Lyonidus

Hey hey everyone, this is something i wrote in about fifteen minutes, i was bored and had nothing else to do, its problably crap its not even long enough to be a story but i thought i would post it here and get some feedback as im bored, many thanks.



“I suppose this is the part where I die”

“No.
This is the part where you begin to live”

I definitely remember writing the words, I definitely remember opening the bottle and I definitely remember what I saw.
“So where am I”
Bars!
“Oh God please no!”
In my haste I had sought to escape judgement, pain and strife, and in my haste I had botched the job, “you fucking moron.”
I suppose it didn’t really matter anyway, hell, I had served enough years to now that a few more wouldn’t make any difference, ill do the same again as soon as their back is turned. Or would I?
“Of course you will, living with yourself is not an option”
“Living with myself…….”
I hadn’t always lived with myself though, I used to live with someone, im sure, a woman, that was it, I remember now, I remember clean sheets, and a warm smile, the soft touch of skin and the sweet smell of her hair, I remember!
“Do you remember the blood as well”
I groaned and turned over onto my side, the pain in my stomach was terrible, the lights blinding and the voice disturbing, as always.
“Piss off you piece of shit!”
“And where should I go?”
“Anywhere, I don’t care”
“Then ill stay here!”
His voice, his fucking voice!
It bombarded my senses, drowning out all other things, not even loud just insidious, crawling, it somehow found cracks in your head you never even knew you had.
“I swear ill kill us both”
“I wont let you”
“Its not your body shithead”
“And its not your life fuckface”
“Ill do it! Ill drink it again, ill slit my wrists, ill pop a few too many pills, ill drown myself, ill…….”
And then I saw it.
“Don’t even consider it”
Salvation!
“I wont let you!”
I reached towards it
“You’re nothing without me!”
Tears came to my eyes, blurring my vision
“Don’t do it you asshole!”
So it can scream
“You’ll kill us”
My hand stopped and rested on it, all I need do is pull, scenes flashed before my minds eye, a smile, large blue eyes, ivory skin soft as silk, Long brown hair……A knife……..Blood.
I took a deep breath, my last.
“Good”
And I pulled.

Lyonidus

Sory about this by the way, this is'nt really my genre i usually write fiction but like i said, i was bored, so im apologising in advance.

Charlie_Eleanor

I liked it. Fun, short, too the point. A little rough on the edges, but like you said, you wrote it in fifteen minutes.

Rob

Hi Lyonidus. Just a thought, but if this really is something you've thrown together with no thought, why would anyone want to spend time helping you? Why not spend a little time revising it and making it as good as you possibly can first, so that we can help you where you really need it. You make it sound as though you don't care about this piece, and if you don't, why should anyone else?

Good luck with your writing.

Cheers,
Rob

Lyonidus

Lol thankyou for the comments charlie eleanor im please that you liked it, lol, or at least didnt hate it.
Lol nice point Rob but the thing is by doing this i can hone my writing skills in certain areas, like i said, i was bored and didnt particularly want to revise, this isnt even saved on my computer lol. I suppose it is stupid in a way but i can only say that i hope someone owuld spend time helping me as i did put some thought into itn and i do care about it, hope that clears things up, thanks.

P.S. if theres anybody out there who doesnt like the swearing in it i apologise but i felt it had to be included.

valeca

Ok, so that leaves us with 'this is non-fiction', and you're speaking to us from beyond the grave.

Quite a feat.

Hint: Fiction isn't a genre.

__________________
"...make your own nature, not the advice of others, your guide in life." --Pythia, Oracle of Apollo at Delphi

Lyonidus

i dont quite understand what you mean valeca what do you mean by im speaking from beyond the grave

WichitaWind

she means that you said you write in a different genre, then referenced fiction. She was referring to non-fiction. If this were non-fiction, you would be the main character and, either dead, or with some extremely nasty scars.

__________________
Currently Reading: Neverwhere- Neil Gaiman

Recently Finished: Odd Thomas, Forever Odd, Brother Odd

Lyonidus

ah many thanks wichitawind all is made clear

graceful truth

“I suppose this is the part where I die”

“No.
This is the part where you begin to live”-loved this line

I definitely remember writing the words, I definitely remember opening the bottle and I definitely remember what I saw.-this isintriguing
“So where am I”
Bars!--what does this mean in a bar??
“Oh God please no!”
In my haste I had sought to escape judgement, pain and strife, and in my haste I had botched the job, “you fucking moron.”--swearing seems appropriate to the character
I suppose it didn’t really matter anyway, hell, I had served enough years to know that a few more wouldn’t make any difference, will (would)do the same again as soon as their back is turned. Or would I?
“Of course you will, living with yourself is not an option”-not sure of the verb tense of course ...if the person is responding then it seems as if he/she would say "of course you would"
“Living with myself…….”
I hadn’t always lived with myself though, I used to live with someone, iI'm sure, a woman, that was it, I remember now, I remember clean sheets, and a warm smile, the soft touch of skin and the sweet smell of her hair, I remember!--very nice touch
“Do you remember the blood as well”- wow this was an unexpected punch and an insight into the situation
I groaned and turned over onto my side, the pain in my stomach was terrible, the lights blinding and the voice disturbing, as always.
“Piss off you piece of shit!”
“And where should I go?”
“Anywhere, I don’t care”
“Then I'll stay here!”
His voice, his fucking voice!-intriguing but a bit confused who this is, but that does not disturb my reading..I want to read more, find out more
It bombarded my senses, drowning out all other things, not just/even loud j insidious, crawling, it somehow found cracks in your head you never even knew you had.nice imagery, syntax needs work....the voice finds cracks in your head...nice!
“I swearI'll kill us both”
“I wont let you”
“Its not your body shithead”
“And its not your life fuckface”
“II'LL do it! Ill drink it again, ill slit my wrists, ill pop a few too many pills, ill drown myself, ill…….”
And then I saw it.
“Don’t even consider it”
Salvation!
“I won't let you!”
I reached towards it
“You’re nothing without me!”
Tears came to my eyes, blurring my vision
“Don’t do it you asshole!”
So it can scream- I am totally iitnrigued...are you talking to yourself, as you try to commit suicide? It seems so....but please fix the typos etc... so we can understand
“You’ll kill us”
My hand stopped and rested on it, all I need do is pull, scenes flashed before my minds eye, a smile, large blue eyes, ivory skin soft as silk, Long brown hair……A knife……..Blood.
I took a deep breath, my last.
“Good”
And I pulled.
[/quote]vvvvvvvvvvvery nice....now with the other 45 or more nintues fix the spelling, typos, verb tense, a few syntax constructions and it is a hit!!!!!!!!!!!!! warmly...Gentle Truth

nineteen

i liked this a lot and despite what everyone else is saying i think it's great. some of the best things are done on impulse. and in 15 mins your always on the same train of thought. really good i liked it. :p

i wrote my 1500 word short story in about 3 hours and for me that's impulse i posted it in short stories. but i'm a super-perfectionist.

__________________
(Please don't take my advice too seriously)

Oh Vanity, thy number is 19.

Lyonidus

hey, this is just a post to say thankyou to all of you who have critiqued my work, i am truly grateful and graceful truth i will try to sort out those typos and the such, yet again thankyou.