Dark Dreams (842 words) - Writers Forum

Blossom · 04-02-2007, 09:51 AM

Long time since I posted! The main character of this extract is someone I've been working on for years, and am hoping to expand on her story! CC more than welcome, as usual

- - - -

The Sabe drifted in a sea of endless shadow, the lanterns hung along the gunwale and atop the mast lonely orbs of light in the oppressing darkness. A single moon rose slowly up the sky overhead; Aea, her pale surface interspersed with pink, and the soft glow she gave out all but extinguished by the clouds that obscured her face. Her larger sister Lirisae’s brilliant azure light would have been a better guide on such a starless night.

A chilly wind blew across the foredeck, causing Erinima na Orlith to pull her cloak tighter around herself as she leant against the railings, staring into the blackness that surrounded her. The lanterns swayed in the breeze, and she could just make out their golden glow reflected in the water, flashing in time with the tug and ebb of the waves.

It was late, and the other passengers, including her own two sisters and brother, were asleep. The sailors who kept the ship on course during the night were unnoticed presences in the background, talking in low voices. She had not been able to rest, kept awake by horrific visions and memories that plagued her dreams.

At the thought of her nightmares Erinima’s eyes prickled uncomfortably, as hot tears gathered behind them, and an answering burn spread across her back. It was more a dull ache now, the memory of pain rather than actual pain, but a vehement anger and hatred rose in her stomach like bile even to think of it.

She shook her head to clear her mind, scolding herself for dwelling on it, and found her gaze drawn to the soft light of Aea, who was beginning to show from behind the clouds. The smallest of the four moon sisters, her pink glow was the most beautiful, and it seemed to seep into Erinima’s mind, calming her troubled nerves. Somewhat soothed, she closed her eyes, and a small smile curved the corners of her mouth; her first smile in days.

“I thought it would be you.” said a voice beside her, and her calm was shattered. The faint smile vanished as if it had never been, and her eyes flew open, startled. She turned her head to give her new companion a brief glance.

“Oh?” her answer was a single word, but she still managed to turn it into a statement of casual disinterest rather than a question.

“No one else is awake this late, and all the sailors have much heavier footsteps than you.” Dirk replied, tilting one shoulder up in a shrug, and moving closer to Erinima so he could lean on the railings beside her.

He was a fellow passenger with whom the young girl had struck up an easy friendship, even though she felt it was tainted because she had lied about who she was. He was approaching his fourteenth name day, two years older than she, and several inches the taller. His chin-length hair was sandy brown, his blue gaze intelligent and caring, and Erinima always felt at ease with him.

“So why are you awake this late?” she asked now.

“Martyn’s snoring,” Dirk answered with a bright grin at Erinima. Martyn and Dirk were both training under the guidance of the famous knight Roland, but whereas Dirk was still a page, Martyn, who was three years older than Dirk, was a squire. He often teased Dirk, reminding him that he had at least four more years of training to go before he could be knighted, whereas Martyn could become a full knight after his eighteenth name day the coming summer. Despite their arguments, Erinima knew the two were close and Dirk had hopes that after being knighted Martyn would take him on as a squire.

“Do you ever sleep?” Dirk asked suddenly, breaking into Erinima’s thoughts.

“Huh?” she asked, eyes wide and confused.

“You’re always the last to sleep, and the first to rise in the morning,” Dirk explained, vaulting up to sit on the ship’s railings and gazing down at his friend, “And you’ve got dark circles under your eyes all the time. I’m worried. Do you actually sleep, Reia?”

As always, the use of the false name she had given Dirk caused a pang of guilt in her stomach. Her friend took her flinching as unease at his questioning of her, and he reached down to place a warm hand on her shoulder, “Hey, what’s wrong?”

Erinima looked up at him, and then suddenly smiled at his concern. It was the first time Dirk had seen her truly smile, and he was amazed at how it changed her. Her face seemed to come alive with an energy and life that was captivating, and the creases in her brow were ironed away. It struck the young page that for the first time she looked the way a girl her age should; carefree and happy.

“Somehow,” she said, “It makes me happy that you’re worried about me. But don’t be. I’m fine, honestly.”

“Well … if you’re sure.” Dirk shrugged again.

- - - -

Let me know your thoughts!

B x

slayerofangels · 04-02-2007, 10:21 AM

I've heard those names before....lol

Intriguing plot, flows well, and keeps you interested. The use of oppressing in the first paragraph put me off for some reason, but its a small thing that I can't rationalise.

Looking forward to reading more of this.
Slayer

Blossom · 04-03-2007, 06:25 AM

Hehe, yeah, but I wrote this before I used the names in the RPG, lol. Thanks for the crit

Any other thoughts on this?

Cy Skywalker · 04-11-2007, 01:20 PM

Your prose is pretty good. Not hitchless, but enjoyable. While it wierded me out at first, it's creative and bold how you refer to the moons as people.

"all the sailors have much heavier footsteps [that] you.” "

" His chin[dash needed here] length hair"

It's fine. I'd like to see more of where this story is going. Having the setting on board ship, especially with you being pretty good at evoking the setting, is unique. My only character critique would be that the main characters, who are fourteen and twelve years old, seem to talk and act almost too mature.

Capulet · 04-11-2007, 01:54 PM

Pretty tight. You might want to drop her giggling. I haven't seen many people giggle without smiling, and that detracts from the importance of her smile in the next part of the passage.

Also, when Dirk questions her about her sleeping habits, it'd seem more plausible for her eyes to narrow than go wide, but hey maybe she goes moony! I'm not a 14 yr old girl, so that might be in character for her.

Blossom · 04-12-2007, 06:29 AM

Thanks for the crits. I really appreciate you taking the time to read this.

Skywalker - Haha, yeah I love the moons XD And thanks for spotting the grammar slips. As for the maturity thing - they've both grown up in kind of unusual circumstances, which has meant they had to grow up quite quickly. Also, they live in a world where speech is really formal and polite when you don't know someone that well, and that way of talking is ingrained from quite a young age.

Capulet - Yeah, now that you mention it the giggling doesn't fit. I think I shall edit that out. I thought the eyes thing reinforced her youth - like, making her seem more innocent. Narrow eyes didn't quite seem right. But thanks for your input!!

snorrie · 04-13-2007, 12:46 PM

Hey bloosom. Good to see you around the forum. You always have that dramatic writing style and I can't say it's my cup of tea, but for the audience I think you are cattering to, I think they'll apprecitate it quite a bit more. I don't know. For some reason, I just can't keep focused on what's going on. Maybe because I don't know the characters well enough or maybe the story starts quite a bit earlier than this scene. I wish I could put a finger on it for you. I guess the only thing I can say is that the sentences are so long and flowing. Maybe I get lost in them. If that's the case then it just comes down to reading preference. I like the shorter, punchier sentences. But I can say that I can see this in a scene of a movie. Keep writing. Good to see you.

Blossom · 04-13-2007, 01:27 PM

Good to see you too! Thanks for you comments

Dramatic! Teehee! Probably because I'm such a drama queen

There is a lot more of the story before this scene, yes, but the main action is set further into the future. But you have a very valid point about the long sentences. When I get time (okay, when I can be bothered) I'll probably go through them and edit so there are some shorter sentences in there.

Lol, movie scene. Maybe one day in the future ....

Foxee · 04-13-2007, 02:26 PM

Hiya, Blossom,

First piece I've read of yours outside the RPG. Pretty cool! It's engaging read although I felt a little thrown out of it here and there. Right now I have to go deal with a pesky distraction but I'll try to come back later and be a bit more specific.

Blossom · 04-13-2007, 02:31 PM

Yay! Thank you. I look forward to the specificalness

(Yes I just made that word up)

Cold Twilight · 06-18-2007, 07:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blossom

- - - -

The Sabe drifted in a sea of endless shadow, the lanterns hung along the gunwale and atop the mast lonely orbs of light in the oppressing darkness. A single moon rose slowly up the sky overhead; I would suggest using a comma here, as it confused me for a moment as to who Aea was, because the sentence was broken up Aea, her pale surface interspersed with pink, and Could eliminate the 'and', just try reading it without it the soft glow she gave out all but extinguished by the clouds that obscured her face. Her larger sister Lirisae’s brilliant azure light would have been a better guide on such a starless night.

A chilly wind blew across the foredeck, causing Erinima na Orlith to pull her cloak tighter around herself as she leant leant or leaned? against the railings, staring into the blackness that surrounded her. The lanterns swayed in the breeze, and she could just make out their golden glow reflected in the water, flashing in time with the tug and ebb of the waves. I love this sentence!

It was late, and the other passengers, including her own two sisters and brother, were asleep. The sailors who kept the ship on course during the night were unnoticed presences in the background, talking in low voices. She had not been able to rest, kept awake by horrific visions and memories that plagued her dreams.

At the thought of her nightmares Erinima’s eyes prickled uncomfortably, as hot tears gathered behind them, and an answering burn spread across her back. It was more a dull ache now, the memory of pain rather than actual pain, but a vehement anger and hatred rose in her stomach like bile even to think of it.

She shook her head to clear her mind, scolding herself for dwelling on it, and found her gaze drawn to the soft light of Aea, who was beginning to show from behind the clouds. The smallest of the four moon sisters, her pink glow was the most beautiful, and it seemed to seep into Erinima’s mind, calming her troubled nerves. Somewhat soothed, she closed her eyes, and a small smile curved the corners of her mouth; her first smile in days.

“I thought it would be you.” said a voice beside her, and her calm was shattered. The faint smile vanished as if it had never been, and her eyes flew open, startled. She turned her head to give her new companion a brief glance.

“Oh?” her answer was a single word, but she still managed to turn it into a statement of casual disinterest rather than a question.

“No one else is awake this late, and all the sailors have much heavier footsteps than you.” Dirk replied, tilting one shoulder up in a shrug, and moving closer to Erinima so he could lean on the railings beside her.

He was a fellow passenger with whom the young girl had struck up an easy friendship, even though she felt it was tainted because she had lied about who she was. He was approaching his fourteenth name day, two years older than she, and several inches the taller. His chin-length hair was sandy brown, his blue gaze intelligent and caring, and Erinima always felt at ease with him.

“So why are you awake this late?” she asked now.

“Martyn’s snoring,” Dirk answered with a bright grin at Erinima. Martyn and Dirk were both training under the guidance of the famous knight Roland, but whereas Dirk was still a page, Martyn, who was three years older than Dirk, was a squire. He often teased Dirk, reminding him that he had at least four more years of training to go before he could be knighted, whereas Martyn could become a full knight after his eighteenth name day the coming summer. Despite their arguments, Erinima knew the two were close and Dirk had hopes that after being knighted Martyn would take him on as a squire.

“Do you ever sleep?” Dirk asked suddenly, breaking into Erinima’s thoughts.

“Huh?” she asked, eyes wide and confused.

“You’re always the last to sleep, and the first to rise in the morning,” Dirk explained, vaulting up to sit on the ship’s railings and gazing down at his friend, “And you’ve got dark circles under your eyes all the time. I’m worried. Do you actually sleep, Reia?”

As always, the use of the false name she had given Dirk caused a pang of guilt in her stomach. Her friend took her flinching as unease at his questioning of her, and he reached down to place a warm hand on her shoulder, “Hey, what’s wrong?”

Erinima looked up at him, and then suddenly smiled at his concern. It was the first time Dirk had seen her truly smile, and he was amazed at how it changed her. Her face seemed to come alive with an energy and life that was captivating, and the creases in her brow were ironed away. It struck the young page that for the first time she looked the way a girl her age should; carefree and happy.

“Somehow,” she said, “It makes me happy that you’re worried about me. But don’t be. I’m fine, honestly.”

“Well … if you’re sure.” Dirk shrugged again.

- - --

B x