"My Lady Lisa"- Story Introduction (241 words) - Writers Forum

morc44u · 04-15-2007, 09:27 PM

The Mona Lisa is far more erotic than a Playboy centerfold. Her supple, gently curving brush strokes impart a taste of refinement upon the canvas that far surpasses the plastic façade worn by “Miss March.” Lisa’s smile entrances me, for I never can quiet tell if she is smiling and happy to see me, or sitting coldly waiting for me to depart. The subtle shading techniques on her face makes it nigh impossible to tell whether the shadows caressing her lips are the result of her smile, or if the smile is a result of the shadows cast by the flickering candle at our dinner table. The only way to find out would involve a sensory experiment of a different type….

“Monsieur, the museum is about to close. Would you like some assistance in finding the exit?”

A deep sorrowful breathe exits my lungs. “That would be very kind of you,” I reply. I remove my large glasses from my pocket and ever so gently place them over my eyes. I walk slowly, with trembling legs and creaking joints toward the exit. My left arm is softly cradled in the crook of the attendants elbow, and my right arm gently sweeps my long white cane in an arc ahead of me. Its clicks and taps echo dully down the cavernous hallway, and a final sigh escapes my lips like a dove gliding on the morning breeze.

“Until tomorrow, my lady Lisa.”

BillinNC · 04-15-2007, 09:43 PM

Well it's different from anything i've read... a bit confusing in the beginning but it makes a little more sense towards the end. I am curious as to what happens next...

valeca · 04-15-2007, 10:47 PM

You'll rarely see this from me, but I really liked this. You've enticed me.

If you post more of this, post it in the Writer's Workshop forum and drop me a PM if you wouldn't mind.

tearsstream · 04-15-2007, 11:01 PM

awesome job. the first statement pulled me in, and the rest held my interest well. the writing flows well like good published work, and the images and emotion this invokes are forceful. I feel sort of sad for the man

anyways, it's really good. PLEASE post more of your writing. there's not enough like it here.
-tearsstream

Michael Crouch · 04-16-2007, 07:22 AM

It's rather interesting in terms of an introduction. It's a highly descriptive piece, unique as well. Have to give you unique. I would need a longer piece to provide you with better critique though.

WriteStuff · 04-16-2007, 06:53 PM

Interesting first sentence, interesting concept, I would read more.

mammamaia · 04-16-2007, 07:28 PM

intriguing concept... needs polishing, to correct flaws here and there, but the writing shows promise, despite them... am left wondering what this can possibly be the 'introduction' to...

love and hugs, maia

morc44u · 04-17-2007, 12:03 AM

Thank you all very much for taking time out of your busy schedulse to respond to my work! I would really appreciate some specifics on the flaws that need to be corrected.

snorrie · 04-17-2007, 12:31 AM

I know the rest have said this piece entices them but it doesn't do much for me. I guess the first sentence ruins it for me. The Mona Lisa being compared to a centerfold is like comparing apples oranges. And maybe not even that. I get the feeling that your trying to be like a shock jock--Howard Stern. Good luck in your endeavors.

gettingitwrite · 04-17-2007, 10:40 AM

I like it. There are a couple flaws - quite instead of quiet, breath instead of breathe.

I might also suggest simplifying your language a little bit. There are some words that you could eliminate to tighten it up. One example might be to remove "ever so" from sentence ten. I'm also not really keen to the use of "nigh."

Read it over and ask yourself what is imperative to your story, but what is not at all necessary.

I hope this helps a bit. It's really an outstanding start. Your lead sentence gets my attention right away, and the last sentence makes me want to continue reading. Keep up the good work!

Loulou · 04-17-2007, 10:56 AM

I didn't like the opening sentence. You immediately tell us what we should find out through suggestion/description/characters in the whole piece.

I like your idea, I just don't think that it works the way it's written - but you could tidy that up. Too many adverbs I thought - gently, slowly, dully, softly, some are used twice in this short space.

mammamaia · 04-17-2007, 06:43 PM

just a few:

Quote:

The Mona Lisa is far more erotic ['to me'?] than a Playboy centerfold. Her supple, gently curving brush strokes impart a taste of refinement upon the canvas [borderline gibberish] that far surpasses the plastic façade worn by “Miss March.” Lisa’s smile entrances me, for I never can quiet [typo?] tell if she is smiling and happy to see me, or sitting coldly waiting [scrambled syntax] for me to depart. The subtle shading techniques on her face [makes little sense... change 'on' to 'in' and it might be closer to working] makes it nigh impossible [misuse of a common expression, 'nigh on impossible' or 'well-nigh impossible']to tell whether the shadows caressing her lips are the result of her smile, or if the smile is a result of the shadows cast by the flickering candle at our dinner table. The only way to find out would involve a sensory experiment of a different type….