|
Kil (2256 words - for creative writing course)
hi
i posted this in WritersWorkshop but would like some advice please because its for a course im doing. we have to write a short story of 2200 words (with 5% allowed each way). Im a bit worried it may not be ok. any critique is welcome please. thanks. amber.
Back then in what we would call 1984 and what they would call twenty ancestral generations worth of knowledge, there lived a peaceful nomadic tribe called the ‘Noytoni’s’. Their habitat was the Amazon jungle and in their annual cycle they used up a whole 115 miles of land as they grazed, hunted, fell in love and did all the other daily activities of a tribe like theirs.
The chief of the tribe was Rjio-kla. He was a mature, thirty-five year old and stood five feet four inch tall (a full two inch above the next tallest of his tribe). On top of his head was a dirty mop of jet black hair and he wore nothing other than a sarong made out of animal hide. In his ears were the bones of three beasts he had slain to protect his fellow tribe members when they had all scouted for land together in previous years. The protection the tribal leaders offered made the tribe feel secure. The elders told of an encounter with another tribe over four generations back that had been peaceful. The tribe as it was had never seen un-natural pain or suffering. They worshiped the gods of the forest and these ways had always continued to provide them with what they needed.
One day Rjio-kla was out scouting for land with his fellow tribal leaders – Jio-ji and Fsi-to. They had spent the monsoon season on a patch of land known to them as Klanidka. It was the perfect place to stay when the strong, unforgiving rain pounded heavily on the majority of their land – Klanidka was the driest bit of land, offering the safest cover and living conditions. In previous years, after the monsoon had ended, they moved either west – to Glitoki – or east to Yriki. Both these patches of land were full of animals to hunt and find fruits, sap and berries to eat. Unfortunately for the last seven years the number of animals and trees bearing the fruits and the meat they needed had dwindled and turned to flat barren land. The tribe was fearful the gods were asking them to move along and out of respect they were heading north to new check new territory – to see if they could find a new home for themselves and the ones they loved.
The mission that day came across a flat piece of land in the middle of the forest. It was the right size to house all the tribe. There were birds in the surrounding trees to hunt and a multitude of fruits, berries and sap to be picked. In fact there was a new kind of fruit in the tree that Rjio-kla had not seen before. It was dull red with a hard skin and was size of an eyeball. He pondered whether to consume the fruit as he knew there was a danger it could be poisionous. He saw a Liki bird swoop and snatch one of the red balls from a branch and then proceed to scoop the white, fleshy insides out and eat them. Knowing that the Liki bird ate similar to what he did Rjoi-kla decided to mimic the colourful creature and taste the intriguing discovery.
To his delight the fruit tasted as sweet as the jiji berries from the yriki area. He summoned jio-ji and fsi-to over and they tried the delicious and mysterious new fruit. As it was late afternoon - they were tired from traveling through the jungle all day - the fruit both filled their bellies and gently relaxed them to the point that instead of sitting and re-telling stories of old missions – they just set up camp and fell peacefully asleep.
When they woke in the early morning Rjio-kla felt better than he had ever done before. So did the others. Filling their sacks with as much of the fruit (which they decided to call Kli) as they could they packed up and made the journey back to the rest of the tribe. They were eager to tell of the new patch of land and to prepare the journey back.
On their return a welcoming party was held for them and they passed the Kli fruit around the tribe. That night the entire tribe slept soundly. They woke – as the scouting mission had – as well and happy as they had ever felt before. Rjio-kla’s son Pti-ol and his wife Sli-oh had been married three weeks previously. Even on the morning after their first night together they had not felt as good as this. The tribe rejoiced at the new found home and with-out delay packed up all their possessions and moved north to the land they now called Jio-kla.
The Noytoni’s were then - probably the happiest tribe in the whole of the Amazon. They had a bounty of food and resources available to them. The tribe – with the aide of Kli – spent their days happy and joyful. In that year more marriages occurred than in any other year the elders had known. The warm season continued and the tribe flourished.
Unfortunately it was inevitable that one day the monsoon season would return and the tribe would have to return to Klanidka to ensure they had shelter for the rainy months. Another mission was set up. This time Rjio-kla took his son Pti-ol and his companion Jio-ji. Pti-ol was enthusiastic and eager to explore and was pleased with his father for allowing him the honour of being allowed to go with him on a mission.
One morning in the later of the warm months they set off through the jungle towards Klanidka. It was a nine day journey back and they stocked up on Kli fruit for the journey. They knew edible food would be available after a few days so they took enough to cover them for this time. They said their goodbyes to their families and set of into the jungle.
On the second day into the journey they ran out of the Kli fruit. They discovered edible food again in the jungle and decided to treat themselves with the rest of their stock so they could sleep soundly for the journey the next day. They awoke the next morning – gathered everything – and set off southwards. As the day drew on they walked through giant leaves, they had to walk one after the other as the path was thick with forage.
Pti-oi was in the lead. It was his first adventure and he was hoping something exciting would happen so he would look brave and impress Sli-oh with his stories. He imagined getting home. He would tell her and she would fall into his arms - succumbing to him willingly. Caught up in his dreams - a foot-long black snake fell from a tree to the side of him and bit him in the arm. He was startled and a trickle of blood dripped from the wound.
He let out a yelp of pain and his father came to his attention. Pti-oi cursed the snake and his father dressed the wound so they could continue. Twilight came and they felt tired. They found a patch of flat land and set up camp. Rjio-kla and Jio-ji told stories of the olden days and Pti-oi listened on. They stayed up a long time and fell asleep unusually late.
The next day the journey seemed twice the effort of the days before – especially to Pti-oi. He felt faint on a few occasions but put it down to the snakebite. Concerned - as he had never seen that type of snake before - Rjio-kla decided the best thing to do would be to return to the tribe and make sure Pti-oi was better. They stocked up some food and made their return. It took three days to get home and by the time they had – all three members of the mission were feeling unwell.
The women from the tribe fed the men Kli fruit and after a nights sleep they were alright. Rjio-kla and Jio-ji wondered where the snake had come from as it was a new creature on familiar territory. Pti-oi thought of nothing but his hurt pride in not being able to impress the woman he loved.
Rjio-kla, Jio-ji and Pti-oi made another two journeys south towards Klanidka but on both occasions the black snakes attacked them. It was always a day after the attack that they would feel ill and eventually the whole expedition would have to return to Jio-kla. As an alternative they tried trips to the north, east and west but each time they got three days out into the jungle they would encounter the snakes, become ill and have to return to the tribe.
The monsoon season was due to return so Rjio-kla called an emergency meeting of the tribal leaders to see what could be done about the situation. The elders in consultation with the doctors decided that the gods had sent the snakes to test the tribe’s faith after years of plentitude. They argued that the other lands were now unavailable and this meant the gods were trying to tell them they should stay where they were - the Kli fruit would protect them. Rjio-kla didn’t see the logic in this argument. What he could see was that if they didn’t find shelter before the rain started then they would be living in squalor for the next five months. He told the tribal meeting that they should continue to search for land or they would be in danger of dying. Normally his word would be heeded but the tribe members – scared of the snakes and of having to leave the Kli fruit (which seemed the only antidote to the snakebite) – voted against Rjio-kla and made his friend Jio-ji and his son Pti-oi the joint chiefs of the tribe.
The morning after the meeting Jio-ji and Pti-oi ordered the tribe’s folk to start work on building shelter in the jungle that surrounded the settlement. For two whole weeks - huts were set up to protect everyone. Rjio-kla knew this wasn’t going to be enough. He had a strong sense of intuition. He kept quite as he knew he would not be listened to and solomemly took shelter in one of the buildings designed to keep the wind and rain from harming him.
The monsoon started and the tribe stayed holed up inside. They had enough Kli fruit for the first two months but then a shortage came and rations had to be made. In the third month nearly all the fruit was gone and members of the tribe argued in the small, cramped and humid space they had to live in.
Old friends Rjio-kla and Jio-ji decided in the best interest of the Noytoni they would go out and brave the monsoon to provide the fruit. This they did and they set out in the torrential rush of water to pick the remains of what had fallen from the trees. They gathered enough for the whole tribe and as Jio-ji passed the baskets of fruit into the huts a large branch snapped in the wind and fell on Rjio-kla – crushing him to his death.
Eventually the warm months returned. Not all of the Kli fruit trees had survived. Some had been knocked down with the weather and because they had picked the fruit in the monsoon – no new trees were born. The Kli trees had dwindled and the fear of the snakes increased. The Noytoni became scared and fought internally. Six years after they settled in the land of Jio-kla the first murder within the tribe occurred. More were to follow until eventually the tribe descended into a group of self loathing, hateful people.
Ten years after the discovery the tribe was startled to find strange tall men with skin as white as the inside of the Kli enter their land. They were instantly threatened by their presence and ordered they tell him what their business was. They couldn’t speak the words they did but in their group was a small dark skinned man who looked like Pti-oi. He was dressed like the pale outsider but spoke words similar to their own. The small dark skinned man’s name was David. Pti-oi asked him how they had managed to get through the black snakes. David wondered what Pti-oi meant by a venoumous black snake and when he showed him his own pet snake – Mardo. Pti-oi jumped back in fright and he knew his pet was what Pti-oi meant.
He asked Pti-oi why they were living in squalour with minimal food available when to the south there was plentiful. Pti-oi explained the last ten years to David and David laughed when he thought of the tribe being scared of what he knew as a harmless pet. He suggested to Pti-oi that the reason they couldn’t leave the area was because the Kli fruit may be addictive and he laughed at the simple idiocy of the tribe he had discovered. Pti-oi took great offence to this and stabbed David in the heart. David’s companions were armed with weapons that Pti-oi had not seen before. He went to attack one and was shot down by a machine gun in an instant. The rest of the tribe jumped up to protect Pti-oi and were massacred by the group of strangers.
The strangers cut down the jungle. They put cattle on the land and farmed the remains.
The Noytoni, the Mardo snakes and the Kli trees became ghosts of the rainforest never to be seen again.
__________________
'Jonny's laying in his sperm coffin and the angel looks down at him and says:
"Oh, pretty boy, can't you show me nothing but surrender?' - Patti Smith
Punk is dead - get over it.
Acid culture, techno culture, underground culture, rebel culture!
|
