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Critique and Advice Works seeking critique, advice or assistance.

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Old 04-04-2007, 10:12 PM   #1
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Stranger Than Thou is on a distinguished road
Bright Red Lipstick On The Face of Despair (or something along those lines anyway) ;)

*REVISED VERSION*

All feedback is greatly appreciated!



Eyes blind to the truth
her life - a whitewashed tomb.
She hides behind her smile
until her mind believes her.

She scents her lies with cheap perfume.
And paints sunshine on the walls
haphazard yellow splatters
dribbling to the floor.

Her laugh - like plastic flowers
in a vase by the door.

Bright red lipstick on the face of despair.
Purpose - fading, like the dye in her hair.

Hope - a sigh
whispering through the room
alive as the belly-up flies on the sill.

Eyes tight shut
until her mind believes her.
She'll keep on smiling
until her mind deceives her.




Thankyou for reading.

Last edited by Stranger Than Thou : 04-09-2007 at 12:11 AM.
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Old 04-04-2007, 10:45 PM   #2
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First, I'm glad you've considered a format other than Iambic Pentameter or other rhyming verse. My personal opinion states there's already far too much of that already.

In general, I believe you've done a very methodical job at conveying an artificial and vacant detachment, a subtle yet thriving illustration of the veil which separates reality from expected pretensions. Though I wonder if you use the word "smile" too often. "until her mind believes her" feels akward. "until her mind succumbs" has a more resigned sentiment which fits the overall "message" slightly better.

Then again, I see how you're using the double-level "until her mind deceives her" later to imply the circular relationship between internal and external deception, so that would break your flow. But you could solve that with a simple rephrase, "the prison of her mind" or similar, which has the same idea, but is still circular (her mind succumbs to her will, she's trapped in her mind, etc.) contradiction.

Really, I'm just reaching. You posted in "critiques" so it's expected, yet it's already pretty good as-is.
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Old 04-09-2007, 12:09 AM   #3
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Thank you for your input!
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