warrenm22

Been working on for a couple of days, have about 15 pages so far.

Disclaimer:

some language, and mild gore

I slowly open my eye; the room is engulfed in darkness. I blink trying to regain my vision, mi reach out for m glasses which lay on my desk. Moving my hand around trying to find them, I accidentally knock them on the floor. The glasses make a clink noise, I wait for a response from my room mate, but nothing came.
I swing my feet out of bed and drop them on the floor. The floor is cold, but on such a warm, muggy night it feels nice. I stand up, stretch my arms out groaning. The room is pitch black, which is odd seeing as we normally get the light from the lamp post outside. I walk over to the desk, using my hands as guides. I get to the desk and slowly bend over, my hands running down the side of the desk till they hit the floor.
I feel around on the floor but cannot feel anything, then a feel of cold metal at my middle fingers tip.
“Shit.” I thought
My arm was not long enough to get a grip. I reach my left hand on top of the desk looking for anything that could give me a couple of inches more. I feel some paper, but that wouldn’t really work, and then I found a pen.
I use the pen to drag my glasses over to me; I pick them up and place them on my face. The glasses had become cold from the tile floor, my nose crinkles from the cold but it quickly leaves. I stand up and look around the room again, I laugh because the room is still dark and the glasses really did nothing.
I glance over at my clock but it is not on.
“Come on.”
The power must have gone out again. The school had been having random power surges for a week now, it has been making a lot of people either late for class or just miss them. Well that’s the excuse they give anyway.
I stand back up to head back to my desk. It was much easier this time seeing as I am slowly starting to wake up. I use my hands which seem like feelers now, to search my desk for my phone. I didn’t find the cell phone, but I found the charger cord dangling, so I followed that up to the phone. I flip open the phone; the light explodes into the room like a bomb, quickly everything lights up.
I glance down at the phones screen to see the numbers 4:30 am shining brightly.
“Damn.” I thought I got class in 3 ½ hours.
I turn around to see if I have disturbed my room mate, but his bed lays empty.
Odd I thought, he normally doesn’t stay out late at all, if ever.
I set up the alarm on the phone so I will be able to make it to class, cannot afford anymore missed classes. I place the phone closer to the bed so it will be easier to shut off the alarm in the morn. I feel my way back to my bed, I place my glasses next to the cell phone, rub my eyes, and begin to lay down. As my head hits the pillow, I can hear the faint turning of the door knob.
“Greg must be home.” I thought
The turning of the door knob was slight; he must be trying to come in without waking me. Then I hear a click, the door was locked. The knob was now being turned the other way, click again.
I laugh.
“Doors locked man, just use your key.” I said, loud enough that he would hear me.
The knob continues to turn side to side, each time coming to the same conclusion.
I sigh as I reach for my glasses. “Fucking Idiot.” I thought.
I stand up out of bed and place my glasses on my face. I walk to the door and check out the peephole. In college you never really know who is knocking at your door, could be any drunk person at this time of night.
My eye gets close to the peephole, but unfortunately without any lights on in the hallway, I cannot make out anything, just darkness.
“Greg is that you?” I ask through the door.
No answer.
“Come on man, unless you tell me it’s you I am not opening this door.”
I wait for the answer, nothing came.
“Fine man, well you better enjoy sleeping in the hallway, or pray your drunken ass finds your key soon.”
I walk back to my bed, the knob still turning.
“This is ridicules.” I thought.
The room is so dark; you figure a generator would have kicked in our something. I walk over to the window; pull the shade all the way up. If it wasn’t for my knowledge that a window was there, you would have walked right into it. The outside was as pitch black as my room is. Looking up I can see that clouds have engulfed the moon light.
The door knob continues to turn; it seems to have quickly picked up on speed.
“Dude just pass out already.” I yell
I walk over to the door; there is nothing in the middle of our room so I have no fear of tripping.
“I got class in a few hours man, just go to your girlfriends room and pass out there.” I plead.
Now I know that I should just let him in, and I seem to be quite a dick right now, but I have seen him like this before. Greg will come in, make a shit load of noise because it is dark and he is drunk. Take off his clothes without putting anything on, and then pass out on his bed for a night filled with snoring and talking in his sleep. I will not be able to fall asleep until right about 5 minutes before my alarm goes off.
The door knob returns to its normal position, and silence fills the dark air. A rush of relief starts to come over me, and then a sudden chill. My right foot becomes cold, and wet. I look down at my foot, but of course in this darkness I will not be able to see what it is.
“You better not have pissed on the door.” I yell.
I hope over to my desk to grab my cell phone, it was the only thing that had power and was on right now. I flip open the screen, bring it down to my foot, and horror comes over my face.
My white sock had been turned red. The red substance, which I can only believe it is blood, is dripping off of my sock and making a small puddle on the floor.
“Shit.” I yell inside my head.
I drop the cell on the bed and rush to the door.
“What the hell man, are you ok?” I yell as my hand rushes to the door knob.
My right hand falls on the door knob, I slowly turn it to the right, the knob goes all the way around, and I begin to pull the door open. All of a sudden the door slams against my chest, my feet slip in the blood, and I am sent flying backwards. My back hits the tile floor hard, and my head bounces off the fridge that the TV sat upon.
I lay there in confusion when I see them. Two glowing red orbs, they are right in front of me, in the door way. I can heavy breathing, sort of panting; the red orbs just float there.
“Greg?” I ask as I check the back of my head with my right hand.
An awful smell fills the room; it was foul, like someone defecated in the hallway. I use my left hand to help myself up, keeping my eyes on the red orbs.
“Hey man, think you need to see a doctor.”
A hiss comes from the door way.
“Greg”
It has become silent, as if we were both gunslingers waiting for the other to draw first. I feel around for a weapon, and then a scream comes from the hallway, sounds like a woman. During the scream, the orbs came at me, fast.
I can feel two hands grab my shoulders, they are wet and slippery. The hands force me down on the desk, I can hear snarling coming from the thing that has me. The smell of defecation has gotten stronger. I use my hands to keep the things head away from me, I think it wants to bite me. I place my foot on its chest, and push it across the room. I hear a crashing sound coming from the other side of the room, the thing must have fallen into my room mates desk and chair.
I quickly try to regain my composure, and find a weapon. The only item I have on my desk at this point is a lamp, and my laptop. I grab the lamp, and hold it with a strong grip. The room is dark; I cannot see where the thing is, it must have closed its eyes.
I reach out for the cell phone on my bed; I slide my hand across the sheets. The sheets made a ruffling sound, I could barely hear it. My eyes continue to dart around the room, looking for the red eyes. I feel the cell phone under my hand; I quietly close my hand around it.
I start to lift my hand, when something grabs it and pulls me down. I fall to the floor, the lamp comes unplugged from the wall, it hits my laptop and sends it to the floor. I can hear the crash of my laptop; it bounces a couple of times, the cover pops open.
I forgot to shut off my laptop; it was running on the battery. The cover opens and the light from the screen shines under the bed, there I saw it. Greg was hiding under the bed; his face is a bloody mess. A piece of what I can only assume is his own flesh was hanging from his lips. His chest was moving franticly, as if he just finished running sprints, and his eyes were glowing red, even in the light.
The battery must have had only a few seconds of power left, because the room is starting to get dark again, the screen is getting darker. Greg’s face is going back into the darkness, but the eyes still remain. I can hear him scurrying towards me like a mouse to cheese. I rip my hand out of his and quickly stand up. I watch the red eyes, the only thing that can save me now. The red eyes rise from the ground and are exactly at my height now.
I grip the lamp with hand, waiting for the rush. Again I here a snarl, and then silence. Greg rushes at me full force; I rear back the lamp and swing it forward. I must have caught him in the side of the face because he flies to the left. The eyes move in front of me again, but this time they seem dazed. I raise my right foot and slam it into what I can only assume is his chest, and the eyes fly away from me. I hear Greg smack into the wall out in the hallway, I leap for the door, I know shutting it is my only survival. The eyes move quickly at me, my hand grabs the side of the door, I use my strength to slam it. The eyes disappear, but I know the door is still open, I can fell the breeze of the arm flapping in the door way. I lower my shoulder, and slam myself into the door; a loud crunch can be heard. The door bounces back to me, and I slam it again, but this time it doesn’t come back, the door is closed.

Stewart

Use a spell checker before submitting stuff for critique.

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christinec1

other than a couple of spelling mistakes (ha listen to the dyslexic!) i thought it was very good

Stewart

Okay, the first time I looked at this I didn't read further than the first paragraph, the parts highlighted in red being the reason why. First of all, using adverbs like 'slowly' and 'accidentally' are cheap ways out of doing any description and don't help create much of a sense of scene.

The part about opening an 'eye' and then blinking (which involves two eyes) is just a silly little error, I'll warrant. The bit about reaching out for glasses didn't make much sense, but I think it was meant to be 'I reach out for my glasses...' There's a comman that should be a full stop. And, finally, there's two instances of a change in tense - lay should be 'lie' and 'came' should be 'comes'.

But, reading on, I sense some repetition in that, once again, we are told the room is dark. There's also a dependency on the word 'slowly' which is, to be honest, a subjective term to be using. But my comment about putting this through a spell checker still stand although I understand that it won't pick up everything, such as 'ridicules' (ridiculous), and the missing apostrohe in 'doors'.

All in all, don't give up. Fix these silly little things and keep going.

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Slartibartfast

I have to agree...after reading the first paragraph, I stopped. I understand the want to write, and the love of story and voice...but to come to a writer's forum and post something completely unedited is beyond my comprehension.

I advise you use the tools in front of you: spell check, and even sometimes the grammar check works wonders (be wary though). If you want people to read your entire story, and not just skim through, it's best to correct the glaring errors first.

I apologize for being forthcoming...but it's best you learn early on.

dazbizkit

im not much of an experienced writer but i know when there isnt something right here. setting aside the obvious spelling and grammar mistakes i noticed you use the same word too much.

for example, "" I drop the cell on the bed and rush to the door.
“What the hell man, are you ok?” I yell as my hand rushes to the door knob.
My right hand falls on the door knob, I slowly turn it to the right, the knob goes all the way around, and I begin to pull the door open. All of a sudden the door.......""

try to keep the readers interested by using various words. for example, use words like 'handle'.

also try not to treat the readers like they are stupid. they will still know what your talking about if you say 'it' or other variations when talking about an object.

I drop the cell on the bed and rush to the door.

“What the hell man, are you ok?” I yell as my hand rushes to the door knob.

I grab hold of it and I slowly turn it to the right, the handle goes all the way around, and I begin to pull the door open. All of a sudden it hit me on the chest......

Also, think about the power of your actions. you're less likely to slip on blood if the door sends you flying back. maybe if it just shoved you back you would more likely slip.

those are a few tips that may help you word your story better. i wish i could give more help but im a little bit busy writing my own stuff