Charlie_Eleanor

Previously I posted the beginning of this story, but I have written the first part of the first chapter now, and would like some constructive criticism please. I am really trying to do this well, so please tell me anything you feel needs improvement. I have made some revisions to the prologue, so I will include it here, but in italics. I'm sorry there is a paragraph with explicit content, so please do not read this if you are sensitive to that.

Okay, here goes:



It was the stillness that woke her. Perfect silence surrounded the Grove. She could feel the dried tears on her cheeks as she lifted her head from the cold packed earth. She removed her boots and tunic. The pollen danced on her skin and in the air. Stepping into the stream she exhaled as the tranquil water lapped against her naked body.

The village would never stand behind her. ‘Change is never easy, my little Spearwa,’ her mother’s words crept into her thoughts. She dove into the water, feeling it penetrate and cleanse every crevice of her body.
The tribal village of Cunaie was nestled in the northeastern corner of Natur. The people were simple, and lived with little thought to the outside world. At the center of their culture was Zuname, the Goddess of wind and wing. All of the Cunaie children were brought up to live a peaceful life; worshiping the Goddess, working hard to contribute to the economy of the tribe, and finding happiness in the simple way of their people.

Spearwa was born in the year of the Sparrow (thus, her name.) Her mother was frail after her birth, and her father left the farm to seek medicine in the capital city of Pluo. In his stead, he left his eldest son Jay in charge of the farm and family. After four years it became evident that her father would never return.

As Spearwa grew up she became inseparable from her mother. On clear spring days they would lie beneath the great Reezin Tree in the Grove, feeling the cold packed earth on their skin, and Spearwa would listen to her mother’s strange and wonderful tales of her people’s history! When the day grew to a close her mother would hold her and hum the haunting lullaby that told the story of their ancestors. The soft melody’s enchantment would fill the Grove until all animals, birds and insects ceased their squabbling. Spearwa would fall asleep on her mother’s apron and dream of worlds beyond her own.

On one of these spring days, when the grove was particularly still, Spearwa’s mother was so moved by the expression of peace on her child’s face that she decided to carry Spearwa home instead of waking her. Lifting the five year old bundle to her hip, she started off toward the farm.

Night came upon her suddenly as she was passing through the fields. The cold air bit her skin as she tried to hold Spearwa close. Soon she became aware, or was it merely as suspicion, that not too far behind her someone or something was following. She glanced back but night’s cloak concealed the stranger. She started to run towards the farm. Her breathe became short, her bones felt brittle beneath the weight of the child, and she knew that she couldn’t continue like this for long. She could hear the stranger’s breath now, only a few yards behind her. There is a tree ahead. Is that a hollow on the far side of it? Yes, the child would be safe there. Wrapping Spearwa in her shawl, she quickly placed her in the dark concave. She ran with a new burst of energy now that she was free from her burden. The stranger was on her heals as she neared to wood.

From the village only a whimper of a cry was heard, and Spearwa dreamt through the night of her mother’s stories.
The next day Enock awoke with a sore head. The night had been filled with cloudy dreams and premonitions. He decided to clear his thoughts by collecting Reezin bark for his midday tea. Of course the best Reezin bark in the area was in the Grove, but such a long walk might be too much for Enock. He hated to admit it, but his back and legs were not as strong as they used to be.

“Hmph!” He puffed aloud as he grabbed his cloak and walking stick. Mere age would not deter him from a long walk on a beautiful spring day! If anything, it would make him stronger.

As he passed through the fields between the village and forest he began to second guess his decision. Already his body was crying out for rest. Ahead was the old tree with the strange hollow. That would provide sufficient shade. As he approached he noticed a small blue bundle within the hollow. Upon closer inspection he realized there was a child wrapped in the cloth! He picked her up. Her eyes were closed in a deep slumber. Her breath was so quiet many people would think she was dead.

“Child,” Enock spoke softly, “child wake up.” She opened her eyes wide at the sound of a stranger’s voice. As soon as Enock saw the grey eyes he knew who the child was.

“Mom?” she asked.

“I’m sure she is home with your brother. Do you know how you got here?”

“We were in the grove and I fell asleep.”

“Ah, I see. It will be okay, little one,” he assured her, trying to conceal the concern he was feeling. “Do you think you can walk? I am not sure I can carry you the whole way. I’m not as young as I once was, you know.”

The boots were going to be blue with black embroidery of Reezin Tree Blossoms. Spearwa knew Fel hated blue, and boots for that matter, but it was the only thing she was comfortable in and blue was her mother’s favorite color. Her brother, Jay, detested the idea as well, but gave into her tantrum with the stipulation that she had to look ‘pretty’ for the Zuname Festival.

What did pretty mean anyway? When she asked Jay he had simply told her to grow up. Spearwa certainly didn’t think Brid was pretty, with her short legs and scraggly hair. She wasn’t even graceful in her movement, and therefore, could not help in the water field. Jay and Brid had taken vows last winter when it became obvious that they had not waited to consummate their rights as a couple. She was now five months with child, and the way she looked it might be more than one.

In the end Spearwa decided that everyone thought flowers were pretty. Of course, she would need a new black tunic to match. She decided to visit Crow, the weaver, for this task. After all, she had been making her own boots since she began working in the water fields, but she had never dared to attempt a tunic. Such precision was meant for a more feminine hand. Not that of a farm-maid.

She walked down the path through the center of the field. The hot breeze beat against her neck, and she could taste the scent of flowers on her tongue. She breathed deeply, closing her eyes, and that is all the time it took. Fel jumped from behind the hollow tree and pushed her to the ground.

“Felicjan!” Spearwa exclaimed. Not willing to allow another sound from her lips, Fel kissed her with fierce passion. For a moment Spearwa let herself go. She felt his tongue against hers, his longing body pressed against her thigh, and his hand softly touching the small of her back.

“Stop Fel,” She whispered, “no one can see us like this.”

“Why? Everyone knows that you are the one I love!”

“Everyone may know, but not everyone approves, especially my brother.”

“Your brother is…..”

“I know,” she said as she touched her lips to his ear, jumped up and ran towards town.

Fel and Spearwa had grown up together. They had become very close since her mother disappeared. It became clear a few years ago after Fel passed the age of adulthood that he had fallen in love with Spearwa. But, their love was forbidden until Spearwa became an adult herself. They had each counted the days until this upcoming Zuname Festival. This was the year Spearwa’s calling would be declared, and she would enter adulthood.
Spearwa could now see the village. The buildings were so heavily decorated with foliage that an outsider might become confused and think that there were no houses at all. In the center of the buildings that made up the town was a circular lawn called the Green. People were busy setting up tents and tables for the festival tomorrow. Spearwa hoped that she had not come too late for Crow to be able to finish the tunic before the festivities began.

She entered the dark shop. Crow was sitting at a table, carefully stitching together yards of fabric. Who knew what she was making? The magic the chubby dark skinned girl worked with cloth was not a magic Spearwa understood.

“Crow, do you think you can sow me a black tunic by tomorrow?”

“A tunic? At the festival? You must be joking Spearwa. You should wear a dress.”

“I’ve already made boots. It is too late for a dress.”

Crow looked at her. Spearwa knew what she was thinking. The kind of boots she wore were not socially acceptable. They were thigh high boots meant for working in high water. She didn’t even wear any pants with them, only a tunic that she fastened with a belt so that it resembled a make-shift dress.

“I want the tunic extra long. That should be acceptable enough,” Spearwa smirked. She was sick of people judging her. Crow grumbled under her breath. “What is that?” Spearwa snapped, instantly regretting her haste.

“It will be ready in the morning,” Crow chuckled. “There is no taming you, wild Sparrow.”


As she stepped out of the shop door the bright sunlight encompassed her. She could immediately hear Fel’s breathing. It gradually quickened as she moved nearer to him. Spearwa could not see him for the temporary blindness the bright sunlight caused in contrast to the dim-lit shop. He had been waiting for her.

“Tomorrow you will be an adult,” he said. Spearwa could finally see him, and looked into his face with knowing eyes. “Will you meet me in the tent at the edge of the green before the festival?”

She smiled and walked away towards the farm.


Spearwa entered the tent at dusk. She was alone. Had Fel forgotten? Every second seemed like hours as she waited. Boxes of supplies surrounded her, full of food, drink, and decorations. Suddenly, she felt his hands behind her. He kissed her neck. “I am in love with you Spearwa.”

“And, I am in love with you.”

He cupped her breast in his hand. He remembered how he used to make fun of her for having strange pillow like objects on her chest. Now he only longed to caress them. He entered her from behind, feeling her gasp from the inside. In these moments their love was not judged. They could hear the crowd gathering outside as he pushed further into her. Squeezing her tight he began to sweat from the excitement. Her muscles were beginning to spasm. Finally, he let himself release. “I love you,” he whispered.

“And, I love you.”

Spearwa straightened her clothes as Fel watched her. “So, do I look pretty?”

Fel laughed. He knew what she was asking. “Yes, except for one thing.” He walked up, pulling the string from her hair, and admired her hair as it fell down her back. The dark brown curls matched her skin beautifully. “Now you look beautiful.”


THANKS SO MUCH TO ALL WHO TOOK THE TIME TO READ THIS!

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nineteen

sweet, zombie jesus! that's good!

wow you just had my fingers tingling. it's a mazing that you built up your chrachter so well. i already love her. it's such a good impression of a young woman. this story is amazing. it's so deep and vivid. so complex and wonderful.

there is one mistake near the start, but who cares! yay

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(Please don't take my advice too seriously)

Oh Vanity, thy number is 19.

Charlie_Eleanor

Wow you are the sweetest, nineteen. I posted this and went to lunch. I had the most horrible lunch because of the rude people at subway. I come back you you just made my day turn for the better. Thank you so much!!!

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nineteen

hm, intersting picture change. i always wondered what the duck was about. it's strange, that duck was kind of your face to me. i was a bit confused there when i glanced at the name.

however this is just great though. i'd have read the rest of this book anyway. but no-one else is reading it, sooo i'll post this so that it goes back to the top of the list

cause it's well wroth people reviewing. and you did me such a foavour by reading mine, well i'll just get it back to the top...

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(Please don't take my advice too seriously)

Oh Vanity, thy number is 19.

ebmadman

What's up Charlie, nice piece here. It threw me off for a second, as I found myself expecting the innocent youth to remain, yet you transformed her into Jenna Jameson in the end, lol. Nice descriptions throughout, and good build up. I look forward to reading more.

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"I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies...."

shianna

Well, l agree with what's already been said - excellent. The flow of the italicized was incredible, it actually seemed like something something from an otherwordl (partly the affect of the constant italics, but still very intriguing.) Technically, very well done; the writing itself is solid, with excellent description of both characters and physical environment, but the one thing l wasn't too sure of was her development into an adult with adult needs so quickly. Not say it shouldn't have happeneed, just that l expected more of a reaction regarding her mothers' disappearence.
Perhaps taht comes later in the story?
Anyway, well written.
Wait, one other thing - the love scene was missing something, unless l just totally spaced out - how did they go from being fully dressed to him entering her from behind? Was she wearing clothing that made entry possible without their removal? (just joking, but it struck me as odd....)
laurie.

Charlie_Eleanor

Haha, thanks you so much! Yes, i mean to develop that paragraph to make things a little clearer. However, I didn't know how far I should go because I was going to post it on this forum....but I will clarify and probably make it a little more explicit.

I am also planning to do a little more development in relationship of Spearwa with her mother throughout the story, perhaps through flash backs, etc.

Thank you again.

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shianna

Ok, that would work. l can understand not wanting to push the limitations of the forum, so for that purpose even just a logistics explanation could be used, but l doubt it would cause a problem, simply because the lovemaking itself is not vulgar or graphical - and quite honestly, you've already got him entering her, and touching her breasts (l believe) so l doubt the removal of certain pieces of clothing would be an issue, lol.
anyway looking forward to more.
laurie.

Charlie_Eleanor

Decided to put this in a new thread since it was so much stuff. Thanks!

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