gmr310

::Just looking for anything to help me improve this, and I couldn't really place this in any other category... or I would have::

Tonight is the night where all hell breaks loose. Tonight is the night where humanity is lost. Tonight is the night where all life will be lost. Tonight is the beginning of the end.

The Twilight

As the darkness approaches, the fog fills the air. You can feel the evil approaching. You close your eyes and take a deep breath. You lower your head, open your eyes, and watch as the darkness creeps closer. You stare off in the distance and you contemplate your options. As the fear closes in, you prepare for the worst. You jump to the ground as you watch this world disappear as new world develops. Here it comes, inching closer. It takes your body, you shield your eyes as it envelops you. You feel as you life gets striped from you body, Your soul opens to this new world... THE TWILIGHT

mammamaia

writing in second person is next-to-never reader-friendly... same goes for present tense, in most cases... and few of even the best writers can do either well...

i strongly suggest you switch to third person and past tense, if you want this to attract/hold the maximum number of readers...

love and hugs, maia

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crankgear

Definatley, and try a better sentence structure and format, as I found this a bit confusing. It reads almost like a poem, yet has a narrative format.

"You jump to the ground as you watch this world disappear as new world develops."

Things like this make the piece feel awkward and as if you missed something, or as if the writer left something out.

A minor spelling mistake is "striped" which should obviously be "stripped".

Otherwise, it's a neat idea if you can clarify a little in places, and adopt a more reader-friendly sentence structure and format.