Night'sDelusion

Well this is the second thing I'll have posted here. I was really looking for some honest criticism of my first story, but it was not good enough to hold people's interest the whole way through, it seems, thus failed at it's job. I don't know the rules here about bumping...so I thought I'd just throw something else up here to get some opinions. Thanks for anyone that bothers to look.


Sloppy Kiss


"Table one wants the tilapia stir-fry and a double cheese burger?" He read the yellow post-it to himself and the new waitress as she passed back into the kitchen, a woman eager to keep herself busy with the growing crowd of customers. With two of ten tables full, who could blame her. Except the junior chef, of course.

"Yeah. They want it now, too." She teased and was kind enough to toss a tilapia over. The flat fish bounced twice, he stopped it as it skid across the cutting board then brought his knife down.

"What is this crap?" He demanded, half grinning. "Does it say "fastfood" outside - how are we going to make any money when they keep buying the cheap stuff?"

"I don't know!" She exclaimed. "Maybe we should just charge more."

"Good idea, I have a better one though. Just tell them to go away." He said, grabbing an empty plate and adorning it with a simple fish head. The mouth was open the lips in a stereotypical pucker, ready for a kiss. "Here."

"Ewww." Grumblings were heard, a voice raised. "I'll be back." She said, walking through the strips of plastic posing as door.

The junior chef smiled to himself in her absence. Leaving the plate with the fish head untouched and quickly, more like carelessly, filleting the tilapia. A small part of his mind was irritated at the lack of pre-filleted fish. The rest was well....well occupied.

The new waitress popped her head in. "Do we have more coffee?"

He allowed the interruption without complaint, but instead with a few steps and a near slip. An embarrassed smile graced his face as he gave her the pot. "Do they know that we don't have a bathroom?"

"Want me to tell them?"

"No, but get a mop ready, and if you see a puddle under their table, tell me."

"Ugh, sicko." She said, turning her back, maybe in disgust but doubtlessly with a grin stretching her face.

The last pieces of garnish were being shoved onto the plate as the waitress walked in.

"Done, yet" She asked, playfully looking over the junior chef's shoulder.

"No. Leave me alone. You're fired." Authority pumping from his lips with each syllable.

"Shut up!" She yelled and took the two plates.

The junior chef set himself to clean up the messed he had left behind, various chopped vegetables, fish tail, a small puddle of spilled katch-up.

He was still not done when she came back. The waitress was silently waited behind him.

"What took so long?"

"One guy wanted to compliment the perfection of your burgers." They smiled together. "His friend-girlfriend-wife-whatever started talking to me in Portuguese. She said, she wasn't going to go out with anyone that ordered a cheeseburger at a restaurant."

"Are you sure you didn't suggest that yourself."

She shyly moved her head back, then nodded. "Uh-huh. Best advice I've ever given."

The junior chef didn't say anything in response. The new waitress was silent.

"Should I help you clean up?" She questioned eventually.

"There something I want to say" He turned to look at her. His face was very serious.

"What now?"

"Uh..." The junior chef's hand shuffled behind him. "Close your eyes."

"No."

"Please."

".....Fine." She closed her eyes. A deadly pause and silence brought a blush.

"Two things. First thing will probably give a way the second thing, but anyway. The first thing is don't think I'm weird. The second...I'm kind of embarrassed to say this. I don't really know why - if I should be embarrassed. I like you. That was simple. I've had a crush on you since that first day I met you. I don't know what else to say. Just don't act like I'm weird." He closed his own eyes. Time passed

"Hey!" She screamed. "What's wrong with you!" She sounded even more angry.

The junior chef looked confused. His arm was stretched before him. In his hand was a fish head, lips puckered right before the head of another, but more fair. The tilapia looked red as if it had just been kissed, but not so red as the junior chef's left cheek. A hand mark now laid across it. Tears were held at bay in the waitresses eyes.

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"If love grew on trees, I'd travel the globe planting, So when the branches mature, We'd off smiles with out asking."
- Illogic "And They Wonder Why I'm Insane"

Mike

'...who could blame her?' - add question mark. following it up with 'except' is not grammatically correct. it should read: the junior chef could. (because the junior chef can blame her.) you could also change it to: No one could, except the junior chef, of course.
'...too." She' should actually be one sentence because you're explaining the the dialogue is teasing. I suggest changing it to this: 'They want it now, too," she teased. She was kind enough to...'
Secondly, 'he stopped it as it skid across the cutting board then brought his knife down' is a confusing description. I don't know whether he stopped it with his hand and then brought the knife down (meaning: stabbed it?) or if he stopped the fish by bringing his knife down into it. What you have written is technically correct, but it doesn't flow right because it's redundant motion.
again, "what is this crap?" he demanded, half grinning. lowercase "he" because it's all the same sentence. I know that it looks weird to have a question mark and then a lower case pronoun, but that's how it goes.
'fastfood' shouldn't be in quotation marks because it's dialogue. you'd use quotes when you're doing a narration, right, but not when you're doing a dialogue.
Because these grumbling do not come from the waitress nor the junior chef, there needs to be an indicative here. Where do they come from. And 'grumblings were heard' is a passive statement. Perhaps you could change it to something along these lines: "Eww," she said, pulling a face. Suddenly, they could hear grumbling coming from the tables.
"Leaving the plate with the fish head untouched, he quickly - more like, carelessly - filleted the tilapia." The way you had it written before has an incomplete action.
"well...well occupied" - it's a little confusing whether you mean his mind was well-occupied or his mind was...well....occupied. Do you see what i mean here?
redundant. you already described her as the new waitress earlier. Does she have a name?
He allowed the interruption? Is he really so busy? i mean, it doesn't take much to fillet a fish as it is. But, if you want the readers to gain insight into this junior chef's mind, saying that he allowed an interruption means that he is controlling and arrogant, in my opinion. So far, I've gained a sense that the junior chef likes this new waitress somewhat - why else would his mind be occupied?

Quote:

The last pieces of garnish were being shoved onto the plate as the waitress walked in.

Again, passive. "The junior chef shoved the last pieces of garnish onto the plate jast as the waitress walked in."
"Done yet?" she asked, looking over the junior chef's shoulder. I changed it to this because you don't say 'done, yet' because there isn't a pause when you normally say it, so why use a comma? Secondly, the word 'playfully' doesn't seem to fit here, because we can already gain an idea that she is being playful - she's looking over the chef's shoulder.
Not necessary. Actually, it sounds a little chauvinist with AUTHORITY and PUMPING.
The junior chef - try using 'he' some of the times. Because there is only one male and one female (plus customers) we won't get lost in the maze of pronouns.
behind, various - - change to: 'behind: various...'
i also added some words: [a] & [and]

These two paragraphs should be one paragraph because we're still with the junior chef and no new idea has happened. Also, the last setence is passive. Because she came back she can't automatically be silently waiting behind him, as if she was there the whole time. I'd suggest this: He wasn't done when she came back and stood silently behind him, watching, waiting.
shyly? every evidence you've given suggest she's anything but shy.
she's also doing a lot of head moving. is her head going back or nodding or what? i'd simplify this.
deadly?
'a way the second thing' - - should be: give way to the second thing
'why - if i should be embarassed' - should be: why or if i should be embarassed.
'Time passed' - you need a period. This is also a little...unecessary. We don't really need to know that time passes because, of course, it does. Let the action carry out the time.
'"Hey! She screamed. "What's wrong with you!" She sounded even more angry.' - "Hey!" she screamed. "What's wrong with you?" - you don't need she sounded more angry because i don't have anything to compare her to being angry the first time.
the last paragraph is confusing. it also ends abruptly with a bad, passive cliche. i'd suggest serious editing.

overall, well, there were mistakes. i'm not really sure where this story is going. yes, it's at a restaurant. yes, there's some communication and tension between the waitress and the chef. there was some good, simple dialogue, but as far as direction (plot)? It seems to be just a snapshot. It needs something more. Some kind of purpose.

Foxee

Hi Night'sDelusion,

First off, I noticed that your number of posts was listed as '6'. That tells me you need to comment on some other people's work a bit and generally participate here on the forum. The crits will come. Although I thought you really had the right perspective when you said:
That attitude will help you to become a better writer. I applaud you.

Second, I agree with Mike about the lack of purpose. This seems like the idea for a comic strip that depends heavily on the visual of the waitress kissing the fish head. Now, don't let that discourage you. I think you write just fine (see comment three) from a prose standpoint. How about expanding on this a bit? Find something surprising other than the kissing the fish thing. (sorry, that felt forced...why would he stand there holding out a fish head while he's declaring himself in love with her? Sorry...didn't work.) And, again, don't let that discourage you. Endings are the hardest part for me, but they are worth the effort.

Third, Your dialogue worked pretty well, you showed the action and surroundings adequately. The prose would be stronger if you tear out some of the adverbs, rewriting the sentences without them and make sure you're using strong word choices. Some things that grated on me were "graced his face", "deadly pause" and the many instances of "yelled"(sorry, that's a pet peeve of mine. There are many other fantastic verbs in the world.)

I think that every writer should continue to learn. I can suggest a free online fiction writing course that helped me with some of the basics (best of all it's free! I LIKE free) and you get to interract with other writers while you learn. If you want to check out the course I took it's here or find one that suits you better.

Keep writing!

Foxee

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