Rifts in the Alliance (scifi - WHOLE STORY IS HERE) - Writers Forum

scifi maniac · 04-08-2007, 11:32 PM

This is a dramatic piece which I wrote which explores various themes/ideas. Hope you like it. Please comment after reading the whole piece. It isn't long. Also, is it publishable in a magazine, in your opinion?

Rifts in the Alliance

Menan Blake was staring into the black space outside the ship. It wasn’t his ship, but he’d picked up the controls pretty quickly. A noise behind him caused him to swivel around in his chair. A twenty-something girl was laying on the floor. Her hands were bound by ropes but she was struggling against them.

‘You woke up,’ Menan said, looking down at her.

‘Let me go!’ she shouted. She managed to slip one hand out of the rope binding.

Menan walked over to her, extracted a silver blade from his coat pocket, and quickly cut through the binds.

‘Are we still on Antian?’ she said. She struggled to stand up.

‘No.’

‘I thought not. Where are we going?’

‘Away from the Alliance Worlds.’

The girl managed to stand up and glanced out the observation window.

‘Why were you on the ship in the dockyard? The crew was all gone,’ Menan asked.

‘I’m a petty thief. These rich folks travel around the border world as if they rule them. And that’s when I pounce, when they’re unsuspecting. Drop me off on the nearest Alliance World.’

The girl walked around to the navigation screen in front of the window. Menan watched her closely. Those free-roaming types were not to be trusted. She may be concealing a weapon… hoping to take the ship. She tapped the screen a few times.

‘Naavti is only 16 parsecs away. Take me there.’

‘I can’t. I’m a fugitive. I will be arrested as soon as I step foot on any Alliance World.’

‘Then just drop me off and fly away.’

‘It’s not that simple.’

‘I’m not your prisoner!’ the girl shouted in Menan’s face.

‘You are. If you had been on a different ship this wouldn’t have happened. But you were on this ship… and I don’t trust your type anyway. You’ll inform the authorities, for a handsome bounty.’

The girl sat on the computer bank. Menan thought she had taken the news rather well.

‘Fine… I’ve been around the border worlds too much anyway. And after this last display, I’m probably just as wanted as you. Don’t take me to Naavti. Surely you have some idea of where we’re going?’

‘I’ll do a jump out of charted space and scan for any planets there. The ship’s food will last for several years, but I don’t want to stay here forever.’

Menan swiveled the command chair around and chartered the ship’s jump with his finger. Space streaked by as the jump engine activated. The inertial dampeners prevented Menan and the girl from being thrust to the back of the command room.

‘What’s your name?’ he asked, while checking the navigation bank.

‘Peyton Turner.’

‘I’m Menan Blake.’

‘Who are you running away from, Menan?’

‘I’m an anti-expansionist.’

Peyton stared at him for a moment.

‘You’re one of them?’ she cried out in shock.

‘We’re not terrorists. We’re not out to destabilize the Alliance Worlds. If anything, we’re helping them.’

Peyton was at a loss for words.

‘The only thing holding together the Alliance is the Expansion Act. The fuel for war unifies the Worlds. And because we’re against that, against the very grain of Alliance existence, and because we oppose what the Alliance has convinced everyone else is true, we’re condemned and branded. We’re not safe anymore. Every one of us has been named and shamed over the data net. But we are the protectors – if we are not listened to the Alliance Worlds are doomed to fall into obscurity!’

‘Protectors? You killed all those colonists on Shaakti! The bomb which was planted, you planted it!’

‘If we allowed Shaakti to be overrun by humans, the local civilization would have been decimated. Like the hundreds of other alien worlds which have now been blended into the Alliance. The colonists were the murderers. They would have killed the Shaakti people and raped their world for resources.’

‘So you protected the Shaakti, but how did you protect the Alliance Worlds?’

‘Peyton, Peyton! The further out the Alliance spreads, the weaker its control on each planet becomes. In an effort to unify their citizens through war, the Alliance Worlds are weakening themselves. We preached the cessation of expansion. The Alliance was large enough. It needed to consolidate its grip on the planets it had. The Alliance was clutching onto its holdings like water, and sooner or later drops would slip through. It’s too late now, with the anti-expansionists exiled from the Alliance Worlds. We were destroyed by the very force we were trying to save. And because we failed, not only will the Alliance be destroyed, so will countless alien worlds. Sooner or later rifts will appear, and these will tear apart the Alliance from within. It’s unstoppable Peyton. I rescued you from that.’

Peyton shook her head slowly.

‘The Alliance is strong! It has more military power than any others in the galaxy, and each new world which joins is carefully screened and all threats removed.’

‘I’m not talking about the aliens as a threat. No, it’s humanity. There will be conflict and squabble, and like all Empires of old, this will culminate in the ultimate destruction of the Alliance.’

Menan saw fear in Peyton’s eyes. His words were not propaganda. They were the inevitable and bloody truth.

A few minutes later the ship had completed its jump. Menan swiveled around to the scanning bank and checked the system map which had materialized in the air.

‘There!’ he said, pointing to a small blip on the screen. His finger passed through it and the blip went a bright red color.

‘What is it?’ Peyton asked, standing behind Menan.

‘A planet…’

After a further minute, the planet was completely scanned. It appeared in the air as a hologram, revolving next to the system map. Text was scrolling in front of it.

‘My God… the energy reading from that point on the surface is massive!’ Menan pointed at a glowing portion of the surface of the holographic planet. ‘There seems to be a material of some sort, but the scanner can’t identify it. Scans also indicate that the surface has the potential to support life… We need to take a look.’

Peyton didn’t share Menan’s enthusiasm. She looked warily at the revolving hologram of the planet, trying to push their conversation out of her mind.

The ship gently pushed through the atmosphere of the planet, descending gently to the orange sands below. The stabilizing jets caused a sand storm to erupt just below the ship. Finally, after choosing a suitable location, Menan brought the ship to a rest on the planet.

‘Temperature appears to be about 45°C. We should wear cooling jumpsuits.’

Menan began to pull his coat, trousers and shirt off himself. He gestured for Peyton to do the same. Reluctantly, she stripped off her shorts and top. Menan walked over to a locker and searched around for a moment, before extracting two black jumpsuits. He tossed one over to Peyton, and then slid into his own. A face mask was attached to the back of the jumpsuit, and he pulled it over his face. He then pulled the zipper up the side. The jumpsuit instantly began to cool his body.

scifi maniac · 04-08-2007, 11:34 PM

He heard Peyton grunt as she attempted to slide into hers. He went over and offered to help, but she refused. After a few minutes she managed to get it on. He could see her face through the blue transparent material of the visor. She was surprised.

‘This thing really works!’

‘It has micro filters built in which absorb and cool the air which passes by. It neutralizes toxins, so it doubles as a bio-suit.’

Menan walked over to the control bank by the command chair, and opened the ramp. He and Peyton walked out into the bright sunlight of the planet. The visor dimmed the light so that they didn’t have to squint. Once they were off the ramp, Menan tapped a pad on the side of the ship and the entrance retracted and closed. The sand was fine, and ran through Menan’s gloved fingers like water.

‘Now what?’ Peyton said. Her voice was relayed through Menan’s jumpsuit.

‘Let’s get to the source of that energy fluctuation.’

Menan and Peyton began to walk away from the ship, with their backs to the sun.

‘How can you find it?’ Peyton asked.

‘Hang on…’ Menan reached up to his head and pressed a button on the jumpsuit. Peyton did the same.

A flashing display appeared in front of Menan’s eyes. There was a large green arrow, pointing slightly to the left of the direction they were heading in.

‘The computer’s interfacing with the visor – that arrow points to the energy source.’

Menan and Peyton began to walk through the billowing sands. The sun gradually sank, giving the landscape a red tinge.

After a couple of hours had passed, Menan stopped and Peyton almost walked into him.

‘Look!’ he yelled through the visor, pointing in the distance at the faint outline of structures in the distance.

‘What are they?’ Peyton said, screwing up her eyes to try and see better.

Menan suddenly began running towards the structures.

‘Wait!’ Peyton yelled, struggling to keep up.

As Menan came closer to the structure, he realized what it was.

‘Peyton, it’s a greenhouse!’

‘So there are aliens here?’

The two came up to the greenhouse, but could not see through the glass. It was heavily frosted. Menan looked across the vast glass dome, and saw that it was ringed by concentric circles of metal. He guessed that they were to stabilize it and prevent it from cracking.

‘What’re they?’ Peyton said, pointing to some metal objects twenty meters away. There were three distinct poles, with parts of them pulsing up and down. The poles fed into pipes which then drove into the ground.

‘Boreholes… they’re getting water out of an underground supply.’

Menan had to marvel at the greenhouse and boreholes. The society obviously wasn’t as advanced as humanity, but it made do with what it had. Two basics had been provided for: food and water. There must be residential shelters somewhere. They were probably underground to avoid the sun.

‘I wonder how these things are powered…’ Peyton said, more to herself.

‘I’m guessing that whatever that energy fluctuation was, it’s behind this. Look at the greenhouse. It’s frosted. There must be some kind of air cooling system. We have to find where that energy reading came from. And where are the locals?’

Menan looked around for any sign of an entrance to an underground cave network, but found none. They walked further towards the focal point of the elevated energy reading, following their visors. It was only a few hundred meters away, but five monolithic structures soon came into view. They were perched directly on top of the energy fluctuation.

‘Turrets,’ Peyton said.

Menan looked over the massive structures, and realized Peyton was right. There were five massive turrets mounted on revolving platforms.

‘No wonder these people haven’t been attacked. These things look like they’d be able to destroy a capital ship from the Alliance Navy with one shot.’

The turrets themselves were at least ten meters long. They were archaic in appearance, but still looked more powerful than the most powerful Alliance ground-to-space turrets.

‘Whatever caused this energy reading, it must be damn powerful. For a people of a lower level of technology to be able to rely on turrets this primitive, and yet so powerful… that must be an extremely powerful energy source,’ Menan said, admiring the circle of turrets.

Peyton nodded in agreement. She went around to each turret, touching and examining the metal casings of the movable platforms they rested on. Menan was impressed. Water boreholes, greenhouses and powerful turrets… this was a race which survived on bare necessities in a highly intelligent way. Food and water provided for… and shelter from attack through the turrets. But there must be some sort of underground habitation.

‘Peyton! Come on, let’s look for the aliens.’

Peyton reluctantly came away from the turrets and joined Menan. The sun had now almost disappeared. And then there was suddenly a bright light coming a few meters away from them. The light came closer. Menan saw that it was a lamp. And there was an alien holding it. He stood looking at the creature approaching them. It was human in shape, but its skin was reflective and silver.

‘Hello,’ the alien said shakily, finding the situation as strange as Menan and Peyton.

‘You speak English?’ Peyton cried out in surprise.

‘I know who you are…’ Menan said quietly. ‘I’ve heard the stories about your kind. You were the old settlers. The settlers who left Earth before the Alliance was formed.’

‘Yes, that is what our ancestors were. We know nothing of the greater galaxy now. We are recluses on this planet.’

The alien paused for a second.

‘I’m Itin.’

‘I’m Menan, and that’s Peyton.’

‘Come… I’ll take you inside. We haven’t contacted Earth since leaving it.’

The three of them walked a few meters back in the direction Itin had come from. A gaping metal chasm was now opened. There was a ladder leading down the side of the shaft. Itin gestured and Menan and Peyton followed him down the chasm. Several great metal plates slid together and covered the entrance just after them.

The shaft ended on a sand covered metal floor.

Menan admired the surroundings. He was in an ancient chamber, which he guessed was the old colonists’ ship. There were several of the colonists in the chasm, and several of them looked in Menan and Peyton’s direction.

‘We live in the old ship,’ Itin said. ‘But since it landed, we’ve expanded it a little bit. Are you famished from your journey? Let’s go to the greenhouse and get nourishment.’

Itin led them through several corridors which led off from the main chamber. It was a sprawling network of rusty metal caves.

‘How many of you live here?’ Menan asked.

‘Six hundred and thirty-one.’

‘You know exactly?’

‘We have strict birth controls. When we breed, it is to replace those who die. Therefore we can avoid the problem of overpopulation which made us leave Earth many thousands of years ago, in the first place.’

Itin led them to a different shaft at the end of a corridor, and they climbed up another set of ladders into the greenhouse. The dome was filled with green foliage in every direction.

‘Plants from Earth,’ Itin said proudly.

The plants were arranged in tiers around the outside of the dome. That’s why there were the metal supports on the outside, Menan thought. There was a structure of interconnected catwalks in the center of the dome, allowing access to the various tiers. There was also a larger elevator used to transport food underneath the ground.

‘Where does that one go?’ Menan said, pointing to large elevator.

‘A collection and sorting area underneath here.’

Menan, unable to feel the cold, was reminded of it by looking at the frosted glass of the dome. He pointed to the frost.

‘We keep the dome cold, and the sunlight which reaches the plants is plenty sufficient during the day. These plants could not survive in the heat outside, but still need sunlight.’

It’s not really a greenhouse, Menan noted. Itin walked over to the food elevator and reached a currently moving load of a vegetable Menan couldn’t recognize. He brought two back to him and Peyton.

‘Eat,’ he commanded. ‘Remove those masks you’re wearing… it’s cool inside. That’s what they’re for, isn’t it? Cooling?’

Menan nodded, and he and Peyton pulled their masks off.

‘I’ll show you where we get our water from, now,’ Itin said, walking off again.

After several more minutes of walking in underground corridors and chasms, they arrived in a large sandy area. It was directly underneath the boreholes they had seen on the surface.

‘Here is where we collect water, from an underground lake. It’s just luck that we found such a large source. It has served us well for thousands of years!’ Itin yelled above the droning of the large boreholes. There were several moving parts down here as well, and maintenance workers were clambering across the large machines.

‘Itin, how do you power these machines? What about the greenhouse cooling?’

Itin smiled. ‘Come with me,’ he said.

Once again the three of them walked for several minutes, until at last they emerged on a large platform. It overlooked an enormous, dark lake. Pipes were sunk into the lake drawing out the contents, with five large pipes going straight up into the roof of the cavern. They must have been for the turrets, Menan realized.

‘Water…?’ Menan said, unsure of what he was looking at.

‘No… it’s a liquid material. Its properties are incredible. Our society would cease to function without this source of energy. It powers our arcane turrets to defend our planet, our greenhouse, our boreholes, and the life-supporting systems of the old ship. It’s incredible, but if it were taken from us we would be finished. You landed in winter on this planet. Summer reaches upwards of 60°C, and we have to rely on our cooling systems alone. We cannot venture outside our chasms, and if our energy failed we would be heated to death. You see now that we rely on this for survival.’

Menan nodded and gazed out across the great lake. It was truly wondrous.

His admiration was suddenly cut short by an explosion which ripped through the lake chasm, wrenching the five pipes from the ceiling. The lake erupted in confusion.

‘Quickly!’ Itin yelled, and Menan and Peyton followed him to a lesser-known exit from the chasm network. When they climbed up onto the surface, they saw the turrets engulfed in flames. They had been destroyed.

‘No!’ Menan yelled, running towards them. The sheer heat of the explosion caused him to step back.

He looked up into the sky and his deepest fear was realized. A flotilla of ships began to descend on the planet. They were Alliance ships.

‘You!’ he screamed, turning on Peyton. He remembered her stepping around to each turret. Now he saw the truth. She had been planting explosives on each turret.

‘You were on that ship in the dockyard on Antian. You weren’t a petty thief. You’d… planned all this! That was the only ship left in that dockyard. It wasn’t well guarded. It was a covert mission. But then I stumbled in and almost ruined your plans…’

‘Yes, Menan. I’m an Alliance agent. We’ve been attracted to this planet for a long time. We saw the energy readings. And I was going on a covert mission to seize this planet. The ship we flew in was outfitted with a highly experimental cloaking technology. It took half the damn economy just to get it to work, and that’s the only way I avoided those turrets. But the entire fleet couldn’t be outfitted with cloaking. This one ship cloak had taken years, and it was only a small ship at that. I had already plotted the ship’s jump… remember when I tapped the screen looking for the nearest world, Naavti? I actually overrode all your commands and made the next jump straight to this planet’s system. My mission was to secure the source of that energy by destroying the planet’s defenses. The five turrets were impenetrable for too long. This irritating little bug had been annoying the Alliance for too many years. But now, the energy source is ours! I succeeded, for the Alliance!

‘You people don’t even deserve it, and now you will be destroyed like you should have been eons ago,’ she said mockingly to Itin.

‘Luckily enough for you, Menan, you can die like a patriot to your pathetic anti-expansionist ideals. Nothing will stop the Alliance, Menan!’

scifi maniac · 04-08-2007, 11:35 PM

Menan looked at the descending flotilla. An explosion in the distance confirmed that Menan’s ship had been destroyed. He knew his fate was sealed. Itin had collapsed into the sand and was crying. He promptly rose and ran back to the old ship, as if hoping that everything he had seen and heard was just a dream.

‘Peyton, I saw the look in your eyes when I told you the Alliance would collapse. I just hope you realize one day that I wasn’t lying. The larger you become, the more planets you take over… the rifts will grow Peyton. Remember that.’

Menan followed Itin back to the old ship. Peyton stared after him. Her mind was filled with Alliance propaganda and slogans, but in this bare moment it was all stripped away. She listened to Menan’s warning and couldn’t help but see the inevitability of it all. She stepped back and waited for a rescue craft to take her back to the Alliance flotilla. As she flew away, Peyton watched rifts form in the ground under the flotilla’s blitz.

scifi maniac · 04-09-2007, 10:33 PM

come on people... why is it that no one comments on my work? unlike many wannabees here, I post WHOLE stories so you can experience the whole piece. I thought that was a good thing, and yet I'm rudely dumped and my work not commented on.. I find this very unfair.

forcedkeystroke · 04-09-2007, 11:49 PM

Here I am browsing through the C&A section of www.writingforums.com and I politely check each topic as I am very selective of what I want to review, and I see this;

Quote:

Originally Posted by scifi_maniac

come on people... why is it that no one comments on my work? unlike many wannabees here, I post WHOLE stories so you can experience the whole piece. I thought that was a good thing, and yet I'm rudely dumped and my work not commented on.. I find this very unfair.

My answer is that perhaps it's the larger then normal text... or maybe because you posted your whole story. Whereas I don't nessecarily mind that, I do in some cases. I know I haven't been a member here for long but that does not mean that I haven't been around the forums for a while. And unless you're either a very dedicated writer who is putting a lot of effort into every paragraph, then I want to at least some shorter attempts to judge how a full story is going to turn out.

For some brief critique as I haven't taken the time to read the entire story (my sincerest apologies, time's short..) your story does not carry itself gracefully enough. I'm not sure why, but you either lack sensory imaging or it feels slightly forced at times. But it's alright for a start and I hope that you keep writing.

CroZ · 04-10-2007, 12:04 AM

only looked at the first para/ but let's see...

you need to extend (elaborate on) the intro somewhat. It's like you're trying to rush things.

Quote:

Menan Blake was staring into the black space outside the ship. It wasn’t his ship, but he’d picked up the controls pretty quickly. A noise behind him caused him to swivel around in his chair. A twenty-something girl was laying on the floor. Her hands were bound by ropes but she was struggling against them.

there's no transition between Blake staring into space and 'the noise behind him'. It's too sudden and needs more attention.
Why is he staring into the blackness of space, is he bored, does he enjoy the simple pleasure, or does he see things normal people can't?
'it wasn't his ship' is too cramped (telling) for an opening paragraph - fill it in later. If he hijacked the ship (or something similiar) maybe show him grabbing a hostage, or something.

From what I looked at your grammar/punctuation control seem okay. Structure it and it'd improve.

Mike · 04-10-2007, 12:26 AM

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From what I looked at your grammar/punctuation control seem okay

Actually, the first line:

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Menan Blake was staring into the black space outside the ship

is passive. This really didn't induce a desire to keep reading.

I agree with what 'Forcedkeystroke' said: "And unless you're either a very dedicated writer who is putting a lot of effort into every paragraph, then I want to at least some shorter attempts to judge how a full story is going to turn out."

Konignacht · 04-10-2007, 12:46 AM

I've actually read the whole thing (I had intended to read it last night, but I fell asleep, and it was waiting when I woke up) and honestly there's plenty to critique it on.

I can sum it up though - your premise is weak, your story is weak (albeit less), and your characters are weak.

I'm not sure your technology has any basis and fact or fiction, it just exists to facilitate your story, you don't explain the history of the Alliance at all, there would be no story without numerous acts of god (i.e. the mysterious fuel that keeps the colony alive, etc.), your characters are hurried and far too accepting of the dues ex machinas that keep the story moving along, the characters' emotions are told, not shown or explained.

And that's just off the top of my head.

You can only expect (lord known I would) a more length critique than this, one that actually goes though the story and explains problems step by step, but I will have to get to that over the next few days, because I'm really busy and really tired.

Oh, one final point - just because I'm really, really down on this story doesn't mean there aren't quite a few things good about it - take for example that, despite the obvious flaws, I read it all the way through, which means you must be doing something very right.

mammamaia · 04-10-2007, 06:26 PM

in addition to agreeing with most of the comments above, i have to add that it won't be 'publishable in a magazine' now, since you've posted it in a public forum, thus using up your 'first rights' and most mags will only take work they can acquire 'first rights' on...

love and hugs, maia

Crepuscular · 04-10-2007, 07:40 PM

Bah, poor Scifi. Nobody read his work and that made him sad. Then he vented. Then people tore him apart. Now he's sad twice over.

Where's the decency and tact?

surreal_girl · 04-10-2007, 08:34 PM

He asked for comments and people commented. To be honest I wasn't thrilled about the work. It didn't pull me in or make me want to read it. I wasn't drawn to the characters in any way. But the story has potential does it not?

Konignacht · 04-10-2007, 11:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mammamaia

in addition to agreeing with most of the comments above

Note she's very careful that nobody can say she agreed with mean ol' Mr. 'Nacht - not that I blame her..

I'll settle in and work on my first large critique now.

Capulet · 04-10-2007, 11:48 PM

Ok, I read the whole thing too, and formed some opinions before I saw the tirade that followed. Forgetting that for a moment, here are my thoughts on your story:

I read a ~lot~ of science fiction, and that's the genre I like to write in as well. I don't post my sci fi here because, as Mama pointed out, it's hard to sell anything you've had printed or posted.

Your two main characters have no soul. There's nothing drawing me to them, and they soak up what's going around them too easily. If I was kidnapped I wouldn't be so friendly. If I then found out my kidnapper was a member of a group I'd been indoctrinated against for a significant amount of time, I'd go loopy on them!

SciFi readers are looking for more description on the SciFi stuff. They don't want to hear "the alien was human, except for it was silver," they want some details! Some observation!

The alien is WAY too chummy with the humans. It just invites the humans in, and is practically begging to tell the humans about the single most important aspect of their society. If I was faced with humans, who through your previous dialogue are described as a predominantly xenophobic alliance of genocidal maniacs, I certainly wouldn't be telling them how my defenses are powered! Way too trusting.

So really, at the moment, this isn't a science fiction story. There are the seeds of a story here, but it's not there yet. I'd suggest you read "How to Write Science Fiction & Fantasy" by Orson Scott Card. The book will explain the important elements of Science Fiction, and hopefully you'll see where your story diverges in too many ways to be successful.

Konignacht · 04-11-2007, 12:23 AM

Ooookay. Well, in this portion of "Let's Examine This Carefull...MY EYES" - I will be going through the first part of this story and pointing out what I find to be obvious weaknesses and flaws in the story.

I won't really focus so much upon the grammar as I will what that grammar expresses.

And take this with a grain of salt - I try to have fun doing this, and I hope you have fun reading it (though learning from it is also a good technique).

P.S. I'm tired - if you don't like my poor sense of humor and the fact that I am pointing out that I found the entire story rather illogical, then I am sorry, and can try again some time toward summer, when I have enough time to be doing this.

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