was planned. Sorry.

Don't worry, though. You clearly have a fertile imagination, so it won't be hard to fix.

You might also like to consider buying Strunk & White's "The Elements of Style", which is an excellent resource, and costs almost nothing (from Amazon).

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