Derrick

Hello to those who participate in these forums. My name is Derrick, and I'm new to these seemingly complicated and diverse forums. I like to get right down to business, so here is my first writing I wish to share. Its a piece to a small project I'm working on individually, and I'm planning on creating 15 pieces, this being the 10th. Don't worry, my writings are usually short, so you can read through and comment on my stuff without too much difficulty. Anyways here it is.

"The Summation of Tomorrow"

Vibrating echoes of the stalking feet keep littering the silence with audibility. Alleyways of narrowing blackness pierce the backdrops of buildings, parallel in nature's terms. Our sky is lush in deep gray, compressed clods sprawl their drift innate. Crumpled leaves composed of cast iron pollute this ground in burgandy, before foiled with dullness. The wind chills become so sharp that it leaves a feeling of homelessness at the origin of your heart. Waterfalls pour from the rooftops languidly, almost hesitant to not enrich their purities with disease upon our touch. Yes, we are stained and corrupt, not even remotely intrigued by the listless life ambient amongst us. Color is absent of place in this environment, otherwise sickly with an epidemic plague of yet not named. A spree of ravens contagious with chanting, glide freely above our dejected heads. Their winged limbs soar them far beyond what our bloated eyes were programmed to see. We herd our wistful bodies towards the destination of which not glorified, the stubborness to fulfill still goes unbroken.

Amongst us, words become mystic legends due to the mute voices that clutch our throats. We ponder casually and deeply, but speak nothing in fear of rejection for believing so. Our hollowed out hearts ceased their rhythmic beatings, for they are labored in heaviness from day-to-day emptiness. Souls in each of us are lethargic and bound in cryptic suspense, foreign outsiders are too naive to relate. Our faces stay captive in bland normality, and defying alteration will go uncaringly unnoticed. Expressions are virtually extinct, too bombarded by the continuous changing of times to reoccur and find a defining place in this world. Chaos seems to be the underlying theme to this keyframe that keeps repeating itself over and over again. The monotonus routine of which we ritually complete is simply impossible to dismantle, since having no routine is a routine in itself. This is the imprisoning mentality that keeps us binded and in fear of change.

Of the otherworldy, is the exact opposition to what we live. We view it as a blatant rainbow that won't even die in the darkness of nightfall. That existence is cosmos, meaning that everything is practically based on the maintenence and upkeeping of a conspicuous livelihood. Feelings and thoughts in that world are indistinguishable, because the fragile line between them blurs once they acclaim their astronomical pinnacle. Even once everything is complacent, it still doesn't make any rational sense to us how that level of fundamental stability is even distantly possible. The foundations there are constructed by infatuation, believable lies, tenacious norms and limitation of the human mind. Its difficult for us to imagine a place so ignorantly associated with bliss, to be obliged to conformity in the pursuit of happiness. The finality to that disasterous chase will begin the annihilation of what they've so restlessly built, since all climaxes must be extinguished to maintain order. And order is what they are ultimately attempting to achieve.

This is the summation of tomorrow. Its our dreamlike premonition of now vs what will happen if we loosen or resistance to change. Survivalism is of utmost importance, since we will most likely lose who we are in the struggle. I will not allow that to happen, that....is absolute

nineteen

it's good. it rambles a bit too mcuh. some intersting points but made in a bland way. your tone is sharp and gritty which i like but there's no plot or clear line of thought. you just go on and on with no climax.

well written and intersting though.

__________________
(Please don't take my advice too seriously)

Oh Vanity, thy number is 19.

Derrick

nineteen: You are right when you say there is no plot. This isn't a story by any means, its simply a vision that I dreamt up. Also, I felt a climax wasn't necessary because of the subject matter I was addressing, and the way I wrote it. I'm purely an imagery writer...if there is such a thing. Still, I appreciate the comment...

Cran

Hello Derrick, and welcome ...

Without knowing what your project is,
or how it fits into the scheme of things,
I can only say that I think you are trying too hard to impress with vocabulary ...

You are using way too many dry words without saying much,
to the point where much of it borders on nonsensical ...
now perhaps that is your intent?

For me, as a reader, your line:
sums it up, I'm afraid ...

__________________
"I don't know ... I'm making it up as I go ..." - Dr I Jones

Nature abhors perfection - cats abhor a vacuum!

nineteen

ye, but in what way is that a gripping peice. ok, be an imagination writer and write dull stuff. or be a good writer and craft amzing, gripping stories.

you're not the first to come here and throw down some bit of "thought-provoking" nonsense. i'll be blunt, rather than try to be nice as before, it's boring. yes ok the world is bleak and we all are clones of each other etc. but you can't just SAY it.

implie it. your flashy methaphors dont' add anything, they confuse and fill my head with images that don't go together. this peice bores and has no point, i can't imagine a competition that says "write a dull thing about how crap life is."

so for god's sake pls at least hav some line for my mind to follow. tie it together, keep it intersting. ask me a question. give a powerful statement. write about somthing we care about!

sorry i'm in a bad mood. if you want to yell at me then PM me.

__________________
(Please don't take my advice too seriously)

Oh Vanity, thy number is 19.

Derrick

cran: Whoops! "Clod" was supposed to be "clouds"! Sorry for the misleading typo, because I'm sure that might have sounded awkward at first. My intent was to give a drab painting of what I was saying in your head. It would be odd if I described such a morbid theme in a more optimistic way. I realize that I tend to have small points under a microscope, which is something I've always done with writing.

Derrick

nineteen: Yell at you? I'm actually confused by something. Why would you say its "well-written and interesting", and then say its boring? If I had to say one remotely mean comment it would be this. I could careless about what you "care" about or what you want to hear upon reading something. I think true writers write for themselves, they don't write to please or dazzle you in ways you haven't been impressed before. Personally I hate the norm of people writing for the soul purpose of trying to "please" the reader. That puts you in a playground in which your goal is to meticulously construct something that you might not even like when you read over it again. But, if you don't like this particular piece, then that's no problem for me.

nineteen

that's exatally what i thought you'd say. you sound like you write for yourself. there's been a few of them too. well that's fine by me. but personally i write things people will enjoy.

did you ever read a book? you don't sound like you read much. if someone wrote a whole book in your style, very few would read it. there would be people that read it to pretend they were intelligent or "Deep". but ok then.

before i was being supportive cause you're new and i love the forum. i like reading the things new people post, you get some very intersting things. but trust me, my first comment is the best you're going to get.

so let me ask, if your not writing to please people, then why are you writing for a competition? surely the idea is the please the judges.

your story lacks punch. it's dull. but you write really well! and it annoys me to see peolpe wasting thier talent/time writing dull crap.

i used to write like you, then i started reading books and i leared how to make a good peice of writing.

but good luck, keep reading the forums. you'll maybe feel the same way i feel. i'm sorry we could have got off to a better start.

__________________
(Please don't take my advice too seriously)

Oh Vanity, thy number is 19.

Cran

I guessed that you meant clouds ...
yes, the drabness comes through ...
it's a disturbing picture of an unhappy society ...
but it's not an original concept,
and it could be more clearly presented in half the words or less,
without sacrificing much detail ...
optimism doesn't enter into it ...

the onanastic view of writing? ... if you believe that "true" writing is all about self-gratification, why are you here and posting your private pleasures?

If that is your view of writers and writing, again, why are you here?

__________________
"I don't know ... I'm making it up as I go ..." - Dr I Jones

Nature abhors perfection - cats abhor a vacuum!

Derrick

nineteen: Three more things for me to address briefly. I came to this forum strictly for writing anything that popped into my head, threw it away, came up with a better premise...and then went with it. I'm not here to even compete for anything at all, its just simply me presenting my work and gathering various opinions. You will never see me come here seeking praise or advice, because every last detail involved in the writing or revising of it, is all of my responsibilities as the writer. Pleasing other people has been an absolute no-no, something that would dishearten me if I attempted to do such a thing.

I actually don't read that many books. Right now though, I just took up some interest in books because as they all say, "it allows me to escape from reality". I get sick of reality, so books serve as my sanctuary from the day-to-day. Now, I'm reading "New Moon" by Stephanie Meyer....the sequel to "Twilight.

Again, it's not a story, but instead one big drab, bleak image that came into mind one day. I don't mean to be an ass, but if you wish to read about sun-shiny stories that grip you then I'm not the writer for you. We did get off on the wrong foot, but that doesn't mean I hate you. I just disagree strongly with some things you say.

nineteen

you do sound just like me. the escaping reality thing.

but if you're not here to write somthing we care about then why are you here? just for laughs?

so you don't want anyone to read your stuff? fair enough. i mean i'm sure you could spend your life writing and keep it to yourself.

but PLEASE get real. what's the point of writing if other's don't like it? honestly. i mean you may cinsider it shallow, but that's what it is. your story's not imaginative, not original, not gripping. it's been done 1000 times, and i can give you links to several threads on this forum alone with things like this.

but you prorobly don't care about being original. and i feel like i'm stifling you, which i shouldn't cause you don't know the fisrt thing about writing, apart from how to write a flashy mathaphor.

grow up, read books. if you still want to write for yourself after that then keep going.

i read this to be polite to the a new person. so now you can read my stories and give me your honest opnion.

i don't want to argue, i don't like to argue. plus the moderators will kick my ass. so i'm saying no more on this thread. i've said my peice. keep writing and good luck.

__________________
(Please don't take my advice too seriously)

Oh Vanity, thy number is 19.

Derrick

cran: Is it wrong to share my personal pleasures? I share them because they are very interesting things to me, even though you say its boring....which is ok. When I ask for your opinions, I'm expecting a comment regarding the first impression of my work. Its true that I write purely for self-gratification, but that doesn't mean its wrong for me to share my thoughts. For example, Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails is notorious for making albums completely different from what the fans want or were expecting. Is he dumb for making a record for himself, and releasing it for his appreciation for what he does? Its the same idea with this, and all the rest of my work. If it bothers you that I am that way, then I'm sorry because I'm being honest as possible here.

snorrie

Sorry, just couldn't get into it. It rambles too much. I'm sure there will be those who enjoy this, but it's not my cup of tea. Good luck. Keep writing.

Cran

Not wrong ... I simply asked why you'd bother if you could care less about your readers ...

Well, you have three so far ... but again, why bother if readers' opinions don't mean anything to you?

So far, Derrick, you have been the only one to make self-directed accusations of "wrong" and "dumb" ...

I don't care if you are right or wrong, or intelligent or dumb ...
I care about the quality and readability of your presented work ...
I care about the flow, the structure, the message (if any) ...
I care about its ability (or lack thereof) to capture an imagination and hold it ...
I care about whether it can or should make someone think,
not about you or your motives, but about what's written ...

A piece doesn't need to have a point, a message, an end ...
it can be appreciated for its intrinsic beauty and flow ...
it doesn't need to be sweetness and light, or morbidly dark ...
it needs to be interesting ...
it doesn't need to be defended if it is well-written ...

__________________
"I don't know ... I'm making it up as I go ..." - Dr I Jones

Nature abhors perfection - cats abhor a vacuum!

mammamaia

sorry, but i have to agree with cran and snorrie, as well as with much of what 19 had to say...

you seem to be too impressed/obsessed by/with big words and have a need to show off your self-perceived knowledge of them... if you write only for yourself, that's ok... but if you want others to enjoy or be interested in what you write, it's an exercise in futility...

i can see you don't want to hear the awful truth and will resist accepting it, to the death... that won't make it any less valid... if it's any comfort, that's a common aspect of being very young... hopefully, you'll grow out of it...

love and consoling hugs, maia

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