Chop Logic

Hey. I hadn't written anything in a few days and needed some inspiration to draw from. I decided to use my trips to California and Florida. While on these trips, I remember how disspointed I was with how similar the two places were with Long Island, specificly the fact that there were the same exact brand name stores everywhere. Well, I shouldn't have to explain it, hopefully it comes through in the piece. Thanks a lot to anyone who takes the time to read it.

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On my trip out to California, our non-stop flight into San Diego airport was canceled, and we were re-routed onto another plane that had to make a stop in St. Louis. I had never been off of the east coast, and expected, upon landing in California, to be greeted with the California I had heard so much about. That bustling safe haven for outlaws, that destination for avant-garde artists and writers on a quest for some inspiration, the only state in the union to rival New York in terms of sheep hip-ness, California. Land of dreams, sunshine and sunglasses. But my stop in St. Louis was, as I would later realize, a sign of things to come.

I casually left the plane and wandered to the next terminal. We had a twenty minute stopover, so I was neither in a rush, nor anxious to kill time. As I made my way to terminal seven however, something hit me.

This was the same airport I had just left New York from.

Not literally of course (this isn’t one of those stories), but almost all of the stores were the same. Not only that, but the people were also dressed the same, save for the occasional modification, some acclimation to the colder weather. Had there not been any windows (there was a foot or two of snow on the ground), I could have easily believed that my plane had just spent four hours making a giant U-turn. I wrote this off to the fact that I was in an airport, and the shops, stalls, and people could only differ so much. Besides, the people were probably primarily tourists, not actually hailing from St. Louis.

After landing in California, I was waiting for my bags at the luggage carousel, and I was again, this time rather abruptly, hit with the same feeling. This time, however, I didn’t leave it at the airport, it only heightened with every block of California street passed in our Fox Rent-a-Car (same company as the airport in New York), as my family stopped for a quick bite at Burger King (I abstained), or as we passed the Targets, the Best Buys, the Wal-Marts, all the landmarks of corperate domination that littered our relatively short drive from the airport into the lower west end of San Diego.

In retrospect, it was rather naïve of me to think anything else. To think that the brand names I so much loathed at home had not made their way to the west end of the country could be reflected on, at best, as a child-like fantasy. But I was not prepared to cope with this level of corporate reality so abruptly. At every red light, I watched with a certain terror the pedestrians passing, each donning another company logo, slogan, or patentedly humorous remark that I knew so well from home.

This was not what I had prepared myself for. I didn’t go to San Diego to see Long Island but sunnier, and I’m sure San Diegans don’t make the transcontinental trip to New York to see a condensed and taller version of their hometown.

This was not only the case in California, but also in Florida. My previous expectations and dreams of seeing a radically different America still recovering from my trip to California, and rightfully so, I mentally prepared for this school trip a little differently, leaving these hopes at home, and instead, preparing for a revisitation to the reality that, ‘It’s a Small World After All’ was not a pleasant song for the child, but rather a warning for the young adult.
My classmates and I got a taste of Florida Cuisine by dining at the ESPN Sports Bar and Grill, got to experience Florida culture via the Mardi Gras celebration at Universal Studios, and spent more than enough time combing through a mall which, save for the odd Floridian in short shorts (few are so bold back home) could have been taken straight out of any suburb on Long Island.

I’m not sure what I expected in my trip to California, and, to a much lesser extent, Florida, but that’s quite the point. I did not expect to be beaten down a subtler, hotter, more humid version of the island I’d grow up on, and I certainly didn’t expect to be forced to endure the same huge billboards and corporate signs that so haphazardly litter and sully the skyline at home.

My whole life I’ve heard the evils of big chain stores, heard people calling out against the evils of big business and corporate America, even preached a little myself. But it was not until I arrived back in New York and had a chance to confirm my grim realizations that I truly realized what all those people were saying. I was mad at them for not speaking louder, mad at past generations for not doing what I wished I could have, mad at myself for both being born too late and being too complacent in my earlier years to try and do something.

If I could have done anything, I would have. I’m sure as hell still going to try. I left a note for the world in Orlando. I forcefully cracked open the bus window, and before anyone had a chance to complain, it was carried, like some white dissident dove, up and towards the sun. It read:

I'm sorry.

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Thanks so much for any comments, you don't have to be nice. I can take it. Any comments or anything is really taken to heart, and I truly appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it. I didn't want to be too over the top preachy with this, just wanted to explain how I felt about something so anyones reactions would help immensley.

nineteen

i like this peice better in some ways. it kind of has a kind of plot - i think. maybe i'm old-fashioned for a 17 yo but i just feel i need a plot to keep me intersted.

i'll be honest... but nice. i was left with a feeling of "So What?". i mean maybe it's cause i'm not from the USA, but the fact that there's an burger king in edinburgh and glasgow really doesn't concern me too much.

you can fight it if you want, as you siggest. but personally i feel more inclined to battle things like cruelty and slavery and war. i mean; i'm a teenager... but aren't you being... slighly... over-cynical?

again, it's well written imo. but you just can't get drawn into that kind of thing eaisly, unless you share the writer's view. i know what your saying, but i don't really feel so strongly about it.

what could you or anyone have done about the rise of corprate giants? not much, i fear.

but i think you've really got a lot of skill. i don't want to stifle you, i want you to go in your own direction. and i think your chatty style of writing is very good.

but one of my biggest writing inspirations told me once that "We live in the sound-bite society". somthing i take on in my writing. it means people don't pay much attention to things unless it's puncy and/or hard-hitting. of course, i'm not saying your writing to please the masses.

that's my opionain. felle free to rubbish it, i know i ramble a bit

__________________
(Please don't take my advice too seriously)

Oh Vanity, thy number is 19.

AntonioChavez

Focusing primarily on structure and grammar here though the ideas themselves could use a bit more development.

While all your commas are technically correct, they feel cumbersome and force the reader into unecessary pauses. I'd edit the first paragraph as follows:
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On my trip out to California, our non-stop flight into San Diego airport was canceled and we were re-routed onto another plane that had to make a stop in St. Louis. I had never been off of the east coast and expected, upon landing, to be greeted with the bustling safe haven for outlaws and avant-garde artists and writers on a quest for inspiration that I had heard so much about. Land of dreams, sunshine and sunglasses.

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Very little has changed here except for a restructuring of sentences, a few deleted commas and a few deleted words. I think, however, that it carries more strength than the original passage.

Your writing is very promising even though the message has been repeated over and over. Anti-captialistic ideals are almost as fashionable as Gucci shoes or whatever it is that Gucci produces. You need to put more of yourself into this to make people, such as that gentleman from Glasgow, believe what you say is of any importance. Be honest, be clear, be brief. Watch out for your adjectives and repetition. Every last word should be carefully considered and all finished pieces should be the product of ceaseless revision.

I have many more comments and would be willing to share them but for space restraints. E-mail me at Tony.S.Chavez@hotmail.com if you're interested or have any questions.

Cheers,
T

nineteen

well i don't live in glasgow now, but i'll be moving there to go to uni this year.

but i just wanted to say i realise you might not be into story-writing and such, like me. like telling and actual story and i don't really know how to do much else other than that. so comment might not be of much use.

__________________
(Please don't take my advice too seriously)

Oh Vanity, thy number is 19.

americanwriter

Well, here goes. I would change the opening paragraph. It's a bit weak. Perhaps something like:

[Revision]I was expecting to meet New York's hippest rival when I stepped off the plane on the West Coast. I was expecting the Calfornia I'd heard so much about, the safe-haven for outlaws, avant-garde artists, and writers seeking inspiration. I was expecting the land of realized dreams, trend-setting people, and sunshine. Instead, I was greeted by the stark reality of corporate America and countryside plagued by the same big-name chain stores I'd left behind. Even the people seemed the same, walking advertisments for their favorite brand of soda, cigarettes, and sports-wear makers, except they had darker tans.[End Revision]


The essay does branch off into a lot of stuff that will likely make your readers go, "So?" What is your focus here? I'd lose the bit on Florida. It's another tangent all together. I had a hard time determining what type of essay you were going for; informal, expository, persuasive, etc . . .

__________________
To know what you prefer, instead of humbly saying "Amen" to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to keep your soul alive -- Robert Louis Stevenson

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