felishous

Sprays of aubergine and placid gold littered the ground; leaves of an undecided season. A melodic, sallying breeze kissed ruddy cheeks under the royal gaze of a slate blue sky. Brash feet hastened over tangles of twigs and kicked up clouds of dust as they trampled through the all-terrain conditions of Nerveux Road. There he is; don’t trip! Rumbling lopes eased to anxious scurries, and the drum of an agitated heart beat low and steady. Don’t make yourself look like a freak. The pursuer faltered as the pursued, a lean boy of chiseled features, bearing a smug leer, eased himself onto his heels and pivoted about to face a flushed grimace of gratitude. Look into his eyes… those fabulous, gorgeous eyes…
“Hi…” elongated and sarcastic spewed out from the pursuer’s lips; she always thought icebreakers were her forte.
He walked backwards as she tried to steady an even pace with his consistent steps.
“Enjoy your run?” the boy asked gravely, though with eyes full of resounding laughter.
Brambles and dead leaves clung to the girl’s skirt; dry dirt was like baby powder against the dark canvas. “I loved it almost as much as your mind games,” she retorted. The boy looked away from her.
What the hell is this?
It all came down to this day that almost slipped through her fingers into oblivion, and was she actually going to come out as the unrelenting ball of rage that finally lost it?
Stop him.
“Please, stop power walking for a moment,” she said.
Did it sound like begging?
The effervescent sheen on the boy’s face disappeared nearly as quickly as his blink of offence. He halted abruptly, making the scene all the more awkward; the boy stood with spread legs in the middle of the road while the slender girl had her hands tightly clasped behind her.


I'm not sure how to transition from 'the girl' and 'the boy' to their names. Unknown characters sort of eddy into boredom.

Mike

Your first paragraph is a swamp of adjectives, a mire of complicated sentences. Try cutting it down a bit. Simplify.

Oh, I didn't see the little tag on the end. You can transition to names when they introduce themselves to each other.

Konignacht

Some might claim that it is more of a quicksand....which....I...am..stuck.inHELP!!!

tearsstream

yes, it does seems a little too descriptive. it kind of confuses the reader. still, you show the reader how the MC cares about the boy in a fashion that's much more effective than "i liked him a lot." good job.

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Cran

Hi felishous,
We do seem to be embarrassingly endowed with adjectives in the first par ...
though strangely enough, I will ask for one more ...

Quote:

... those fabulous, gorgeous eyes ...

please include a colour in here ...

I do like your opening sentence:

Quote:

Sprays of aubergine and placid gold littered the ground; leaves of an undecided season.

Keep that ... and keep her thoughts ...

I'm assuming this is her thought, but sometimes I wonder if it is his?

The transition to names can be accomplished, as Mike suggested, when they address each other ... I assume from the surrounding text that they are not strangers; there is some history there ...

Or, given that it is a good idea for your reader to identify your characters early rather than imagine action and dialogue and hazy non-entities, you can bring the names in (either replace or adjunct) in your first mention of character or gender ...

Quote:

The pursuer faltered as the pursued, a lean boy of chiseled features, bearing a smug leer, eased himself onto his heels and pivoted about to face a flushed grimace of gratitude.

This looks like a good place ... the sentence really needs work anyway; it's fractured and clunky, trying to compress three statements into one ...

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Rob

As others have mentioned, too many adjectives (for my taste), and they haven't been thought through. Here, for example, the image you create is unclear. I can't picture someone asking anything gravely when his eyes are filled with resounding laughter. It sounds like a writer playing with words for the sake of it.

Cheers,
Rob