Intro-thingie - Writers Forum

slayerofangels · 04-09-2007, 07:43 AM

This is sort of a prologue I've had in mind for a while now. All critiques are welcome.

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Brother Bathian,

While your news is ever heartening, I am afraid the matter of your last letter strikes a sore spot at the moment. Our investigations into the disappearance of inquisitors Mathias and Sagal are still ongoing, so there is much that I cannot, and indeed would not, say. Not even in a warded letter such as this. The histories of my Order are closely guarded, old friend, and your questions strike at the heart of an issue that borders on heresy.

Bathian, I bid you make haste to see me. I have sent this message by six separate pigeons to ensure you get it. Please, gather your things and return to the temple. Tell Elen nothing but that you are going to see a friend, this is vital, for you know not who listens.

What I can say is this: the beatification of the Knight-commanders is a front, a screen to distract the masses, while the truth of the Great Betrayal is hidden, warped, and in some parts buried beneath years of myth, embellishment and superstition. Suffice to say that you have only brushed the surface. The truth is a skittish animal, friend, a serpent, constantly darting through the debris and the underbrush of our world, evading those who would find it, and striking those that do with its venomous bite. You must take care lest it bite you, Bathian.

If you are truly bent on finding truth, then consider this as you travel. We were not the first to rise from the ashes. Yet, as we emerged into a world rebuilt, populated by masses of twisted, lesser creatures, it was clear what our purpose was to be. No longer would the power of the Gods be revealed to mortal eyes. No longer would the Temple be left for the heathen to sully. That day Bathian, Mancer was born.

Please hurry.

Your friend,
Brother Ernst.

Blood_Writer · 04-09-2007, 07:56 AM

I like your idea of a letter as a prologue, and the only thing I can say is to lenghten it, if you can. If you can't, it seems rather pleasing. Im not the person to judge in grammer etc, I just read the story, if you know what I mean. Nice start

Blood Writer.

Blossom · 04-09-2007, 08:06 AM

Very nice, but I like your writing anyway =P My only comment would be that it seems to move from a lighthearted, friendly opening to quite a dark, serious matter. It just struck me as a little odd that within the space of a couple of paragraphs he went from How are the wife and kids? to I need you to come see me but keep it quiet - YOU NEVER KNOW WHO'S WATCHING >.>.

But still, it's a good opening. Raises intrigue and hints at a complex plot to follow. Which, hopefully, you'll be sharing

Charlie_Eleanor · 04-09-2007, 08:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blossom

My only comment would be that it seems to move from a lighthearted, friendly opening to quite a dark, serious matter. It just struck me as a little odd that within the space of a couple of paragraphs he went from How are the wife and kids? to I need you to come see me but keep it quiet - YOU NEVER KNOW WHO'S WATCHING >.>.

I very much agree with the above. A little odd how quickly it changes from just being friendly and then suddenly dark and full of mystery. Perhaps adding a transitional paragraph of some sort would not only lengthen the letter, but provide a transition between the contrasting tones.

I really liked it. The writing flowed well. I didn't have to stop and reread a sentence once. It was a lot of fun to piece together clues about the characters by what was written. Well done!

slayerofangels · 04-09-2007, 04:31 PM

I'll see what I can do about a transitional paragraph, but pleasant waffle isn't really one my strengths...

Blossom · 04-10-2007, 05:01 AM

Alternatively then, you could cut out the pleasant waffle and make it obvious from the beginning that this letter is about a serious matter.

slayerofangels · 04-10-2007, 01:36 PM

editted.

Blossom · 04-10-2007, 01:47 PM

Yep, that's much better!! Now as well as the hints you dropped before, we have the added intrigue of just what Brother Bathian's news was

crazed scribe · 04-10-2007, 02:42 PM

It was gripping like all good prologues should be. Well done! I though it was great.

Foxee · 04-10-2007, 02:58 PM

Quote:

Suffice to say that you have only brushed the surface. The truth is a skittish animal, friend, a serpent, constantly darting through the debris and the underbrush of our world, evading those who would find it, and striking those that do with its venomous bite.

The prologue makes me want to read more so it's good, does exactly what it should do.

The above line is yet another example of some of the poetry you bring to your prose. Great imagery and wording.

Liked it very much.

Capulet · 04-11-2007, 12:08 AM

I like the tone you set in the letter. Here's a couple suggestions, which are really just a matter of style:

If I was trying to ensure someone got a message, and that said message containing sensitive information was not intercepted, I wouldn't send it by six methods, but by the one, most trusted method possible.

You could grow this into a special way the Order has developed to communicate internally (further developing the unique nature of your fantasy world) or introduce a new character, the most trusted, able messenger in the order. Depending how you've plotted the character of Bathian you can either use this new character as a counterpoint or foil to Bathian, or just drop out of the scene.

If the character drops out of the scene, you've established their credentials early in the story, and can bring them back in later on when you wish to impress upon the reader the seriousness of a situation. Character X is only used when the order really, really cares, so whatever's about to happen must be pretty important!

Brother Ernst has some moments where his obvious religious fervor shows through. I think you can kick that up a notch! If he's privvy to sensitive order information, chances are he's pretty heavily indoctrinated. Chances are when he says "the holy temple" it should read as "the Holy Temple," and "Mancer" (I'm assuming he's an important figure in the Order's beliefs, if not their god) would never be mentioned as any less than "His Holiness, Mancer" or something similar. Make your Zealot a little more Zealoty!

Grammar:

Our investigations into the disappearance of inquisitors Mathias and Sagal are still ongoing

Either their disappearance was one event, in which case there is one investigation, or two different events, and disappearances would need an s.

be revealled to mortal eyes

one l in revealed

Good luck! Let me know if you publish so I can check it out.

tearsstream · 04-11-2007, 12:26 AM

I feel like a lot of info is introduced in too short of a letter. It's very specific, and at some points I found I didn't know what you were talking about. Either way, its written well, although I get a little fatigued after reading so much old-fashioned lingo here

keep writing. you're good at it.

slayerofangels · 04-11-2007, 12:27 PM

Capulet: I always envisioned Mancer as the order as opposed to the deity, but I suppose you have a point about the letter so I changed the wording slightly. But remember, the order doesn't know about Bathian's letter. And using an order courier, especially one of the good ones, would be noticed. As it is, its warded so that if anyone but Bathian opens it, it'll burst into flames.

Inquisitors would have nigh unlimited powers too, so fo two of them to vanish without a trace wouldn't bode well.