Red Haven- Chapter 1 (critiques welcome-3000 words) - Writers Forum

WichitaWind · 04-04-2007, 03:13 PM

removed for further editing

persian_star · 04-05-2007, 09:41 AM

Hi there, I find this to be quite an interesting piece. It gets me wondering, how did 'Purgy' die? Or is this something that would be revealed later?

I did get pulled somewhat into this story, although as I got to the part mentioning 'ascension' my mind wondered from the story a little. I associate that word with something much more advanced than purgatory, so, whilst you describe this place that feels almost restrictive and a little depressing, the word ascension suddenly takes the mind to something other than purgatory, which in one way is good...but I have to think: the man just died, why are they telling him about ascension already? Maybe that is something that could come a little later on as the story progresses and as 'Purgy' settles in a little.'

When David took him off and started on about ascension, I thought things were about to be explained too soon.

Hope this helps, just my initial thoughts.

WichitaWind · 04-05-2007, 10:04 AM

"Purgy" is David's name For Andrew Kohl, the voice of the story. Part of what leads to his death are laid out in chapter 2, but not all of it. If anyone has read American Gods, the way they lay out the main characters backstory in that book is similar to what i am going to do here. David actually knows very little about what ascension is. I havent thought of a better word for it yet, but i too, am displeased by what i have labeled it with. Basically, Ascension is going to be the process in which you pass to the next stage of this Haven. I cant think of another good word for it, though.

persian_star · 04-05-2007, 10:30 AM

Yes, I liked the way you had David nickname Andrew as 'Purgy'. It might not be the case, but David comes across as being someone who has spent some time in purgatory.

I can't think of a word to replace ascension either, but then you are writing sci fi/fantasy, you could make up your own word for it. As long as it was explained what the word meant and it was memorable.

My impression is that Andrew is far off from ascending, so that word in particular seems quite advanced for where these characters currently are.

Overall though, I look forward to seeing this develop, I want to know how Andrew gets on.

dazbizkit · 04-05-2007, 02:25 PM

if 'ascension' is a process they go through and it is a fantasy it could be something like 'The Passing'. thats a crappy example but you get my idea.

it was a very interesting piece. i like the hints of sarcasm you occasionally add in there. you're a good writer.

Slartibartfast · 04-05-2007, 02:55 PM

The opening is very important (obviously), and I find myself stumbling all over your first paragraph:

Quote:

When I died, there was no light at the end of the tunnel. For me, there were no family members, dead long ago, to greet me as angels sang and the gates of Heaven opened, calling for me to enter its loving embrace. No, that would have been far too pleasant an end for a person like me. When I died, there was only the light and the voice.

I think this red section needs a rewrite. Perhaps:

For me, however, there were no family members--long since passed--to greet me while the Angles sang, and the gates of Heaven opened.

I don't think "gates" are really capable of a loving embrace. And if you are referring to the dead relatives' loving embrasses...that's a bit confusing. I'm finding the story very interesting...I had not finished...I will continue now.

WichitaWind · 04-05-2007, 03:23 PM

Heaven, however, is capable of embrace. I suppose.... Well, i had trouble with that paragraph, too. writing it didnt sound right, but i didnt know what i wanted to do with it. I'll have to figure out what i want to do with it.

Slartibartfast · 04-05-2007, 03:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WichitaWind

Heaven, however, is capable of embrace. I suppose.... Well, i had trouble with that paragraph, too. writing it didnt sound right, but i didnt know what i wanted to do with it. I'll have to figure out what i want to do with it.

Yes, I knew what you meant (Heaven's embrace), but it sounded wonky. Tool around with it, I'm sure you'll be fine.

ps. I love your avitar.

WichitaWind · 04-05-2007, 03:55 PM

its an avatar called Catpunch. it was actually an animated gif that made it look like the cat was assaulting you. I play an MMORPG called World of Warcraft, in which i am a druid. Druids regularly fight in cat form, so it stuck.

Slartibartfast · 04-05-2007, 03:57 PM

I played WoW for many months...but managed to kick the habit early on.

WichitaWind · 04-05-2007, 04:17 PM

Unfortunately, not the case for me. I am an avid gamer, though i am recently coming to realize that WoW time is equally and oppositely proportionate to family time.