worldboy90

This is a segment of a story. Tell me please how to improve the Story. Thank you.



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Eric watched a holographic pawn disappear, then reappear, swallowing a queen. He shuddered. Grungetien, who had just lost his queen, seemed at loss. The sweat gleamed off his face brightly, behind his emerald visor. He uselessly took the pawn with a bishop and sighed, leaning back into his fusion-metal seat.

“That’s five wins for me, and two for you.” Boasted Leonardo. “One more and your strawberry Jell-O is mine.” Grungetien shifted uncomfortably in his seat, sitting up straight, placing the tip of his metal chin on two massive fusion-metal hands.

“It’s not over yet.” He said, his voice sharp and determined. Leonardo gave him one contemptuous look and began examining his rifle, feigning boredom. Eric turned away from them two, and walked towards the window, where Little was seated. Little had his big sniper placed across his chest, and the shade of his visors hid his expression. Eric listened in to a gentle melody flow out of from within Little’s headgear. He sighed. He sat down lazily by the window, watching the villagers walk by. Few people were out, because it seemed the sun was overlooking the town with an astringent look. If he wasn’t going to get shot, Eric figured he would have to die from boredom eventually, not the most honorable death, but then again, not as horrible.

The sand moved along at a gentle pace and the wind accompanied it methodically. Eric spied out a group of little kids playing a game of Hyper-Ball. The little red ball zipped back and forth the two groups of kids as they tried to knock each other off their feet. Back and forth, back and forth, the little red ball flew. He mind began to wander. Maybe he should of never asked for this assignment. Maybe peaceful times was what he needed, a little break from fighting. But, then again… The testosterone was fresh in his system and he was, after all, helping the country…somewhat. He frowned, annoyed by his realization. A little picture, which looked like sealed letter, popped up on the holographic screen in front of him.


“Accept.” He said wearily, even though his heart began to beat rapidly.

“Commander Sargon sir,“ a voice spilled in from the sides of his helmet, “we have a report that the targets have seemed to have taken a rest stop several miles from here. Sir. This should delay them by an hour or so.”

Disapointed, he remained silent for a moment. He had to wait out in this dinky little shed for one more hour. Damn-it. He should of just taken that break back at home, he could have been talking with Ana-

“Sir?” His trane of thought was broken by the question. He had forgotten to respond.

“Tell your men to take a quick rest then, thank you for the information captain.”

“Yes your maj-“ The other man was cut off by Eric’s eagerness.

“Wait!”

“Yes, commander?”

“How did you find out this information? Can your sources be wrong?” Eric asked calmly, but his heart was beating with anticipation.

“We overheard on the incoming party’s phone.”

“Well, you might be using out dated systems, so you’r-“

“We’re using the systems assigned to us by the royal court.”

“Oh.” Said Eric, feeling foolish and juvenile.

“Will that be all commander?” asked the man on the other side.

“Yes. Wait no.” said Eric, sounding professional again.

“Yes your hig-“

“Never cut me off again.” Eric cut off the man.

“Yes sir, I am very sorry sir.” He said. “Will that be all?” He asked with a slightly frightened tone in his voice.

“Yeah, you can go.” Eric said, closing the communications link rapidly, the words “Disconnect” flashing through his mind.


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NOTE: If you actually bothered to take the time and read this up to this point, be kind enough to leave any sort of comment to know how I can improve it. For example: "Its ok. Revise your syntax." or "It sucks. You need to work on syntax, diction, etc." Just a quick line or two to point out my mistakes or errors would be fine. I mean, you already wasted the time reading it, why not tell me how to have made your read more entertaining. And for every comment I recieve, I'll be sure to comment them back.

Polartch

Hmmm, well, for the most part I thought it was pretty well written. Can't really tell that much without more info. But hey, I'm a really really junior writer....So yeah. I'm probably wrong!

Either way, it makes me want to read more!

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worldboy90

Thanks for the feedback =)-good that it makes you want to read more.

Sparx

It sucks. Revise your syntax.

LOL, nah i'm playing with you. It's very interesting but you do have a couple of mistakes which i'm going point out.

Firstly, i think you need more concrete discription. Not ample amounts so the story slows down but enough so i get the feel that i'm reading a sci-fi novel. For example: fusion-metal seat. Come on, you can do better than this. What's a fusion metal seat? Be more discriptive.

“That’s five wins for me, and two for you.” Boasted Leonardo Yeah you actually do this a lot through out the story. When you end a dialogue, you put a comma before the tag and not a period.

Few people were out, because it seemed the sun was overlooking the town with an astringent look. Passive sentence which is always a no, no.You could make it more active by moving "was" and "were". For exampe: Few people walked about, because the sun overlooked the town with an astrigent look."

He mind began to wander. You mean "his mind began to wonder."

He should of just taken that break You mean "he should have just taken that break."

Well that's all my eyes could find. Its certainly an interesting story and i would definently read on.

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SpacedOut

If he wasn’t going to get shot, Eric figured he would have to die from boredom eventually, not the most honorable death, but then again, not as horrible.

If he wasn’t going to get shot, Eric figured he would have to die from boredom eventually. Not the most honorable death, but then again, not as horrible.

That's something else that I would revise. Overall this story could shape into something quite interesting. I'm a pretty big sci-fi fan, so this is exactly the kind of stuff I like to see. Sorry if I couldn't be more of a help, I'm pretty new at this

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Awesome. Awesome to the max.

worldboy90

Heh, thx for pointing those things out guys, its been a real great help =). I'll be sure to put up the revised version up asap ( a little busy for next couple of days, like, every minute counts busy) and then i'll put up the next part. Thanks for the critiques, very helpful.