broadwayenthusiast

My name is Michelle and I'm new. But anyways, here's an introduction to a short story I'm writing. Be warned: I am experimenting with new writing styles.
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“Do you love him?”
Silence.
It’s an easy question. Too easy. ‘Cause there’s really only one answer, and it’s so simple to lie, so simple to just smile like all the blushing brides do and nod.
It’s an easy question.
But there’s a lurch in her stomach and her forehead’s drizzled in sweat. Hesitantly, oh so hesitantly, does she contemplate this question.
No, no, no, she’s thinking. It shouldn’t be like this.
She’s eyeing the small diamond rock clasped onto her finger, and it’s beautiful, so beautiful. But the metal band is a size too small and she’s scared it’s gonna squeeze the life out of her.
It wouldn’t be hard.
“Of course I do,” she finally says, but it’s too late, too late. She’s already paused. And it only takes that one second to tell all there is, ‘cause no words could ever fill that deafening silence.
It shouldn’t be like this.
She’s wrapping herself ‘round her answer, wishing with all her heart (or what’s left of it- she’s given most of it away) that it’s true, convincing herself that this is the way it is. ‘Round and ‘round she goes, chasing for the truth, chasing, chasing, fingertips just grazing it…
“I love him.”
Oh, Jenny, you were never a good liar.

*

They call their’s a storybook love. No twists or shocking turns, no nasty revelations. The stuff made of dreams; it’s the timeless romance that all the little girls dream about.
It started in the summer of course.
Because that’s the way it always is in the movies, right? The first kiss amid sprawling gardens of greens and pinks and rouges, the sticky perfume of flowers hanging thick in the air. And the wind slowly, seductively caressing their backs.
A storybook love.
But it isn’t so perfect, is it? No, not really, not once you get past the façade she’s built so carefully around herself. ‘Cause she remembers the first kiss, remembers it with fuzzy clarity. She remembers wondering why she hadn’t heard a crescendo of vivid, melodramatic music cresting into sweet, sweet bliss when their lips had touched, why she hadn’t melted into his arms, warm and loving. Remembers the suffocating heat and the drone of bees humming in her ears. Remembers the sickly sweet smell of flowers pressing in against her until she could hardly breathe.
And she remembers his closed, tight lips pressed roughly against hers, how her stomach had jumped from nerves rather than passion.
Has it been a sham from the beginning? She thinks. Has it all been a lie?
But no, no, no, that can’t be. It’s always been a perfect romance, remember? No angry bickers or secrets to hide, nothing, nothing at all. Just Sunday morning traditions of coffee and toast, crumbs on the bed, flashes of smiles and quiet whispers of I love you’s.
A storybook love.
She laughs.
Yeah, right.

*

Her fingers lightly brush the rows of silk and lace and pallid chiffon. She walks through the store empty of thought, her vision blurred with white and cream and all the shades in between.
It’s like hell.
‘Cause it’s finally dawned on her: she doesn’t want to do this. Doesn’t want to walk down that aisle.
And what’s worse is that she’s known all along really; she was just too damn stubborn to admit it.

morc44u

I really enjoyed reading some of your figurative language, especially the wedding ring

Quote:

a size too small,

and the “hellish”

Quote:

rows of silk and lace and pallid chiffon.

I did notice a segment where pronouns are needed:

Quote:

Remembers the suffocating heat and the drone of bees humming in her ears. Remembers the sickly sweet smell of flowers pressing in against her until she could hardly breathe.

Please correct me if I am wrong, but I think that the idea of the next sentence was to shock the reader out of the lovely scene painted above. This could be accomplished more effectively by describing the husband's lips with adjectives such as “icy” or “clammy.”

I really like the way you described the bride answering the “easy” question. This method is very effective at evoking emotion in your audience. I never really thought about it before, but it is amazing how much can be said (or not!) in one fleeting second! Nice job.

broadwayenthusiast

Thank you so much for your response! ^^
Any critiques are very much welcomed.

As for the pronouns: I did do that on purpose, but I have considered changing it since I know it sounds weird. I'll see what other people have to say about that first.

Michael Crouch

The sentence structure was short, but it worked extremely well with your use of description. It made the piece feel airy, and it flowed very well. Easy to read. Like the style.

General critisim - I think you are over-emphasasizing some of your points in the story by using the same word over. It's not needed, and I would suggest that you just need to re-word some of your sentences to stay true to the style of the piece. The extra words are not needed to maintain that. (if that made sense to you)

example:

Perhaps saying something like "It's an easy question. As simple as can be" would be a bit better
For this one I would just suggest getting rid of the "oh so hesitantly" altogether, or perhaps inserting a metaphor such as "Hesitantly, like a mouse, does she contemplate this this question.

Those are a couple of the them, but I'm sure you get my point. I'm not saying it's wrong to do that, I just thought I'd offer my own perspective.

Enjoyed the read!

I Idiom

I liked it a lot -- yet at the same time -- I thought the style was somewhat paculiar. Almost trite in some kind of trendy way.

It was good, maybe better than I realize because of my dislike of the style. Meh, who am I to say such things.

Well done!

broadwayenthusiast

Yeah, it's supposed to be a different writing style. Thanks for the feedback!

I would love for some more critique though.

I Idiom

Hm, I read it again and was more taken this time. I dunno, I think it is a great piece. Its short, but it gets done what you're trying to get across -- and does it well in my opinion.

The generative grammar is a bit funny to me sometimes, but I guess its the style that you're going for. Also, its a bit clumped sometimes.

Its hard for me to say more because I think you did so well with what you wanted -- aimed for. If anything, I'd say make it longer and add more of her thoughts to it. But again (that ive said several times) the point was well done.

Sorry I can't help you more ;_;

Gunther

Oh that's good, I liked that one. One spot that irritated me slightly was you use the phrase "Hesitantly, oh so hesitantly" then you used the phrase "beautiful, so beautiful." I felt that was slightly redundant, but otherwise this is good stuff!

broadwayenthusiast

Thank you very mcuh I Idiom- and this is of course just the beginning of the story. So there will most definately be a longer version =)
And Gunther- now that you mention it, it bugs me a bit too! I'll fix that.

snorrie

I can't say I care for the writing style. But then again, to each his/her own. I know you said you're experimenting so cudos to you for breaking out of your mold. I've done it a millions times and I am now just feeling a sense of home for my prose. I guess we continuously evolve and those who don't are doomed to mediocrity. Of course, there are those who instantly find their nitch and don't need to change anything. How unfortunate I am not one of those snobs. As for the theme, I think it's been way overdone, like stick a fork in it, its done. What subject isn't? I'm not sure how you'd remedy this problem. Perhaps you're just testing a different writing style and you don't give a rat's bum about the subject. Either way. Good luck. Keep writing. Just to clarify my distaste for the writing style, Gunther has hit the cliche nail on the head.

broadwayenthusiast

I agree, it is an overrated subject. But the angst and confusion the bride is feeling at loving another man (which is the reason for her indecision... i havent written that far yet) who is not her fiancee fits well with the writing style I'm experimenting with. But believe me, I usually dont write like this! =p

snorrie

Well, keep writing. Maybe I'm off base on this one. Who knows. Good luck.

I Idiom

I disagree that it is overdone. It rekindles thoughts and the imagination of placing yourself in that situation or maybe something like it. We've all had worries and doubts if you have been in a long relationship -- its something, someone, somewhere, is going through right now. It is the human creature it reflects upon in some small way -- that never truly gets old (why do you think there are ka-jillions of love stories from the dawn of writing... yeah, I said ka-jillions o_O ).

Anything that makes you look back on your own experiences is something worth playing with.

Loulou

This is a very easy-to-read style. I know a lot of female friends who would enjoy this - a light, chatty read, on the beach maybe. You know your audience and aim right regarding them.

I admit it might not be something I'd pursue further but I wanted to comment because you said you're experimenting and because I think you do it quite well. You can certainly write.

It is a little twee in parts, cliched as some have said, so perhaps work on those bits. The 'oh so hesitantly' and 'so, so beautiful' lines are examples. I cringed a little at these. But your audience might not, so who knows?

I mainly added comment as I started out this way. My weekly column is 'chatty' and aimed at working mothers. Years ago I was called 'twee' by a reader on the newspaper letters page. I was horrified. The last thing I am or wanted to be. I developed my work from something I thought I should be writing to please the reader... and started pleasing myself a little more, took some risks, wrote more honest and controversial stuff. It paid off. My editor recently took the time to tell me he'd seen my column grow and improve, the voice in it become more confident.

There's a big market for stuff like this Michelle, so good luck to you.

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trifthen

All in all, very, very good. Don't let anyone tell you to avoid repeating words. I agree you might have done it too frequently, but in many of the situations in this piece, it introduces a careful lilt, which fits the overall style better. I did see one thing:

Your first "They" is unqualified; is it the couple, friends, family, others? Also note there should be no apostrophe in "theirs."

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