fifteen minutes rewrite(200 words) - Writers Forum

snorrie · 04-12-2007, 07:02 PM

I haven't posted anything for months. Here's a revision of a short story I was working on. Any comments would be greatly appreciated.

The clock read eleven forty-five, fifteen minutes before his ordeal would end. Alex had secluded himself in his basement apartment a month ago. He didn’t provide an explanation to friends or family for the sudden departure from society, only that he had no intention to communicate with the outside world for an indefinite period of time. The less anyone knew about his plan the better his chances for survival. Fifteen minutes.

Alex was on his back, hands laced behind his head, watching people walk by his only window. Their legs were visible, dressed in pants, dresses or short skirts. He enjoyed the short skirts. Once in a while he’d glimpse a thong or laced panties, his only pleasure for the last thirty days.

There was no curtain on the window so the heat was almost unbearable. The mattress he was lying on was his only real comfort. He’d burn the sweat-stained thing first thing when he finally allowed himself to leave the apartment. His friends sure wouldn’t help. The stench was quite horrendous. He knew so. When he could smell his own sourness, likely it would be ten times worse to someone else.

forcedkeystroke · 04-12-2007, 11:53 PM

Well right now all I have to say is write more!

This started out alright and you didn't offer too much to read... write more

(I can critique you later

)

I Idiom · 04-13-2007, 03:20 AM

What the above poster said!

snorrie · 04-13-2007, 03:49 AM

I know the piece was short guys and what I've written so far isn't much to go on but what I'm looking for is the imagery and clean prose. I will be writing more hopefully if I can find the time. Thanks for commenting.

I Idiom · 04-13-2007, 04:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by snorrie

I know the piece was short guys and what I've written so far isn't much to go on but what I'm looking for is the imagery and clean prose. I will be writing more hopefully if I can find the time. Thanks for commenting.

Well, if forced to comment on what was there alone I'd say it was a solid piece. The imagery is fine for what little info is there (and I only mean that by length of post and not description) and places you fairly well in the environment.

Other than that its just personal taste. I would have made it a bit more personal. But that again, its opinion.

Example of what I mean:

"There was no curtain on the window so the heat was almost unbearable. The mattress he was lying on was his only real comfort. He’d burn the sweat-stained thing first thing when he finally allowed himself to leave the apartment. His friends sure wouldn’t help. The stench was quite horrendous. He knew so. When he could smell his own sourness, likely it would be ten times worse to someone else."

There was no curtain on the window so the heat was almost unbearable -- I always hated summer. Maybe next time if I ever pull a stunt like this, I could bother to bring something more then a matress. A small TV and a mini cooler would be nice, at least that way I could stick my head in it. Damn I hate summer.

Blah blah blah

Slipping into first person attaches more to the characters thoughts and personality (obviously) after you have set the scene... which by the way I thought you did well. But, like aforementioned, thats an issue of personal taste, hee hee. Which is why I didn't bother to put that before.

snorrie · 04-13-2007, 12:05 PM

Thanks for the comments Idiom. I've been toying with my prose for the last two years and I think I'm beginning to find it. I'm always experimenting and if you want to see the original piece, look up "Fifteen minutes". You'll see it's quite different. My sentence structures are quite short and punchy. I need to take all my different writing styles and put them together and then I think I'll have something. Still growing as a writer, as we all are.

Blossom · 04-13-2007, 12:18 PM

I liked it. As was said before, it is a solid piece, and it flows very well. I do have a few comments though.

Quote:

Originally Posted by snorrie

Alex had secluded himself in his basement apartment a month ago. He didn’t provide an explanation to friends or family for the sudden departure from society

First, since you used the past perfect - "Alex had secluded" you should then continue with the past perfect in the next sentence, rather than returning to the simple past - i.e. "he didn't provide" should really be "he had not provided". But that's from the picky dept.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Snorrie

Their legs were visible, dressed in pants, dresses or short skirts. He enjoyed the short skirts. Once in a while he’d glimpse a thong or laced panties

This is also from the picky dept., but since this is a basement window on street level, from where (I imagined) he's situated, wouldn't he be unable to see anything above the legs?

Quote:

Originally Posted by snorrie

He’d burn the sweat-stained thing first thing when he finally allowed himself to leave the apartment. His friends sure wouldn’t help.

Final couple of things - again, me being picky, but the repetition of "sweat stained thing first thing" gets on my nerves. Also, the "friends sure wouldn't help" kind of confused me. I was thinking "well, why?" until I read on, so possibly it might be better something along the lines of, "His friends wouldn't want to help, that was for sure.".

Anyway, that's just some things I picked up on. Hope it helps. I liked it, anyway.

snorrie · 04-13-2007, 12:40 PM

Thanks for the comments bloosom. Your points are solid and I will be sure to go through this again. It's only the beginning and I hammered it out in a few mintutes. I haven't posted anything for quite some time as well, but I'm getting the itch to write again. Well, I always do but I can never seem to find the time anymore. Damn grownup responsibilities!

I Idiom · 04-13-2007, 01:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by snorrie

Thanks for the comments Idiom. I've been toying with my prose for the last two years and I think I'm beginning to find it. I'm always experimenting and if you want to see the original piece, look up "Fifteen minutes". You'll see it's quite different. My sentence structures are quite short and punchy. I need to take all my different writing styles and put them together and then I think I'll have something. Still growing as a writer, as we all are.

My my my, don't be so hard on yourself! It was interesting to me and I will check out the original piece. You did will.

Needless to say, Blossum made a myriad of good points that I chalked up to opinion on style. So make sure to give an extra thought to them.

PS: No need to thank me for commenting, it was a pleasure.